A good enough reason to seperate?

Jojo_the_Tightfisted

averagejoe78 wrote: »

Thanks for your best wishes and advice. Unfortunately things not really improving, tonight she called me a f*****g kn**h**d for moving my feet after she had asked me to stop doing it as it annoys her (i'm a fidget by nature, always have been, can't help it). I snapped back, threw a cushion at her ( i know, worst thing to do, regret it) and told her not to speak to me like that. Her response was to call me a f****g f*t c**t and storm off to bed.

Not sure where we go from here really but doesn't look (or feel) good.:(

Fidgeting is a pain. It's the Chinese water torture of human interaction.

If my Bloke threw anything at me in anger, I don't care if it was a breezeblock or a tampon, his feet would not touch the ground until he was halfway into the next road. And I'd probably raid the deepest depths of Beowulf and the Anglo Saxon Chronicles to find the most appropriate words to address him. Not that he would dream of doing anything like that - he's too well evolved for that kind of behaviour.


I'm going to suggest you consider things from her perspective. Now, I realise that you are so polarised at the moment that this is difficult to hear, but just for a moment, think how things may seem to her in those long hours at home with the baby alone;

*****************


Yes, being picky is a pain. But after a responsible job, to go being home alone for pretty much your entire waking day with something that generally does little more than eat, fill nappies and cry must leave her feeling like a single parent, more so if your 12 hour days at work are followed by travelling time, socialising, sports or anything else.

Then the baby is pretty much uncontrollable - you can't stop them crying or not sleeping when you are shattered and desperate for a moment you aren't having to listen out for another wail. There always seems to be a faint smell of baby sick everywhere you go.

So focusing on the things you can control, like cleaning or shopping or arrangements with in laws means that there is at least something where you have power. But then the hardly-ever-there (bear with me, this is how it could feel to her) husband finally comes in and has changed the shampoo brand, decided they are spending the day she hoped they could have as a family with other people where she feels she is under scrutiny (and misses her father even more) and may as well not be there when he is, as he doesn't pay a blind bit of attention to anything she says.

But he notices when she shouts and swears at him. Maybe a row would result in things changing and maybe some making up?

Nope, he just hits her in the face with a cushion.


****

Do you think that any of this could be the case with your marriage?

coolcait

Asking the OP to consider why his wife may be acting this way is fair enough. Explaining how it feels when you are a new [STRIKE]zombie[/STRIKE] mum is helpful, because it is very hard to understand the effects of long-term sleep deprivation until you've experienced it. And, yes, if you've come from doing a responsible job, it can add to the culture shock of being a brand new stary at home mum.

However, if the OP's wife called everyone who upsets "a f*****g kn**h**d" and/or "a f****g f*t c**t", then her own issues might become clearer. Not least because some of the people on the receiving end of that abuse might get the police involved.

If she goes back to work, and calls a fidgety colleague "a f*****g kn**h**d" and/or "a f****g f*t c**t", then she's likely to find herself being at home for pretty much her entire waking day.

I doubt if she does either of those things. She may get angry, but she will express that anger - in public, and to others - in a very diffrent way.

If she is able to control herself enough not to treat other people like that, then she is able to control herself enough not to treat her husband that way.

If she chooses not to control herself, then that is an issue which she must deal with. The fact that she blames her husband for her behaviour is one of the things which made me wonder about domestic abuse. It's a classic excuse used by abusers.

She may or may not have genuine reason to be annoyed with her husband - I don't think it's clear either way from the OP's posts. She could be a hard-done by, hard-working wife and mother. She could be one of those people that it is impossible to please. she could be something in between.

However, her behaviour is not acceptable.

It doesn't matter how much any of us may empathise with the difficulties of being a new mum for the first time, dealing with the loss of a loved one, and not having the daily responsibilities of a career.

The wife's behaviour is not acceptable.

And, if a female poster had said, "Unfortunately things not really improving, tonight he called me a f*****g stupid c**t for moving my feet after he had asked me to stop doing it as it annoys him (i'm a fidget by nature, always have been, can't help it). I snapped back, threw a cushion at him ( i know, worst thing to do, regret it) and told him not to speak to me like that. His response was to call me a f****g f*t moody c**t and storm off to bed" -

would anyone have seriously suggested that she should lose weight and sort out her hormones to keep her husband happy?

I doubt it. People would have recognised that throwing the cushion wasn't the right behaviour ('but at least you picked something that wouldn't hurt him, hun! More than he did with those horrible things he said to you!') but would have given advice to leave an abusive marriage. Plus the contact details for Women's Aid.

It's a lot harder to suspect, or recognise, abuse when it's a woman directing it at a man. And you can't give a man contact details for Women's Aid.

photogifts

I agree with previous posters coolcait and gingham

The op also highlighted at the start its been ongoing for years picking flaws and also been incidents in public
criticisms constant picking faults silly things and now verbal insults what next ? is there even any apology's or just your fault ?

It comes to me as abuse as well we can all get worked up upset but nobody is at fault for our own reaction to situation we choose how to react if not a healthy reaction take some responsibility if i noticed change in my behaviour i would seek help why should op walk on eggshells cause he doesn't live up to perfection who is perfect ?

DitaVonTee

I'd say what the OP's wife is committing is a form of ''emotional abuse'' towards her husband & it isn't acceptable.

OP, I really think you need to have a sit down and a long hard chat with you're wife - try to find someone that will look after the baby for the night, or at least a few hours. See if she will agree to seek some sort of counselling in regards to why she looses her cool so quickly, also she may be suffering from PND which can surface at any time, so it would be worth her speaking to her health visitor or Doctor in regards to this - most with PND don't even know there is a problem - it has canny ways of surfacing.

Also, she's a new mum still just trying to find her feet so a little understanding regarding this from you would also go a long way, you may have worked a 12 hour shift all day, but, she's had the baby and where there are babies around there is often no ''let up'', lack of sleep, constant feeds, changing mountains of nappies, bathing, keeping them occupied takes a lot, it also takes a lot out of you - you can often find yourself loosing you're cool - Hell, I did, I've lost count the amount of times I've snapped at Hubby regarding the most simple of things - afraid it's human nature when you feel so tired and crappy all the time whilst trying to keep afloat with other stuff too.

Seriously though, when I've snapped at hubby over the most stupid of things - he's always been forgiving in his replies - Telling me how wonderful/beautiful I am and how lucky the family is to have me I happen to think if you said something along the lines of this, followed with a supportive cuddle - I think you'd be halfway there;) I think she is maybe feeling undervalued and probably taken for granted, see when you've been together so long you can get so stuck in a rut.

So, my advice is, employ grandparents to take baby for the night, book a nice table somewhere, spoil her and tell her how wonderful she is A little goes a long way.

Good Luck.:)

pelirocco

I think another poster has already pointed out had this been a woman posting the advice would have been very different . I know 3men who have very similar relationships and I have witnessed the constant sniping they receive and have wondered why they stay tbh . The op,s case appears to be more extreme with the swearing and name calling . I can quite believe he has done nothing to deserve this abuse , his wife is appears unhappy in life but only she has the power to change this .....but There again she might not be capable of thinking about anyone else but herself


My father has had over 30 years of constant sniping from my step mother , how he put up with it god knows , he is 82 now and confessed to my sister that all he wants is peace for his final years

pelirocco

If I am reading the OPs post right , this hasn't come on since the birth of the child , but has always happened

NickyBat

As i said in an earlier post, i can sympathise with your wife BUT i have to say last nights little ouburst was uncalled for, i would not be happy someone using language lit that at me.
I think i would just leave her to it at the moment, speak to her only when she speaks to you and let her see you don't wish to enter into conversation with her until she can treat you properly. I am sure at some point she will ask what is up with you and maybe you could take that as your opening to calmly talk to her, and tell her her behaviour is unacceptable.

Hectors_House

NickyBat wrote: »

As i said in an earlier post, i can sympathise with your wife BUT i have to say last nights little ouburst was uncalled for, i would not be happy someone using language lit that at me.
I think i would just leave her to it at the moment, speak to her only when she speaks to you and let her see you don't wish to enter into conversation with her until she can treat you properly. I am sure at some point she will ask what is up with you and maybe you could take that as your opening to calmly talk to her, and tell her her behaviour is unacceptable.

And I'd just like to add to this that if her response to your concerns are along the lines of 'get over it, it was nothing', 'you always overreact - I was saying it for your own good' or other dismissive comment AND if she has responded to your concerns in this way in the past then I think you need to look further into some kind of talking therapy as she would be showing clear signs of not respecting your feelings or accepting her behaviour in inappropriate.

My mother has spent as long as I can remember putting my father down and then responding like that if he dares to question her behaviour towards him. As we got older she started in on her children - always using the excuse that she was saying whatever she's said 'for your own good'. As someone above pointed out, this isn't being honest, its plain blunt rudeness. And it shows not only a lack of support, but a lack of empathy.

This kind of behaviour is abuse and leads to a crippling lack of self-esteem for the family members on the recieving end in the long run.

And now her own daughter (me) has decided to go no contact and her own sister has told her the rest of her family don't involve her in anything through wariness of her verbal reaction.

You might just be setting up the rest of your life to be like my fathers, and God help you if you sit back and watch her taking out her issues on your children for an easy life because you and they will never know any peace.

My few good memories of my childhood are of my father playing with us, teaching us to ride our bikes etc but, for the most part my memories are of being manhandled by my mother away from whatever she was telling me I was doing wrong (and this behaviour persisted into my adulthood leading me to not dare try to clean the house unless they were away on holiday because I was so used to her critisizing the way I hoovered etc). It was, at the age of 45 having her criticise the way I clean my own house that finally made me realise that something was seriously wrong with this relationship.

She followed this with totally inappropriate comments about something that happened to me many years ago and I realised that she didn't respect any kind of boundries and things weren't going to get any better so I decided to cut off contact completely.

belfastgirl23

I'm with those who say that this behaviour on the part of your wife is unacceptable. there's no way around that. I'm sure there are all sorts of reasons why she might be feeling frustrated and upset but none justify how she's behaving.

At the minute the only type of communication you're having is her going on and on at you, you tuning it out a lot of the time till something is so horrible that it gets through, then losing your temper. You need to accept that neither of you are communicating well. You are effectively rewarding your wife's bad behaviour in a way by only paying proper attention when she reaches fever pitch. You need to find a way to break this cycle.

Can you find a quiet time to sit down with her (definitely not in the middle of an argument, but when things are calm) and talk properly? Explain to her that you love her and the baby and you want your marriage to work but at the minute you're very unhappy. And that you think she's very unhappy too. Acknowledge that the relationship isn't working and that you have a responsiblity in this and be clear that this is not the atmosphere that you want to bring your daughter up in. Tell her that you're committed to making it work and this conversation is not about splitting up or about threatening anyone, but about trying to find a way forward that makes both of you happy. And as importantly, provides a stable and loving home for your child and a good example for them growing up.

You also need to prepare yourself to hear painful truths and to acknowledge if there is truth in something she says without turning them around into being about her behavior. So if she says something like 'you never listen' you need to say 'I know that I don't always pay proper attention to you, you're absolutely right about that. but I suppose what I'm feeling is that I'm trying really hard to get things right and I'm upset that I can't seem to do them in a way that makes you happy and so I switch off a bit because I don't want to feel upset like that'. Try to think about why you do things in terms of how you feel rather than in terms of what she does.

The only one criticism I have of you in a direct way is using the threat of splitting up. To me this is a huge act of vandalism in a relationship. It's effectively saying 'pull your socks up or I'm out of here' and is bound to engender strong emotions in the other person. People lash out when they're feeling vulnerable and to me, using this tactic will make her feel really vulnerable and almost guarantee her lashing out. In your shoes I'd apologise for this one as a start to the conversation, it's also really not a nice way to treat your wife and the mother of your child, however frustrated you might feel. And I think if you start off with an apology it sets the tone for how the conversation can go and hopefully gives her space to acknowledge some of what she's feeling and think about her own behaviour.

I really hope you work things out though. To me this sounds like a bad patch rather than something to split up over.

photogifts

If i was reading this post as a woman being treated like this i would advise her to get out and id be worried where it was leading

but no matter what we all think its down to your choice you dont want to be dragged down to her level
which can happen sometimes it can be human instinct for tit for tat and becomes a vicious circle of doing this doing that

Yous all have a right to be happy even your wife and if she isnt wanting to make a joint effort to get help to fix this situation
or see errors of her ways then it doesnt look positive for yous's,everything is easier said than done and it can be easy to think
better the devil i know and putting up with things in a ideal world id like for things to work out for yous but it needs her effort to
which she has to make that decisioni know if i said to my partner if she did something in a way that upset me she would would change tactics
and that works both ways out of respect