A good enough reason to seperate?

Fletchasketch

It really does sound like you need to talk. Whilst the constant undermining and criticism must be hard to bear, don't underestimate the stress she is probably under. Obviously this is not to belittle your situation, but I would imagine that at this time of year what with having a small baby and possible money worries? that she is under a lot of stress. I remember feeling that my parents used to argue a lot when we were small, but they did always make up. I now realise it must have been the stress of having us 3 little !!!!!!s to deal with and now they couldn't be happier.

One thing that used to work for my dad was going for a long walk. I realise it sounds as though your problems are more deep-rooted than this, so please please try counselling if there is a chance of making it work. You will only hate yourself if you don't.

averagejoe78

Just logged in and was suprised to see so many people had responded. Can't respond to everyone but in general I would say honestly that I don't do as much around the house as my wife but do what I can and what she asks me to do however usually not to the required standard. I would do more however i work 12 hr days so aren't actually in the house that much through the week and when i get home i'm straight into bathing the little one, last feed, my feed and bed. At the weekend we do things together and i'll go do the food shop if she wants me to or look after the little one if she wants to go out for her hair doing or clothes shopping or whatever.

In answer to one poster, yes she has extremely high standards in everything including my appearance. I am not scruffy (felt quite offended at that!) and take pride in my appearance however to be constantly picked at for things like ear hair or have comments about my weight is a bit much. I have a professional job and wear a suit most days, if we go out i'll invariably wear a nice shirt and through the days jeans and t-shirts - I am not Jim Royal!

In answer to another poster yes she has always been ultra picky about things in the house. An example would be drawing the curtains so that no gap whatsoever can be seen from any angle - I gave up trying years ago and she now draws all curtains. I honestly think compared to a lot of my male friends I'm very well "house-trained" and don't just leave things lying around and dishes unwashed etc. To be honest this isn't my main issue as i've grown used to it however I understand the points people make about listening more/doing more and will try.

My main issue though is the shouting, swearing and name-calling especially in front of the little one. I've got this awful image in my mind of my child in 5/6 yrs time speaking to me in the same way as they think thats ok because mummy does. Think those of you who suggested counselling may be right however there is no way that she would ever agree with it as in her eyes the problem is mine and she wouldn't react in this way if i didn't do things which annoy her/wind her up.

The poster who mentioned her own situation and losing her father resonated as my wife lost her father about 5 yrs ago too and in our relationship I am very much the laid back one whilst she is quite uptight and needs to be organised and in control of everything.

Financailly she works full time but is going back after maternity on reduced hours. I have a good job and we don't have money issues as such.

At the end of the day I don't want to seperate but I'm just starting to feel a little jaded with it all and it's starting to effect my self esteem. I'm quite a strong person but the constant sniping can get to even the most stout individual and knock your confidence. I've done the "please don't talk to me like that" bit and even the "if you continue talking to me like that I wont stay around" bit but she just says "whatever" or "do what you like" or something akin to that.

Thanks for all your comments and advice anyway...

paddy's_mum

When the two of you talked in general terms about separating, what was her reaction? Is she really that laid back about imminent disaster?

You need professional help, whether you seek it as a couple or just you. Good luck.

jayII

I totally agree with paddy's mum, it sounds very complex, and you really need professional help to disentangle it all.

She could be laid back because it's been threatened so often that it's become meaningless or because she's depressed or overwhelmed, or for a number of other reasons. But it may be that she simply doesn't care or respect you any more. I hoipe it isn't the latter.

I couldn't live like this, and you should be worrying about the efffect on your son now, never mind in six years time! Very small children absorb and learn to mimic behaviours very quickly, plus it isn't healthy for any of you (including your son) to live like this!

londoner1998

averagejoe78 wrote: »

Just logged in and was suprised to see so many people had responded. Can't respond to everyone but in general I would say honestly that I don't do as much around the house as my wife but do what I can and what she asks me to do however usually not to the required standard. I would do more however i work 12 hr days so aren't actually in the house that much through the week and when i get home i'm straight into bathing the little one, last feed, my feed and bed. At the weekend we do things together and i'll go do the food shop if she wants me to or look after the little one if she wants to go out for her hair doing or clothes shopping or whatever.

In answer to one poster, yes she has extremely high standards in everything including my appearance. I am not scruffy (felt quite offended at that!) and take pride in my appearance however to be constantly picked at for things like ear hair or have comments about my weight is a bit much. I have a professional job and wear a suit most days, if we go out i'll invariably wear a nice shirt and through the days jeans and t-shirts - I am not Jim Royal!

In answer to another poster yes she has always been ultra picky about things in the house. An example would be drawing the curtains so that no gap whatsoever can be seen from any angle - I gave up trying years ago and she now draws all curtains. I honestly think compared to a lot of my male friends I'm very well "house-trained" and don't just leave things lying around and dishes unwashed etc. To be honest this isn't my main issue as i've grown used to it however I understand the points people make about listening more/doing more and will try.

My main issue though is the shouting, swearing and name-calling especially in front of the little one. I've got this awful image in my mind of my child in 5/6 yrs time speaking to me in the same way as they think thats ok because mummy does. Think those of you who suggested counselling may be right however there is no way that she would ever agree with it as in her eyes the problem is mine and she wouldn't react in this way if i didn't do things which annoy her/wind her up.

The poster who mentioned her own situation and losing her father resonated as my wife lost her father about 5 yrs ago too and in our relationship I am very much the laid back one whilst she is quite uptight and needs to be organised and in control of everything.

Financailly she works full time but is going back after maternity on reduced hours. I have a good job and we don't have money issues as such.

At the end of the day I don't want to seperate but I'm just starting to feel a little jaded with it all and it's starting to effect my self esteem. I'm quite a strong person but the constant sniping can get to even the most stout individual and knock your confidence. I've done the "please don't talk to me like that" bit and even the "if you continue talking to me like that I wont stay around" bit but she just says "whatever" or "do what you like" or something akin to that.

Thanks for all your comments and advice anyway...

Joe

I really feel for you. There is no much more I can offer, apart from my own exerience, and I hope it helped you make sense of some of it, at least. Your wife's behaviour seems quite obsessive (I shoudl know!), and I wonder if she doesn't need some kind of release: time out form the house- may this be he gym, a yoga class or a course she can do to focus her energies,if moneyis not so much of a problem. I am again tudying while working and this has helped me to re-channel my obsesive quest for perfection. It is not easy, but OH and I work as a team- he does more in the house when I am doing course work and I have to let go of controlling everything (IE curtains drawn ). I know it must be very hard with a child, but she needs to find a way.
I agree with you about the name calling and shouting (been there too, to my shame, but you need to make it clear that you will not live like this- respect yourself and she will respect you. Make it clear that you want to work WITH her, but that you can't be subjected to this treatment. Walk away when she calls you names, after reminding her what will happen of she continues like that and leave her with her thoughts for a little bit. If she has the space to think about it, she might realise this is not what any of you want, especially for your child. She needs to find out where her frustration is coming from and put it in perspective,as well as understand that it doesn't have to be like this- this is very destructive to you all. My loneliness while grieving made me very sad and angry and it often came out lashing out. She might feel trapped in her role as a mum, after losing a parent and feeling life is passing her by- who knows, these are just a number of things. But I agree that she can't disrespect you like that and she needs to know that she is hurting you.
I would advise you to remove yourself from these hurtful situations, and see how it goes. Go quietly for a walk and leave her to it. Afterwards, when she has calmed down, explain how all this is making you feel and offer to work with her on whatever is distressing her, but again, walk away of she is not getting a grip and only talk to her if she is not abusing you. She might not be hearing you amid all her shouting, if you see what I mean. Counselling, I think , would be a very good thing, for her as well as for you. Go alone if you feel you need to.

Good luck, Joe- I truly feel for you as I have the feeling this is not completely your fault- I get the impression your OH has very deeply rooted issues of her own she is carrying around...

Ax

aloise

We are only getting one side of the story here. Wonder what his wife's side would be.

londoner1998

aloise wrote: »

We are only getting one side of the story here. Wonder what his wife's side would be.

Yes, we are only hearing from him... and so we can only assume a number of things. But it is clear that he is unhappy with this situation and if this is the case she can't be very happy either.
This is not about who's to blame, but what can be done to make it better from what we know. There is a child involved and I think we should at least, trust that the OP is giving us a fair account from his perspective.

However much advice we offer, the fact remains that OP and OH really need to know what the other one is feeling- then they can start to make the situation better.
I really hpe they can resolve it- so often marriages end when they didn't need to, if only they had found help early enough...

Schwade

It's obvious you two don't share your feelings or communicate in the right way.

Obviously, face to face ends in argument if you do communicate as you two go off tangent.

Solutions:
1. Send her an email expressing your feelings; or
2. Forward this thread to her. She might get angry that you posted your problem online but explain to her you feel like you are in a corner and needed people not involved to be objective about the situation.

NickyBat

ok, here goes. Having read your posts, i think it sounds like she is just peed off with everything. Lets look at the facts, she has gone from a full time working person, wife, lover etc to now being a mummy, and whilst it may well be what she wanted it is still a huge change in life. You say you are quite well "house trained", that may well be but she now has to think of another little beings needs as well as everything else and if you already know what you should be doing when and how and your not i imagine this is grating on her. My husband is far more laid back than me and whilst i am more than happy doing the lions share of household chores (as i work a lot less hours than him), and the school run etc it does wind me up when the dirty clothes are "near" the wash basket and the dishes are "near" the sink etc, cleaning is not the problem its the tidying away that needs doing before the cleaning can be started.
Do you get my drift?............. it's like having to think for two people when he should / could be doing it himself and it's all these little things that lead to the bigger blow up.
You say she has to draw the curtains now as you always get it wrong. Why?, is it really that difficult?, i suspect not, you sound like my husband who cant actually put the toilet roll on the holder but he can get a new one out and leave it on the ledge for me to do!!!! Really its not rocket science is it , its just an excuse lol but again something that when done constantly will wind her up.

Whilst i agree her way of talking to you is unacceptable and something you need to stop i also think maybe you're not helping matters at times, maybe just a bit more thought is needed.

Sublime_2

It sounds like your wife is stressed, and unfortunately is taking it out on you.

Mental cruelty, is extremely undermining in its own way. Just as bad as physical abuse, especially if you know that the other person is doing it because they're stressed. You excuse the behaviour. There is no excuse though. It is demoralising.

Seek counselling, before it is too late.