A good enough reason to seperate?

ninky_2

i'd say this is a relationship that can still be turned around but only if you both want to and are prepared to work at it.

is there some sort of compromise that you could come to that would help reduce the nagging. could you agree to do 20-30 minutes at a set time a day of 'chores' on the proviso that the nagging doesn't continue and your wife cuts you some slack the rest of the time.

perhaps if she knew that at 6.30 pm everyday you'd take the bins out / do the washing up or whatever is most annoying for her - and that whatever doesn't get done gets left for the next day or done by her, then that would help.

relationships can slip into a negative cycle where the carping and nagging just feeds in on itself. perhaps you need to ask your wife what she loves about you, what you still do that makes her happy and also tell her the same just so you start to hear some positive feedback from each other's mouths. it's the positives and compliments that will feed back some romance back into this marriage.

make a day where you decide to have a fresh start.

good luck.

Fuzzy_Duck

Really shocked by how many incredibly rude and sexist posts there are here. Like other posters have said, I completely agree that is this were a woman with a verbally abusive husband we'd all be on her side telling her not to put up with it! However frustrated/depressed the OP's wife is, he does not deserve to be insulted and sworn at. There is no justification for verbally abusing someone this way, especially your partner.

OP, it sounds to me like you do try your best, and you can't ask for anything more really can you? Her impossibly high standards suggests to me she might have OCD, and if this is the case her obsessive cleaning habits may be her way of keeping control and be hiding underlying issues. It is worth considering that she may have post-natal depression. If this is the case she needs your support, but at the same time you don't have to take this abuse. I would tell her calmly that "I will not speak to you until you speak to me with respect", and if she really blows her top go out for a walk and leave her to calm down.

I think counselling would be your best bet. It doesn't sound like she's capable of having a civilised discussion, and at least with counselling you have someone who is experienced in these issues and unbiased in their observations. I wouldn't throw in the towel just yet- after all, your post suggests that you used to get on (is this correct or has this always been a bit of a problem?) and you have a child to think about too.

jayII

I have to say, if I were the OP I'd have been out of there long since (I'm female, though I don't think that's relevant in this case). I don't think anyone deserves to be talked to like that, especially in their own home! Our homes should be a welcome haven from the stresses of life, not a battleground where our self confidence is constantly undermined.

OK, we only have one side of the story, but this woman seems to think it is acceptable to treat another person like a piece of dirt on her shoe. What will she do when her child fails to live up to her standards? Will she be able to control her temper when she has a tantruming toddler, or a stroppy 5 year old to deal with?

It may be that counselling will help, either to save the marriage if BOTH of them are willing to put effort in, or to help the OP to find the best way forward for himself. It sounds like a nightmare of a situation.

KarrieBee

OP I am also in the camp of your wife's behaviour towards you is not acceptable. Because I have been that wife.
Like another poster my dad died a few years ago and I became anxious and depressed and behaved in exactly this way towards my partner. Yes he could be a bit laid back, yes he didn't necessarily do things in the house the way I would but thinking of the way i spoke to him, someone I love very much, makes me cringe.
The crunch point for us was when he said he could never imagine us having children as he was scared of how intolerant I had become and would not want to bring up little ones in that environment. He also pointed out that i would never speak to my friends, family or colleagues like I spoke to him.
We went for counselling with a brilliant counsellor from relate. I can honestly say it has saved my marriage. We learned techniques for communicating with each other and how to give each other space and support.
I really do think it is resolvable but only if she is willing to acknowlegde this a a problem with the relationship and not all your fault.
I wish you both all the best.

tinkerbellsmum_2

I could of wrote your post but about my husband he has extremely high standards and sometimes it feels like no matter what I do it not good anoth and like you we usually have a big arguement once a month cause i'm fed up with the moaning. he goes though stages where he does try to be laided back and not mention the things that bug him but it doesn't last that long. and I've got to the point that i've had enough I want a easy life and this doesn't feel easy.
i've asked him to leave a number of times but he won't (but its usually in temper and I don't think he things I mean it)
one thing I know from being a woman is when we shout at a man we are trying to hurt them because they have hurt us or mad or mad but where if you ignore a man they give up and calm down a woman will get mader well me anyway.
I wish I could say I had a magic answer cause i'd quite like one myself but from my exprience I'm not sure someone like my husband (hes always been this way to a extent) and maybe your wife if she has always been this way can change. maybe if you want to make things work with your wife you have to find things that work. One thing I do find helps is we go walking alot and when we are on a walk (its netrual ground and relaxing and you have less chance to argue cause you are in public) I gently not straight away bring up whats bothering me remaining calm at all times and if he starts to get irrated I say I don't want to argue I just want to sort things out I don't like arguing. maybe ask her what she wants you to do.
there could be lots of reason for her being at you all the time from depression or boredom to maybe cause things are not great at the mo shes still holding old anger in and its building up and up.
I've got to the stage now where I won't let him bother me and I know hes noticed i'm being off with him but i'm not sure I care anymore I want to for my kids but I want him to relax to and i don't think he can
good luck I hope how ever it turns out works out best

gravitytolls

There's never a 'good' excuse for seperating, with the exception of violence; sadly, sometimes couples simply realise they no longer love one anotgher.

Re. leaving and finances, IMOL, when a person begins to look at practical reasons why they shouldn't seperate, this is often because deep dowsn, seperation is not what they want, but a resolution to the difficulties is. If you were really unhappy and determined to leave, you would and the finances would resolve themselves somehow.

So, presuming you want to save your relationship, you need to consider how best to do this.

You've spoken to your partner, but she always turns it around and wants you to believe it's your fault she needs to yell and criticise you. This indicates that she is certainly aware of what she is doing, but is unable to accept that it it is unreasonable behaviour.

Look at her childhood.... did her parents behave like this? Were her parents seperated? Has she not had any role models to instrust her by example how to behave? Was she treated like this herself?

If you can get to the root of the behaviour, then so can she, at which point the behaviour can begin to change. But you're not going to to do this alone, you need help.

I honestly believe that you want to remain in a committed relationship, I honestly believe that you don't want your child to be raised in a toxic atmosphere, whether with you as a couple of not, nor do you want your child to grow believing this to be normal behaviour.

Please suggest counselling to your partner, and if she is unwilling, maybe you need to show her this thread, not to cause her hurt, but to show her how awful you're feeling and how much you want to do whatever you can to save your relationship.

Mr.Mulla

Just tell her that you love her and that you don't want your marriage to end. Then try and have a heart to heart talk with her. Hopefully that will improve things.

C_Mababejive

Had a quick read and really, i'd say that the OP is in danger of being on the receiving end of domestic violence from his overbearing and bullying wife!

Mind you,she presumably was like that when he met and married her but now its getting a bit wearing.

Bottom line id say is that if she wont admit there is a problem then he needs to dump her and move on.

Unfortunately,being a married male parent,he will be made to pay.

Better to pay financially than suffer mental cruelty and the risk of physical assault because that is where this is going.

dgl1001

OP - sometimes you need to be strong. Be strong and get out of the relatiobnship. Life is too short to be treated in this way and i'm sorry to say, but she isn't going to change. This is about more than PND. Your children will not benefit from this aggresive environment either.

ninky_2

i'm surprised how many people are saying he should get out. we're talking about a 10 year relationship with a 6 month old. even the OP admits they get on when the bickering isn't happening and she is a great mum.

it may be this relationship can't be saved but i don't think i'd chuck it in without trying some things differently first.