A good enough reason to seperate?

snoop2008

GlasweJen wrote: »

There's no excuse for domestic abuse and I'm sorry but if a partner constantly undermimed me then I'd say I'm being emotionally abused. Just because the OP is male doesn't change the criteria.

I'd be frank, tell your wife any more of her rubbish and she's out, why should you be the one to leave? She's the one with the problem. A father can raise a child just as well as a mother can.

If she really wanted to change she might respond to therapy but i'd suggest it then tell her if she wants to try it she can book it and tell you the date and time, she needs to be the one to realise her mistakes and change or else it will be a pointless exercise.

Glaswejen, I really have to agree with you here, this is emotional abuse, be it a woman in this case.

OP, you also mentioned that no matter what you do, you can never please her. Putting you down, is it any wonder you feel inadequate. Chipping away at your personality is undermining you and I can see how this can lead to losing your confidence. Whilst you are aware how she makes you feel, The question really is, Is she aware of how she makes you feel?

The other thing I would like to point out. Having a new baby will often bring up issues of how she was parented, remembering how her childhood was and what messages she learnt as a child from her parents. This is something to think about.

I rememeber my parents were very particular about how I did things, and yes being undermined made me feel useless. I am not saying this is the case for your other half, but strong emotions from her parenting experience could affect the way she communicates with you when the issue could well be with her.

It's never easy to know what to do for the best, but I suggest if you want to save your marriage, then you need to speak openly about the way she makes you feel. I hear what you said that you do get along in between time, but this does not make it right or better. Perhaps because you have tolerated her attitude towards for so long, you have taken a back step , but that clearly does not work either because all you have, is allow her to treat you this way.

I am a strong believer in communication, we don't often like what we hear but who would be the one tell her. Not her friends, or family but you. Moving on and resolving whatever the issue is, can only be spoken about. No one wants to feel inadequate, not even her, but if she is not aware of how she makes you feel, then she will continue.

All the best.

londoner1998

I have been that wife too and I can tell you that it is hard, but possible. I spent three years with a counsellor and I can categorically say that it has saved not only my relationhsip, but my life: the shame and despair I experienced after talking to my OH in that way is something I don't want to experience again.

Anger, exhaustion, grief... all these things build up and when you lose someone very close to you, the feeling of powerlessness can be overwhelming- I am not excusing her behaviour (before anybody jumps, I don't see a different between abuse to a male or a female), but only saying that a person that behaves in this way is obviously very distressed. Like my counsellor said, my dad used to 'Top me up' emotionally when things went per-shaped... without that kind of solid, unshakeable support life can fell like a very dangerous place, especially after a bereavement- hence the controlling bit and obsessive behaviour. I must also say, if my OH had stood up and said earlier on 'I will not stay if you carry on talking to me like that', I would have stopped and thought about my behaviour earlier. But at the time I couldn't see it for myself and so the counsellor stepped in to find out why I was behaving in that way when I adore my OH. The way I felt is 'the house has to be clean and work seemlessly- it is the only thing I have'

OP- if you love her and want to save your family, tell her how you feel- tell her you know she lost her dad and that was terrible for her. Tell her you are with her and love her- adn tell her you want to work on this and move forward as a family but she needs to understand how destructive her behaviour is. It is not easy, but you need to talk. And it has to come from a place of love and open hearts. She also needs to understand that she can't carry on hurting you in that way- but she needs to know she is hurting you. AT some point I though my OH thought normal that a couple behaved in that way and that made me even angrier.
Good luck, it is not an easy situation to be in, but as I said, it is resolvable.

Ax

gravitytolls

Wise words from Londoner there, never mind the 'dump her' brigade, listen to someone who's been there, fought it and come out the other side.

londoner1998

... and like someone else said, you mention the 'once a month average'- this might sound like a lame excuse or even incomprehensible to some men, but believe me, bad PMT can turn any woman into a monster: the hormones going up and down affect directly how we perceive things. Just last month I had a very strong argument with my boss and I know it is because I had been bottling things up for a long time and they finally came out 'on day 23', as I call it (from 'day 20 onwards it gets tough).

It could well be that that week of the month she is pre-menstrual and whatever bothers her takes gigantic proportions. Exhaustion means that she won't be able to control her own behaviour (nervous system gets fried). Try to find out and offer to help...(but if you offer, do it).

I really hope you can resolve things, OP, because it seems to me that on the whole, you have a good thing going...

All the best and good luck
Ax

ninky_2

londoner1998 wrote: »

It could well be that that week of the month she is pre-menstrual and whatever bothers her takes gigantic proportions. Exhaustion means that she won't be able to control her own behaviour (nervous system gets fried). Try to find out and offer to help...(but if you offer, do it).

a lot of women also get quite fussy about cleanliness in the run up to their period, the hormones really do have a big impact and you often don't realise it yourself until someone else points it out. my OH often jokes it's the only time i do any housework.....he's not far off tbf.:D

ailuro2

When we look back on the first year of our DD's life, we both agree it was the toughest year of our adult lives - we were both working shifts, in those days it was back to work when baby was 3 months old or no wages... we had just moved house too, so not going back wasn't even considered.

DD is 12 now, we are still together and I like to think we have a pretty good relationship - however, ask me to repeat that first year and I'd run a mile - don't underestimate how tough it is, it will get better for both you and your wife, her hormones will settle down, you will all be getting more sleep, and you'll have time to sit down and plan more for things that need done.

If you can't speak to your wife without things getting heated, or if your voice simply isn't heard, then write her a letter and leave her to read it while you take baby out for a walk. Don't be harsh on your wife, as she probably realises there's a problem but feels a bit helpless to do anything about it right now.

Choose your moment - I don't think you want to give up on your family, you just want life to be a bit different, right?
Good Luck, let us know how things are going - this is a great place to vent when everyone else is too busy to listen.