Estranged Son- made for an upsetting Christmas.

poppy10_2

Minxz wrote: »

Other people here can see how they would feel, and tried to help.. you on the other hand seem to just enjoy making me feel like !!!!.

I don't mean to make you feel bad, I know this is a difficult situation for you. I was just making a point, but perhaps this is not the most appropriate place to do so. Feel free to ignore me.

ernie-money

Minxz wrote: »

yes, we make mistakes, how many kids do you have ( probably none).. and how often have you got it wrong? Never?

I would be interested to hear the answer to that as well! It's always easy to sit back and judge others, but to weigh your actions on silver scales every single time and always do the right thing isn't quite as easy in reality...
I've been following your thread, but only commented once, because it's really hard to dish out advice when you only hear the events second hand, and even if you think you might have done things differently, how do you know until you've actually been in that situation yourself?
Before having kids I thought it would be easy to always do the right thing, but in real life it's far from it. I sometimes raise my voice to my son, even if I know that I'd much prefer to calmly explain to him what he's done wrong - truth is I'm just no saint, and I don't think many others are either. Lots of people have said you should just forget about your son and move on. I know what they mean, but at the same time I think it's the fact that you can't, that makes you who you are. You need to draw the line somewhere, and not let him take the p**s if he decides to come back to you, but at the same time - would you really want to be the kind of person who can erase your first born child out of your life - I know I couldn't...
I'm not saying that against others who have had to do just that, like I said - you'll never know how you'd react until you're actually in the situation yourself. So maybe my advice is pretty worthless after all, but one thing I can say is, I hope you'll stay strong enough to carry on no matter what - big hugs. xxx

poppy10_2

ernie-money wrote: »

I would be interested to hear the answer to that as well!

I don't have kids, but I've worked with children with (alleged) mental health problems, and their parents. Usually it's the parents bringing their badly behaved brats along, claiming they have ADHD and wanting them medicated, because they lack the parenting skills to impose even the most basic of discipline on their offspring.

One kid had beaten up a fellow pupil with a stick, leaving the guy in hospital with a broken jaw. The next day the bully kid's mother had bought him a brand new Xbox 360, because "he was so brave when he was talking to the scary policemen, he deserves it".

It's that attitude that their little darlings can do no wrong, if there is a problem with their behaviour then it must be ADHD, or it must be the school's fault, or it must be the victim's fault, or anybody's fault except the parents who raised the little thug themselves.

Not saying that is even remotely the case with the OP, but you wanted to know the background I was coming from.

liam8282

poppy10 wrote: »

It's that attitude that their little darlings can do no wrong, if there is a problem with their behaviour then it must be ADHD, or it must be the school's fault, or it must be the victim's fault, or anybody's fault except the parents who raised the little thug themselves.

I think you missed out one person here, "the little thug". Just because they may be classed as a child, does not mean they should not be responsible for their own actions.

You cannot really say it is always the parents fault. I am sure there are some brilliant parents out their who have done the best for their children, but at the end of the day, the parents cannot control what a child does 24/7.

I agree a lot of the time it probably will be the parents fault, or how the child has been brought up, but not always.

Minxz

poppy10 wrote: »

I don't have kids, but I've worked with children with (alleged) mental health problems, and their parents. Usually it's the parents bringing their badly behaved brats along, claiming they have ADHD and wanting them medicated, because they lack the parenting skills to impose even the most basic of discipline on their offspring.

One kid had beaten up a fellow pupil with a stick, leaving the guy in hospital with a broken jaw. The next day the bully kid's mother had bought him a brand new Xbox 360, because "he was so brave when he was talking to the scary policemen, he deserves it".

It's that attitude that their little darlings can do no wrong, if there is a problem with their behaviour then it must be ADHD, or it must be the school's fault, or it must be the victim's fault, or anybody's fault except the parents who raised the little thug themselves.

Not saying that is even remotely the case with the OP, but you wanted to know the background I was coming from.

Funnily enough I've worked with special needs children too.
But.... working with them, and going home to a son going off the rails is completely different- I used to find it easier working with a group of 8 adhd boys than going home sometimes.

Lirin

Minx- this is hard on you. By now, you've went over every inch of his upbringing with a toothcomb in your head, wondering what you did that may have been wrong. You've niggled at everything to see if you could have done any different. I'm not being accusuory, and I'm hoping this comes out right, as barring my husband, I've never really talked about this.

An old boyfriend of mine sounded a lot like your son. I'd been with him for a couple of years, and thought we were getting on alright. Then one night when I'd travelled an hour to his house to see him- I got asked to go home, f off, he didn't want to see me again. All because I'd asked him how he was.

We'd dealt with our problems- or so I thought- when we decided to take a holiday which led into living away from home for a while. At this stage, he had a dependancy on alcohol, and had been diagnosed with severe depression. I still thought I could help him. I'm not inferring anything about your son by that- simply that was my ex's state.

I'll not go into the rest of the story, as it got fairly ugly for quite a while, and really isn't relevant to you. It's enough to say I left after I was punched in the head while driving- almost lost control of the car- and he didn't seem to realise he'd even done anything.

I've rambled a bit, and on the verge of losing what I was saying, I think. My ex's mother forgave everything he did- all the fights, alcoholic rants, shouting and swearing- and the end result was even more anger directed at her, as he felt he wasn't being taken seriously. I used to sit up with her in the early hours of the morning, and she'd tell me to leave him, as it was breaking her heart watching how he treated other people. Yet, he could be sweet, jolly, full of laughter around other people. She tried so hard to help him, with money, support- and in the end, it's destroyed her.

I watched her suffer badly from continually trying to talk to him and help him- however bad it gets, don't let your son do this to you. Be strong as others have advised- and step back.

katebl

Minxz, I can't offer much in the way of advice but just wanted to say that you are clearly a better mother than your son ever deserved, and I hope you carry on focussing on the relationship with your two children who don't have massive chips on their shoulders. I won't insult your son but I will say he does have a hell of a lot of growing up to do. I'm a similar age to him and can't imagine life without my Mum, he really is a fool.

Sounds to me like his uni friends are making him feel a bit inferior (justified or not). When he finally leaves uni and goes out into the real world where he may well struggle to get a job, afford a roof over his head and to feed himself hopefully he'll realise that there is triumph in adversity and he should count himself lucky you ever tried for him.

Minxz

katebl wrote: »

Minxz, I can't offer much in the way of advice but just wanted to say that you are clearly a better mother than your son ever deserved, and I hope you carry on focussing on the relationship with your two children who don't have massive chips on their shoulders. I won't insult your son but I will say he does have a hell of a lot of growing up to do. I'm a similar age to him and can't imagine life without my Mum, he really is a fool.

Sounds to me like his uni friends are making him feel a bit inferior (justified or not). When he finally leaves uni and goes out into the real world where he may well struggle to get a job, afford a roof over his head and to feed himself hopefully he'll realise that there is triumph in adversity and he should count himself lucky you ever tried for him.

Thank you so much for that, it's hard, but for a short moment today I thought- if I begged & begged, and he came back, he'd easily do this again. I'd be walking on eggshells, afraiad to say a word out of line... and he could even do it once he has children.
So I'm not going to... I need to learn to carry on and block the hurt out, and to help with that i've started writing a blog... I never thought this was a common thing until I recieved some supportive replies on here- so sad.

really appreciate your message, thank you xx

Minxz

Lirin wrote: »

Minx- this is hard on you. By now, you've went over every inch of his upbringing with a toothcomb in your head, wondering what you did that may have been wrong. You've niggled at everything to see if you could have done any different. I'm not being accusuory, and I'm hoping this comes out right, as barring my husband, I've never really talked about this.

An old boyfriend of mine sounded a lot like your son. I'd been with him for a couple of years, and thought we were getting on alright. Then one night when I'd travelled an hour to his house to see him- I got asked to go home, f off, he didn't want to see me again. All because I'd asked him how he was.

Very familiar... that wasn't nice for you x

Lirin wrote: »

We'd dealt with our problems- or so I thought- when we decided to take a holiday which led into living away from home for a while. At this stage, he had a dependancy on alcohol, and had been diagnosed with severe depression. I still thought I could help him. I'm not inferring anything about your son by that- simply that was my ex's state.

I'll not go into the rest of the story, as it got fairly ugly for quite a while, and really isn't relevant to you. It's enough to say I left after I was punched in the head while driving- almost lost control of the car- and he didn't seem to realise he'd even done anything.

Once ES did hit me... but he always claims he didn't... as he described a 'red mist' and still says he can't remember it..it was many years ago , but not forgotten.

Lirin wrote: »

I've rambled a bit, and on the verge of losing what I was saying, I think. My ex's mother forgave everything he did- all the fights, alcoholic rants, shouting and swearing- and the end result was even more anger directed at her, as he felt he wasn't being taken seriously. I used to sit up with her in the early hours of the morning, and she'd tell me to leave him, as it was breaking her heart watching how he treated other people. Yet, he could be sweet, jolly, full of laughter around other people. She tried so hard to help him, with money, support- and in the end, it's destroyed her.

The poor lady... good advice.. not to let that happen here.

Lirin wrote: »

I watched her suffer badly from continually trying to talk to him and help him- however bad it gets, don't let your son do this to you. Be strong as others have advised- and step back.

Thank you xxx

katebl

Minxz wrote: »

Thank you so much for that, it's hard, but for a short moment today I thought- if I begged & begged, and he came back, he'd easily do this again. I'd be walking on eggshells, afraiad to say a word out of line... and he could even do it once he has children.
So I'm not going to... I need to learn to carry on and block the hurt out, and to help with that i've started writing a blog... I never thought this was a common thing until I recieved some supportive replies on here- so sad.

really appreciate your message, thank you xx

Good to hear you sounding stronger, I hope you can keep your resolve. If you feel yourself wavering come tell us!

Hope all goes well on your son's 21st.x :beer: