Estranged Son- made for an upsetting Christmas.

poppy10_2

Minxz wrote: »

the spoilt thing got everything he asked for

Perhaps that was the problem?

Minxz wrote: »

i had £1,000 to give my son on grad day, along with a holiday booking

What had he done to deserve that?

poet123

Minxz wrote: »

Small update-
Its a few months on, and I stopped texting him after Christmas, it was too painful, and i got the impression from other family members that he was starting to 'soften'..as he was asking how i was etc.
then i heard he'd had a bad couple of weeks at Uni, so like a mug I decided to text him, just said sorry to hear what's happened, and I'd like to ring him.
I got a looong text back, basically rtelling me he was 'disgusted' by me, as he thinks I did my best to f up his life .. I really don't get that- the spoilt thing got everything he asked for, I had to put up with all his anger & violence towards family, and stood by him even when he went to court.
Then he said I ' added nothing to his life now'... which made me question, was I only in his life till he could stand on hsi own 2 feet, and then disposed of like an old tissue?!

He's made it clear that he wants nothing to do with me... and I am finding it hard all over again. I feel almost a physical pain, I can't cope with the thought of losing him forever..despite what he has behaved like in the past. It's my other son's 21st birthday soon, we always take the whole family out for dinner, yet this time his elder brother won't come because of me. Plus it's made me think of that son's 21st.. he had a party, and we have some lovely photos of me & him together.
It's Mother's day soon... and sentimental things like that matter to me, and this year I have 'lost' a son.
I sent him a reply asking him to think about what he will do.. does this mean he'll never sttend weddings, funeral,s meet new babies in the family, attend his brother's graduation?

I saved for the last 3 years for both my boys graduation presents, i had £1,000 to give my son on grad day, along with a holiday booking

Don't know what to do now... as i won't be there.
Breaks my heart to think i did all i could to get him to Uni rather than Borstal, gave him cash/books/laptop etc when he needed it, and I won't get to see the end result, graduation.

Kids really kick where it hurts the most don't they.

I realise now he is being very selfish.. but it still hurts.

I've tried contacting him, and I've tried not contacting him... any other ideas anyone, or should I just give up?
:(

I dont have any advice to give, but I know how much it would hurt me, so I can understand how painful it is for you. I hope you can find peace and move forward. Perhaps one final letter pouring your heart out.....

I don't know, I know I would be loathe to give up, but whether that is the right
thing to do I dont know. I suspect that it will make you ill eventually so only you know how far you can go with it. Take care.

Minxz

poppy10 wrote: »

Perhaps that was the problem?

What had he done to deserve that?

he'd gone from being a 'chavvy hoody boy ' who drank, was abusive, and didnt study to a young man who got through college to get good a levels, and with help & support got to Uni, and is not in his last year and on his way to a 1st .... to me that is a big journey. Just a big shame he reverted back to type as soon as i thought he was growing up. the money was to start him off in a flat or something, not to fritter.

Minxz

poet123 wrote: »

I dont have any advice to give, but I know how much it would hurt me, so I can understand how painful it is for you. I hope you can find peace and move forward. Perhaps one final letter pouring your heart out.....

I don't know, I know I would be loathe to give up, but whether that is the right
thing to do I dont know. I suspect that it will make you ill eventually so only you know how far you can go with it. Take care.

Thank you Poet.... it made me ill over Christmas, and i almost ended back on the anti depressants ( i had bad post natal depression, and it felt worse than that) but with help from my OH I stumbled my way through it...
Although I say it, I doubt I'll ever give up... it's not in my nature, and I doubt any mum could.:(

Minxz

paddy's_mum wrote: »

Minxz - you must try to find a way to shut him out of your every thought and deed. As Sagaris has already said, how many rejections can one person take? You can do no more all the time he is so utterly determined that you are the evil one and he is is such a fine example of walking perfection.

You're right... I need to put it in a box somewhere... I've managed to do it for the last couple of months, but I guess i hoped he'd had time to think and be rational by now..

paddy's_mum wrote: »

He may never come round and that is the tragedy of this sad situation but you achieve absolutely nothing by still (as he probably sees it) 'nagging' him with texts and notes whenever you see a chink in his armour. What do you believe that you are achieving?

Its the only think I can think of to do.. I can't turn up at his home, i can't phone, he won't read letters..

paddy's_mum wrote: »

Look out for your other child/ren and most of all, look after yourself. Constantly being knocked down by this ungrateful little whelp will eventually make you physically and emotionally ill and here's the big question ... what will it all have been for?

Good point... it woild take a very long time to mend this, even if he did speak to me tomorrow... and who's to say he wouldn't do it again if he didn't get his own way? His dad walked away from us when he was 7, never saw him again apart to get divorced... and now he's walked away from the only parent he has... must be a family trait.

paddy's_mum wrote: »

I do sympathise, truly, but I also feel that the only recourse you have with a person of nasty temperament is to keep out of the reach of his or her spiteful nipping. Good luck.

Thank you... xxx

Gigglepig

"I got a looong text back, basically rtelling me he was 'disgusted' by me, as he thinks I did my best to f up his life .. I really don't get that- the spoilt thing got everything he asked for, I had to put up with all his anger & violence towards family, and stood by him even when he went to court.
Then he said I ' added nothing to his life now'... which made me question, was I only in his life till he could stand on hsi own 2 feet, and then disposed of like an old tissue?!"

This must be very hard for you. However, I would also reflect on what your son is telling you.

You mention giving him money and practical help - I would play the devil's advocate and ask what but other "baggage" he brought with him from home - such as self-esteem, confidence etc - all of those non-material things? Also, if he had/has a lot of anger in him, it may come from pain.

Has he given you any specific examples of the negative impact he says you have had on his life? For example, does he blame you for "driving away" his dad?
If he is "disgusted" with you, why is that? Do you know what he finds disgusting, any particular personality traits, personal choices, lifestyle etc. he disagrees with?

If he has given specific examples it may be good to reflect on these (and possibly get input from an impartial third party such as a counsellor) - I am not trying to defend his behaviour in any way, but if you try to find out more about his thought process it will help you understand why he now rejects you. If he does point to something you did/do that he is angry about. Parenting isn't easy and most people dislike some aspect of their parents' parenting approach or personality traits, even when their parents have done their best.

If you don't know why he is disgusted with you or why he thinks you have messed up his life, I would firstly think hard about it and secondly tell him you are sorry to hear that he thinks this, and ask if he can explain it to you and give you some examples. I would try to set up a family counselling session with your son (via other relatives/grandparents) so you can get some help to talk to each other.

beginningtohatexmas

sorry had to reply to gigglepigs post -
I think asking him to explain his 'disgust' etc is probably the worst thing you can do. its about control and giving him the opportunity to twist the knife further will make the OP feel much worse.
he is an adult - his mum did what she though was the best thing by him at the time - none of us are perfect parents, but neither can we change our mistakes - or solve them through a 'sudo' therapy session chaired by other family members

I'm in similar situation to the OP - haven't spoken to my DS since sept last year - the last texts i had from him were similar to the texts OP recieved from her son. yes i hope one day he will grow up to realise he is the fool for rejecting his family, however,on a day to day basis once i realised how much more pleasent my house is without the constant worry of his behaviour, it became much easier to deal with.

Jojo_the_Tightfisted

A lot of alcoholics and/or drug addicts are like this...they demonise people in order to justify their behaviours. 'I'm like this because my parents were too strict/didn't care/smothered me/left me to make mistakes/gave me everything/gave me nothing...blah blah blah' It absolves them of their responsibility for their decisions and puts obstacles in the way of getting better.

when they have rare moments of clarity, they may slip and let the parent know how they really feel, but all too soon, the abusive user is back, turning on the ones who have cared for them most, as they haven't been able to provide money. A previous history of drinking himself into hospital makes it more likely that he has now gone onto the partly legal trail of oblivion. The law is obviously less than important to him as well, as he was prepared to break the law when underage, so drugs are possible for that reason as well.

If I were a betting person, I would be prepared to put money on him asking for money because he either a) owed shedloads for spliff/Es/Colombian marching powder and wash s**tting a brick because he had these debts to settle before an enforcer bashed on the door or b) has spent every penny on beer/spliff/Es/Marching powder/Fags/Nasty cheap vodka and was beginning to shake, sweat and see flashing lights, so was desperate to get cash to stop withdrawal.

The grandparents are daft enough to fall for the 'I'm just tired/Mum is mean to me' as they are unlikely to link the adorable 3 old they see when they look at him with the aggressive drunk or pinned eye junkie putting on his best behaviour to wheedle the odd £40 to £80 out of them. I'd also be interested to know whether they have checked their valuables recently or whether they have disappeared without warning after his visits.

If he is an addict, then he will tear you, his sister, his brother, your parents, his girlfriends, everyone into little pieces just so long as he gets to make it all about poor little him. He will be charm itself to the more gullible family members who are prepared to overlook the most obvious things because they value seeing a half dead junkie zombie above all else. At the moment, you are the only one smart enough to stand firm and he doesn't like that one bit.

I am sorry but there is nothing you can do to help - if he is an addicted knobhead, then nothing will stop that until he decides that it isn't what he wants to do anymore.

blue_monkey_2

I think Jojo has hit the nail on the head. It's like living with a drinker - the times when he is sober he is lovely and aksing over you, when he is drunk he is saying all of these things. How do you know whether he was sober when you sent the message.

Funny how the 'bad time at uni' co-incided with the lack of funds from you, isn't it?

Of course he is disgusted, you've stopped giving him money. I would NOT be giving him the graduation present as he does not deserve it. It's not just about changing his behaviour, it's about treating others around him with respect too. And he is not doing that. And he might well have been a 'chavvy hoody boy ' who drank, was abusive, and didnt study' but how do you know he is not like that again? You've not seen him, grandparents will have only seen him when he is 'clean' as he has impressions to maintain.

We have all told you this, it IS going to be hard but the more you throw yourself at him the harder is is going to be. You should send one final text saying 'if you need me for anything, you know where I am, look after youself'. and leave it there. Make sure he knows he can come you if he is in trouble.

He needs to make his own way now without your help. You need to wait until he is ready to come back to you. Yes it will be hard BUT - you have the luxury other mothers do not - other children, and a young one that needs your helps. It's time to move on Minx, not forget about him, but let him find his own way in life. You have done your best to bring him up into a nice young man, it is now up to him to make his choices in life. You are not alone in this, other mums have been in your exact situation and they are all telling you the same thing, it's time to move on, not forget, but move on and get on with your life. It will be hard but it will be possible as you have other children who need your attention.

And, do NOT invite him to that party so he can spoil the night!!

Minxz

Jojo_the_Tightfisted wrote: »

A lot of alcoholics and/or drug addicts are like this...they demonise people in order to justify their behaviours. 'I'm like this because my parents were too strict/didn't care/smothered me/left me to make mistakes/gave me everything/gave me nothing...blah blah blah' It absolves them of their responsibility for their decisions and puts obstacles in the way of getting better.

when they have rare moments of clarity, they may slip and let the parent know how they really feel, but all too soon, the abusive user is back, turning on the ones who have cared for them most, as they haven't been able to provide money. A previous history of drinking himself into hospital makes it more likely that he has now gone onto the partly legal trail of oblivion. The law is obviously less than important to him as well, as he was prepared to break the law when underage, so drugs are possible for that reason as well.

If I were a betting person, I would be prepared to put money on him asking for money because he either a) owed shedloads for spliff/Es/Colombian marching powder and wash s**tting a brick because he had these debts to settle before an enforcer bashed on the door or b) has spent every penny on beer/spliff/Es/Marching powder/Fags/Nasty cheap vodka and was beginning to shake, sweat and see flashing lights, so was desperate to get cash to stop withdrawal.

The grandparents are daft enough to fall for the 'I'm just tired/Mum is mean to me' as they are unlikely to link the adorable 3 old they see when they look at him with the aggressive drunk or pinned eye junkie putting on his best behaviour to wheedle the odd £40 to £80 out of them. I'd also be interested to know whether they have checked their valuables recently or whether they have disappeared without warning after his visits.

If he is an addict, then he will tear you, his sister, his brother, your parents, his girlfriends, everyone into little pieces just so long as he gets to make it all about poor little him. He will be charm itself to the more gullible family members who are prepared to overlook the most obvious things because they value seeing a half dead junkie zombie above all else. At the moment, you are the only one smart enough to stand firm and he doesn't like that one bit.

I am sorry but there is nothing you can do to help - if he is an addicted knobhead, then nothing will stop that until he decides that it isn't what he wants to do anymore.

He's not on drugs or an alcoholic.. I don't have my head in the clouds where he's concerned, but I do know that.
To be honest, it'd be easier to explain his behaviour if he was.