Estranged Son- made for an upsetting Christmas.

blue_monkey_2

Minxz, I think you are doing really well and well done for spending the money on yourself. Do not feel guilty he had his chance to take them.

Your mum is pathetic. Do you need her in your life right now? If not then I suggest you put the phone down on her or if she calls do not answer as she is being extremely insensetive and selfish over this, calling up and rubbing your nose in it 'your son is talking to me and not you and he is soooo grown up'. I wish I could come and slap her for you.

What is it with mothers? My friends mother is like this too. First off, can you tell her something without her interupting? If not, tell her in a letter - and sent it. It feels good to know that you can get your say without her interupting. And you are her daughter and she is rubbing your nose in the fact your son is not speaking to you - what a cow!! IMO!! They all deserve each other IMO and yes, it is hard right now but he is not your only child and you will get over this, concentrate on the others that want and need your time. Your heart will heal and you can move on from this.

Is there some bubbling jealousy going on in regard to the very young son you have. Have you been giving him extra time or money for things, paying for trips and the like? Maybe he thinks another sibling is getting more than him. It does not matter because it is your money and your youngest needs your support more than he does as he is an adult, but it could be a reason. Did he have a room in your house that has now gone? Something minor that to him, was probably huge. It could even be the girlfriend putting stuff into his head. or he could just be a selfish pillock!! Maybe you'll never know.

We had this discussion by PM. Please do not keep anything wrapped and do not give it to him. He will come back thinking he will be getting things and then possibly go off again, feeling smug, that he could still get stuff from you and then not talk to you again. You'll then be left feeling hurt, rejected and annoyed with yourself for thinking he felt something for you. it's not worth the heartache. Don't give them to him. He had his chance to take them for Xmas. He, like anyone else would have to, needs to EARN those gifts by showing you the love and appreciation you deserve over time, not by waltzing in, being nice for a day and then going off again. Remember what I told you on PM. Do not fall into the same trap.

As for the party. I assume YOUR (or some of your) money is paying for it it - well, you will NOT be staying away from your own sons 21st party because elder son is being a spoilt and selfish brat - in any circumstances. If your elder son has issue with it you can tell him that if he is not going to be pleasant to you then he is NOT welcome there. Same with your parents IMO. YOUR family do not need people like that and if they do not come it will be THEIR loss, not your son's whose birthday it is. Do you really want them spoling the atmosphere? No, I wouldn't either. And if he comes and it does kick off do not retaliate, walk away and let the rest of the family see what an ar se and how pathetic he is being. You CAN do this hon.

Respect is something that needs to be earnt by everyone including family, not just given because you are blood. And he needs to earn this respect from you once again and it might teach him a value life lesson. He is being a selfish, spoilt brat. And as for your mother. I think YOU should cut HER off (even just for a short while) so she can know how it bloody feels!!! Go on, when she next calls tell her to 'f off' and put the phone down and see how she likes it. I know I would be if it was me, sorry. And then when she says something you can say 'do you understand how it feels now?'. Maybe food for thought.

rozmister

Stephb1986 wrote: »

My brother sounds alot like your son apart from my brother is 27, he thinks that the world owes him a living and that my mum and step dad should just give him every penny they earn. He is ungreatful and causes nothing but arguments between us all he loves it. We've tried time and time again to sort him out get him out of debt for him to get himself in debt again a few months later.

I'm in the same boat (but my brother is 33). Like you I find the best thing to do is to let him run his course and stay out of the way. It's so frustrating but I don't get involved even when I want to shake him and scream "Look at yourself, you're a child!!!".

With your son I think the best thing you can do is leave him be. He needs to learn to stand on his own two feet and understand the value of money and not having you to support him may make him do that. Once he has had a while to get over it and think about it in depth he may well react in a much more mature caring way. I was a bit of a hellraiser when I first left home (My poor Mum with the kids she's got!) and barely spoke to my Mum but now we have a loving healthy relationship. She'll never be my best friend but after having some space and time and working for my own money I realised my behaviour was unacceptable and she was doing her best. Now I never take extra money off my Mum unless she offers me it and I like it that way.

MrsRogers

blue_monkey wrote: »

Minxz, I think you are doing really well and well done for spending the money on yourself. Do not feel guilty he had his chance to take them.

Your mum is pathetic. Do you need her in your life right now? If not then I suggest you put the phone down on her or if she calls do not answer as she is being extremely insensetive and selfish over this, calling up and rubbing your nose in it 'your son is talking to me and not you and he is soooo grown up'. I wish I could come and slap her for you.

What is it with mothers? My friends mother is like this too. First off, can you tell her something without her interupting? If not, tell her in a letter - and sent it. It feels good to know that you can get your say without her interupting. And you are her daughter and she is rubbing your nose in the fact your son is not speaking to you - what a cow!! IMO!! They all deserve each other IMO and yes, it is hard right now but he is not your only child and you will get over this, concentrate on the others that want and need your time. Your heart will heal and you can move on from this.

Is there some bubbling jealousy going on in regard to the very young son you have. Have you been giving him extra time or money for things, paying for trips and the like? Maybe he thinks another sibling is getting more than him. It does not matter because it is your money and your youngest needs your support more than he does as he is an adult, but it could be a reason. Did he have a room in your house that has now gone? Something minor that to him, was probably huge. It could even be the girlfriend putting stuff into his head. or he could just be a selfish pillock!! Maybe you'll never know.

We had this discussion by PM. Please do not keep anything wrapped and do not give it to him. He will come back thinking he will be getting things and then possibly go off again, feeling smug, that he could still get stuff from you and then not talk to you again. You'll then be left feeling hurt, rejected and annoyed with yourself for thinking he felt something for you. it's not worth the heartache. Don't give them to him. He had his chance to take them for Xmas. He, like anyone else would have to, needs to EARN those gifts by showing you the love and appreciation you deserve over time, not by waltzing in, being nice for a day and then going off again. Remember what I told you on PM. Do not fall into the same trap.

As for the party. I assume YOUR (or some of your) money is paying for it it - well, you will NOT be staying away from your own sons 21st party because elder son is being a spoilt and selfish brat - in any circumstances. If your elder son has issue with it you can tell him that if he is not going to be pleasant to you then he is NOT welcome there. Same with your parents IMO. YOUR family do not need people like that and if they do not come it will be THEIR loss, not your son's whose birthday it is. Do you really want them spoling the atmosphere? No, I wouldn't either. And if he comes and it does kick off do not retaliate, walk away and let the rest of the family see what an ar se and how pathetic he is being. You CAN do this hon.

Respect is something that needs to be earnt by everyone including family, not just given because you are blood. And he needs to earn this respect from you once again and it might teach him a value life lesson. He is being a selfish, spoilt brat. And as for your mother. I think YOU should cut HER off (even just for a short while) so she can know how it bloody feels!!! Go on, when she next calls tell her to 'f off' and put the phone down and see how she likes it. I know I would be if it was me, sorry. And then when she says something you can say 'do you understand how it feels now?'. Maybe food for thought.

Personally I dont think taking your anger or frustration out on your mum is the answer. Regardless how annoyed you are with your son at least via your mum you know he is safe and well (although behaving dreadfully).
Cutting your mum out of your life would :
1) Make your behavior as bad as your sons!
2) Give you no piece of mind he is alive and ok.
3) Cause more pain for you and your other children. It hard have a rift with one but with others as well. It would tear you all apart further.

I wouldn't try and over analyse the why's and wherefores. Its completely counter productive and by doing this you are causing yourself more pain. You can ask these questions directly to your son when you are back on speaking terms and you will one day.

I think you did the right thing re the gifts. If they were not wanted return them and us the money for something else. They are material goods at the end of the day. See them for what they are.

The party: This is your other sons 21st. You absolutely have to be there no questions asked. Ask your son (whos birthday it is) what he wants to do re his brother. Whether he wants to invite him or not. (Its his birthday at the end of the day). I would make it clear though that if the estranged son comes there is to be no atmosphere as its not the time or the place. Equally I dont think its right cutting your sons grandparents out of their grandsons 21st... Im assuming your son has no issues with his grandparents.. why should he miss out??

All the best in dealing with this. Personally I would focus on the children you do have around. Id imagine its tearing them apart seeing what their brother is doing to you. Focus on them and as other posters have said keep the door ajar if your son wants to come home and talk.

Dont beat your parents up.. they are stuck in the middle and trying to hold the family together by a thread.. at least you know he is ok.. that in its self as a mother has to give you some peace. Maybe ask them to keep the detail as its to painful but just let you know that he has been in touch.

x

red_devil

im in the same boat although ive not posted about separately. I have a son who dosent seem to want to know me and has distanced himself no reason i can think of.

it hurts, he is my only son but im determined not to let it get me down if i can help it. I have a lovely partner and i just concentrate on my lifee with him. Its not the way i want it or the way i thought it would turn out. I have lots of love to give my son and always have but he dosent seem into me thats the way it is at the moment. I dont want him to bring me down though.

Minxz

Small update-
Its a few months on, and I stopped texting him after Christmas, it was too painful, and i got the impression from other family members that he was starting to 'soften'..as he was asking how i was etc.
then i heard he'd had a bad couple of weeks at Uni, so like a mug I decided to text him, just said sorry to hear what's happened, and I'd like to ring him.
I got a looong text back, basically rtelling me he was 'disgusted' by me, as he thinks I did my best to f up his life .. I really don't get that- the spoilt thing got everything he asked for, I had to put up with all his anger & violence towards family, and stood by him even when he went to court.
Then he said I ' added nothing to his life now'... which made me question, was I only in his life till he could stand on hsi own 2 feet, and then disposed of like an old tissue?!

He's made it clear that he wants nothing to do with me... and I am finding it hard all over again. I feel almost a physical pain, I can't cope with the thought of losing him forever..despite what he has behaved like in the past. It's my other son's 21st birthday soon, we always take the whole family out for dinner, yet this time his elder brother won't come because of me. Plus it's made me think of that son's 21st.. he had a party, and we have some lovely photos of me & him together.
It's Mother's day soon... and sentimental things like that matter to me, and this year I have 'lost' a son.
I sent him a reply asking him to think about what he will do.. does this mean he'll never sttend weddings, funeral,s meet new babies in the family, attend his brother's graduation?

I saved for the last 3 years for both my boys graduation presents, i had £1,000 to give my son on grad day, along with a holiday booking

Don't know what to do now... as i won't be there.
Breaks my heart to think i did all i could to get him to Uni rather than Borstal, gave him cash/books/laptop etc when he needed it, and I won't get to see the end result, graduation.

Kids really kick where it hurts the most don't they.

I realise now he is being very selfish.. but it still hurts.

I've tried contacting him, and I've tried not contacting him... any other ideas anyone, or should I just give up?
:(

Sagaris

Just give up - it's what I've had to do, you can only be rejected so many times.

As long as he knows where to find you, he may come back one day - sorry I've nothing more positive to add as I have a similar situation with my own 2 children.

Minxz

Sagaris wrote: »

Just give up - it's what I've had to do, you can only be rejected so many times.

As long as he knows where to find you, he may come back one day - sorry I've nothing more positive to add as I have a similar situation with my own 2 children.

Sorry to hear that Sagaris... how do you deal with it if you don't mid me asking, do you just try to block it out and carry on?
X

Sagaris

Block it out and carry on - it's been almost 3 years now, although I did see them at a family wedding a year ago - got ignored then apart from the eldest shoulder barging me to get away from me!

Lots of my friends and colleagues at work know them, and know how I bought them up single handed from when they were aged 10 and 11 - perhaps I did too much for them and now I have a life again, they resent it - who knows? Everyone says they can't understand why they have behaved in this way - other than 'influence' from their bullying (very rich!) father.

They are obviously happy with the choice they have made so I must respect it - their loss at the end of the day, I have to look forward and not keep beating myself up over it!

Sorry to hijack the thread, OP.

carpedieme

chin up op, concentrate on the others and get on with your life its his loss:D

paddy's_mum

Minxz - you must try to find a way to shut him out of your every thought and deed. As Sagaris has already said, how many rejections can one person take? You can do no more all the time he is so utterly determined that you are the evil one and he is is such a fine example of walking perfection.

He may never come round and that is the tragedy of this sad situation but you achieve absolutely nothing by still (as he probably sees it) 'nagging' him with texts and notes whenever you see a chink in his armour. What do you believe that you are achieving?

I know it's hard. I know that being his Mum makes you desperate to protect him from himself and prove your love by your kind heartedness but continuing to put yourself up as his whipping boy doesn't do either one of you any good whatever. Leave him to it since you cannot alter it!

Look out for your other child/ren and most of all, look after yourself. Constantly being knocked down by this ungrateful little whelp will eventually make you physically and emotionally ill and here's the big question ... what will it all have been for?

I do sympathise, truly, but I also feel that the only recourse you have with a person of nasty temperament is to keep out of the reach of his or her spiteful nipping. Good luck.