Estranged Son- made for an upsetting Christmas.

Minxz

red_devil wrote: »

dont do anything at the moment. Get on with your life. He will regret if if suddenly you arent here anymore but thats his problem to deal with.

I have problems with my own son at the moment. I know how you feel. Sick to death of family in general but enjoy life with my partner who is lovely.

Sorry to hear that... but support from partners helps hugely... mine has been amazing, and very understanding, as i'm probbaly not a lot of fun to be around right now!

Fang_3

Jojo_the_Tightfisted wrote: »

I do, indeed. I can also give you the precise chemical structure of any number of substances, their half lives in the average human body, interactions with other substances, various means and methods of production, distribution and consumption. If it were relevant to you and not just that you haven't quite forgiven me for not being the person you thought I was in an earlier post, I could forward you a number of links to a great deal of research carried out upon these subjects.

And I know what addicts do to their families and friends, including the lengths they will go to in order to appear perfectly reasonable and hard done by.

And how much families will try their hardest not to notice the blindingly obvious.


The alternatives here are:

1. He's an addict. So could, conceivably, get better at some point in the future. But probably won't.

2. He's a user and is entering a psychotic episode. So could get better, sort of, with medical treatment, but will relapse each time he uses afterwards. It's kind of evens there - if he were to stop smoking and comply with psychiatric treatment, there's a good chance he will be a nicer person.

3. He's actually suffering from a schizoid affective disorder. Or some other kind of serious mental illness, unconnected to his previous need for unconsciousness - perhaps it was even a case of self medicating. Diagnosis and treatment would help to manage such a condition. He could be a nicer person as a result, but it's not guaranteed.

4. He's, plain and simple, a nasty person. This cannot and will not change.


Not a pleasant list of alternatives, but what else is there to suggest to the unfortunate OP, who has done all she can to ensure he grows up in a safe, secure home with everything she could give him?

There are quite a few other alternatives that you haven't mentioned. The most likely is that something has gone on that we don't know about (and actually the OP may not know either) which has made him see his mother in a different light. It could be something as simple as the OP making a passing comment to someone else, which has got back to her son, which has then fed into deeper issues within their relationship or from the past.

All children are different and so parenting needs to be tailored towards each child. You could raise two siblings in exactly the same way and get two completely different outcomes. The OP has had serious problems with her son, and some quite serious problems (relative to anything else) with her daughter. What's do those two events have in common?

Minxz

Gigglepig wrote: »

It sounds really hard for you.
Hopefully it is just a phase and he will appreciate his family more in the future. Perhaps he is trying to keep up the joneses at uni, and wants to distance himself from having grown up in a council house
Lots of people go through phases in their teens/early twenties when they are embarassed about their parents and/or really do not want to become like their parents, but many eventually grow up and see things in a different light and start to appreciate everything their parents have done for them once they get more life experience.

Thank you Gigglepig,

He's always wanted to be like the 'joneses'.. but he feels right now that I have destroyed his life, and he said that if i asked why then there is no point if i don't know.
Thing is, I dont.
I was reading up on child estrangement yesterday, and was amazed at how many do it.. a 'product of todays get what i want now' generation I think it said..
and it said that kids from happy secure homes did it too... so not just those who've really suffered.

Fang_3

Minxz wrote: »

Sorry to hear that... but support from partners helps hugely... mine has been amazing, and very understanding, as i'm probbaly not a lot of fun to be around right now!

Could your partner have something to do with the issues with your children?

Minxz

Fang wrote: »

There are quite a few other alternatives that you haven't mentioned. The most likely is that something has gone on that we don't know about (and actually the OP may not know either) which has made him see his mother in a different light. It could be something as simple as the OP making a passing comment to someone else, which has got back to her son, which has then fed into deeper issues within their relationship or from the past.

All children are different and so parenting needs to be tailored towards each child. You could raise two siblings in exactly the same way and get two completely different outcomes. The OP has had serious problems with her son, and some quite serious problems (relative to anything else) with her daughter. What's do those two events have in common?

You're right- my other son, also away at a different uni is caring and thoughtful towards me, and travels back ( much further) every 6 weeks or so to visit.
They both had same upbringing, if anything he had it harder, as his big brother was always hitting him, attacking him, and I'd often have to drag him off. It wasn't easy for him at all, the elder one constantly put him down, and moicked him.. yet he is actually doing really well .
Plus all the elder son's behavious meant I didnt have as much time for the younger son, as i was always trying to sort out what was wrong with the other one.

As for my daughter... her problem s are not the same at all.. she met a by who has turned her head... so much so it's like a deranged Romeo & Juliet saga... he has bad history, which meant I wasn't happy about her seeing him. therefore she decided to try and run off with him. She's setling down now.. but still sees him.
I can't forbid her, so we just don't talk about him much.. I'm not going to lose another child all because of her boyfriend.
On the few times they've broken up she's reverted back to being my happy girl... so hopefully one day she'll get fed up of him!

Not simialr stories at all, as my ES also used to bully her... it was awful, and the moment he left for Uni she was happier.
So... the children that haven't walked away from me are the ones ES bullied....

Minxz

Fang wrote: »

Could your partner have something to do with the issues with your children?

I doubt it.. we've been together 7 years now, and if anything he's the one who's helped make it possible for them to get to Uni, and also helped us move to a better area.
Plus, when Es was in the area over christmas and came to the door to speak to his sister, he spoke to my partner and they had a chat.

His probalems started way before we met.. to be honest I'm amazed he's stuck through it all.

Minxz

poppy10 wrote: »

To be honest he sounds like a spoilt brat. But you do have to take some responsibility for this yourself, hard as this may be. Even when he was at his worst, a drunk abusive chav in your own words, you were still praising him and throwing money at him. Even now, after everything that has happened, you were still planning on giving him a grand and sending him on a free holiday. No wonder he has such a sense of entitlement, he must think the world revolves around him, that's the message you've always sent him.

Did you ever try disciplining him?

I didn't praise him when he was like that, I told him once that i was ashamed of him, and that subdued him for a few days. I did however tell him I loved him but not his actions...which isn't praise.

I didn't throw money at him, i was a single mum, not a lot to throw!
He didn't get everything he wanted, he'd provbably tell you he was destitute etc... but he had what other kids had, holidays ( uk camping ones though), computer games for xmas, that sort of thing. But when he was really bad I used to deduct amounts from his birthday allowance, and when he was 18, he really wanted a years gym membership... but things hit a point then, so I didn't give it to him.


So now, the ones who deserve it get it. I have booked a nightclub birthday party for my second son today, as i feel after so many years putting up with everything eh fully deserves it, as ES will get nothing.

Jojo_the_Tightfisted

Minxz wrote: »

I didn't praise him when he was like that, I told him once that i was ashamed of him, and that subdued him for a few days. I did however tell him I loved him but not his actions...which isn't praise.

I didn't throw money at him, i was a single mum, not a lot to throw!
He didn't get everything he wanted, he'd provbably tell you he was destitute etc... but he had what other kids had, holidays ( uk camping ones though), computer games for xmas, that sort of thing. But when he was really bad I used to deduct amounts from his birthday allowance, and when he was 18, he really wanted a years gym membership... but things hit a point then, so I didn't give it to him.


So now, the ones who deserve it get it. I have booked a nightclub birthday party for my second son today, as i feel after so many years putting up with everything eh fully deserves it, as ES will get nothing.

Doesn't sound like you did anything wrong. Sounds more like to did everything right and it still wasn't enough for him.

Sorry if I upset you.

Enjoy your family and your lovely son's party as you have brought him up well.

Minxz

poppy10 wrote: »

Did you ever try disciplining him?

yes

taking away his phone, grounding him, whwre he'd just walk out... banning friends from the house, taking his house key, stipping any money, and when he attacked his brother i took him to live with relatives for a couple of week for him to cool down and so his siblings could recover. That felt bad, it really did... but like I told him, I'm a mum to all of them, I can't just think of one.

Most the time it was v hard to discipline him, he was over 6ft tall and practiced weights, and used to shout expletives right into my face, so he intimidated me sometimes:(

Minxz

Jojo_the_Tightfisted wrote: »

Doesn't sound like you did anything wrong. Sounds more like to did everything right and it still wasn't enough for him.

Sorry if I upset you.

Enjoy your family and your lovely son's party as you have brought him up well.

No, you haven't upset me.. today I'm feeling a bit brighter, so it's fine.. it's the sort of thing I'd ask, and keep asking myself anyway !

I'm focussing on my other son's 21st in a few weeks, and thats keeping me occupied and something to look forward to.