Estranged Son- made for an upsetting Christmas.

Padstow

Jojo_the_Tightfisted wrote: »

I do, indeed. I can also give you the precise chemical structure of any number of substances, their half lives in the average human body, interactions with other substances, various means and methods of production, distribution and consumption. If it were relevant to you and not just that you haven't quite forgiven me for not being the person you thought I was in an earlier post, I could forward you a number of links to a great deal of research carried out upon these subjects.

And I know what addicts do to their families and friends, including the lengths they will go to in order to appear perfectly reasonable and hard done by.

And how much families will try their hardest not to notice the blindingly obvious.


The alternatives here are:

1. He's an addict. So could, conceivably, get better at some point in the future. But probably won't.

2. He's a user and is entering a psychotic episode. So could get better, sort of, with medical treatment, but will relapse each time he uses afterwards. It's kind of evens there - if he were to stop smoking and comply with psychiatric treatment, there's a good chance he will be a nicer person.

3. He's actually suffering from a schizoid affective disorder. Or some other kind of serious mental illness, unconnected to his previous need for unconsciousness - perhaps it was even a case of self medicating. Diagnosis and treatment would help to manage such a condition. He could be a nicer person as a result, but it's not guaranteed.

4. He's, plain and simple, a nasty person. This cannot and will not change.


Not a pleasant list of alternatives, but what else is there to suggest to the unfortunate OP, who has done all she can to ensure he grows up in a safe, secure home with everything she could give him?

Good grief, what a jaundiced view you hold.

Jojo_the_Tightfisted

Padstow wrote: »

Good grief, what a jaundiced view you hold.

Years of working in the field does that to you.

I'm still not Aliasojo (the person who reported one of your posts) though..... :cool:

Minxz

Thank you for all the replies, I took comfort in spending the afternoon in a nightclub booking my other son's 12st.. made me feel old:o

poppy10_2

Minxz wrote: »

I didn't praise him when he was like that, I told him once that i was ashamed of him, and that subdued him for a few days....
when he was really bad I used to deduct amounts from his birthday allowance, and when he was 18, he really wanted a years gym membership... but things hit a point then, so I didn't give it to him.

Hmm. With discipline like that, the rest of the story really isn't that surprising.

motherofstudents

I really do feel desperately sorry for you. My son is 22 and left home suddenly a few months ago. We are not estranged but I don't see much of him and it is a kind of physical pain. I think young adults have to find their own way and as many people have said, they won't realise until they have their own children. You have tried your best and couldn't have done any more so I hope things improve for you. I'm sure one day he will contact you but in the meantime I hope you enjoy your other son's party. You are so lucky to have the little 4 year old to look after so concentrate on the rest of your family and especially yourself. It can make you ill, I know it has with me. I would never suggest you forget him or cut him off but as long as he knows you will always be there for him there is not much more you can do. I hope things get better for you.

thorsoak

Minxz - from what you have written, it seems as if your no 1 son sees things from only one point of view - his own This has meant heartbreak for the rest of the family, you especially.

I think that one of the trouble with mothers is that we fail to recognise that with the delivery of the umbilical cord we also get another delivery ...maternal guilt! Whatever happens it has to be Our Fault - whether we discipline enough/not enough, show enough/too much love, are/are not critical, etc etc etc.

All we can do is love each and every child - even though we may hate what they are doing - "love the sinner, not the sin" as I've read somewhere. And then we have to practice Tough Love - as you have done. Hopefully, in the end the relationship heals - but isn't it difficult, trying to be patient!

It seems to have taken an eternity to feel that I have a really rounded relationship with all my 4 children - there always seems to have been someone slightly out of kilter with the rest - and sadly its taken the death of my OH for each and every one of them to realise just how much they mean to each other - and no-one lives close enough to another - separated by countries, let alone counties - just as are my brothers & sisters and I. It's not physical distance that mars relationships though.

I do hope that eventually, your family comes together. In the meantime, enjoy the family you do have close.
x

Minxz

poppy10 wrote: »

Hmm. With discipline like that, the rest of the story really isn't that surprising.

really?!
he asked for a years membership... I gave him 6 months.
He was in court for gbh at the time.. what would you have done? Earlier i was accused of spoiling him, so i can't really win can i?!:think:

You try disciplining a overpowering 6 foot lad... I used to be pushed about, so no, after episodes like that he would get less than he'd asked for, and even then some people used to say he was very lucky!

poet123

Minxz wrote: »

really?!
he asked for a years membership... I gave him 6 months.
He was in court for gbh at the time.. what would you have done? Earlier i was accused of spoiling him, so i can't really win can i?!:think:

You try disciplining a overpowering 6 foot lad... I used to be pushed about, so no, after episodes like that he would get less than he'd asked for, and even then some people used to say he was very lucky!

I *think* she was being sarcastic:o and implying that you should not have given him anything.

poppy10_2

Minxz wrote: »

he asked for a years membership... I gave him 6 months.
He was in court for gbh at the time.. what would you have done?

I would have NOT bought him a 6 month gym membership. Or a 3 month membership. Or any gym membership at all. He was in court for GBH for god's sake, why were you giving him a reward?

You rewarded him when he was drinking
You rewarded him when he was truanting from school
You rewarded him he was beating other people up
You are still planning to reward him with a thousand pounds and a free holiday, even after everything he has said and done to you recently.

Can you honestly not see the link here?

He might be physically bigger than you. Nobody is saying you should be smacking his bottom. But if you really think buying him a 6 month gym membership instead of a 12 month membership constitutes an appropriate form of reprimand for him inflicting grievous bodily harm on some other poor mother's son, then you really have your priorities skewed.

Minxz

poppy10 wrote: »

I would have NOT bought him a 6 month gym membership. Or a 3 month membership. Or any gym membership at all. He was in court for GBH for god's sake, why were you giving him a reward?

it wasn't a reward.. it was his 18th, so I spent half of what was in the birthday savings, instead of all, and spent the rest on the others.

poppy10 wrote: »

You rewarded him when he was drinking

Did I? How exactly? Did you spot me running to the shops to stock him up on vodka?!
No.

poppy10 wrote: »

You rewarded him when he was truanting from school

Wrong again.
he didn't truant from school.

poppy10 wrote: »

You rewarded him he was beating other people up

really? How did I reward him? I hardly took him to one side the next day and said Well done Son, have a night out on me!

poppy10 wrote: »

You are still planning to reward him with a thousand pounds and a free holiday, even after everything he has said and done to you recently.

Wrong again. I was going to give him the money, which was to have a holiday after 3 years working hard at Uni and turning himself around from that teen I used to know, to the grade 1 student he became. that IS worth a reward.. and i have done the same for the others.. I am NOT giving him any of it after what he's done to me & the family.. no. I'm not even invited to his graduation, so why would i send him money..

poppy10 wrote: »

He might be physically bigger than you. Nobody is saying you should be smacking his bottom. But if you really think buying him a 6 month gym membership instead of a 12 month membership constitutes an appropriate form of reprimand for him inflicting grievous bodily harm on some other poor mother's son, then you really have your priorities skewed.

You seem intent on twisting my words, and making me out to be some god awful mother who did everything wrong. yes, we make mistakes, how many kids do you have ( probably none).. and how often have you got it wrong? Never?
I didn't 'reward' him for hitting someone, I was ashamed of him, and like I said before I told him that.
One minute you're saying I spoilt him, the next that I was too hard... you are obviously just trying to make what is a really hurtful, sad situation worse by being judgemental and bullish.
If I went around rewarding him all the time like that, and dangled 1 k in front of him he wouldn't have walked away would he... as the reason he cut me off in the first place was because I did NOT give him money on the day he asked for it.
Other people here can see how they would feel, and tried to help.. you on the other hand seem to just enjoy making me feel like !!!!.