Estranged Son- made for an upsetting Christmas.

Minxz

I wonder if anyone has any advice, or has been through this before? Please be gentle, I'm in a bit of a state tbh.

I have a 22 year old son away at Uni- it took a lot to get him there, he used to be the sort who'd you would find on a street corner, drinking till he was in hospital, getting violent and angry at home with me & his siblings, and I use to have to drag him out of police stations at 3 am many times.. but that all changed, with tonnes of encouragement he finished college with pretty good results, and started Uni. To get him off to a good start I saved like mad, and got him the laptop, Fresher week passes, food, essentials, some towards rent etc.. and as my other son was starting Uni the same year it cost a bomb! But i was so proud he'd got himse;lf there, I did the proud mum thing every time we chatted on the phone and he told me about his essys.

We still had the odd argument, usually when he asked for money which i didn't have, but I've always tried to help as much as I could ( i was a single mum for most of the time he was small, so he's not got a well off family behind him like he wishes!) but things are usually smothed over- untill late October.
He texted me asking for money, saying he was desperate, so i got worried and asked what had happened, thinking a huge bill had arrived that had thrown him. I got a reply telling me not to quiz him, and no, he hadn't frittered away his money ( he's very much into brand names etc.. but I hadn't even asked this anyway) so I replied please don't swear etc, I was worried about him, and concerned, and if you ask for money then please be nice to the person you're asking!
Obviously it went down very well, as he then messaged me and told me to F off, never to contact him, and he was cutting all contact.
That hurt a lot, I spoke to my parents who rang him the next day, and he says he felt I didn't trust him.
So, for the last few months he visits them, rings them, and I text him once a week on a sunday to let him know I am thinking of him,yet he never replies. I have to hear how he's doing from my parents, and Ive asked them to talk to him, but I feel they are treating him softly, as they aren't tlking to him frankly in case they upset him.

I wrote him a letter for him to read at mumns before Xmas, but he never read it. It says that whatever's happened in the past lets just leave it, as all i want is to see him and hug him tight. Last night I discovered he's refused the presents I bought him... I gave them to my mum as I wouldn't dream of leaving him out- but he doesn't want them. That felt like a kick in the face.

I don't know what to do- my dad who is usually pretty strong and vocal is very ill, so he doesn't say anything when son visits them now, my mum rings me and says ' isnt it nice, *he* came to visit us today etc etc..'.. while I wait every day for contact.
It's breaking my heart, I am not dealing with it very well, I feel like I am about to crack, and cannot stop crying. he will graduate ythis year- and I won't be there.
I have 3 other children, and my other son returned from Uni this week with a huge hug for me and an amazing christmas gift, which actually made me cry too! I am lucky the others are kind, and loving- but they all had the same upbringing so I don't know where I went wrong with the eldest.

It's cast a black shadow over christmas, and don't know what else to do.
I thought of turning up when i know he's visiting my parents, but they are afraid that if I do that then he'll never visit them again as I will ' push him further away'.

Ironically I've opened my home this christmas to my daughter's boyfriend, as his mother turned him out the day before xmas eve, and didn't want him at home ( longfamily story, he even lived with his aunt for many years as his mum has some sort of anger issue) so we couldn't see him go to a shelter, so he came here, and will be here till he sorts out somewhere to live.
He wants to see his mums, she's refusing- I want my son, and he's refusing- it's going to cause rifts in the family, and it needs to be 'mended' before it goes on for years.:(

There is loads more I could type but I'm in floods, so if anyone has any ideas, I'd be grateful
Thanks x

DVardysShadow

Don't be desperate.

I once had someone working on my section who was estranged from his mother. In fact the company had told to switchboard to block her calls, long before he joined me. One day she got through and started bending my ear. After this, I discovered that she was not supposed to get through. I told the guy she had rung and although I could not altogether condone his position, I had some sympathy.

For your son, it is hard, but you have to

• let him go
• welcome him if he comes back

There is no quick fix to this - and if you buy his affections, you will always be buying them

paddy's_mum

Stop crying and recognise that you're dealing with a furiously angry, full of hate towards the world spoiled brat who is quite happy to take from everyone who won't stand up to him.

Let him get on with it, and perhaps when his family start giving him the cold shoulder he so richly deserves, he'll learn to put proper value on the matchless blessing of a loving, supportive family.

He is punishing you for daring to ask him to behave as a responsible person and all the time you let it devastate you, you will suffer and he will have his inflated sense of importance bolstered.

In your shoes, I'd be withdrawing any financial or other contribution until his manners improve and if it was within my power, I'd be bludgeoning the grandparents too for their enabling stupidity.

Give thanks for your other loving children and refuse (as a matter of will) to allow this little !"£$% to manipulate you into black unhappiness. If a rift goes on for years, it will be him that creates it and all the tears in the world cannot alter that so don't give yourself permission to go that route.

By the way, he doesn't believe that once uni is over, he's just going to waltz back into your home, does he?

vyvyan_2

* let him go
* welcome him if he comes back

This is good advice.

It must be heartbreaking for you. My son is the same age and I would be devastated if that happened to me. I'm finding it a difficult age. My son graduated 6 months ago and is back at home living with me. He has job and pays his way, but can't afford to live away from home. I know he's only living with me as there are no other choices at the moment. We got on well though and I try to make sure we live separate lives so he's doesn't feel smothered. I try to keep our arrangement like a house-share as we work different days and shifts etc.

They want to exert their independence at that age and rightly so as they are adults.

He will come back one day but it will be when he decides to though. He knows you want him back into the fold and miss him.

<hug>

January20

First you did nothing wrong. You were perfectly within your rights to ask him what the money was for. It could have been for drugs or drinks etc. At 22, he should see you giving him money as a huge favour as he is an adult and should really learn to stand on his own 2 feet.

As the previous poster has said, let him go. Personally, I wouldn't even text him anymore on a Sunday. I wouldn't buy presents anymore as he refuses them (might put the money in an account for him though just in case) and I wouldn't write anymore letter as he didn't read the last one. It sounds like he has a lot of growing up to do and I have the feeling that you being in contact all the time is making matters worse. Make sure he knows your door is always open for him and then concentrate on your other children, your life and your happiness.

I think a lot of people don't realise how much they have hurt their parents until they are parents themselves.

Make-it-3

It's sad that he has reacted so badly to what was a sensible response by you to his request for money. It must be hard to deal with how irrational it is, especially given everything else you have done to help him get his life back on track.

There is an expression about setting someone free and if they come back they are yours for keeps. I too wonder if its now best to let him stand on his own two feet, hard as it is. Stop the texts and withdraw any financial support you still give him. Whilst you can't ask other family members to withdraw contact, if they chose not to, I would be emphasising to them how hurt you are and therefore in order to move on you don't want to know how/when they have contact or how he is doing.

Then all you can hope for is that in time he will come to his senses and return with an apology.

septemberblues

The same thing has happened to me, my son decided a year ago that he had no family (he has schizophrenia) and wanted nothing to do with me. I rang him several times through the year and left messages for him just so he knew I had rung, and sent a couple of letters as well, one including a £30 cheque from his nan.

I have missed having contact with him and on Christmas Eve after I had rung him and got no reply I could hardly sleep through sadness/worry etc.

When I got home from family on Christmas Day I had a look (as always) at who had rung me and his number was there, so I immediately rang back. It tooks me several tries to get through, but when I did we had a good chat and hopefully we will communicate much more than the last year.

I think at some point the OP has to stand back and let her son realise that her life does not revolve around him. Don't ring or txt as frequently as you do, and I think that by doing this it will help you feel better, to be rejected weekly is very upsetting.

Good luck

abby1234519

Stop bothering to text him, when he wants tospeak to you he will...even then don'tgive in!

mountainofdebt

Sounds very much like your son is trying to divide the family loyalties.

I have a cousin who did a similar sort of thing...she went missing and when she reappeared, only certain family members were allowed to know where she lived....if any of the other family members wanted to send gifts / cards, then she had to give them to these family members?

OP, what do you say when you're told that he's been to visit your parents? If it were me, then I would have to say something along the lines of 'pity he couldn't get in contact with his mum' .

Could it be by texting he knows you there dangling on a string, waiting for him to grace you with his presence? I would go along with the suggestion of not texting him - perhaps send him a text on New Years Eve saying that you don't know what has caused the disagreement but your door will always be open to him. Then, as they say, leave the ball is in his court.

Loanranger

Sad though this is for you, he has made his position crystal clear in a very manipulative and cruel way. Some people do this and you cannot change their behaviour until they want to change it themselves.
I agree with everyone else, leave him alone now.
Think of it like this, he is not spending his every moment thinking about you so please stop spending your time thinking of him.
You have a loving family of three other children. Spend your time loving them and enjoying their company.

Janey3

He will know how this is affecting you, and as others have said, concentrate on your other children and friends, and leave him to grow up. You've done all you can for him and put him on the right road and brilliantly too. It's time for him to get to grips with life and become an adult.