Estranged Son- made for an upsetting Christmas.

Stephb1986_2

January20 wrote: »

So, since you seem to have so much wisdom, and experience with raising children into perfect adults, what would be your advice to the OP?

I didn't say I had any experience did I? It just seems to me that the OP's kids are taking her for a ride and being roughly the same age as her son it looks like he's taking the mick, as most young adults can play their parents like a fiddle.

He should be left alone to get on with his little sulk is all I'm saying.

Margaret54

So sorry to hear about what you are going through. I have been there myself as a Mum doing her very best and it is so painful. I would step back and look after youself and your own health now. No one can understand what this pain is like unless they have walked in your shoes. I totally do understand as I walked in them myself. Take care love Margaret xx

January20

Stephb1986 wrote: »

I didn't say I had any experience did I? It just seems to me that the OP's kids are taking her for a ride and being roughly the same age as her son it looks like he's taking the mick, as most young adults can play their parents like a fiddle.

He should be left alone to get on with his little sulk is all I'm saying.

I think she knows that! She didn't need you to point it out.
I fail to understand the point of your other post when it was of no help at all to the poster. Under the guise of "please don't take offence..." you had a gratuitous dig at her.

As another poster as said, until you have walked in her shoes.....

elsien

I just wanted to give another perspective - many years ago while at university, I was the student who cut my family off for a number of months, moved house without giving the forwarding address etc.

There wasn't any one particular reason and there wasn't any major row or bust up, just a combination of factors - immature and selfish (probably), wanting to be independent, finding my relatives overbearing and smothering. I don't think they were any more so than any other parent, that was just how it appeared to me at the time.

Mum started sending me letters and the most appallingly patronising cuttings from the women's magazines that just made me want to run and keep running, which was when I moved and didn't tell them where I'd gone. I just wanted to live my life without interference, and if I got into trouble that was my problem and no-one elses. And although I knew they were upset, at the time I was too self-centred to really appreciate the pain I was causing - it just wasn't on my radar.
I eventually got back in touch when I felt ready to, and the family played it cool which was the best thing they could have done. If they'd have pushed and come over all heavy about how upset they were, I'd have scarpered again.

So to the OP, from where I was at the time, you seem to be doing the right thing in letting your son come round in his own time and own way. However hard it is, your son may really not realise how much it hurts - I didn't, and even if I had, I don't honestly think that I would have behaved any differently.
However we did rebuild things, and many years later, my relationship with my mother in particular is a solid one where we both respect each others boundaries. Chin up, it can all come right in the end.

Minxz

elsien wrote: »

I just wanted to give another perspective - many years ago while at university, I was the student who cut my family off for a number of months, moved house without giving the forwarding address etc.

There wasn't any one particular reason and there wasn't any major row or bust up, just a combination of factors - immature and selfish (probably), wanting to be independent, finding my relatives overbearing and smothering. I don't think they were any more so than any other parent, that was just how it appeared to me at the time.

Mum started sending me letters and the most appallingly patronising cuttings from the women's magazines that just made me want to run and keep running, which was when I moved and didn't tell them where I'd gone. I just wanted to live my life without interference, and if I got into trouble that was my problem and no-one elses. And although I knew they were upset, at the time I was too self-centred to really appreciate the pain I was causing - it just wasn't on my radar.
I eventually got back in touch when I felt ready to, and the family played it cool which was the best thing they could have done. If they'd have pushed and come over all heavy about how upset they were, I'd have scarpered again.

So to the OP, from where I was at the time, you seem to be doing the right thing in letting your son come round in his own time and own way. However hard it is, your son may really not realise how much it hurts - I didn't, and even if I had, I don't honestly think that I would have behaved any differently.
However we did rebuild things, and many years later, my relationship with my mother in particular is a solid one where we both respect each others boundaries. Chin up, it can all come right in the end.

thank you.. it helps to hear from someone who has experienced the other side of this.
Like I've said before, there was no huge row, or big fallout, simply a text message that was obviously taken the wrong way- I have never smothered him, if anything I back off slightly as I know living away at Uni you don't want your mum on the phone every other day!

I am not sending texts, i did however try to send a very short email to explain that my door was open to him, I loved him, and I hope we can speak soon, but I would not be sending any more messages- the ball is in his court now.
Then it bounced back, 3 times from different adresses- so it appears I've been blocked on Hotmail too.:(
Oh well, nothing more i can do but wait hey.
X
P.s. Very glad you have stgrong family relationships now.. that gives me some hope x

Minxz

Margaret54 wrote: »

So sorry to hear about what you are going through. I have been there myself as a Mum doing her very best and it is so painful. I would step back and look after youself and your own health now. No one can understand what this pain is like unless they have walked in your shoes. I totally do understand as I walked in them myself. Take care love Margaret xx

How are things now? I hope they are much much better x

You're right- I can't really explain how it feels to anyone, even my own mum doesn't seem to grasp it- but then she still sees him, so no loss for her.
I tried explaining it like when you get divorced from someone you love, when you still love them but they walk away from you. many people crack when that happens, and they may have been together a few years etc... but imagine how that feels when it is your own son, who you have raised for 22 years....

I am v close to cracking- what with my daughter etc, i am feeling lower than i ever have. I study with the OU, and can't even finish my course, I panik at walking my 4 year old to school, I have spent the last week at home during school time doing absolutely nothing but stare at the wall and think
.Pathetic really!!
Bit of a breakthrough with my daughter the other day, and we had a huge hug

Thank you Margaret- I wouldn't wish my shoes on anyone, and it's so sad to hear of how common this really is with teens and young adults.
xx

Minxz

January20 wrote: »

For your own sanity, and to regain a bit of control over the situation, you should tell your parents that you do not want to hear anything at all about the visits your son and his girlfriends make to them. Otherwise you will keep being hurt over and over again. Your mother should really have a little more comment sense!

I think you have made the right decision over not sending that Sunday text. It's about time your son realised that you are not going to spend the rest of your life grovelling to him so that the 2 of you have a relationship. It will also help cool the situation that you have time with no contact at all, and bring him down a peg or two when he realises that he is not the centre of the (your) universe.

As for him being hard? He is a teenager so naturally self centered and selfish and he also has no experience of being a parent so cannot begin to understand your pain. Don't worry too much about it as hopefully he will eventually mature emotionally.

Thank you J20.. you're right, and I am trying to do this. It's strange, I've never been a lingy type mum, but now i find myself wanting to text and ring my other son more than i used to, probably for reasurrance that one of my kids still actually cares..lol!
I know he does, he said he wanted me to have some fun and needed some stress releif, so he came back from Uni this christmas and had bought me a Wii with all the extras... I was incredibly touched and cried!
So to the poster who thinks my kids have a 'pattern'.. no.. they don't. My middle son is at Uni ( currently on working placement, hence the money to buy these presents!) and phones, remembers us all, is kind & caring.

marmitepotato

OP I feel your pain. I have had this done to me by my daughter, the hurt is unbelievable and sometimes unbearable. I did exactly the same as you, I wrote to her and told her that my door would always be open to her no matter what, but this would be the last letter I would write as I needed to move on and get on with my life.

I didnt hear anything from her for 4 years, then suddenly out of the blue she rang me up and asked me if she could visit. She came and we kept off of the subject of her rejection of me. A couple of weeks later she was round again. She is now totally back in my life, she lives 30 miles away from me, but , she has needed me and I have been there for her every step of the way. I have nevr asked her the reasons for her rejection and never will, I am just glad that we are at peace together.

OP, i just wanted to tell you there is hope.:grouphug:

Minxz

Stephb1986 wrote: »

I hope the OP doesn't take offence at what I'm about to say. Sounds to me that both of her kids are spoilt and don't like being told NO, When you disect it the OP's son didn't like being told that he wasn't getting any money off her and also the OP's daughter didn't like being told that she didn't want her BF in the house.

Looks like the OP has been too soft on her kids and they should grow up a bit and realise that the world doesn't evolve around them.

Sorry OP but thats the way I see it.

Steph xx

Steph, I know this. I know they hate the word no.. show me a teenager who doesnt!! I know they want money, and their own way... there arent many that don't.
BUT... I disagree with the term spoilt- I treated all my children the same, I was a single mum for a long time, I worked hard, took them on yearly holidays, they went on all the school trips etc.. and still the eldest feels he had it rough, while my middle son remembers the fun times and is grateful.
He never got everything he wanted, I can't afford that... but he did get everything he needed.
I saw him off to Uni with rent, freshers passes paid for, laptop, essentials, train money, food, cash.. I saved for 2 years for each son and sent them off with all they needed knowing I wouldn't be able to do it on a regular basis once they were both there.. so at that point i helped a lot, but not spoilt.

They do need to grow up... but i am not soft.

Minxz

marmitepotato wrote: »

OP I feel your pain. I have had this done to me by my daughter, the hurt is unbelievable and sometimes unbearable. I did exactly the same as you, I wrote to her and told her that my door would always be open to her no matter what, but this would be the last letter I would write as I needed to move on and get on with my life.

I didnt hear anything from her for 4 years, then suddenly out of the blue she rang me up and asked me if she could visit. She came and we kept off of the subject of her rejection of me. A couple of weeks later she was round again. She is now totally back in my life, she lives 30 miles away from me, but , she has needed me and I have been there for her every step of the way. I have nevr asked her the reasons for her rejection and never will, I am just glad that we are at peace together.

OP, i just wanted to tell you there is hope.:grouphug:

ah MP.. that must've been incredibly hard for you... how did you cope?
It's so hard to know why they do this...we bring them up and feel we have done our best, just to get it all taken away as if I am just some friend on facebook he can delete!

I am SO pleased for you that your daughter came back, it must have been hard not to ever question her why though.
I don't think they can ever realise how hurtful this is.

Hope is good.... thank you xxx