Estranged Son- made for an upsetting Christmas.

pupsicola

Minxz wrote: »

He texted me asking for money, saying he was desperate, so i got worried and asked what had happened, thinking a huge bill had arrived that had thrown him. I got a reply telling me not to quiz him, and no, he hadn't frittered away his money ( he's very much into brand names etc.. but I hadn't even asked this anyway) so I replied please don't swear etc, I was worried about him, and concerned, and if you ask for money then please be nice to the person you're asking!
Obviously it went down very well, as he then messaged me and told me to F off, never to contact him, and he was cutting all contact. x

Im so sorry you are going through so much upset. I hate to worry you further but when I read this part of your post one thing instantly sprang to mind. If I am out of order suggesting this then I apologise in advance. This isn't the behaviour of someone who is rationally thinking and in control. Could your son be taking drugs?

heretolearn_2

Same thought here.

princeofpounds

He sounds like an immature jerk. Is there anything that would explain his behaviour, at least in part? The parts you have related to us make you seem totally reasonable and in the right, but is there a longer history to this?

I'm not all that many years ahead of him, and none of my peers ar university would have behaved in such a shocking way towards their mother. I too get the feeling he really needs a good dose of real life to teach him to grow up, although I would have a concern that he might be mentally ill in some way, or in trouble with drugs or something similar (which only he can sort out when it comes down to it). But if it is just brattishness, then I suspect he will eventually get over it.

I think everyone here is right though - you shouldn't dangle on the bait. As painful as it is, it's not really for you to do anything except keep the door open and try to monitor his health and safety through the indirect contact you have. Are you currently supporting him financially? And weekly pleading texts might just be ongoing validation for his 'strategy' so you should be careful about how you communicate and how often.

Minxz

paddy's_mum wrote: »

Stop crying and recognise that you're dealing with a furiously angry, full of hate towards the world spoiled brat who is quite happy to take from everyone who won't stand up to him.

My partner says this.. i think I'm just a weepy mum who can't make sense of it all.

Let him get on with it, and perhaps when his family start giving him the cold shoulder he so richly deserves, he'll learn to put proper value on the matchless blessing of a loving, supportive family.

The thing is they won't- they dote on him, have always favoured him over the others (

In your shoes, I'd be withdrawing any financial or other contribution until his manners improve and if it was within my power, I'd be bludgeoning the grandparents too for their enabling stupidity.

I used to send food vouchers, I have stopped.

By the way, he doesn't believe that once uni is over, he's just going to waltz back into your home, does he?

Oh he did a few months ago.... now I would refuse.

sammyjammy

I think its right for your parents to take him in and its also right that they don't want to be involved, I wouldn't want to say anything about your son becasue I don't know him but would you really want him to fall out with the whole family and have nobody? Perhaps you could write another letter but be quite firm about where you stand, particularly on the financial front and then just let him be.

Fang_3

Is there a problem between your son and your partner?

red_devil

thats serioulsy bad telling your mum to f off etc. No respect springs to mind. I think he will regret it. Its his loss dont chase him. Let him come back to you and apologise and change his ways.

Oldernotwiser

I'm puzzled as to why your parents are taking your son's side over this rather than yours.

FatVonD

Stupid question maybe but does he even still have the phone you're texting?

If he does still have it send one last text saying you're not washing your hands of him completely, you'll still be thinking of him and would love to hear from him but you can't continue a one-sided conversation so won't be in touch so often (don't say never if you know you won't be able to stick to it!) You understand he wouldn't receive the gifts you sent so from now on you'll make a donation to Oxfam in his name at birthdays and Christmas instead (and then email him the link for it.)

globetraveller

I take it your parents are "paying" for his visits? If they are perhaps its worth telling them they are more than likely giving him money so that he can harm or even kill himself. Ask them to stop and see what happens.
My sister went through hell with her daughter. I can't go into details as they are so bad that someone might recognise who I am talking about. She is now a single mum who dotes over her daughter, works hard and her flat is spotless. There is a remarkable difference. She still wont admit to haven taken drugs but it was obvious to everyone.