Estranged Son- made for an upsetting Christmas.

Pee

I was estranged from my parents for a while, due to them refusing to meet or accept a boyfriend. It was very difficult for all concerned and I know my Mum had lots of sleepless nights over me. It's fair to say that she also said things about me being bad with money, into drugs that were very hurtful and just not true. Meanwhile I was buying my first house, building my life and being independent.

She always wanted me to do what she wanted me to do and oddly enough, I wanted to be my own person.

I can still feel that feeling of letting her down because she wants me to do something else than the perfectly tidy and respectable life I have chosen for myself. My friends laugh when I say I am the black sheep of the family because you'd need some very snowy white sheep in a family for me to be the black sheep. But I am older now, in my mid thirties, and able to move on and bite my tongue sometimes. Over Christmas we did have a bit of a row because of something stupid she said to try and wind me up and I bit (it was a touchy subject).

I think you have to let your son be and contact him quarterly rather than weekly. Be glad he still sees his grandparents. I managed to maintain contact with mine which was very importnat to me. And remember that he probably doesn't think about you only because it hurts too much if he does, and he won't block it out for ever, but he needs to acheive what he wants to acheive and you just need to let him....

babyboysmommy

Fang wrote: »

To have one child act like this is unlucky, to have two is a pattern. Add to this the fact that the OP's own parents don't agree with her, and I think it's obvious that the OP is responsible for this and that there's something that she's not telling us. I suspect that she will know what this is.

Having known the OP for some years I can hand on heart say that this couldn't be further from the truth. It's easy to try & blame the parents but gosh, I'd feel my kids were doing well if I was half the parent OP is. When I think of all she has done for her kids over the years, they way she has been there for them through thick & thin. I consider myself blessed to know the OP & she has taught me a lot about unconditional love. I know it's hard when you only get a small snippet of a story so can understand why you said what you did so I'm not having a go at you. I know the OP doesn't need me to say anything, she is more than capable of explaning things herself but I didn't just want to read & run as I'd feel I wasn't being a good friend to let that comment go without saying something.

Better go & PM the OP now so she knows who I am

marmitepotato

Minxz wrote: »

ah MP.. that must've been incredibly hard for you... how did you cope?
It's so hard to know why they do this...we bring them up and feel we have done our best, just to get it all taken away as if I am just some friend on facebook he can delete!

I am SO pleased for you that your daughter came back, it must have been hard not to ever question her why though.
I don't think they can ever realise how hurtful this is.

Hope is good.... thank you xxx

Minxz, it was hard, incredibly hard, she was also in contact with other members of my family but they didnt tell me how she was unless I asked. I cant tell you the buckets of tears I have cried. I suspect that she blamed me for leaving her dad as he was very handy with his fists, after all, every child wants their parents to be together no matter what is going on.

I used to think of her when she was a little girl and she needed me for everything and we did everything together. These memories kept me going.

I think that age and maturity came into the situation once she had met her OH. When you grow up, and I mean really grow up (I.E. relationships, money, jobs, motgage etc) you see things from a much different perspective. I think this is what happened in my daughters case and it will happen to your son too. Please dont give up, but get on with your life and enjoy your other children. I only have one child as I lost one to cot death and one I miscarried, so her rejection of me was all the more upsetting. There is hope and I pray that your son will see sense. Am sending you my good wishes.

Minxz

Pee wrote: »

I was estranged from my parents for a while, due to them refusing to meet or accept a boyfriend. It was very difficult for all concerned and I know my Mum had lots of sleepless nights over me. It's fair to say that she also said things about me being bad with money, into drugs that were very hurtful and just not true. Meanwhile I was buying my first house, building my life and being independent.

She always wanted me to do what she wanted me to do and oddly enough, I wanted to be my own person.

I can still feel that feeling of letting her down because she wants me to do something else than the perfectly tidy and respectable life I have chosen for myself. My friends laugh when I say I am the black sheep of the family because you'd need some very snowy white sheep in a family for me to be the black sheep. But I am older now, in my mid thirties, and able to move on and bite my tongue sometimes. Over Christmas we did have a bit of a row because of something stupid she said to try and wind me up and I bit (it was a touchy subject).

I think you have to let your son be and contact him quarterly rather than weekly. Be glad he still sees his grandparents. I managed to maintain contact with mine which was very importnat to me. And remember that he probably doesn't think about you only because it hurts too much if he does, and he won't block it out for ever, but he needs to acheive what he wants to acheive and you just need to let him....

Thank you... Good to hear things are getting back to normal with your family, despite you having to bite your tongue. I often did that with my son.. he was a tearaway when he was a teenagers, and I have tried hard to forget his past, and I told him only 2 days before he did all this how v v proud i was of him, how he's the first in the family to graduate ( I doubt I'll be there now... he graduates this year, and I know I'll be cut to bits if I am not invited!) and we had the most lovely phone call, so another reason why i truly can't understand his sudden behaviour.
I am not a perfect mum, i get things wrong like we all do... but i never stifl the kids, I don't impose my expectations on them ( only that they try their best for what they want in life) .. but the way he's acting you'd think i was the worse ' jeremy Kyle' type mother around!
Thanks,
x

Minxz

babyboysmommy wrote: »

Having known the OP for some years I can hand on heart say that this couldn't be further from the truth. It's easy to try & blame the parents but gosh, I'd feel my kids were doing well if I was half the parent OP is. When I think of all she has done for her kids over the years, they way she has been there for them through thick & thin. I consider myself blessed to know the OP & she has taught me a lot about unconditional love. I know it's hard when you only get a small snippet of a story so can understand why you said what you did so I'm not having a go at you. I know the OP doesn't need me to say anything, she is more than capable of explaning things herself but I didn't just want to read & run as I'd feel I wasn't being a good friend to let that comment go without saying something.

Better go & PM the OP now so she knows who I am

Thank you!
I can't guess who you are though...!

babyboysmommy

Minxz wrote: »

Thank you!
I can't guess who you are though...!

I've sent you a PM

sazzie_sue

Hi minzx,

Have been reading your post and it has really touched me

I can certianly offer a point of view from the other side as I have put my parents through hell through out the years, I am a few years older than your son and I have sorted my life out but not one moment goes by when I don't feel guilty for what I have done to my parents.

Most my problems started from being about 15 years old, got in with a bad crowd at school, stayed out until stupid o'clock, smoking drugs and drinking. My parents tried everything to keep me out of trouble locked me in my room and was even going to move me schools to get me away from these ppl. Anyway some of the people I hung around with were suspended from school and in my final year managed to settle down and scrape together a few C's in my GCSE's to get me into college even though I was so much brighter than that and could of done a lot better.

College years wern't too bad just got on with it had a few good friends and did normal teenage things cinema, bowling ect and didn't give my parents to much grief...fast forward 2 year to me being 18 and it begins again, my mum decided to divorce my dad due to him having a bad drinking problem and I thought the sun shined out of my dads backside as he spoilt me rotten anything I asked for I got money, lifts. When my mum moved out of the family home I decided to stay with my dad and had a masive row with my said and call her some horrible things and vowed never to speak to her again. I ended up not speaking to her for 18 months, she txt me 24/7,sent emails, sent msg through family and she would even waited outside where I worked to offer me a lift home just to talk to me. And as much as I was angry at her for splitting the family up I was hurting so much inside and just wanted a big hug and kiss from my mum, I was just too stubborn and spoilt for my own good. Eventually she gave up and the txt and emails stopped and I started to regret it every day and to be honest even when I wasn't speaking to her the fact she was chasing me and txtin I had to admit with everything going on I enjoyed the attetion, I know thats so awlful for what i put my mum through but tis the truth.

I bet your son is the same, he will be regretting it deep down but to stubborn to say anything and the more you text him and email he will know he has got you wrapped round his little finger, the advice others have given you is good advice and you need to leave him to it, aslong he knows you will always be there for and welcome him back, you can't force someone to talk to you, if he wants he will pick up the phone.

Luckily my story has a happy ending, my uncle passed away and both me and my mum went to the funeral and she could see I was upset and came and gave me a huge hug and that was it I let all out, broke down and ended up in floods of tear but me and my mum ended up speaking again. Our relationship was still a bit rocky after that but the more time we spent together we bonded again and she welcomed me back. I moved back home last year as my dads drinking got really bad and my relationship with my mum has never been better. Might be to do with the fact I have grown up to but I am thankful for everything she does and help her with bills and the housework and we are really close I tell her about everything and we go for days out lunch ect... I have booked her a suprise trip to paris for her b'day which is in a few months and she hasn't got a clue hehe, can't waitt to see her face and she has no idea how to use the internet so not spoiling the suprise by posting on here.

Sorry for the long post but just wanted to share my experiance to show that if you stay strong and supportive time can be a healer, I wish you all the best and my heart really goes out to you. I know I regret evey min of the time I missed being selfish and can't turn back time and just look forward to the good times in the furture, hope you can do the same too.

SSx

Minxz

SS, thank you for sharing your story- sounds like you had a rough time, and I am so pleased that you & your mum are happy now, and building a strong relationship- what a lovely birthday surprise you have planned!!

It does help hearing from daughters'sons who have been through this with their parents, as it gives some hope for the future with my son. It can't be easy to read how a mother feels when you have been the estranged child in the past, so it takes a lot to post your story.

My other half is taking my little boy to his mums for the weekend, so i can have a girly weekend alone with my daughter- so right now I am going to concentrate on her, and try to put my son to 'one side', as I can't change that situation right now.. but i can help my daughter.

Hope you both have a fabulous trip to Paris

Minxz

babyboysmommy wrote: »

Having known the OP for some years I can hand on heart say that this couldn't be further from the truth. It's easy to try & blame the parents but gosh, I'd feel my kids were doing well if I was half the parent OP is. When I think of all she has done for her kids over the years, they way she has been there for them through thick & thin. I consider myself blessed to know the OP & she has taught me a lot about unconditional love. I know it's hard when you only get a small snippet of a story so can understand why you said what you did so I'm not having a go at you. I know the OP doesn't need me to say anything, she is more than capable of explaning things herself but I didn't just want to read & run as I'd feel I wasn't being a good friend to let that comment go without saying something.

Better go & PM the OP now so she knows who I am

That's such a kind thing to say, thank you
It's messages like these that make me feel like I can get through this, Thank you xx

Minxz

huston_kw wrote: »

It must be heart breaking for you but I think you are doing the right thing and taking a step back, hope he sees sense soon.

Big Hugs x

Thank you HKw- so do I

I just have to wait now I guess
x