Estranged Son- made for an upsetting Christmas.

Minxz

septemberblues wrote: »

I think at some point the OP has to stand back and let her son realise that her life does not revolve around him. Don't ring or txt as frequently as you do, and I think that by doing this it will help you feel better, to be rejected weekly is very upsetting.

Good luck

It is.. I am trying to take a step back now and wait... not easy, but there's not a lot else i can do.

Minxz

Thank you all for the replies x
Since my message things have changed but only slightly. I have a teenage daughter who went right off the rails after christmas, and she caused the whole family a lot of worry as she wanted to be with her boyfriend who has the most awful past ( I found out when i checked her pc as she was running away to be with him) who I can't have in the house.
She ended up calling her brother ( the one in this thread) at 2am last week, and he drove over to talk to her to calm her down and see some sense. I was pleased as it was a step closer to home, but when he got here he spoke to her in the car, spoke to my other son and my partner outside, and wouldn't speak to me. I didn't go rushing out there, i waited to see if he'd come to speak to me.. and he didn't. That was really hard, I could hear him, and not speak to him. I think I was also scared of pushing him away further if i went running outside to hug him!

A few days later he phoned the house, and actually asked to speak to me
It was a call about his sister, so it was short as he wanted her new number- but his first sentence was ' hi mum are you okay?', which made me think he still cares.. at the end i said it was a shame we'd had to speak under these circumstances, and not about nicer things, but i thanked him for calling and said it was good to hear his voice- to which he replied ' you too mum'.

I think I was expecting too much though, as after that i sent him a happy new year text on the 1st, and have had no reply.

So I shall carry on waiting.

tasha-debt

I think that its all a good step in the right directtion though.

xxxx

red_devil

yes dont do anymore chasing take a step back.

zzzLazyDaisy

Okay, you are going to think this is weird advice, but you might think of contacting Al-anon. It is a support group for relatives of alcoholics. They are finding more and more parents (usually mothers) are in your situation.

I am not saying your son has an alcohol problem (although his behaviour does sound similar to people that I have known who have addictions of some form), but what Al-anon can help you with is finding the strength to break the co-dependency and to allow him the space to live his own life and make his own choices without involving you in them.

I do hope things work out for you, but you do need to take a stand. Fast forward 20 years - how will you feel if he is still treating you like this when his is 40+. Because that is what is likely to happen if you continue to allow him to treat you like this now.

SandC

Sounds like a step in the right direction and the best bet is probably to sit back and let time do the rest. Sometimes it's just a case of growing up.

For what it's worth, I don't think it's something like a drug issue - he refused the presents you bought him - if he needed money for drugs he would've bit your hand off for them and sold them.

blue_monkey_2

I ampleased he asked after you - definately a step in the right direction. He has probably started thinking long and hard about everything you have done for him and what he is losing without your financial input BUT he has to be the one to make the move - which he has done in his way.

It'll come. He is going to have to find face really, after everything he said to you and it looks like he has made a start. He has probably mentioned it to his mates who have realised he is being a bit childish.

When you speak again, maybe you want to ask him out for a family meal when he is next in town. That way if things get too much he can walk away and it is on neutral territory rather than it be in the house.

Good luck.

ironpetal

Just read this thread. My son has not spoken to me for nearly 7 years. There is a lot of good advice on this thread and its even helped me as well today on reading it. I have a loving daughter thank God.

If he chooses to cut me dead out of his life then there is nothing I can do about it. I wrote a letter to him years ago accepting full responsibility for my actions around him when he was a child. I was living with a man with Aspergers and it nearly killed me and destroyed my marriage as I couldnt cope with the control and the 'rules'. I didnt know he had this condition and thought it was me and that I was at fault. Ive had no contact with my X since the divorce 20 years ago. My kids have only just in the last 2 years realised my X has this condition as its getting worse apparently like dementia.

I dont even attempt to contact my son now because its a waste of time. If he comes around I wont be saying sorry because I have no reason to apologise or crawl on my belly for forgiveness.

I have to be content that he is happy and well and not suffering in any way. I gave him life and its up to him what he does with it.

Wilma33

Are your parents paying him?

Stephb1986_2

My brother sounds alot like your son apart from my brother is 27, he thinks that the world owes him a living and that my mum and step dad should just give him every penny they earn. He is ungreatful and causes nothing but arguments between us all he loves it. We've tried time and time again to sort him out get him out of debt for him to get himself in debt again a few months later.

We've all decided to let him get on with it now and we're alot happier for it, as far as we know he is happy too as my mum signed guarantor for a loan for him and his girlfriend and as they keep missing the payments they are hounding us for the money, but she called the other day and told us she had paid it early and that he was ok. Needless to say she hadn't paid it.

Best thing to do is to leave him to stew for a while.

Steph xx