Sharing chores...

JodyBPM

I work 2 days a week, and my husband works 5, so I do expect to do the majority of the housework. We have two children 4 and 5 who are both now at school.

Normally, DH and I are quite good at sharing the chores between us, and in generally I would say we communicate well and get along well, and generally have a very happy marriage.

The last few weeks, though, he's been grousing a lot about "his" chores, and seems to think that I put upon him too much. The problem seems to be that because I am at home during the day, I try to do as much as I possibly can during the day, so that I can sit down and relax from 8.30/9.00 ish at night, where as because he is at work during the day, he often doesn't start his bits until that sort of time, and he seems to resent me sitting down whilst he's doing stuff. I'm not sure if its just because Xmas is coming up, and we're both busy, or whether it is because both children are at school now, and I have more time during the day, but this definitely just seems to have been an issue in the last couple of weeks.

DH's jobs are:
- gets the children up in the morning, and gives them their breakfast.
- makes packed lunches for himself and the children each night, and for me too on the two days I work
- Irons his own work shirts, and the children's school uniform on a sunday night
- Takes the bins out once a week (although I do all the sorting of recycling, bagging up etc)
- Takes the recycling to the tip about once every two months
- Puts things in and out of loft as required.
- Baths the children twice a week

I do everything else. Washing, cooking, cleaning, hoovering, shopping, managing finances, arranging parties, planning for christmas, buying presents, making school nativity play costumes, reading with the children, tidying up, changing beds, mopping floors, cleaning bathroom, washing up, etc etc. And I do keep the house spotless, and am very organised with meal planners, presents lists etc! I also do a lot of home-baking, chutney making etc.

So do I expect too much of him? Should I keep going in the evening, doing "his" jobs even when I have spent the whole day cleaning, cooking, running around etc, and "my" jobs are done - children in bed, washing folded and put away, house clean and tidy?

I can understand why it irks him, if I'm sitting down whilst he's still going, but I don't think he has much to do, and frankly I'm knackered, and look forward to sitting down for an hour or so before bed.

I'm sure it is just because we are busy, he's been up and down to the loft with Xmas presents, decorations etc that he's feeling grumpy and put upon - but I don't really feel that I have much capacity to take on any more - if I did "his" jobs in the evening, I'd literally be non stop from 7am until 10pm!

BitterAndTwisted

You've got five full days to keep the house and everything in it ship-shape and your husband only two so I don't understand why you insist on having rigid "his" and "hers" jobs. I think I could keep my place spotless and organised in a lot less than five full working days.

I think you could do worse than pay a visit to the "Flylady" thread on the Old-Style board and pick up some tips on being more organised and efficient.

JodyBPM

BitterAndTwisted wrote: »

You've got five full days to keep the house and everything in it ship-shape and your husband only two so I don't understand why you insist on having rigid "his" and "hers" jobs. I think I could keep my place spotless and organised in a lot less than five full working days.

I think you could do worse than pay a visit to the "Flylady" thread on the Old-Style board and pick up some tips on being more organised and efficient.

We have "his" & "hers" jobs, because I'm a very, very tidy person, and can always see jobs to do which DH can't, and he said he would prefer to know what he had to do, and when, rather than me keep asking him to do stuff!

I don't really have "5 full days to keep the house" - I have 3 days 9.10 - 2.55 (after school I have afterschool activities to take them to/from, playdates, reading with the children, playing with the children etc etc), the other two days I am working, and the other two days are the weekend where I have children to entertain, family things to do, play dates, parties etc etc! Trust me, with a 4yr old and a 5yr old the only time to make a dent into any kind of significant housework is evenings when they are in bed, or weekdays whilst they are at school!

Counting_Pennies_2

I agree with the majority of the jobs

What I would suggest maybe is you take on the highlighted ones

He can manage his shirts on a Sunday afternoon while you play with the little ones, and he can do his lunch so he has what he likes.

The rest I can't see there is any problem with at all. I would suggest the mowing and other handy work around the house as and when needed are also his role.

DH's jobs are:
- gets the children up in the morning, and gives them their breakfast.
- makes packed lunches for himself and the children each night, and for me too on the two days I work
- Irons his own work shirts, and the children's school uniform on a sunday night
- Takes the bins out once a week (although I do all the sorting of recycling, bagging up etc)
- Takes the recycling to the tip about once every two months
- Puts things in and out of loft as required.
- Baths the children twice a week

Mojisola

Wouldn't you feel hard done by if you were doing jobs in the evening and your OH was sitting down relaxing?

Either you could take some time to yourself during the day so that you are doing jobs while he is doing his in the evening or you could change his jobs so that they could be done at the weekend when you are also doing chores. Don't forget that your children are getting to the age when they can start helping with the household jobs so that you can all work together.

BitterAndTwisted

So what are you doing when your husband is getting the kids ready for school and feeding them their breakfast? I see your three non-working days only start at 9.10 so what are you doing until then, lying in bed?

Honestly, I don't mean to sound over-the-top judgemental but I really think even three days from 9.10 to 2.55 is plenty of time to keep on top of things. It's not like your two kids need 100% of your attention every single waking moment when they're not at school.

I think you've got it easy compared to a lot of women and I can't see what your problem is, frankly

tiamai_d

I don't see a problem with it.

What is he doing till 9pm? Surely he must know that if he does his chores, and his only daily ones are pack lunches, before 9pm then he too can sit and relax?

Ironing happens once a week, bins once a week, bathing the kids twice a week (I'd expect them to be in bed by 9pm?). It's not a lot every day.

What are you doing every night? Dinner, washing up, tidying, kids to bed, sorting out laundry (that doesn't need ironing), getting bags and clothes ready for the next day. But I bet you do it all before sitting down. Does he sit down then wait till last thing before making packed lunches? If so then it's his lack of organisation that is letting him down.

tiamai_d

BitterAndTwisted wrote: »

So what are you doing when your husband is getting the kids ready for school and feeding them their breakfast? I see your three non-working days only start at 9.10 so what are you doing until then, lying in bed?

Honestly, I don't mean to sound over-the-top judgemental but I really think even three days from 9.10 to 2.55 is plenty of time to keep on top of things. It's not like your two kids need 100% of your attention every single waking moment when they're not at school.

I think you've got it easy compared to a lot of women and I can't see what your problem is, frankly

Really honouring your user name here.

Kittendreich

I'd agree that 3 nearly full days is loads to keep on top of things - pop over to the thread on full-time working mums and be glad of the time you have. Of course your hubby should help out, but you have 15 hours a week to egt stuff done that is better done without the kids and then time with them for stuff they can help with.

You get to spend lots of time with your kids (which I assume is funded by your hubby working full-time) and have plenty of time to get all the basics done. I would see making chutney and home baking etc as a luxury/hobby - and I would be annoyed slogging my guts out at work as the 'breadwinner' to have my partner exhausted and expecting me to do essential chores as they have been baking all day (despite how lovely the cakes are!). I don't mean to sound harsh and you will be working hard - but spending time raising your children is a privilidge lots of people (sadly) don't have so I wouldn't rank it the same as working just for money.

JodyBPM

BitterAndTwisted wrote: »

So what are you doing when your husband is getting the kids ready for school and feeding them their breakfast? I see your three non-working days only start at 9.10 so what are you doing until then, lying in bed?

LOL at the idea of laying in till 9.10 - chance would be a fine thing! DH gets up at 6ish, gets dressed, has breakfast etc, then gets the children up at 6.45, plops them in front of the telly in their pjs with a bowl of cereal, wakes me up at 6.55, and then leaves to catch his train. I get washed and dressed whilst the children are eating their cereal, then come downstairs and get them washed & dressed, collect up washing from the radiators and put away, put another load in the machine, unload dishwasher from night before, and then reload with breakfast dishes, clear up "breakfast mess" from sides and from the floor, brush and plait dd's hair, make beds and straighten bedrooms, collect up school stuff, shoes and coats on, leave for school run at 8.30. If I'm lucky I have time for a cup of tea!

Honestly, I don't mean to sound over-the-top judgemental but I really think even three days from 9.10 to 2.55 is plenty of time to keep on top of things. It's not like your two kids need 100% of your attention every single waking moment when they're not at school.

Do you have children? My four year old and five year old DO need my attention pretty much all the time! Between 9.10 and 2.55 each day I hoover and mop the downstairs, hoover the stairs, plan dinner, do the shopping, clean and relay the fire, do laundry, change beds, hoover the upstairs, clean carpets once a week, sort out finances, prepare dinner where possible, clean out chickens, feed cats, make cookies/muffins & yogs & jellies for lunchboxes, do any stuff needed for school eg cake baking/costume making etc. Some days I get time to sit down for an hour at lunch, other times its a cup a soup on the go! At the moment I have all the christmas related stuff for school and home to do, so its fairly hectic!

I think you've got it easy compared to a lot of women and I can't see what your problem is, frankly

I do have it fairly easy compared to full time workers, I agree, but to be fair, my husband has it a lot easier than if I worked full time too!

I'm not a slacker by nature - I like to keep busy and I like a tidy house. But I'm knackered by 9, and like to unwind for an hour or so before bed!

JodyBPM

tiamai_d wrote: »

I don't see a problem with it.

What is he doing till 9pm? Surely he must know that if he does his chores, and his only daily ones are pack lunches, before 9pm then he too can sit and relax?

Ironing happens once a week, bins once a week, bathing the kids twice a week (I'd expect them to be in bed by 9pm?). It's not a lot every day.

What are you doing every night? Dinner, washing up, tidying, kids to bed, sorting out laundry (that doesn't need ironing), getting bags and clothes ready for the next day. But I bet you do it all before sitting down. Does he sit down then wait till last thing before making packed lunches? If so then it's his lack of organisation that is letting him down.

I think you have it spot on -he is downloading to his ipod, playing wii, watching telly etc from when the children go to bed at 7 through til 9, whilst I'm pottering around, getting stuff done. So of course he doesn't finish til later in the evenings! Where as I don't stop for more than 5 minutes until around 8.30/9 when all my jobs are done!