Struggling mum of 2 - where do I turn for help??

blue_monkey_2

I was going to suggest a childminder but forgot, around here they are certainly cheaper at, on average, £4 an hour, than the nursery fees that you are paying.

demir2424

My nursery fees sound expensive but it is the cheapest I have found a local childminder I used for 2 months was 100 pounds a month more than the nursery. My nursery is 30 pounds a day for my eldest and 36 a day for youngest - 3.75 an hour, but I need to times everything by 2 for 2 children so 7.50 an hour and its not a convenient location - it is quite a walk these mornings but the cheapest in my town.

demir2424

Can I ask why your ex only pays for the 3 year old but has nothing to do with the baby. Is he disputing that he is his? Sorry to be nosy but he seems to be favouring the older child, I wondered if there was a reason for this.[/QUOTE]

I don't know the reason as my 2 boys are like twins. His brother said something about 'Isn't is funny your 2 boys looking like twins and my brother saying the baby isn't his!' So i guess he is telling people the baby is not his son, he left when I was 7 months pregnant and I can swear that I have not had any other men in my life for the past 13 years. And his friend asked me in the streets a few weeks ago 'Does both fathers have dark hair and dark eyes?'.

huston_kw

Hi didn't want to read and run, if you head over to the old style board there are loads of lovely people that will help to reduce your shopping bills, etc, etc

Just a quick Q do you get help with your child care from the tax credits?

Mojisola

Why hasn't a DNA test been done?

blue_monkey_2

You know what, ignore them. YOU know and you do not have to justify this to us. I kind of figured this was the case - what a pra t. You are so well rid. I would also stipulate, both boys or neither boys. End of. Your CANNOT have the boys fighting over this when they are older - they will, trust me. My family tried to buy presents for one of my children and not the other at Xmas.... that lasted one time before they got a piece of my mind.

My dad chooses favourites in this way and it is pathetic, there are 4 of us there are only 2 he chooses to have contact with. I remember him accusing my mum of all sorts when he wanted to leave too, I remember as a child thinking 'ooh, so xx has a different dad' and no, as he is older, it is pretty obvious he didn't. As he is a coward too.

He uses this excuse because HE had someone else and wanted an excuse and was too much of a chicken to be honest. He is a coward. Using the excuse he does justifies his behaviour to his friends. I am pretty much sure most of them know already!! So hold your head up high you have NOTHING to be ashamed of.

Actually, if someone else asks you that again just yes, I had an affair with his twin brother. LOL.

blue_monkey_2

Yes, I forgot about the x2 aspect, sorry.

demir2424

I have offered him a dna test and he says he needs no proof, but yet he treats the baby so differently, maybe he just never bonded with him.
But somewhere along the line he must of said something about him not being his son to somebody. I offered double dna and he said I was being stupid.

blue_monkey_2

Well, if he refuses to pay he will HAVE to take one as the CSA will insist.

flowerscotland

Hi hun

Firstly I want to offer you some *huge hugs* I'm so sorry you have to go through all this.

Firstly I would say get on the back of the CSA, don't let this rest, they will sit on their backsides and do nothing, if you don't call them. There is some info here if your ex is denying he is the parent of your baby http://www.csa.gov.uk/en/PDF/leaflets/new/CSL304.pdf

He has a duty to pay for his children, it would make me sick to see him swanning about the place with girls like he has been, I am sure it's making you feel awful, but this guy needs to take some responsibility for his children !

I have been in the same situation as yourself, my ex didn't give a monkey's about his girls, and left me without money for a few months too, we had a private agreement and he kept messing me about, I contacted the CSA and until they sorted it out, I didn't get any money for a few months. I can understand the situation that you're in.

I'm not sure about the house situation, as I only rent, but I echo the others do NOT leave that house !

Thirdly I urge you to contact the tax credits again, they are supposed to pay 70% of childcare costs, and it doesn't look as if they are with the figures you have provided. Call and check with them, or else try https://www.entitledto.com you put in all your details and they tell you how much you should get in benefits, they do tax credits, housing and council tax benefits.

Also I don't know how flexible your employer is, but could you look at maybe changing your working hours at all ? So that you pay less childcare ? I don't know about the hours you do, but have a little think. For example I work 10-2 four days a week, so that I don't need childcare except from school holidays and inservice days.

I want to just mention that things will get easier, looking back on my first few months, I was so scared, frightened of the future, I was going through a struggle for access to my girls too, it was a total roller coaster ride, but now I can honestly say it takes a lot to phase me where he is concerned, he's done most things that he possibly could to hurt me, and you just reach a point where you let it wash over you. I know you must be feeling so angry right now, but keep being a fantastic Mum to your boys, and the three of you will come out shining stars, I can guarantee you will be so proud of yourself, for coming through what you have too.

I'm going to send you a PM too, take care x