Struggling mum of 2 - where do I turn for help??

Valli

OP (Demir)

are you aware that, as a single claimant, you can get your child benefit paid weekly instead of 4-weekly?

demir2424

no i was not aware of this

pupsicola

I feel awful for you. Do believe that you are a fantastic mum who is trying her best in very difficult, im sure unbearable circumstances, to do the very best for her kids.

How can anyone think that by putting there tiny children and ex-partner in such an awful financial position it will teach the children anything but how cruel they are.

Im sure everyone else has already given you lots of advice on where to turn next. I wish you alot of luck

zaksmum

Dear God...! How did you ever get involved - and have two kids with - such an idiot who treats you so badly???

His other women are welcome to him but I wish I could come up with something helpful for you.

It's got to be worth a try to just stop paying the mortgage. Maybe speak to your lender, tell them how you're struggling, ask for at the very least a repayment holiday?

Half the ultimate equity will be his no matter WHO pays the mortgage. Why should you do it alone? My daughter really did find herself suddenly holdng all the aces when she stopped paying. Her ex went from bullying her to grovelling to her because he was desperate not to lose his share of the equity.

And surely if the worst comes to the worst, your local council will find you somewhere to live with two babies?? You could say you did not voluntarily make yourself homeless, it was totally impossible to continue to meet your housing costs.

Your local paper would highlight the situation and you'd soon find people willing to help. Name and shame ex while you're at it!!!

mitch161

sorry my advice now redundant.

Kimitatsu

zaksmum wrote: »

Dear God...! How did you ever get involved - and have two kids with - such an idiot who treats you so badly???

His other women are welcome to him but I wish I could come up with something helpful for you.

It's got to be worth a try to just stop paying the mortgage. Maybe speak to your lender, tell them how you're struggling, ask for at the very least a repayment holiday?

Half the ultimate equity will be his no matter WHO pays the mortgage. Why should you do it alone? My daughter really did find herself suddenly holdng all the aces when she stopped paying. Her ex went from bullying her to grovelling to her because he was desperate not to lose his share of the equity.

And surely if the worst comes to the worst, your local council will find you somewhere to live with two babies?? You could say you did not voluntarily make yourself homeless, it was totally impossible to continue to meet your housing costs.

Your local paper would highlight the situation and you'd soon find people willing to help. Name and shame ex while you're at it!!!

Sorry but that is wrong, the judge will look at all of the assets of the marriage and then will look at how the OP will be able to provide for herself in old age given that she has caring responsibilities.

A mesher order will be put in place on a pro rata basis for the equity, and the OP can live in the property until the youngest has finished full time non advanced education (currently this can be up to 20 years old). At that point the house will have to be sold and the equity split accordingly, as the OP has said that her ex has a well paid job and possibly a good pension to go with it, the OP can expect to be awarded upwards of 60% of the equity in the house (depending on pension pots and other assets). If the OP merely stops paying the mortgage then she has intentionally made herself homeless, if she pays a reduced amount then she has attempted to stay in her own property and the courts will be unlikely to evict her.

Many councils take the hard core stance that if you have intentionally made yourself homeless then they have a duty of care to house the children (so the children will be placed with the father or taken into care) but they do not have a duty of care to house the adults as they have made themselves intentionally homeless. Your daughter was lucky but it is not advice that I would freely give to anyone else :eek:

blue_monkey_2

OP, I am sorry to hear of the struggles you have been having. I have a few things in my loft that I would like to send you for the kids, if you do not mind. I have a musical toy for the baby (they dance to the music) and some toy cars for your son - a few other bits and pieces too. I've got books as well. I bought them thinking that they would do for friends children but lost the invoice and could not return them - they have been in the loft since - and do not have anyone to give them to. I am happy to pay the postage as well - so the offer is there.

PM me if you want these toys, they are destined for freecycle anyway and I know that someone who needs them will get them then. I know that the exchange of personal details on MSE is not allowed but I would not need your name and address as I can send them via collect+ and it can go to a shop local to you to be collected http://www.collectplus.co.uk/ You can find a shop local to you on there.

I also have a box of stuff that I was going to put onto Freecycle. I can send it via that new parcel service for £5 so it is no hardship for me. I have been in your situation a long, long time ago and I know how hard it is especially when you are not getting the advise you need.

You are well rid of your ex, once the dust settles you'll be so much better off.

In regards to the mortgage. When the council said they would not help you, it meant they would not give you council housing. If you rent privately then you will still get LHA (housing Benefit). You will probably only be able to claim for a 2 bed.

If you are going to stop paying the mortgage, start putting the money away ready to pay a deposit, if you are going to go down this route. It'll take them 6 months for the repossession to this will give you time to stay and find somewhere else. Espcially if you then get awarded money by the CSA.

However, my mother was able to remain in the marital home and got all the house from my dad. My dad (sounds like your ex) ended up giving his share of the house in exchange for paying no child maintenance, she made reduced mortgage payments in agreement with the Bank, until she was able to work more and pay more.

So, your solicitor has told you to sell the house? Can you go and speak to the council again, ask them what happens if the house is sold as there is no equity so no money to move on. See what they say. They will say everything to put you off getting a council house so google and find out what your rights are - shelter is a good website to start with, the council will not be straight with the facts and people on here helped us and now we are in a HA home.

Also, apply to every housing association possible in the area - if you start googling you will find there are loads, and apply to them as well.

If you are really struggling to get anything from the CSA, go and see your MP, this is what they are there for, and they will find out what is going on.

And every day, thank your lucky stars that you are free of this loser!!

I do not think you are allowed to change the locks because hs is paying half the mortgage but speak to your solicitor about getting a restrining order so he cannot come and go as he pleases.

I also agree, you need a more understanding solicitor. My mother got Legal Aid and had a charge put on the house, yours sounds like she cannot be bothered as there is no money to make from you as the equity is not there. If you get all of the house then the equity will be there.

Good luck.

blue_monkey_2

demir, the kids cannot be fussy, if you give them the food, if they do not eat it then they go hungry. They will soon learn to eat what is put in front of them and this will be an important lesson too. Tell them the shop was sold out of everything else and it was all you can get.

Fruit shoots are poison (!!). Buy squash and top the 'fruit shoot' bottles up at night ready for the next day. They will not tell the difference, tell him they changed the recipe if he asks.

If your son wants crisps, but the value snacks, they are 50p for 12. Value chocolate and sweets are cheap too.

Now is the time for YOU to get clever - they are children, do not let them outwit you and do not give into them. This will be a lesson for them. Espcially the 3 year old, that he cannot have everything he wants. Maybe give him £1 and tell him he can choose, he is not too young to understand what 100 pennies buys and it'll help with his maths too. Give him a calculator.

Can I ask why your ex only pays for the 3 year old but has nothing to do with the baby. Is he disputing that he is his? Sorry to be nosy but he seems to be favouring the older child, I wondered if there was a reason for this.

ALIBOBSY

Not sure about your total income, but you may qualify for the healthy start vouchers see here http://www.healthystart.nhs.uk/index.html.

This gives you one voucher per week for kids between 1 and 4 and 2 vouchers per week for babies. Each voucher is for £3.10 and can be spent on veggies/fruits/milk. I only found out about these by accident when my oh was made redundant in oct, they aren't well advertised but are a good idea. In our area all the Tescos take them and you can use the vouchers against reduced items.

You can also claim vitamins from the local clinic for the kids.

Ali x

mitch161

Childcare more expensive then wage?

not sure if you chose the current child minder based on location. but it might be worth getting the yellow pages out or googling your town. yes you might have to spend 20minutes on a bus to go abit further to get there. but if it brings the costs down by 50p, thats £10 in your pocket for 20 hours

there are some childcare places that do it from £2.50 (if your very lucky) but id probably be more realistic to say its possible to find one for £5.

http://childcarefinder.direct.gov.uk/childcarefinder/

also do shopping in the evening, after 6pm. if your son needs fresh fish then shop just as deli counter closing and ask if they have any fish they need shot off due to 'sell by' dates. my tesco actually has a open fridge shelf for "reduced items"

the amount of times i se meat there for 27p as appose to £2.65 amazes me.

My sunday roast cost me 85p and i had the plate full!! (im a big guy)

cant always get it. but worth a try, especially with the fishmonger when it comes to feeding kids a smile from a lady gets you more then just searching the shelves.

yes the trick of re-using fruitshoot bottles works a treat.

60p blackcurrent squash can refill dozens of bottles.

also as a cheap plate filler theres ofcourse the tinned pea's or beans.. but dont just look for asda basics beans. i seen asda beans&sausages sometimes cheaper then beans alone.

the 10p savings here and there really do add up.

also beans with a spoon of butter/.marg plopped in before heating it. melts well to taste better then heinz.

if you ever find the little extra to take kids out for a mcdonalds take them to McMommies..

basically spend that £2(happymeal) to buy economy burgers, 50p buns lettuce and cucumber. and make them at home. you will be able to make 8 burgers for same price as 1. keeping 7x£2 'treat day' meals to spend on a proper treat.
not healthier then squash. but 20p 2litre DIET-cola. with a top up of lemon juice makes it taste more like pepsi (ingrediants of pepsi have citric acid(lemons))

kids at your childs age dont need expensive toys to have fun, there is a recipe online for you to make playdough. the magic your kids can make with playdough keeps them busy for hours.. for pennies

last tip if your older son is fussy over his drink. then get a selection of asda basics juices and a couple cups and make it into a game for him to make his own cocktail of fruitshoot. knowing he made it will make him more inclined to drink it. plus its fun. even if your son aint a big enough boy to mix drinks himself.. mommies can be great at acting like mixing machines .. get boy to point at wat he wants and mommy acting like a machine making buzz, hums(robot sounds) and glugging sounds as the juice pours in makes son think he is in a fruitshoot factory directing the robots to mix him a perfect drink

and the squashes make a lovely lollypop in summer with them lolly molds.

even making asda basics chocolate into a game/treat such as a 30p bar of chocolate (equivelent to dairy milks £1.50 family bar snap off 2 cubes (refridgerate the rest for other treat days) melt them in microwave and wow now your older son has a treat, asda basics 5p crisps with a chocolate dip!!

you dont need expensive toys just an imagination