Struggling mum of 2 - where do I turn for help??

ford_prefect_3

The part that really needs to be looked at is the serious issue that he may coerce you to leave the UK with the children for a divorce in Turkey, once that happens it would be easy for him and his family to remove the children, you wouldnt be the first person this has happened to.

The fastest route to stopping this is to contact the Child Abduction Unit at Gatwick Airport Police Station and provide them with copies of the childrens passports and as much info about your ex and his family as you can, if your children have dual nationality then all the passport details for those papers as well. They will take you seriously and they will act and put out an all ports alert for immigration and airlines to watch out for the childrens passports.

You also need to get a solicitor on the case for the family law aspect of this and get an ex parte prohibited steps order regarding the removal of the children, you should qualify for legal aid for this so its worth getting this sorted ASAP. You might want to consider a residency order as well.

In addition you should be looking to get an occupation order for the house to keep him out. That doesnt mean he can be forced to pay the mortgage as your jointly and severely liable for it but it will stop him wandering in at will and will allow you to change the locks lawfully as well.

The only thing he is legally liable for at this stage is the CSA payment, any mortgage payment he makes would only count against that if he had no future interest in the house and as at the moment you are joint owners then it wont be deducted from the CSA debts.

But the bottom line is get a decent solicitor on the case.

ETA you also need to contact the passport office and put a watch on any passport applications, if you hold the passports for the children make them aware of this and that any applications should be blocked.

blue_monkey_2

I was thinking about you all night D, are you OK.

I am not sure if I asked last night, did you tell your solicitor all that you have us? Do you have one that would be biased in any way?

demir2424

My solicitor is female and muslim, but I don't think she would be biased - she agrees that he is acting like an idiot. She was asking for more information to show he is unfaithful, but I said best just stick with unreasonable behaviour as he will dispute everything.

Mojisola

Could he not get Turkish passports for the children - then he wouldn't need the ones you have locked away.

sandraroffey

with all you have been telling us, i think a couple of things:

is a muslim solicitor really going to work in your favour??????? think it may be a good idea to find a different one.

you really need to get to someone like womens aid and do it quickly. you have to go where he cant find you.

do phone the passport office with some urgency and tell your (NEW) solicitor that he can only have the children for visits if someone from YOUR family is there also, or someone you know, or a police person. parental visit time is when children mostly vanish - they just dont bring them back.

you must be strong here and get all this done. he is walking all over you. get these things done quickly and dont tell anyone what you are doing. it may just get back to him.

DeeT_2

I know I've come in late to this, but just want to say that if your property is in negative equity, it won't have any impact on any HB(LHA) that you get - it's only taken into account as an 'asset' - that is if the value is worth more than the amount of mortgage outstanding, and that would be divided by two as it's jointly owned, so the chances are you would be able to claim for a rented property. THe lower capital threshold is £6000. 10 per cent of the value is taken off first, then the amount of the mortgage, then the rest divided between the owners. Also, even if it does have a 'paper' value - it can be disregarded for at least 6 months if it is subject to sale proceedings, and that includes trying to get it on the market if one party is being obstructive.

From a personal point of view, it may be worth trying to get somewhere to rent - that way you can lock the door against him and know he can't come in without your permission. If he hassles you, call the police - they will remove him, and keep removing him, as often as it takes. I've been there, and never realised before that point how helpful they were and how quickly they responded. And bit by bit, it helps you to get your self confidence back, which is how you will get through this.

Please also try and speak to your doctor. I understand the doubts you have over this, but it doesn't mean they'll necesarily prescribe pills. I was so worried about this, I wouldn't go either, and when I did eventually crumble completely, the doctor said the best thing she could offer me was to sign me off sick for a while - no pills, just free up a bit of time to get things sorted in my mind. I was mortified, didn't want people to think I couldn't cope, but believe me it was the best thing I could do. It gave me the time to make appointments to see the people I needed to see, get some proper advice and keep chipping away till I got the answers, and most of all to get things back in perspective.Once you make headway with just one thing, life starts to look much better. It's not till you start to believe that you can make things happen, that you'll have the courage to stand up to him.

Please keep plugging away - remember you're the one who's the miracle worker here - you are holding down a job, running a home, looking after 2 small children and being so imaginative in every area with the budgeting. That says an awful lot about your capabilities, and don't let anyone imply otherwise. Believe me, the kids won't think any of the things you might worry about, regardless who tries to poison their mind. You're 'Mum' and you love them, and they love you. They won't remember the tears and the worry in a few months time - they'll just remember the feeling closeness that this will undoubtedly bring. Hang on in there. Stay as strong as you can - get help from anywhere you can think of, even if it seems an unlikely source, and most of all don't worry about being judged - you'll be amzed how many people probably already hold their own opinion of your ex, but never thoiught it their place to say.

amani_2

I am a white british muslim married to a foriegn muslim man. I would just like to say that we dont all live a life like blue monkey's aunty or demir 2424.

As for getting divorced in Turkey, this should not be necessary, your solicitor should be able to sort everything out from this side, without you going to Turkey.

blue_monkey_2

amani wrote: »

I am a white british muslim married to a foriegn muslim man. I would just like to say that we dont all live a life like blue monkey's aunty or demir 2424.

As for getting divorced in Turkey, this should not be necessary, your solicitor should be able to sort everything out from this side, without you going to Turkey.

Apologies if I offended you amani, it was clear that D was being treated like my aunt when she started to open up. I am sorry if I implied that all muslim men were like that, it was unintentional, I don't think I did I was merely saying that I understood the pain she was going through as I have witnessed her treatment first hand. And this is when she started to open up some more. Which helps us to get her the help she really needs.

Did you speak to womens aid D?

demir2424

I have been so busy today. I have 2 sick children - eldest with a chest infection, youngest with on going ear infections, nether have slept for more than 2/3 hours for the past week.
I walked to my parents house with the boys today, just to clear my head and wake me up. My mother took me to buy new a nursery uniform for eldest and nursery clothing for youngest.

Really want to clear my head this weekend as I know if I speak to womens aid or refuge that the tears will start again.

Maintenance should be in my a/c on monday and I also have a meeting with my boss on monday.

I agree with amani that I have many lovely muslim friends and most muslim men do not behave like this - his father left his mother with 9 children to raise when he was 4, so he never had a good male role model. He didn't speak to his father until he was 21 and now his father is married to a lady younger than me, I think she is 26 and they have 2 small children (his father is 64)

His closest brother is shocked at his behaviour and does not speak to him, I speak via his wife.

demir2424

Still no csa payment and no money for food, transport to college tomorrow - looks like I will have to call my parents and explain all