Struggling mum of 2 - where do I turn for help??

Mojisola

If you think there is the slightest chance that your ex might take the children to Turkey and keep them there, you must get a really good solicitor on your side. You need to be prepared for the possibility so that you can prevent it.

blue_monkey_2

Ah, I see, that helps explain things more and I can see why things are more difficult for you now. If your life is anything like my aunts, I have no idea why she stays with that man!! if you can call him that. She does not live, she exists, she is not allowed to speak to anyone without permission and as for men - not even allowed eye contact, she cannot show ANY flesh and is only allowed to shop for one hour. Including getting there and back. She is white, british too. He has dragged her down to a level where she could not walk if she wanted to as she does not have the confidence too, he is a manipulative so and so. Do you feel like this demir? You can PM me if you prefer, I do not mind.

Does he say horrible things to you? Or things that put put you down and belittle you? I am asking because I know the life my aunt has - I think you need to be honest with yourself. You may not think so but this IS abuse and you need help with the DV more than anything else at the moment in my opinion. If you do not want to say on here I can understand - it is so hard to admit things to people. but admitting it is the start of getting your life back as people can then help you more, but you are welcome to PM me anytime, OK.

I take it the people you work with know nothing of this.

I honestly would not worry about changing GP's though, register with a new GP and get the help you need. If anyone from the GPs surgery where you work says anything just say you did not feel that your problems would be dealt with in confidence, that will shut them up!!

In light of what you have said I think, deep down you should stop paying the rent, give up your job and save, save, save and find somewhere to rent as far away as is possible. A job is a job. You have more at stake now. You can get financial help because of the children but you need to get away from him and while you arein the house you are not going to be able to do this. Likewaise, with the community as it is there is always going to be someone who is telling him what you are doing day to day.

Is moving nearer your parents a possibility so you have their support through this? Have you told them what is going on?

And one more thing, have you contacted womens aid? They will help you through this and they will help you escape. You owe it to your children to get your self confidence and your life back D. You know where I am.

blue_monkey_2

demir2424 wrote: »

Also my husband and his family believe in the islamic/turkish legal system in which during divorce the mother gets custody of male children and the father of female children. Female children remain in the fathers custody until they marry, male children remain with the mother until 13, when they must decide to live with either their father or a chossen male relative.
Also a man can divorce a woman, but a woman must get permission to divorce from husband and his family.
I read everything I could on islamic/turkish law when he left last year.
He said in July that his sister and mother recommended we divorce in ankara as it is cheaper and they have a family lawyer who is good out there. Turkish divorce court is quicker (we married in a turkey)I told him to get lost as I knew he wanted me to go and get confused with all the different laws and mistranslate paperwork.

DO NOT, UNDER ANY CIRCUMSTANCES, GIVE IN AND DO WHAT HE HAS SUGGESTED. Have you spoken to your lawyer about this?? I am guessing that once you go to Turkey 'to get divorced' you'll not see the kids again. BE VERY CAREFUL. PLEASE.

I know that the more you divulge the harder this is becoming for your D but you really must find a lawyer who understand all of this. Did you ask if you could get Legal Aid?

You live in the UK and UK law is applicable here.

Do you think he married you so he could live in the UK? How long have you been together?

demir2424

I think getting a good job and more independence will help me - my family live about 3 miles away and they know he has taken all my confidence away, I met him at 17 years old and have just been existing ever since - I am not allowed friends or even to speak to his family without him being there - that is my situation - cover up, don't make eye contact with males etc.
I really want to start getting my life sorted now and then have a good job and prospects when my kids start school - I also really want to learn to drive (he wouldn't let me) but my confidence and having panic attacks doesn't help.
I still feel I paid the deposit on this house and furnished/decorated it.

demir2424

blue_monkey wrote: »

DO NOT, UNDER ANY CIRCUMSTANCES, DO THIS. Have you spoken to your lawyer about this??

Don't worry - He thinks I am stupid.
Passports for me and the kids are in a secure place and we are going nowhere near that country.

kittykat100

demir2424 wrote: »

I am white, british and of catholic upbringing. My ex husband and his family are originally from turkey and of muslim faith where womens rights mean very little.

Maybe so but he is living in BRITAIN with BRITISH laws and what he believes in means !!!!!! all!!

You stick to your guns my girl, don't leave the house and don't speak to him aside from mediation. He is trying to bully you. I have read this thread and getting angrier by the second!

You have had loads of support on here, please listen to their advice and remember you are NOT alone.

Kittyx

demir2424

He has taught the eldest to say allsorts about me in english and turkish - I was telling the health visitor about the insults and swearing that he has taught my eldest to say to me. The worst things are in turkish but I understand that the child is calling me dirty, fat, smelly etc in turkish.

blue_monkey_2

Demir, I've got to go and sort my kids dinner but I know the life that my aunt lives and my heart goes out to you. I am sitting next to my son choking back tears as I understand things better now and I'd not wish your life on my worst enemy.

There is much more to this now and we all need to help you out of this situation, I think it has moved on from benefits and getting you out of the house. you must speak to Womens Aid though, I think they will be the people to get you out. They have drop incentres where you can go for all kinds of help, they can relocate you and also move you to a safe house.

Can I suggest you post on the families board again asking if anyone has experience with being relocated via womens aid or a refuge and ask if they can PM you some help. I think, while it does not sound very nice, you need to see if you can go to a womens refuge as they will keep you safe and help you deal with the day to day things you are now going to encounter. Do not worry about work - jobs will come and go and once you are safe and secure and you are feeling better about yourself, you can get another job and will have more confidence to do the job better.

I also understand about your neighbour but now YOU and THE KIDS need to come first. If you leave and there is no-one to care for your neighbour then call Social Services and tell them, they will deal with him.

Admiting this is the first step to getting help as now we understand more to be able to help you move on. this is going to be VERY hard but you can do this and it'll be the start of a new life for you I promise.

RAS

demir

Thank you for explaining the situation. I think it might help if you read this guide from the Marriages and family page https://forums.moneysavingexpert.com/discussion/1276963 it covers economic abuse, which includes isolation and the sort of money rationing that you have experienced.

Please consider taking a few other actions to protect yourself and your children.

I am full of admiration for your courage and for your determination to improve yourself and make a life for your children, but I think you need to seriously consider a little time in a refuge. Amongst other things that would make a restraining order or alternative housing much easier to sort out. And they will have contacts who can help with the benefits side.

I am going to ask another OP to come over here and as blue monkey suggests, there have been other posters on the marriage forum who have experience of DV and getting out of it.

demir2424

I know the lady at CAB said she had looked over my past notes - I think I have used them a few times for advice over divorce, if he took the kids to turkey (which he wanted to do in October), employment issues etc
And she asked me if I was scared of my husband - I said no.
I am not scared of him, just scared of things he might do to me and the kids. He is nice and helpful one day and then the next day I find out why - there is always a reason for his actions. In October he bought nappies, wipes, etc and took me out for my 30th and wined a dined me, then asks if he can take the eldest to turkey for 2 weeks (me and my family went mad which is why the passports are locked away in my mother's house). I would worry on a monday - I currently work 7.30 - 7.00 - if he offered to have the kids or pick them up early I would think - is he taking them to turkey?