Struggling mum of 2 - where do I turn for help??

Debicj

RAS wrote: »

Hi

I rarely say this, but in this case, I think the OP would be better to stop working for a while.

1. Given the job offer she has, she cannot earn enought o cover the child care costs.
2. She will have to pay her legal fees if she works, which might well be legally aided if she stops working.
3. She needs time to find alternative accomodation and organise and settle in.

I totally agree. At the moment the OP has enough stress dealing with the children, who will no doubt benefit more from her being less stressed and home with them more. I have been in this situation and I took a year out to spend at home with my kids. This wasn't through choice but my ex left 3 days after I had gone on maternity leave and it was impossible for me to go back to work in the circumstances. Looking back it was for the best. It gave me time to sort myself out.

If not working, the OP should get approx. £200 per week and all council tax and rent paid plus any maintenance paid for the kids. Maybe renting in the private sector would be best for her. She could start afresh and stop the invasion of privacy by the ex. She needs to stop letting him interfere. He's only trying to get things to suit him and bully her into doing what he wants. It has to stop before she can move on with her life.

However, if the house is in joint names, she should take advice and make sure that she gets taken off the mortgage so she isn't liable for any debts that the ex may get into if he keeps it.

blue_monkey_2

demir2424 wrote: »

I think it's because since my husband left the eldest has regressed (not using toilet) and is violent and quite an angry little boy. I think it is because all he sees is mummy crying or angry at daddy.

And this is why you need help D. No-one will know what tablets you are on UNLESS they break that confidentiality.

Is he trying to get the kids? he does not even see them. This is why you need a GOOD family law solicitor. They will not take the kids from you because you have depression you know, it does not matter what rumours he spreads really.

I think that this weekend you need to have a really good think and put everything into perspective. What have you got to lose by giving up your job - OR - by going sick.

Change your GP if you are worried about them knowing things about you. Be honest with the new ones, they need to know everything to be able to help you.

I know people are saying about moving out but it is hard when you have no money for a deposit and rent, and this is the sitution the OP is in. So if she leaves, where exactly does she go?

Debicj

demir2424 wrote: »

I think it's because since my husband left the eldest has regressed (not using toilet) and is violent and quite an angry little boy. I think it is because all he sees is mummy crying or angry at daddy.

Try not to let the kids see you upset and don't mention the ex in front of them if it makes you angry. I know it's hard, but my son is now 12 years old and I have had lots of trouble with him that may or may not have been caused by his dad leaving when I was pregnant. I know he feels that somehow he was to blame even though I have always told him that he wasn't. I found it very hard to contain my feelings regarding his father and this did cause problems. However, my ex and I can now be civil to each other and the kids see him regularly, so there is a light at the ends of the tunnel for you. It will take time but things will be OK for you eventually.

Debicj

blue_monkey wrote: »

And this is why you need help D.
I know people are saying about moving out but it is hard when you have no money for a deposit and rent, and this is the sitution the OP is in. So if she leaves, where exactly does she go?

She may be able to get a deposit from a fund operated by the benefits dept. I can't think what it's called, but they lend you the money and stop a small amount each week from your benefit for the next year or so to pay it back.

If no help is available for a deposit, then sell anything like furniture, beds etc. to raise the cash. Then once in the new place help will be available for furniture etc. or sometimes you can get it free from charities.

RAS

demir2424 wrote: »

I think it's because since my husband left the eldest has regressed (not using toilet) and is violent and quite an angry little boy. I think it is because all he sees is mummy crying or angry at daddy.

Hi

Whatever else happens you need to behave as if everything is OK in front of the kids, even when you do not feel OK.

RAS

demir2424 wrote: »

I can't take anti-depressants or admit I feel down because of all the rumours my husband has already spread about be being mentally unstable and on so much medication (when 7 months pregnant) that I didn't know what day of the week it was.
It would just give him further fuel.
I am best just plodding on x

demir

Can I check please.

Is there any reason why you cannot register with a different GP practice, please?

Also, even though I have not read the whole of your thread, I get the sense that you live on a fairly close community? Perhaps one based on religious background?

If so, are your expecting certain memebers of that community to be more supportive of your ex than of you, because of their religious and cultural beliefs?

I do not want to offend but it may be that our expectations of outcomes and yours are rather different?

NickyBat

blue_monkey wrote: »

You are not a bad parent demir you are having a rough time. i agree you need to go and see your GP, do not be ashamed of needing help. I think everyone on here at some time or another, has needed it.

First and foremost. Does your solicitor specialise in Family law? You MUST have a solicitor who specilises in family law. I cannot believe a solicitor would advise a lone parent to get out of the house and make herself homeless when there is a partner who can pay the mortgage.

Can you turn this new job down and stay in the old one?

I'd also stop paying the mortgage and pay for your childs childcare with that money. Let HIM sort the house out - you can go on the council list!!

This was my reason for asking if she had spoken to a solicitor - good advice

demir2424

I could register with another gp but it is such a small community where everybody knows everybodies business. And i would be working with staff from the other gp surgery.

I am white, british and of catholic upbringing. My ex husband and his family are originally from turkey and of muslim faith where womens rights mean very little.

hlmurray

Sorry if this has already been said but have you double checked your tax credits??? As a single mother of 2 i work part time, earn slightly more then you and my childcare costs are less then £100 a week and i get £200 a week tax credits??
Are there any charity run nurserys/childcare centres near you?? is the eldest child not now entitled to free funded sessions??
Also was in a similar situation to you and found moving into rented accom was my best bet, now I get £350 a month housing benefit towards my £580 rent. We are in a zero deposit scheme where i pay £12.50 a month for landlord insurance instead of an upfront deposit.
CSA took more then 4 months to catch up with my ex, despite having his address and contact number and dated the claim from when they spoke with him and not when i claimed from. Because he is self employed (earning approx £500 a week) he was able to offset his 'costs' and in the end they awarded me £10 a week. I never even pursued the claim, £10 wouldn't support a dog.
It does get easier even if everything seems awful now, we are now completely on top of things and you will be to.
If you can't go to the doctors can you try something herbal like st johns wort??

demir2424

Also my husband and his family believe in the islamic/turkish legal system in which during divorce the mother gets custody of male children and the father of female children. Female children remain in the fathers custody until they marry, male children remain with the mother until 13, when they must decide to live with either their father or a chossen male relative.
Also a man can divorce a woman, but a woman must get permission to divorce from husband and his family.
I read everything I could on islamic/turkish law when he left last year.
He said in July that his sister and mother recommended we divorce in ankara as it is cheaper and they have a family lawyer who is good out there. Turkish divorce court is quicker (we married in a turkey)I told him to get lost as I knew he wanted me to go and get confused with all the different laws and mistranslate paperwork.