Can ex wife change child contact arrangements?

BARGAINHUNTER!

post deleted

Jewel_2

My daughter is at my ex's at the mo and it looks as if she may not get back for Christmas, which will be the third Christmas in a row. She's 12 nearly.

She didn't want to go this time. She is sick and tired of having to make everyone happy in this ever expanding family of hers and she wants to just stay put.

Blink and you miss their childhood, and so do they, with all the swapping and changing around.

I can rest a bit now because she's old enough to make her own mind up (although I did say she needed to go). But I'm not doing it any more, she can choose what she does.

If I were you OP I would take all your family and any extras to the mums house. They should be with her this year, but you can go there.

Jewel_2

BARGAINHUNTER! wrote: »

My partner approached her and put a suggestion on the table, which she turned down flat and she put another offer on the table which he accepted to keep the peace and to ensure that the children got to see their Mum on Christmas day. Although he would have liked to pick them up mid afternoon on Christmas Day, this was refused, saying it was her way or he wouldn't see them at all.

He also put the suggestion forward that they continue with the contact pattern as it was from September after Christmas but she has also turned this down flat, instead saying that he can have them every other weekend from Saturday lunchtime until Sunday tea time. Again, she said that it was either this or he would not see them at all and she would suspend contact altogether. This is a dramatic reduction from his Tues, Thurs one week, Tues, Fri, Sat Sun the next and will mean that he wont get to pick them up from school, drop them off at school, be involved in homework (homework given Monday to be handed in Fri), do ballet or swimming runs. So it looks like after the New Year he is going to have to go to court to get a judge to decide. He is absolutely distraught.

What's the distance between the houses? Is there any other reason she's narked (ie, is maintenance paid on time, full amount etc?)

In my experience, although I think 50/50 shared care is best for both parents (and fair) its not so good for the kids - unless everyone is amicable. Most NRPs usually see their kids every other weekend, at least for sleeping. I'm not saying this is good for your OH, but in some respects it may be best for the children?

delain

BARGAINHUNTER! wrote: »

Why on earth can't the law be changed so that there is a 50/50 split or as near damn it, thats fair on everyone, including the children.

No it's not the slightest bit fair on the children. Been there, done that, taken 3 years for my children to get over it.

newcook

Jewel wrote: »

If I were you OP I would take all your family and any extras to the mums house. They should be with her this year, but you can go there.

Jewel, normally I agree with you as you do give some good advice but are you seriously suggesting that OP, OP's kids and her partner go to the partners ex's house?! bearing in mind that it is OP that partner left ex for...
if I was ex and this happened I would be absolutely fuming!!

Jewel_2

newcook wrote: »

Jewel, normally I agree with you as you do give some good advice but are you seriously suggesting that OP, OP's kids and her partner go to the partners ex's house?! bearing in mind that it is OP that partner left ex for...
if I was ex and this happened I would be absolutely fuming!!

I was being a bit tongue in cheek. The op expects the partner's ex to go there, so why not the other way around. I am sure she doesn't want to go to the ex wife's house either, but she expects the ex wife to go there.

I wouldn't spend five minutes watching my ex and his wife playing happy families, and he wouldn't want to watch us playing happy families either.

Jewel_2

delain wrote: »

No it's not the slightest bit fair on the children. Been there, done that, taken 3 years for my children to get over it.

Same here. Every christmas more or less ruined for my DD by having to be here, there and everywhere. I don't remember a stressfree christmas, access wise. What a nightmare.

dundeedoll_2

BARGAINHUNTER! wrote: »

My partner and I do not live together and I have children and an ex of my own (and me my children and my ex will be spending the day together by ourselves) so I don't even come into the equation, and quite rightly so! My partner and I will be having our Christmas after Christmas if that makes sense! Ive absolutely no idea what would happen next Christmas! Me and my ex sit down and discuss Christmas a couple of months in advance (there is no chance of my partner and his ex doing this, they don't speak). Sometimes my ex has taken our children abroad to stay with his parents over Christmas but I was cool with that.

Jewel wrote: »

I was being a bit tongue in cheek. The op expects the partner's ex to go there, so why not the other way around. I am sure she doesn't want to go to the ex wife's house either, but she expects the ex wife to go there.

I wouldn't spend five minutes watching my ex and his wife playing happy families, and he wouldn't want to watch us playing happy families either.

I may be totally wrong, but the way I read the OP's post, she would not be involved at all.
Her OH, his ex wife and their 2 children would spend the day together.
The OP would spend it with her ex and their children.

delain

dundeedoll wrote: »

I may be totally wrong, but the way I read the OP's post, she would not be involved at all.
Her OH, his ex wife and their 2 children would spend the day together.
The OP would spend it with her ex and their children.

Much respect to them for keeping it civilised. Put me and my ex in the same room without supervision I'd be a nervous wreck, not to mention I don't like having my face spat in on Christmas day!

sulkisu

Jewel wrote: »

Same here. Every christmas more or less ruined for my DD by having to be here, there and everywhere. I don't remember a stressfree christmas, access wise. What a nightmare.

Totally agree. My OH split with his ex when his children were 2 and 5 (14 years ago). They have spent every christmas with their mother. Of course he wanted them with him some of the time, but his ex made it clear that she wasn't going to agree. He decided that he wanted his kids to have good christmas memories and not see it as the begining of an annual battle between their parents. Especially as he ex went on to have more children, and he knew that his kids would want to spend christmas with their siblings.
They have a day out with their dad in the lead up to christmas and he takes them out for lunch or dinner on christmas eve. He also goes around for an hour on christmas day to give them their presents. He has undoubtedly missed out over the years, but to me this is a true example of putting the needs of your kids first.

This year will be slightly different as they have said that they want to spend the night with us on christmas eve and go back to their mother on christmas afternoon. At their ages (16 and 19), mum can hardly object.