Rent = Happy Girlfriend or Buy = Moody Girlfriend

BigTone

Pee wrote: »

I think both of you have good points. You are being very sensible about it all and I can see why a city apartment wouldn't suit you, but can also see why, especially with her being able to walk to work it would suit her.

I think it can be harder for women to live at home longer, something about the dynamics of the mother-son and mother-daughter relationship. On the other hand, you have concerns about her lack of savings and what your budget will be.

The answer is to talk it over with her and come to a compromise that you both feel happy with. If you move out into rented accomodation, who pays what. Is it 50/50? I think living together in a rented place before you take the huge step of buying together is important. On the other hand I appreciate that once you start renting saving for a deposit become a lot harder and maybe even impossible - fortunately not with the incomes you both have.

If you can't agree this and find a way forward, now is the best time to find out rather than have joint liabilities with a person you may not be financially compatable with.

It would have to be 50/50 at the moment as I have alot more outgoings than she does which I will have to maintain.

We have also been down this road before, the 50/50 argument, as yes I do earn more than her, but I work 12hr days 13 days on 1 off = 90hr weeks, wereas she works 37hrs a week and would have alot more time at home.

Sometimes my home is just a bed.

BigTone

quantic wrote: »

I feel your pain, your situation sounds very similar to mine. My girlfriend doesn't have too much bad debt (except car finance, student loan) but she does spend pretty much every penny of her wage each month, even though she lives at home and contributes nothing. Shes getting better though. My girlfriend got herself a little money book and started writing down what she spends, over the past 3 months she has started to curb her spending and no longer uses her overdraft every month

Ah - parents giving her deposit, thats tricky. She will likely have no value for the money in that case. Also, if you end up paying for most of it, or end up rending/buying on your own. You need to be careful as I feel you will end up resenting her if your wage goes on putting a house over your heads and hers goes on "treating herself".

That will not happen, I won't let myself get into that situation.

BigTone

kazwookie wrote: »

A list for you to give her to think about.

Current debt
Deposit for rental
Rent
Council tax
Electricity
Gas
Water
Land line
Mobile
TV Licence
Food
Washing powder / cleaning stuff
Clothing
Bus / train fares
Petrol
Contents insurance
Furniture
Carpet
Curtains
crockery / cutlery etc
(I know not all will apply, and others might need addding in but you get the idea)

Get her to put some monthly £ beside each of these, then add it up, that is how much she needs, get her to think.

Thankyou, I will use this list, do one myself and then ask her to do one, it may put things into perspective

Thundercat_2

Hi there! I thought I would reply because I was a little like your girlfriend about 10 years ago (without the debt though!!).

I spent all my salary every month and never really thought about the future and saving to buy my own place. Then I met my husband, who was the total opposite of me and had been saving for years to get a deposit and savings behind him so that when the time came he would be ready to buy. What a wake up call that was!! As we got more and more serious over time and I realised this was the man I wanted to spend the rest of my life with, I felt more and more guilty that I had nothing (financially) to bring to the relationship. Over the course of the next 2 years I saved as hard as I could to match his £20k deposit when we came to buy our first house. I managed to do it (admittedly it helped that I was earning £50k a year) and felt fantastic that we had contributed equally to our purchase.

There are many of your posts that concern me though. I don't think that this relationship is a particularly fair one if your girlfriend is willing to spend all her money each month and yet place demands on you about renting together. How does she expect to pay bills, rent etc if she's not capable of saving anything and clearing her debts now? She clearly understands what your long term plan is but still fails to put anything aside to help for the future.

I'm sorry to say it but I think this will always be the case and her view is very much "what's hers is hers and what's yours is hers"!!! I can't see that she will ever have a responsible attitude to money and will expect you to fund her living arrangements, while her money funds her lifestyle. It's not a good basis for a relationship and if I were you I would be seriously looking to buy my own place in the future and maybe allow her to live with me and see how things go. At least then if she doesn't change her habits you will always have your house. What would happen if you rented or bought a place together and she continued to avoid paying her way and perhaps got herself into more debt, without considering the impact on you? You could end up in serious financial difficulty.

On the other hand you could rent together for 6 months to see if she is actually willing to change her ways and pay what is expected of her. If it turns out that she won't do that, then at least you know where you stand for the future and my guess is that you'll have to base your plans on your own salary and just let her spend hers if you want to stay together.

I really don't want to put a complete dampener on things, but it does seem at the moment that she's taking you for a ride. Proceed with caution and I really hope everything works out for you.

Emmzi

she does not appear to want to live with you more than she wants shoes, wine, holidays, clothes. Actions speak louder than words.

I would be very wary of taking on a mini-wag. She sounds very immature and like she is looking for a meal ticket to get her out from daddy's control rather than a true partnership.

There are hundreds of women out there who would love a responsible bloke like you, and will work in an more equal partnership with you.

I would move on before you're trapped with a baby in a money pit. Find a grown up while there is still time. You've given her enough chances to change - she isn't going to - let her find a footballer.

Pee

BigTone wrote: »

It would have to be 50/50 at the moment as I have alot more outgoings than she does which I will have to maintain.

We have also been down this road before, the 50/50 argument, as yes I do earn more than her, but I work 12hr days 13 days on 1 off = 90hr weeks, wereas she works 37hrs a week and would have alot more time at home.

Sometimes my home is just a bed.

Which explains why where you live isn't so important to you, wheras she may be spending a lot more time in your new home.

I think if you discuss that it has to be 50/50 and you draw up a budget and ideally get her to stick to that for a few months, she might realise that she doesn't have the money to be moving out just yet. There are other options like shared housing, but that can be difficult for a couple and create additional problems.

puddy

my partner is like this, he is a grown man with adult children and was a widowed single parent when he bought them up so im afraid i dont see this as a 'grow up' thing. people are either irresponsible and dont face up to reality or they get their lbm and they take responsibility

im telling you from my experience that you will face nothing but trouble if she cant grasp the concept of being frugal and facing reality

regardless of her fathers deposit for the property you may end up buying one day, she will still need money for insurances, maintanance, servicing of boilers etc etc, all very unattractive, not cool things

wha happens when she eventually gets her licence and wants a car? thats right, she'll buy something nice and flash and take out another loan for it

i would just put to her that she can do what she wants, she can move from her father's into rented if she wants but you wont be going with her and she will have to fund this herself

dont be lending her any money, when you go out together ask for petrol money, ask her to pay for dinner, dont give her flash birthday and xmas presents. she is out of control and unless she changes you will end up bankrupt as a couple. what would she do if you lost your job?

BigTone

Thundercat wrote: »

Hi there! I thought I would reply because I was a little like your girlfriend about 10 years ago (without the debt though!!).

I spent all my salary every month and never really thought about the future and saving to buy my own place. Then I met my husband, who was the total opposite of me and had been saving for years to get a deposit and savings behind him so that when the time came he would be ready to buy. What a wake up call that was!! As we got more and more serious over time and I realised this was the man I wanted to spend the rest of my life with, I felt more and more guilty that I had nothing (financially) to bring to the relationship. Over the course of the next 2 years I saved as hard as I could to match his £20k deposit when we came to buy our first house. I managed to do it (admittedly it helped that I was earning £50k a year) and felt fantastic that we had contributed equally to our purchase.

There are many of your posts that concern me though. I don't think that this relationship is a particularly fair one if your girlfriend is willing to spend all her money each month and yet place demands on you about renting together. How does she expect to pay bills, rent etc if she's not capable of saving anything and clearing her debts now? She clearly understands what your long term plan is but still fails to put anything aside to help for the future.

I'm sorry to say it but I think this will always be the case and her view is very much "what's hers is hers and what's yours is hers"!!! I can't see that she will ever have a responsible attitude to money and will expect you to fund her living arrangements, while her money funds her lifestyle. It's not a good basis for a relationship and if I were you I would be seriously looking to buy my own place in the future and maybe allow her to live with me and see how things go. At least then if she doesn't change her habits you will always have your house. What would happen if you rented or bought a place together and she continued to avoid paying her way and perhaps got herself into more debt, without considering the impact on you? You could end up in serious financial difficulty.

On the other hand you could rent together for 6 months to see if she is actually willing to change her ways and pay what is expected of her. If it turns out that she won't do that, then at least you know where you stand for the future and my guess is that you'll have to base your plans on your own salary and just let her spend hers if you want to stay together.

I really don't want to put a complete dampener on things, but it does seem at the moment that she's taking you for a ride. Proceed with caution and I really hope everything works out for you.

Gutted, I seriously hope that is not the case as we have been through some bad times and always stuck together, I think that she has the, I want it now! attitude, which will not work with me.

I think I will say to her to save £300 per month for 6 months then we MAY rent somewhere, I will also state that the £300 per month is just the tip of the iceberg as there are alot of other factors/expenses involved, then if she is ready to take the next step up to £500 per month we give it a shot.

At least then she will have a bit of a buffer saved up, which she could use to clear a credit card or something.

Jowo_2

How much board do you pay to your parents and how much extra would you have to pay for this flat? Assuming its £600 for the rent, you'd need to find another £250-300 on top for utilities, insurance, council tax, water, tv, broadband, phone.

You could always tell your GF to go ahead with renting a flat - in her sole name, and with all the bills in her name and you'll pay her lodgings of no more than half (£450pcm) and then a half share of the groceris. That way she has to do all the admin relating to the rental and the services and when she gains an understanding of her exposure to the risks, the true expense of it all and you are clear that there will be no extra subsidies, perhaps she'll face a long hard lesson about financial responsibility.

If the bills and rental contract are in her sole name, you protect yourself from her financial recklessness and you also get a trial to see what it's like to live in close proximity to someone with a different attitude to money and lifestyle. See it as a 'try before you buy' to shake out any issues before you buy a place together.

JimmyTheWig

BigTone wrote: »

I can only see things getting worse if we have an additional £600PCM to rent, never mind the bills that go with it.

That, to me, is a reason to rent before you buy.

BitterAndTwisted wrote: »

With £5k in debt and her having debts as well I doubt that any landlord would accept you as a tenant. This should be your argument for not going ahead with this crazy plan until you are BOTH solvent and have some savings.

If that is true then why not go ahead with the plan. View a few places. Getting rejected due to debt might be a good wake-up call.