What to do with gf and mother???

lar316

Just a quick update. Things have been quite bad this last week. Lots of arguements about me seeing my parents alone and also me speaking to my sister to makes things up. Un beknown to me, I recieved a text off my sister on my phone on Monday evening saying that she loved me etc. My gf read the text and deleted it without me knowing about it. She told me later about the text. For some reason I didn't hit roof but later that evening I really thought about it, that was a really bad and petty thing to do. Any opinions on that please?

I've been sleeping on the sofa ever since seeing my family. We've tried talking and i've tried getting my point across about feeling abused and controlled over the last couple of years, but it's denied and ridiculed. I've given examples of her behaviour and most match the signs and symptoms of emotional abuse but again it's brushed to one side and dismissed. She's spoke to her friends about it all and they think i'm the one who is treating her bad. I trully think that she doesn't think that she has/is controlling abusing me.

I'm going to counselling on Monday through work. My gf wont come and is ridiculing it. She says it wont work and she wont be changed. I said i've got to try something to help this relationship but she says we've got to work it out between us. How can we do that if i've been trying for a long time now. It's like banging my head against a brick wall. If I back down now it'll just go the same me being controlled. She's looking for another house, furniture etc so I feel if I'm damned if i seek help and damned if i don't.

Does anyone think i'm being unreasonable? Am I doing the right thing by seeking help? Has anybody else been through a controlling/ emotionally abusive relationship before? Did it work out in the end?


Many thanks in advance

cheepskate_2

lar316 wrote: »

but she says we've got to work it out between us.

From what youve said this means, I want things to go my way, I walk over you at the minuite and i dont want anybody to tell you/ me i do. If anybody does tell you/me i am controlling you, then it takes the power away from me .. It then makes me look bad and id rather have other people looking bad at any cost

Sorry but her ex got a lucky escape.

this relationship is going to fail, how long you put up with it will mean hoiw much of a hammering your confidence takes.

If this was a woman posting, this forum would be up in arms , just because its a woman doing the controlling doesnt make it any different.

Mojisola

lar316 wrote: »

Just a quick update. Things have been quite bad this last week. Lots of arguements about me seeing my parents alone and also me speaking to my sister to makes things up. Un beknown to me, I recieved a text off my sister on my phone on Monday evening saying that she loved me etc. My gf read the text and deleted it without me knowing about it. She told me later about the text. For some reason I didn't hit roof but later that evening I really thought about it, that was a really bad and petty thing to do. Any opinions on that please?

Totally unacceptable!

I've been sleeping on the sofa ever since seeing my family. We've tried talking and i've tried getting my point across about feeling abused and controlled over the last couple of years, but it's denied and ridiculed.

Well, she would, wouldn't she? The whole point of controlling someone is making them think they are in the wrong all the time.

I've given examples of her behaviour and most match the signs and symptoms of emotional abuse but again it's brushed to one side and dismissed. She's spoke to her friends about it all and they think i'm the one who is treating her bad. I trully think that she doesn't think that she has/is controlling abusing me.

Her friends are only hearing what she tells them. Take no notice of their opinions. If she really doesn't think she is controlling you, then it's very unlikely that you will be able to save this relationship.

I'm going to counselling on Monday through work. My gf wont come and is ridiculing it. She says it wont work and she wont be changed. I said i've got to try something to help this relationship but she says we've got to work it out between us. How can we do that if i've been trying for a long time now. It's like banging my head against a brick wall. If I back down now it'll just go the same me being controlled. She's looking for another house, furniture etc so I feel if I'm damned if i seek help and damned if i don't.

Does anyone think i'm being unreasonable? Am I doing the right thing by seeking help? Has anybody else been through a controlling/ emotionally abusive relationship before? Did it work out in the end?

No, I think you should go for the counselling and see how it goes. Now you've got this far, you couldn't actually go back to doing everything her way, could you?

Errata

Has anybody else been through a controlling/ emotionally abusive relationship before? Did it work out in the end?

Are you being serious? Thousands of people, men as well as women, experience this type of relationship; many of the women find it works out in the end with them being killed.
Google domestic violence and read the stories of these relationships.

lar316

cheepskate wrote: »

Sorry but her ex got a lucky escape.

I think I know why she is being like this. In her previous marriage, her ex husband was an alcoholic and he abused her with violence, jealousy and controlling behaviour. This hasn't just come from her, but also her family.

Do you think that in this case the abused has turned into the abuser? I've mentioned this to her and again she ridicules it.

Mojisola

lar316 wrote: »

I think I know why she is being like this. In her previous marriage, her ex husband was an alcoholic and he abused her with violence, jealousy and controlling behaviour. This hasn't just come from her, but also her family.

Do you think that in this case the abused has turned into the abuser? I've mentioned this to her and again she ridicules it.

It could be a reaction - she's gone overboard on making sure she isn't going to be controlled again - but she should be sensitive to your feelings and willing to look at her behaviour.

rosered1963

Hi OP.

I agree with the other posters.

I think also that you have lost some perspective here.....here are some questions for you to ask yourself:

-Why on earth are you with this woman? Why do you think that what happened in her life before she met you excuses her behaviour?

-Why are you putting up with it? Aren't you worth more than this?

-How can you let anyone control who you speak to, and what you say to other people?

-Is this woman really capable of equal, trusting and honest love? If not, why are you wasting your time?

-Why do you assume that YOU are the problem?

-Don't you know how short llife is? This behaviour will only get worse and your confidence will decrease and you will begin to question your own judgment, until you become HELPLESS.

Don't be a victim any longer of manipulation and emotional blackmail. Start standing up for yourself.

I don't mean to be harsh. But, you need to hear it.

January20

I think it was unacceptable to read your text message and then delete it. It's a breach of trust, not the reading of the text, but deleting it. Basically, she is checking the messages, deleting those you are not allowed to read and therefore treating you like you are not equals. She is the boss. She decides. I can't believe you didn't hit the roof! How dare she delete a text message from your sister?

She ridicules your comments and your attempts at getting help through counselling because she is scared you are going to fully realise the state of your relationship, how much she controls you and she is afraid to lose that control. You have already taken a step against her control by visiting and talking to your family without her consent, when she tried her hardest to isolate you from them. She can see you slipping away from her control. What is she like with your friends? Are you allowed friends or has she made it so difficult for you that you have given up on having friends?

Take what she says about her own friends with a pinch of salt. They are HER friends. They get her side of the story and, of course, she could just be making it up.

If she stops you going to counselling, she has won a small battle towards getting back control because you won't get any help. You need to go to counselling. The more I read about your story, the more it's obvious the problem is not your mother or your sister, it's not even you, it's your partner!

As rosered1963 said, life is short, but also you have a son. Do you want him to witness his father being crushed by his partner? Would you want your son to follow in your footsteps?

ETA: in an earlier post you said that your partner wants your sister to apologise to her, and your sister won't. Do you think your sister should apologise to your partner? Did your sister really do something that warrants an apology or is your partner being pig-headed about the situation?

Lance

There is a stigma regarding men and emotional abuse.... and physical abuse tbh. Women can talk to each other about it but if a man says to male / female work mates / pals / boss that he is being emotionally abused he may well regret it. Men generally don't advertise that their much smaller wife beats them up. I think the OP's partner wants him to 'man up' and kick some !!!, but not hers. His family probably want the same. It does sound like OP should do some straight talking to all concerned and say what HE is going to do and how HE feels and proceed with that route. OP may well want to please all sides and have a happy ending but that does not sound likely.

lar316

January20 wrote: »

She ridicules your comments and your attempts at getting help through counselling because she is scared you are going to fully realise the state of your relationship, how much she controls you and she is afraid to lose that control. You have already taken a step against her control by visiting and talking to your family without her consent, when she tried her hardest to isolate you from them. She can see you slipping away from her control. What is she like with your friends? Are you allowed friends or has she made it so difficult for you that you have given up on having friends?

I don't stay in touch with my friends from "back home" as they were still speaking to my ex keeping her up to date with everything about me and my partner now. My gf now didn't like this and isolated me against them over a few years. My friends in the area I live now are isolated from me except from when i'm at work. If i get a text off them etc i've got to delete it in case she reads them and therefore preventing an arguement.