What to do with gf and mother???

Mojisola

lar316 wrote: »

At 3am I put the ball in her court and said that she can do what she wants, I won't be threatened anymore as she does all the time. I'm sick of trying if she won't try with me. Looks like i'm going have to prepare to accept that i'm not going to tuck my kids into bed every night. Why won't people get help when they need it???

Well done for standing your ground. It's probably the first time for years that anyone has done this to her and she's going to feel very off-centre now. What usually works suddenly isn't any more.

She may try to get more extreme in the hope of forcing you to give in, she may be unable to cope and walk out or she may realise that losing you would be a big mistake and start to come round.

However this ends, you will be better off not being controlled by her.

RAS

Hi

Well done so far.

With respect to your GF, expect things to get seriously worse before they get better; being human means that when something does not work, we try the same thing again only more forcefully. Think of people shouting at those who are deaf or do not speak English.

Try to avoid "but".

The message is I love you and the way you are behaving is not acceptable.

And keep saying I love you.

Ignore the counselling if she will not do it. Go for yourself.

lar316

RAS wrote: »

Hi

Well done so far.

With respect to your GF, expect things to get seriously worse before they get better; being human means that when something does not work, we try the same thing again only more forcefully. Think of people shouting at those who are deaf or do not speak English.

Try to avoid "but".

The message is I love you and the way you are behaving is not acceptable.

And keep saying I love you.

Ignore the counselling if she will not do it. Go for yourself.

That sounds do-able. Many thanks for that advice. I just wish she acknowledged that she/we have problems and that I want to sort it no matter what it takes as I don't want to lose her and the kids.

LilacLouisa

red_devil wrote: »

i think the mother should treat them equally how would she like to have been treated differently if she was the stepdaughter? Why cant people think how they would like it?

I think you are being unfair to his Mum in all this condemnation of her. He has said she was always nice to the girls and sent presents etc. Now her son has had a son of his own and that must have aroused powerful emotions in her, and why shouldn't she feel like that?

Maybe she will be able to look at things objectively in a while but maybe not, but I don't think she should be criticised for what is a natural emotion.

Just as a comaprison, I know parents who have adoped a child and then have been lucky enough to have a baby. Some of them have said that although they still love and care for the adopted child and try to treat both children exactly the same, the same depth of feeling isn't there.

sueeve

This is so painful for you, and made more complicated by the fact that you have a child together. But it could not go on the way that it is. Things may wll get worse before they get better. Have you a shoulder to - metaphorically or actually) cry on. I hope the board does that, but an actual presence gives an extra dimension.

paddy's_mum

I keep getting this uneasy feeling that her behaviour, her attitude to your family, and her anger are all reactions based on fear and insecurity.

If that is the case, could it be that discussing matters that her/your child and she herself are at the heart of, behind her back, and without any chance of her being able to defend herself against misconceptions or wrong-end-of-the-stick allegations during that conversation is the absolute worst thing you could possibly have done? Asking her "the other week" to be involved is not really including her in such vital matters, is it?

I mean no criticism of you whatever but in her shoes, being discussed (which she might well view as being torn apart) by people who she views as hostile to her would perhaps be putting a lit match into a powder keg.

What you can do when someone refuses to hear your point of view is an impossible question to answer but it strikes me that a great deal of communication ought to happen as well as some heads need banging together - your mother for her thoughtless and hurtful favouritism, your sister for being arrogant enough to refuse to apologise and heal an injured relationship and you for stating that you are quite happy to use the children to metaphorically clout their aunt in punishment.

Put like that, your partner's tantrums aren't quite so unreasonable as they first sound, are they? I suspect that I too would be very wary of what you are telling my 'enemies' in your phone calls and I'd be livid that all this clearing of the air had taken place without my knowledge, consent or participation.

I hope it all works out for each and every one of you. Good luck.

lar316

paddy's_mum wrote: »

What you can do when someone refuses to hear your point of view is an impossible question to answer but it strikes me that a great deal of communication ought to happen as well as some heads need banging together - your mother for her thoughtless and hurtful favouritism, your sister for being arrogant enough to refuse to apologise and heal an injured relationship and you for stating that you are quite happy to use the children to metaphorically clout their aunt in punishment.

I would like to thank you for your opinion on this post but i had to comment on your comment lol. It was my partner who pulls all the strings in terms of who sees the kids etc. And it's her who said unless my sister apologises then the kids won't have my sister as an aunty. Hope that clears it a little bit. I just wish I could put them all in a boxing ring and let them sort it out lol.

Craftyscholar

Craftyscholar wrote: »

Sadly at least the girls will know right from the start how your mother feels about them.
I always took it for granted that my Grandma saw me as her granddaughter until I was in my twenties - for various reasons I was living at home.
My mother could no longer cope with her needs, and friends (who did not know the situation) had to tell us that she had been complaining that she should still be living with her daughter and being cared for as she was mum's flesh and blood and I was adopted so had less right. I still remember the shock of discovering that was how 'my grandma' felt about me.

LilacLouisa wrote: »

but I don't think she should be criticised for what is a natural emotion.

Just as a comparison, I know parents who have adopted a child and then have been lucky enough to have a baby. Some of them have said that although they still love and care for the adopted child and try to treat both children exactly the same, the same depth of feeling isn't there.

Oh, so spending most my life feeling 'not good enough' 'if my birth parents didn't want me why should anyone else' wasn't just me being silly but perfectly normal - after all one can only truly love ones own flesh and blood.

Words fail me.:mad:

OP - sorry for hijacking, but this is a bit too close to home.

lar316

Craftyscholar wrote: »

Oh, so spending most my life feeling 'not good enough' 'if my birth parents didn't want me why should anyone else' wasn't just me being silly but perfectly normal - after all one can only truly love ones own flesh and blood.

Words fail me.:mad:

OP - sorry for hijacking, but this is a bit too close to home.

No need to apologise.:)

I had no idea so many people would offer their own various opinions and advice, im really grateful for it. I hope me asking for all these opinions etc haven't affected you in a bad way too much, if that makes sense.

Craftyscholar

lar316 wrote: »

No need to apologise.:)

I had no idea so many people would offer their own various opinions and advice, im really grateful for it. I hope me asking for all these opinions etc haven't affected you in a bad way too much, if that makes sense.

No problem - just reminded me that some things are buried rather than dealt with IYSWIM.

However it does highlight the problems which seem to be getting more common where new relationships are being formed and there are endless permutations of full-, step-, half-, siblings.