What to do with gf and mother???

Jinx

Firstly I would say go and see your grandad.... its something you CAN do whether you take your family or not, make it happen.

With regards to your mum, while you cant force her to treat the little ones the same you can tell her that you and your wife and the children are one family and that you feel it would be best to treat them the same in terms of presents etc as when your son gets a little bigger it will be obvious hes being treated more favourably. Appeal to the fact shes a mother. She will want you to be happy so perhaps a heart to heart in private? If she insists blood kin are more important, how about her saving in an account for your sons 21st so that its not publicly shown she prefers him. By then all the children will be adults.

Finally, it sounds like your wife is feeling insecure about the situation and I think you need to continue being loving and supportive. Being monitored is not the way to do it, it gives her more control which I think she would then see as 'normal' so then she wants more control... You are entitled to say what you want to who you want and I dont think in this case pandering to her helps really.

You sound like a lovely bloke, good luck with it all

sueeve

Your mum treats the girls nicely when she sees them. Good. But they are not her grandchildren and biologically never will be, although legally they may be if you adopt them in the future. You don't say how old the girls are; do they know she is not their grandmother? I think that your feelings about your Mum are being manipulated by the gf. Mum will be your mum for the rest of your life. The gf may or may not always be there. Grandfather has been your grandfather for the whole of your life. Do not abandon him now. That you will always regret. If your gf objects to you visiting a very sick old man who loves you, and who would like to see his great grand son, I think a lot of straight talking is needed. Ring Mum today and arrange a visit.

FBaby

The situation is difficult because your step-daughter don't have contact with their dad and so your partner likes to believe that you are their dad. Emotionally, this is very reassuring. However, you are NOT their dad and the fact that their dad isn't in the picture doesn't change that. It is great that you are treating them as such and living with them and having a close relationship certainly makes it obvious, but your mum doesn't have that close relationship with them, it is therefore totally understandable that she would feel closer to her biological grand child than her step grandchildren.

I think your partner needs to accept that and just be grateful that your mum actually shows care for her step granddaughters which is more than many would do. Your partner also needs to realise that if she is not happy about this, she can't expect your to take side and start accusing your mum for something that she actually isn't doing wrong. It might not meet your partner's expectations, but it does not make your mum a bad person undeservy of having contact with her son and grandson. You mum probably can feel that you are not talking to her naturally (a mum knows those things!) and is certainly not a fool to your partner's behaviour. It is understanding she is not welcoming her in open arms. Mums don't like to see their children controlled but others.

Craftyscholar

sueeve wrote: »

Your mum treats the girls nicely when she sees them. Good. But they are not her grandchildren and biologically never will be, although legally they may be if you adopt them in the future.

Sadly at least the girls will know right from the start how your mother feels about them.
I always took it for granted that my Grandma saw me as her granddaughter until I was in my twenties - for various reasons I was living at home.
My mother could no longer cope with her needs, and friends (who did not know the situation) had to tell us that she had been complaining that she should still be living with her daughter and being cared for as she was mum's flesh and blood and I was adopted so had less right. I still remember the shock of discovering that was how 'my grandma' felt about me.

princeofpounds

Your mum's actions are not necessarily rude. I can think of at least 2 reasons whey she might send different amounts to the stepchildren. Number 1 (as pointed out above) is that if the original father is still involved, and the original grandparents, then they will be receiving twice the amount of presents. Number 2 is difference in ages. Frankly, your son is only 2 and is not going to be 'impressed' by presents, so it may just be that she is helping out more practically with the costs of the younger child.

She probably is showing some favouritism though, but it's not wholly unreasonable if there are other grandparents around, and bear in mind that you are neither married yet, nor an adoptive parent it would seem, so in fact calling them stepdaughters is still a stretch in some respects. Plus she has been involved in the son's development - she might not even know the stepdaughters all that well at all remember, she hasn't been there every day! It might be a bit distasteful if you have mentally adopted the two of them, but this is the sort of thing that can be solved, probably quite easily, by a friendly coversation with your mum. Even if she denies favouritism, just explain to her that it would make you feel a lot better and be healthier for your son if she could make everything even just for the sake of peace.

What sounds really weird is the monitoring of phone calls and seeming restriction of visits. Seriously man, you need to grow some [EMAIL="b@lls"]b@lls[/EMAIL] and stand up for yourself when it comes to this.

Soubrette

FBaby wrote: »

........Mums don't like to see their children controlled but others.

No they don't and if one of my children was the obvious favourite with someone (a form of control) I would be very annoyed about it.

Personally I think you have multiple problems and you need to tease them out and deal with them one at a time OP.

As far as I can make out and in no order of importance, these are the problems you've mentioned.
First your partner and sister's relationship
Second your partner and mother's relationship
Third your children and mother's relationship
Fourth the situation with your Grandfather
Fifth your own relationship with your partner

Personally I would deal with the issue of your Grandfather. Discuss the situation with your partner and see him as often as you can.

Secondly I would deal with the issue of the children's status within the family. You may not be biologically some of the children's father but you are in that role particularly as they have no involvement with their biological father. Favouritism amongst siblings harms both the favoured (the little emperors) and the unfavoured (why am I unloveable) as well as skewing their relationship with each other (jealousy). Saying they are not really your mother's grandchildren is a load of hooey as far as I'm concerned, she is in that position whether by blood or blended family. I'm with Errata, if you can't treat them all equally then I'd tell her no presents at all thank you.

It may well be that if the situation between your children and your family are resolved, your partner may become more relaxed - if so an added bonus, if not then you may have to think about some counselling or relate.

Only after improving the relationship between yourself and your partner would I then be looking at the relationship between your partner and sister, what do they have in common? Perhaps they'll never be BFFs but perhaps they can be civil and spend family nights together.

It sounds like a long slog for you OP and I wish you the best with it.

jackieglasgow

I see it from a completely different viewpoint from the rest of you, and think the mother's behaviour is awful. As a mother myself, I would be enraged at my children being treated differently, but I was also raised by a man who was not my biological father - now I didn't know this, and I don't know what the situation is with your own children, but I can tell you, it broke my heart growing up knowing that for some reason the woman who was my grandmother so obviously preferred my sisters over me, and although our birthdays were months apart, the differences were obvious. For example, for my tenth birthday the old bag bought me pants and socks, but four months before for her birthday my sister had gotten a dolls house. Its hurtful and not nice at all for the children involved, no matter what you and your partner feel. The upside of being raised in those circumstances is that I am not materialistic in anyway, and you can't buy my love!

Soubrette

jackieglasgow wrote: »

I see it from a completely different viewpoint from the rest of you, and think the mother's behaviour is awful. As a mother myself, I would be enraged at my children being treated differently, but I was also raised by a man who was not my biological father - now I didn't know this, and I don't know what the situation is with your own children, but I can tell you, it broke my heart growing up knowing that for some reason the woman who was my grandmother so obviously preferred my sisters over me, and although our birthdays were months apart, the differences were obvious. For example, for my tenth birthday the old bag bought me pants and socks, but four months before for her birthday my sister had gotten a dolls house. Its hurtful and not nice at all for the children involved, no matter what you and your partner feel. The upside of being raised in those circumstances is that I am not materialistic in anyway, and you can't buy my love!

Not from me What a heartbreaking story jackie and I think it is a testament to your character that you see some positive in the outcome.

Also even though these little girls may understand the reason as to why their brother is favoured, first they will probably feel rejected as grandchildren and secondly they may blame themselves.

Not too good psychologically.

Errata

lar316 wrote: »

To be brutally honest, i feel that this may be the case. I've looked at some signs and symptoms of emotional abuse and it certainly ticks most of the boxes, i feel so trapped... and don't know what to do. I've approached my fiancee about her behaviour and she can't see it. She has had a troubled past and I would be willing to go to counselling with her etc but she doesn't want to go, she went as far as saying she'd rather split up than go to counselling.

Go on your own. You can change your behaviour which may result in her changing her behaviour.

cheepskate_2

lar316 wrote: »

Thats just it, my step daughters biological father and his family don't bother with them, its like they don't exist.

I wonder why? Could the bahaviour your girlfriened is exhibiting have just worn them down and decided its better for the kids not to be in that situation.

I am sure your g.f will tell you a different story, but she is already treating you abusively and i assume you havent been with her that long( in relaationship terms) .
She is already wanting/comming to come between you and your mother/sister/family.

Sometimes when you are in themist of things you cant see what others can.