What to do with gf and mother???

LilacLouisa

Craftyscholar wrote: »

Oh, so spending most my life feeling 'not good enough' 'if my birth parents didn't want me why should anyone else' wasn't just me being silly but perfectly normal - after all one can only truly love ones own flesh and blood.

Words fail me.:mad:

OP - sorry for hijacking, but this is a bit too close to home.

Clearly words don't fail you.

This is what I wrote " Some of them have said that although they still love and care for the adopted child and try to treat both children exactly the same, the same depth of feeling isn't there."

Please note the word Some. It is reality for some people, they have stronger depth of feeling for their biological child than their adopted child. I don't suppose they chose to feel that way, but who can help how they feel? Some parents have a favourite child, who knows why?

You seem extremely angry over the way you feel you were treated as a child, so angry that you feel the need to interrupt a thread started by another poster. Have you had any type of therapy to help with these feelings? if not perhaps some therapy would help, it must be very unpleasant for you to feel this way.

January20

LilacLouisa wrote: »

Clearly words don't fail you.

This is what I wrote " Some of them have said that although they still love and care for the adopted child and try to treat both children exactly the same, the same depth of feeling isn't there."

Please note the word Some. It is reality for some people, they have stronger depth of feeling for their biological child than their adopted child. I don't suppose they chose to feel that way, but who can help how they feel? Some parents have a favourite child, who knows why?

You seem extremely angry over the way you feel you were treated as a child, so angry that you feel the need to interrupt a thread started by another poster. Have you had any type of therapy to help with these feelings? if not perhaps some therapy would help, it must be very unpleasant for you to feel this way.

I don't understand why you were getting some stick over your post really. It is very naive to believe that all people would love an adopted child as much as a biological one. We are after all speaking about human feelings.

It is also worth noting that some parents do not love their biological children the same. I was so floored by the depth of my feelings for my dd when she was born that I truly thought I could never love another biological child the same (never mind an adopted one!).

So taking all this in consideration, and possibly the resentment that the OP's parents must be feeling because of his "controlling" partner, and them not seeing their grandson more than 5 time in 2 years, it's not difficult to understand that grandma doesn't have the same feelings for the girls as she does for the boy.

Fair? of course not! Understandable? Certainly! And remember grandma didn't choose to have 2 step grand-daughters. Her son did!

Craftyscholar

LilacLouisa wrote: »

Clearly words don't fail you.

This is what I wrote " Some of them have said that although they still love and care for the adopted child and try to treat both children exactly the same, the same depth of feeling isn't there."

Please note the word Some. It is reality for some people, they have stronger depth of feeling for their biological child than their adopted child. I don't suppose they chose to feel that way, but who can help how they feel? Some parents have a favourite child, who knows why?

You seem extremely angry over the way you feel you were treated as a child, so angry that you feel the need to interrupt a thread started by another poster. Have you had any type of therapy to help with these feelings? if not perhaps some therapy would help, it must be very unpleasant for you to feel this way.

No, my feelings of inadequacy came from my childish 'understanding' of the reason I was given up for adoption - not the way I was treated. I was lucky enough to be loved by my mum and dad.

My anger came from your apparent assumption that it was understandable that a couple who had got through the difficult process of proving that they would be true parents to the child they were being trusted with would change their feelings when they got 'the real thing'.

I have already apologised to the OP.

Jojo_the_Tightfisted

The thought of a big 'family conference' where everything's hurled around (like apes in the zoo?) and it's all out in the open?

Ugh.

In my experience/observation - but only mine, it may work for others - has been that it is an excuse for being nasty in public, the person perceived as being in the wrong is made to feel like they are under a microscope and being dissected and that they have no right to privacy in the serving of the family discussion. Horrible things are said under the guise of clearing the air and the person saying them cannot be held accountable as they will claim it's all in the past after they have the pleasure of the inquisition.

Counselling can also be very traumatic and counterproductive in many ways, as can a loved one insisting that a person is psychologically inadequate and needing professional assistance, even to the extent of it being seen as bullying itself.


Even if she is in the wrong, I understand your GF's horror at these things if she's not one to air her dirty linen in public.

LilacLouisa

Craftyscholar wrote: »

No, my feelings of inadequacy came from my childish 'understanding' of the reason I was given up for adoption - not the way I was treated. I was lucky enough to be loved by my mum and dad.

My anger came from your apparent assumption that it was understandable that a couple who had got through the difficult process of proving that they would be true parents to the child they were being trusted with would change their feelings when they got 'the real thing'.

I have already apologised to the OP.

Well your anger is misguided then, I didn't assume anything, I was told by some parents that was what happened to them. They didn't expect to have a child born to them and could never imagine the strength of feelings they would have for that child. If you can't understand that, too bad! It is a fact of life for a few people whether you like it or not, even though it appears to anger you. Why wouldn't I understand their feelings?

You can't tell people what feelings they should have, even though it appears you would like to.

duchy

There's a well known American celebrity who has something like eight children -I *think* three are biologically hers -and the rest adopted. The reason I'm not sure is whenever she is asked if this child or that one is "one of hers or adopted" her reply over the years has always been the same "I don't remember-They are ALL my children" . And she genuinely means it ! I think most adoptive parents feel that way -although I accept that for some their extended families don't follow their example.

I remember my aunts (who were much older than my father so more like my grandparents in age) definitely treated me differently to my brother-not because of biology (we are full siblings) but simply becaue he was a boy. They were raised in a family where my grandfather came first, then his sons, then their mother and finally the daughters.They didn't know any better. Families eh ?

seven-day-weekend

I certainly can understand why they have a 'special' sort of love for the boy. After all, the girls are not even their step-grandchildren, are they? Not legally. They are your girlfriend's children. And they could be out of their life tomorrow if she moves on to another relationship.

However, I think they should try not to let this preference show.

And people are different. I was adopted as a child and was brought up in a very loving adopted family, where I was loved equally, and I have no issues with my 'birth' mother. However, I myself could not do it. My own biological child would always be the 'special' one.

I'm sure that's a failing in me somewhere, but as I say, people are different in the ways they react.

LilacLouisa

seven-day-weekend wrote: »

I certainly can understand why they have a 'special' sort of love for the boy. After all, the girls are not even their step-grandchildren, are they? Not legally. They are your girlfriend's children. And they could be out of their life tomorrow if she moves on to another relationship.

However, I think they should try not to let this preference show.

And people are different. I was adopted as a child and was brought up in a very loving adopted family, where I was loved equally, and I have no issues with my 'birth' mother. However, I myself could not do it. My own biological child would always be the 'special' one.

I'm sure that's a failing in me somewhere, but as I say, people are different in the ways they react.

It's not a failing at all, it merely shows that you are human. Much as we might wish to feel a particular way about things, sometimes our heart dictates otherwise.

Newly_retired

DH and I each had two children from our previous marriages. Although our respective families showed an interest in the "others", nobody ever gave presents to the other children.
Many years on now, DH and I still visit our own families separately, as often as not.
Not all reconstituted families are the same or expect to be treated alike.

GobbledyGook

Newly_retired wrote: »

DH and I each had two children from our previous marriages. Although our respective families showed an interest in the "others", nobody ever gave presents to the other children.
Many years on now, DH and I still visit our own families separately, as often as not.
Not all reconstituted families are the same or expect to be treated alike.

That's all very well if that's how you set things and how your lives have panned out.

The difference is that the OP's mother used to dote on the two girls until the son was born. that's very different to never starting to dote on them or see them as grandchildren at all.