What to do with gf and mother???

lar316

Hi all, this is my first post so please go easy on me. Just a bit of background info, I'm in my late twenties, got 2 step daughters and a son (who's just turned 2) to my fiancee. I've been so stressed with all this on my mind for a while now it's really starting to bring me down. Basically it's a problem with my mum and sister. I don't think my sister likes my fiancee & vice versa, which i can handle but there is no relationship between my son and his aunty because of this. Now that brings me onto my main concern. As i moved to the other side of the country years ago and settled down where I am now, I don't get to see my family much and only phone once a week/fortnight. Anyway, my mum sent my step daughters some money for their birthday's this year in the post which was really appreciated. But, for my son's (biological) birthday, she had sent double the amount than that of the girls. Now I know they are not her biological grandchildren but surely I class them as my own so she should to. She always treated them as her grandchildren before my lad was born. It's the same for any phone calls, she's always asking about my son and not the girls, and again, on the odd occasion that we've met up, there is a lot of fuss over my son and not the girls. I'm so angry about this, why is she being like this? She has denied it in the past. As you can imagine, it's caused loads of arguements between me and my fiancee. My fiancee gives me a hard time if I want to go and visit my family. I've said i'll go by myself then if you don't like my mum but she then says that we should go as a family but when we do, there is an atmosphere between my partner and my mum. The thing is, my grandad has been told he's got cancer and we're not sure how long he's got left, so I really want to go back home to see him. Plus he's only ever seen my son once in the last 2 years, and i want him to say goodbye before its too late. Even if I phone my mum up for a chat, i've got to do it when my partner is there so she can hear whats being said, and only then it feels like i've got a script to read from as i'm not allowed to say certain things. It's doing my head in, i feel like im in the middle. What do I do???? Any advice???

jizzler

its sounds a real hard situation your in but families can be really funny.perhaps you mum thinks that the real father of the other 2 kids buys them presents so they will get more than her actual grandson.

rosered1963

Hi there.

I'll chuck my opinion in. Just from what you've said, 3 things jump out:

1. Your partner has no right to monitor your telephone calls to your family. You should be able to have contact with anyone you want without her listening in - outrageous. If you start accepting this nonsense from your partner, you are setting an unwelcome precident.

2. Go and see you grandad. Once he's gone, you will wish you had.

3. Regarding your mother sending more money to her biological grandchild than to your two step daughters - I can see why this would annoy you, but maybe it's understandable of her, although wrong.

You seem to have taken on a lot at a very young age. Good luck with everything x

lar316

its sounds a real hard situation your in but families can be really funny.perhaps you mum thinks that the real father of the other 2 kids buys them presents so they will get more than her actual grandson.

Thanks for your opinion but the thing is, my step daughters have nothing to do with their biological father or his family, no CSA no contact with them or presents etc. He was abusive and an alcoholic. Hope that clears things up a bit.

liney

You are on dodgy ground telling your Mother that she must treat the girls as her Grandchildren, when actually they aren't. She is sending them gifts, and being polite, and the hard feelings are being caused because you are insisting she "gives" more then she is prepared to.

On the other hand, have you actually spoken to your Mother and asked her why the change of heart? She may not have consciously realised she is treated them differently and is just over excited at having her Grandson. I suggest you visit them alone, and have a face to face conversation.

January20

I don't think you have a right to tell your mother how much to send the children for their birthday. If you lived near her and she gave presents, you wouldn't be so aware of the difference in value perhaps. You may consider them as your daughters, but you can't expect your mother to feel the same, and as someone said earlier she might not even be aware she is doing it. You -and certainly your partner- should be grateful that she sends them anything at all. Forgive me for being patronising but that's why it's called a gift! My dd's grandfather was the same. It was very subtle but she was his only blood grand-child and he treated her slightly differently. I'm not sure he was aware of it but I can understand it. Can't you? Really?

As for your partner, how dare she put so much pressure on you when you speak to your family? What is she afraid of? Do you really thing that your family are not aware of how much she controls you? because that is what she is doing! Your sister's resentment towards your partner is probably the reason. I wouldn't be surprised if your mother's attitude towards the girls is because of that. Your family must know that you only phone when your partner is there, that it's not just when you feel like it. They probably have guessed/ felt that you can't speak freely.

I think you are the only one who can change and improve the situation but you're going to have to be stronger. You need to stand up to your partner when she monitors your phone calls to your family. You need to be more understanding of your mother's feelings and attitude (she is only human after all). You need to have a good chat with your sister and clear the air, and a really good chat with your partner. This is a ridiculous situation!

Errata

Your mother is entitled to do with her money what she wishes. If you don't like it, send it back.
If your fiancee was a man and you were a woman, and they behaved in this way it could be seen as domestic abuse.
Think on.

Trazy

My son has a step-son and a daughter and I treat them equally. If my son can take the boy on as his own then so can I, it could also cause problems between the siblings if they are treated differnelty.

tori.k

If the father/grandparents are in contact with your step kids she may feel they already have 2 sets of grandparents so would be getting from them aswell as her. and her grandson actually gets less & TBH i think your wife should feel lucky that your mum bothers with them at all sadly many dont.

lar316

Errata wrote: »

Your mother is entitled to do with her money what she wishes. If you don't like it, send it back.
If your fiancee was a man and you were a woman, and they behaved in this way it could be seen as domestic abuse.
Think on.

To be brutally honest, i feel that this may be the case. I've looked at some signs and symptoms of emotional abuse and it certainly ticks most of the boxes, i feel so trapped... and don't know what to do. I've approached my fiancee about her behaviour and she can't see it. She has had a troubled past and I would be willing to go to counselling with her etc but she doesn't want to go, she went as far as saying she'd rather split up than go to counselling.

lar316

tori.k wrote: »

If the father/grandparents are in contact with your step kids she may feel they already have 2 sets of grandparents so would be getting from them aswell as her. and her grandson actually gets less & TBH i think your wife should feel lucky that your mum bothers with them at all sadly many dont.

Thats just it, my step daughters biological father and his family don't bother with them, its like they don't exist. People like that who turn their backs on their kids really make my blood boil. The reason why i'm so angry with my mum is the fact that before my son (her first and only biological grandson) was born, she'd be treating the girls all the time, asking about them on the phone etc, but now it's as if their just in the background. When she phones it's always how's my grandson etc. Like i said this has really got my partner angry too and she said if thats how she wants to be, I don't want her to have anything to do with the girls, and i dont want them calling her nan. I just feel so trapped and stuck in the middle.