What to do with gf and mother???

mountainofdebt

I'm wondering if your the relationship your gf's mum has with her dad (the cheating etc) is somehow the reason why your gf is like she is with you.

Doesn't condone it but could go some way to explaining it.

As for the issue of how your mum treats the girls compared to the way she treats your son, I think it is an issue that you will have to raise at some point with her. Whilst I agree that its your mum's money and she can do whatever she wants with it, I think this message this is going to send out to the children as they get older is a dangerous one.....

GobbledyGook

I do agree that your partner has no right to be monitoring your relationship with your mother and I think you've been given lots of advice on that that is very good.

However something jumped out to me. You mentioned that your mother used to treat your step-daughters very well and always asked about them on the telephone etc. That stopping when your son was born must be incredibly hard for your girlfriend to stomach as it must be upsetting and/or confusing for the girls. I can't imagine how I would feel if someone sidelined my girls because I had a boy and your girlfriend is right I feel to be very angry that your mother has basically cut her attention to the girls so much because she now has a biological grandchildren.

My Grandparents had a step-grandson and 2 biological grandchildren. My Grandmother told me once that she and my Grandad could never control the fact that they loved their biological grandchildren a little more, but they made sure they controlled the fact that the step-grandchild never, ever knew it. It sounds to me like your mother could do with realising/remembering this.

Cutting in half her attention to the girls or not bothering to ask after them anymore strikes me as very harsh tbh. As a mother I can imagine that would make me incredibly angry tbh.

lar316

GobbledyGook wrote: »

I do agree that your partner has no right to be monitoring your relationship with your mother and I think you've been given lots of advice on that that is very good.

However something jumped out to me. You mentioned that your mother used to treat your step-daughters very well and always asked about them on the telephone etc. That stopping when your son was born must be incredibly hard for your girlfriend to stomach as it must be upsetting and/or confusing for the girls. I can't imagine how I would feel if someone sidelined my girls because I had a boy and your girlfriend is right I feel to be very angry that your mother has basically cut her attention to the girls so much because she now has a biological grandchildren.

My Grandparents had a step-grandson and 2 biological grandchildren. My Grandmother told me once that she and my Grandad could never control the fact that they loved their biological grandchildren a little more, but they made sure they controlled the fact that the step-grandchild never, ever knew it. It sounds to me like your mother could do with realising/remembering this.

Cutting in half her attention to the girls or not bothering to ask after them anymore strikes me as very harsh tbh. As a mother I can imagine that would make me incredibly angry tbh.

Yea that was my partner's concern as well. We had it out with my mum last year and it went totally the other way around for a couple of months. Example is on the phone she would just talk about the girls for ages in an over the top kind of way and now its gone like this with the birthday money etc. Why are woman just so hard to deal with lol??? No offence to any women on here

GobbledyGook

lar316 wrote: »

Yea that was my partner's concern as well. We had it out with my mum last year and it went totally the other way around for a couple of months. Example is on the phone she would just talk about the girls for ages in an over the top kind of way and now its gone like this with the birthday money etc. Why are woman just so hard to deal with lol??? No offence to any women on here

I can understand that from your partner's side tbh. It must be very difficult because she'll already be wondering and worrying about the children's reactions as they grow up. She'll be, naturally, worried that the girls will feel resentful if they think their brother has or gets more than them or better treatment.

Could you speak to your mother again? Perhaps if it comes from you - just you - and in an understanding way she might react better to you. You cannot stop your mother loving your son more than your step-daughters. To most people it's natural and in many ways it may not even just be about the biology - it could have been the same because he is a boy or the youngest.

You can accept her not loving them the same, but I wouldn't accept her not treating them the same. It's not fair on them. It's potentially damaging to the children's relationship with each other as well. Sibling rivalry is bad enough without 1 or 2 of the children having a genuine reason to feel resentful.

Mojisola

GobbledyGook wrote: »

You can accept her not loving them the same, but I wouldn't accept her not treating them the same.

This is the crux of the issue with your mother. I hope she can see that it's not right to favour one child over the others.

red_devil

i think the mother should treat them equally how would she like to have been treated differently if she was the stepdaughter? Why cant people think how they would like it?

RadoJo

Just to offer another perspective on this, whilst I think it would be nice for your Mum to treat all the kids the same, it's possible that you are noticing it much more than the kids are. When I was little, my elder brother and I were treated differently by our step grandparents, which I don't think was out of malice, but in my case was slightly different as I did have contact with my other two sets of biological grandparents, but it genuinely wasn't a big deal to me and hasn't had any lasting effects.
I appreciate that it might feel as though your Mum isn't embracing your new family fully, but I think you might be overestimating the kids' reactions, and to be honest, it sounds as though the issues you have with your girlfriend's controlling behaviour are the issue which needs to be addressed first. If you can get your relationship on an even keel and work towards more harmony between the families, your Mum may well start to feel more grandmotherly towards your step-kids to be and treat them all the same.

deedardingle

I think Rado Jo may well be right that you might be noticing it more than the children are. To be honest, it was myself that used to be upset that my stepson received so much more from my husband's family than my sons did. My boys never mentioned or seemed to care about it. Just after I made my posting yesterday, I asked them how they had felt about it at the time (they are adults now). They both showed surprise and said they were not even aware of it happening.

GobbledyGook

deedardingle wrote: »

I think Rado Jo may well be right that you might be noticing it more than the children are. To be honest, it was myself that used to be upset that my stepson received so much more from my husband's family than my sons did. My boys never mentioned or seemed to care about it. Just after I made my posting yesterday, I asked them how they had felt about it at the time (they are adults now). They both showed surprise and said they were not even aware of it happening.

On the other hand though I can remember being 4 years old and hating my half-brother because my father's parents went wild on him over Christmas. As I got a little older I can remember doing well at school or achieving a swimming medal and that merited hardly a "well done". My brother joined the cubs or beavers and got a badge and he was taken out and my father's mother was "oh so proud". I hated him for it and I hated them for it. It's my memories of that set of Grandparents - even when they were the only family left I couldn't forget how they ditched me so completely for the boy they really wanted.

It can have a massive impact on a child. I never really forgave my father for encouraging it. Maybe accepting it more than encouraging it, but I certainly remember thinking "Why doesn't he tell them to be proud of me too".

lar316

Again, thank you to all you lovely people for offering advice and different opinions, it has given me a lot of strength. Well I did it.... I went to see my grandad yesterday by myself. He didn't look to good I think it's only a matter of time before he passes away. He has battled very bravely over the last 2 years with strokes, broken hip and now cancer. Anyway, I also went to see my parents and sister and tried to clear the air. A lot of things were said including me being "controlled" by my partner. I was shocked to hear that they've only seen my son 5 times in 2 years!!!! I thought that they'd seen him much more than that, and it's been 11 months since last seeing him. I got mine and my partner's opinion across, they got theirs across. I thought that maybe we should all talk together with my partner next time and properly clear the air. I apoke to my sister for the first time in nearly 2 years. She wouldn't apologise to my partner for things she had done, so i dont think there will be a relationship between the kids and their auntie until she does.

Driving back home I felt fantastic until i got back home. I told my gf that I had seen my grandad and visited my best mates grave. She didn't ask how i felt. I then told her that i'd been to slear the air with my folks and get some answers. That didn't go down well. She should've been there she said. But i gave her the choice to go with me the other week but she didn't want to. A massive arguement exploded onto the scene and it looks very hariy now. I told her how i felt about being controlled etc. I gave examples of her controlling me and I gave her the reason why I thought she was acting like this and I recommended counselling. She said no. I said ive been to the library to get self help books, she doesn't want to read them, i said we'll contact Relate, she's not interested, group therapy, im not doing that was the reply. Everything I try there's an excuse for not helping her/us.

She went on to totally slag my family off, slag me off etc. She said it would be easier to probably move out get her own place and not fight for us. But in my opinion our love, our kids and each other is worth fighting for it. At 3am I put the ball in her court and said that she can do what she wants, I won't be threatened anymore as she does all the time. I'm sick of trying if she won't try with me. Looks like i'm going have to prepare to accept that i'm not going to tuck my kids into bed every night. Why won't people get help when they need it???