What to do with gf and mother???

sueeve

I wonder if you are at the same place regarding the permanence of this relationship. If she is going as far as saying she'd rather split up than have counselling there is a suggestion that she isn't totally committed to it. Of course it may be that the idea just terrifies her; it is painful having to listen to things you don't acknowledge about yourself. What would happen if you turned this around, saying you will split up unless.....? Not your style I think, but that comes back to the issue of power and control.
Plan of action.
1. grandad; that will not wait.
2. Counselling, alone if she won't come.
3. Plan the future in the light of the counselling.
and through all this, do not let yourself be bullied.

As I posted this cheepskate's post came up, and I had also been quietly wondering about the reasons for the original paternal family opting out. Do you know them, or the first partner?

Mojisola

Trazy wrote: »

My son has a step-son and a daughter and I treat them equally. If my son can take the boy on as his own then so can I, it could also cause problems between the siblings if they are treated differnelty.

I'm 100% behind this. We have one child in our extended family who is a step-child and another who is adopted. As far as everyone in our family is concerned, they are part of our family and all the kids are treated the same.

Unfortunately, it's also true that the OP's mother's money is hers to do with as she wishes. Lar316 can have a word with his Mum but if she wants to give "her" grandchild more, it's going to be very difficult.

I also think the situation reeks of domestic abuse. Would Families Need Fathers - https://www.fnf.org.uk/ - be able to give advice in this situation?

Whatever else happens in the short-term, lar316, make sure your fiance stays as a fiance until this is all sorted out. It's much harder to sort things out after a wedding.

ailuro2

Go and see your grandad, take all the kids and your fiancee with you... but after a quick visit get fiancee to take all the kids away for lunch while you spend a bit more time with your grandad - they sound too young to understand and having too many visitors might tire him out.

Ask you Mum if she would consider sending a gift that covers all of the children - or agree that you will open the cards beforehand and take out any extra money she has sent the boy, just to keep them equal, of course you can make sure he has the money spent on him.

Really, you need to be able to compromise and sometimes what the eye doesn't see the heart doesn't grieve for - if your mother is treating them differently because she just can't help herself then maybe you need to intervene just to keep the peace.;)

sueeve

Where is gf's own family in all this/ What is her/your relationship like with them? It seems to me that the problem in your first post is part of a much wider picture.

sashadesade

This makes me feel sad for your step-daughters. My personal feeling is that the children should all be treated equally and if the girls see your mum as their granny then it will hurt them to see that they aren't as important to her as your son. You may not be able to force her to feel the same way about the girls as she does about the boy, but have you tried explaining to her how much it will upset them if they see their step-brother being favoured over them in this way? Perhaps she simply wasn't thinking about what she was doing.

BLT_2

Bit*h slap your mother and your fiancee and tell them they are acting like immature schoolgirls

This relationship advice is given free of charge and is not guaranteed to result in a satisfactory resolution to your problem

deedardingle

I can understand how your partner feels about the children being treated differently by your family. When my husband and I first moved in together, my sons were aged 6 and 9 and his son was 3 years old. I had only my sister and my niece on my side of the family who bought Christmas and birthday presents for them and they spent a similar amount on each of the boys. If they hadn't, I would have just asked them to either treat them all the same or not to buy for any of them. My husband comes from a large family and although his mum treated all three boys the same, the rest of his family treated them very differently. His son would get lots of presents/money for Christmas and birthdays, whereas my sons would receive nothing, not even a birthday card. This really hurt me, as it made me feel that we hadn't been accepted as part of the family by them. Even if they did favour him because of 'blood' or whatever, they shouldn't show it, as they were all young kids, living together as a family so should all be treated the same. It really hurt me, as it made me feel that we hadn't been accepted as part of the family by them. Although he agreed my boys were being treated unfairly, my husband didn't say anything because he didn't want to offend anyone but after 2 or 3 years and my being even more upset, he told his family that as the family was continuing to expand and as we had three children to buy for, it would be best for us to stop buying presents for each others children and they readily accepted this.

You must go and see your granddad either on your own, or as a family, as often as you can. I think you will always regret it in the future if you don't.

Your partner has no right to monitor your phone calls to your mum and certainly should not be dictating what you can and can't say to her. Similarly, she has no right to try and stop you from visiting your family, if she doesn't want to go with you, then go without her. You can't make your mum or sister like your partner but to be honest, by the way she controls you, she isn't doing anything to help herself to be more popular with them.

Good luck, I hope you manage to sort things out.

Mojisola

deedardingle wrote: »

Your partner has no right to monitor your phone calls to your mum and certainly should not be dictating what you can and can't say to her. Similarly, she has no right to try and stop you from visiting your family, if she doesn't want to go with you, then go without her. You can't make your mum or sister like your partner but to be honest, by the way she controls you, she isn't doing anything to help herself to be more popular with them.

Hear! Hear!

Please don't let this go on any longer. It's not right to be treated like this by anyone and certainly not the person who is supposed to love you beyond all others.

lar316

Thank you to every single person that has given their opinion. I think i've know all along that my partner is controlling me. I do need to stand up to her and just travel the 100 or so miles to see my folks and speak privately. I was going to go today but my little lad fell and hurt himself and has been feeling under the weather so he's taken priority. I think i'mgoing to go tommorow whether my partner likes it or not. I've got to see my grandad before it's too late.

I just wish i could fix everything with my partner etc.

lar316

sueeve wrote: »

Where is gf's own family in all this/ What is her/your relationship like with them? It seems to me that the problem in your first post is part of a much wider picture.

My partner's relationship with her mum is excellent as is mine with her. There has/is problems with her dad (he's been an a**e basically with her mum cheated on her etc). Her mum keeps asking me how my parents are etc or when did i last speak to them but i kind of brush the question to the side etc.

My partner's mum has an excellent relationship with the kids, always helping at the drop of a hat. I wish my mum could be the same (my partner doesn't feel the same) but the mileage is a big issue.