Not doing Christmas Presents

Gefjun

Sambucus_Nigra wrote: »

Even worse then!

You are accepting Christmas presents from your sister on behalf of your OH whilst stating that you aren't buying.

There shouldn't be any expectations on 'you must give to receive' - I've certainly never put that on anyone, and some of my gifts to others are simply 'I saw it and knew you've wanted one for ages so I got it'. Whether it's reciprocated or not, it shouldn't matter. Plus I find that it's the thought which goes into a gift, rather than the monetary amount, which is most appreciated. e.g. I gave my 46 yr old friend a birthday present a hologram ruler of a cat running and took great joy in the fact that I knew she'd love it! I cost me about £3, but it's the thought that counts most.

I've had very frank and open conversations with members of my family - my grandparents would prefer to see me more rather than have gifts - they've got everything they need anyway! If I can't afford much, I'll say so and also say that I don't expect anything in return, let's just spend some time together. I've also said that if I don't ask for anything, please don't waste money buying me something as it'll sit on the side unused - it's not me being snotty, I just don't want for much and I'd rather people kept hold of their money rather than waste it in a time when lots of people are traditionally skint for one reason or another.

As a lot of the other posters say, Christmas is far too commercialised and there are a lot of expectations over what people should and shouldn't do. If people can be adult enough about it, then you should all just sit down and give your expectations of the seasonal period without having them simply placed on you and being expected to perform like a circus animal. If you can't do it or don't want to do it, then simply you shouldn't do it. If others have a problem with it, then they need to get over that.

Sorry, bit of a soapbox rant, but I don't think it's worth a falling out over.

OP - talk to your sister, make the first apology in case you've got the wrong end of the stick (I always that sets the conversation up a bit better and doesn't get people's backs up), say you're upset about it and see what she has to say. Explain the situation - you can't do more that that!

Good luck

margaretclare

Gradually, over the years, I have come to the position I'm in now. That is: I don't do Christmas presents at all. Not at all.

The daughter I mentioned in my earlier post in this thread died at the end of 2002. After having 'cancelled Christmas' in 2001 she got a job in November 2002, her husband also got a new job, they were looking forward to a better 2003. She didn't see it.

My DH doesn't 'do' presents for a set occasion, not at all. If he buys a present he likes it to be completely out of the blue, not for a date on the calendar. Nor does he send Christmas cards.

I no longer go to my church on Christmas morning because it has become a 'show and tell' 'for the kids', 'what did you get?' We go all the rest of the year but not on that day. Even in church it has become all about 'getting'.

The end of the year is always a sad time for us. My daughter died on 30th December, and that date is DH's birthday and also eldest GD's birthday. So you can imagine, we don't feel a lot like leaping around celebrating. We've become so disenchanted with what Christmas has become in our own country, this year we're getting out altogether, spending 5 nights in a small hotel in the Belgian Ardennes. We'll find a local church to go to. Even if DH doesn't understand the language he'll absorb the atmosphere.

shellsuit

Woah!

What's all this about the OP being cheeky? Her sister told her to buy 2 things for her OH. The OP assumed it was for both bday and Christmas as they have always only ever given once present for each. The sister wants to get off her backside and buy her own presents for a start, and just because the OP can't afford it and won't be buying presents for both bday and Christmas, doesn't mean the sister who can afford it has to stop ~ unless she's petty that is.

Do those who have said the OP has a cheek honestly give to receive??? That's not what it's all about!

If the OP can't afford it, that doesn't mean everyone else who can afford it has to stop giving presents.

Crikey, are we in the playground here or what?? (You're not having one of mine if I can't have one of yours...)

Buddingblonde

margaretclare wrote: »

Gradually, over the years, I have come to the position I'm in now. That is: I don't do Christmas presents at all. Not at all.

The daughter I mentioned in my earlier post in this thread died at the end of 2002. After having 'cancelled Christmas' in 2001 she got a job in November 2002, her husband also got a new job, they were looking forward to a better 2003. She didn't see it.

My DH doesn't 'do' presents for a set occasion, not at all. If he buys a present he likes it to be completely out of the blue, not for a date on the calendar. Nor does he send Christmas cards.

I no longer go to my church on Christmas morning because it has become a 'show and tell' 'for the kids', 'what did you get?' We go all the rest of the year but not on that day. Even in church it has become all about 'getting'.

The end of the year is always a sad time for us. My daughter died on 30th December, and that date is DH's birthday and also eldest GD's birthday. So you can imagine, we don't feel a lot like leaping around celebrating. We've become so disenchanted with what Christmas has become in our own country, this year we're getting out altogether, spending 5 nights in a small hotel in the Belgian Ardennes. We'll find a local church to go to. Even if DH doesn't understand the language he'll absorb the atmosphere.

Your Christmas sounds very humble and fitting given what this time of year has come to mean to you and your family. It is after all a religious holiday. I wish you much peace and tranquility in Belgium.

balletshoes

Buddingblonde wrote: »

She advised I was to buy both tshirts that OH had seen - we come from a family where 1 item/gift = 1 occassion. It isnt really that huge an assumption. However I did make that assumption based on historical gift giving.

I love how I am the bad guy for being the one that cannot afford to spend on christmas. I am not accepting presents - my sister is asking me to buy OH something as she hasnt the time to get him a gift. If the t shirts are given at his birthday or one each for birthday and christmas the total cash outlay is the same! I am fed up with people trying to treat me like I am trying to somehow trick or con people out of gifts. And not even for me but for my OH who wouldnt give two hoots if he got gifts or not!!!!

so .... i'm getting the impression that you're still upset about all this, and opinions from posters here haven't helped? So what are you going to do about the situation? Only you can decide that, and only you can control how your sisters words or actions make you feel.

I still think this was just a misunderstanding between you and your sister over OH's birthday pressie. If you think its something more than that, what are you going to do about it? Are you going to let it keep you upset with your sister? I have one sister who I could argue for Scotland with, but we can agree to disagree.

balletshoes

Buddingblonde wrote: »

no matter what I do that some people will still think that I am in the wrong.

dead right there - but you know what? thats going to be the case in most things you decide to do in life, so do what you think is right for you and your OH.

margaretclare

Buddingblonde wrote: »

Your Christmas sounds very humble and fitting given what this time of year has come to mean to you and your family. It is after all a religious holiday. I wish you much peace and tranquility in Belgium.

Thank you.

Many people will say that it's no longer a religious holiday and that those of us who still think it is, have no right to be pushing our views on the rest.

A lot of the people who 'made' Christmas for me in the past are no longer with us.

DH and I are retired, we're not poor, we have enough but we can't go wild. We have to watch what we spend. We also - both - have to watch what we eat, seriously. So the eating and drinking, which has become a big part of Christmas for many people, is 'out' for us. When we go abroad we like to try the regional specialities but moderation in all things!

piratefairy

I know I'm bound to get argued with, but I can't quite see why the converstion between OP and her sis hadn't gone like this:
OP: "We're not doing Xmas."...
Sister: "OK, what about your OH's bday, could you get the tshirts for me...?"
OP: "Both? Wouldn't you rather I just picked one as there's just one, as per previous years family tradition"...

Surely if OP felt so strongly that the tradition was 1 gift = 1 occasion, she would have pointed this out / reminded sis who may have been pre-occupied when saying it. Did you find it weird when you ordered them, or think they were for both occasions?

I do know it can be fairly horrid to fall out with a sister if you're close to her, but if you give her a day or so to 'cool down', I agree with what others have said about giving her a ring to apologise. And maybe send one tshirt back, so he has one gift from her for his Bday...?

Gefjun

shellsuit wrote: »

Woah!

Crikey, are we in the playground here or what?? (You're not having one of mine if I can't have one of yours...)

Couldn't have said that better myself - in fact I nearly did!

gerryscot

tesuhoha wrote: »

I can fully understand this as we did the same thing two years ago. We were in a financial predicament due to my husband losing his job. Everyone understood but i think we took it a bit too far by not having any decorations or Christmas dinner. Christmas Day was the most incredibly depressing Christmas Day we had ever had.

Having said that I was really pleased with myself in January and there was no enormous credit card bill to try to pay. So stick with it. However have a nice dinner, a tot of something and a bit of tinsel on the wall.

I think you've hit the nail in the head with the comment about not be faced with the debt in january. So many people feel under pressure to buy expensive gifts then struggle to pay off the debts. My sister in law spends about £3,000 on my neice's xmas presents and moans constantly about not having any money. :mad:

I hope you'll be putting the tree up and having xmas dinner this year. :j :j