Not doing Christmas Presents

KiKi

Hi Bubblingblonde

You asked for opinions, so I'll give you mine!

I think you're doing the right thing by not buying for Christmas; I can totally sympathise with that. I'm self-employed now, and will earn about £10K this year, so Christmas will be tough.

However, I *can* understand your sister's reaction. You said you wouldn't do Christmas (no worries), and then assumed she was buying your OH a Christmas gift. I can understand why you made the assumption, but from her perspective you said you didn't want to gift this year, then assumed she was. So I can understand her reaction.

I know you've refuted other posts on here saying a similar thing to me, but just try and step back and see it like that for one moment, and that way you can hopefully sort out the misunderstanding between you.

As I said, you're doing the right thing! But you made an assumption, so your sister bit back at a time that you're probably feeling a bit vulnerable already. That doesn't make her unkind or unsupportive; it just means she misunderstood, as did you. Talk to her.


Not specifically related to your question, but I'd like to put forward the financial position of being the single sister on a good salary (in my previous job before I was self-employed)!

I am single, no kids, and I have two sisters, married, who have children. I have to buy (for example) for my eldest sister, her husband, and her three children. That's at least £200. But the kids don't buy me presents (despite the fact that one of them is an adult now), and I wouldn't expect them to. And although my sister and her husband have two incomes, they're not going to give me a £200 voucher! And again, I wouldn't expect them to. But when you are the single one in the family buying for all the kids, and all the OHs when you have none yourself, it actually gets very expensive. Living costs - mortgage, bills - are pretty much the same as a dual household, so you're often not much better off. I live in a small flat and my sisters have big three/five bed houses, but my mortgage is still much bigger than theirs!

I often find myself in a position with friends where they don't want to gift at Christmas, but tell you it's okay to buy for the kids. So I end up spending a lot on kids and OHs, and receiving very little. Last year I bought around 28 presents, and received 5. Don't get me wrong - I don't see Christmas as exchanging gifts of equal value at all; I'm a Christian, and Christmas means a lot more to me than that! I don't expect to get back from everyone I buy from, that's not the point of Christmas. But I'm trying to make the point that being single can make Christmas very expensive, even when you're on a good salary. And it can be tough when you feel you've spent time choosing lovely presents for people and no-one really considers you - that's certainly how I've felt in the past.

Also, people would often say to me "you're so lucky, being able to take three holidays a year" or "you're so lucky, earning so well and affording to do so many nice things." Sure, I understand that.

But I look at them and think "you're so lucky, an OH who supports you, loves you, spends their life with you, and you have children who bring you pleasure every day."

Swings and roundabouts.


I hope you sort things out with your sister.
KiKi

Soubrette

I think you already feel bad about 'cancelling' christmas and so you really feel more of a sting from your sister than she intended. I personally think you made a logical albeit wrong deduction.

I think she was probably a bit surprised and obviously upset that part of her birthday present would be 'eked' out to cover both birthday and christmas. She may have intended a generous birthday present because of your job situation - but who knows, we're not mind readers.

Tbh it sounds to me like a classic situation where both people are talking but not communicating because they're both making assumptions about each other which are off the mark.

Can you just call her and say that you don't mind if the shirts were for just birthday or birthday/christmas but it was such a generous present that you had assumed it was for both - what does she want you to do.

And try not to feel so bad for not buying presents for the adults, I think it's very sensible of you, some will disagree but it's your life.

Good luck and please make up with your sister, you both sound like really nice people most of the time (just like the rest of us )

Buddingblonde

babyboysmommy wrote: »

You asked people to give their opinion & yet you are shooting down those who are not saying what you want to hear.

Do you want honest answers or not? If you do then you will get some you don't like as clearly you do feel your sister is in the wrong & don't believe you are over reacting which is what you asked people to comment about in your first post. Why ask if you have already decided you are reacting reasonably?

My opinion...sounds like an honest mistake on your part & you have nothing to feel bad about.

I am trying to take on board all opinions but I am finding it very difficult to accept some comments as I am only human!!! This fall out with my sister is the very thin end of the wedge and is causing me stress on top of stress from OH family, the stress of job hunting, the stress of trying to get the finances sorted before March and knowing that no matter what I do that some people will still think that I am in the wrong. I believe it is reasonable to cancel gifts and if the shoe was on the other foot and my sister was in the situation that I now find myself in I would give her as much love and support and understanding knowing how difficult it is for anyone to find themselves in this situation.

All very woe is me but when you arent sleeping and cant eat it is very hard to be 100% rational all the time.

KiKi

Just to point out that my comments about being the single sister are not aimed at the OP specifically, just an observation on what it's like being that person at Christmas time, financially!

KiKi

Nottoobadyet

OK - it was clear to you but also clearly not what your sister intended. If you had indeed expected presents while not giving them, you'd understand that she would be annoyed. She's clearly gotten the wrong end of the stick and you need to sort it out.

Sambucus_Nigra

Buddingblonde wrote: »

I am trying to take on board all opinions but I am finding it very difficult to accept some comments as I am only human!!! This fall out with my sister is the very thin end of the wedge and is causing me stress on top of stress from OH family, the stress of job hunting, the stress of trying to get the finances sorted before March and knowing that no matter what I do that some people will still think that I am in the wrong. I believe it is reasonable to cancel gifts and if the shoe was on the other foot and my sister was in the situation that I now find myself in I would give her as much love and support and understanding knowing how difficult it is for anyone to find themselves in this situation.

All very woe is me but when you arent sleeping and cant eat it is very hard to be 100% rational all the time.

I got made redundant last Nov and my next contract ends in March. There's no point in not sleeping and getting stressed as this will not help you. I'm not worried as something else will come along when the time is right. You will just make yourself ill and unemployable if you are stressed out.

downshifted

Buddingblonde wrote: »

I am trying to take on board all opinions but I am finding it very difficult to accept some comments as I am only human!!! This fall out with my sister is the very thin end of the wedge and is causing me stress on top of stress from OH family, the stress of job hunting, the stress of trying to get the finances sorted before March and knowing that no matter what I do that some people will still think that I am in the wrong. I believe it is reasonable to cancel gifts and if the shoe was on the other foot and my sister was in the situation that I now find myself in I would give her as much love and support and understanding knowing how difficult it is for anyone to find themselves in this situation.

All very woe is me but when you arent sleeping and cant eat it is very hard to be 100% rational all the time.

Why are you worrying about what "some people" think? You've done what you think best for your family

For what it is worth though, I understand your sister's position as well as yours and think you should talk to her about the misunderstanding and put it behind you.

Buddingblonde

Hi Kiki,
I have been the other side of the equation myself. I have found myself being the one with a good income and the no ties and expenses (when my sister was still a student and income was very tight for her and her OH at the time). It is hard being in a situation that you have to rely on yourself for everything all the time. I am sure that in many ways she will be jealous of my situation - I am certainly not jealous of hers. I would rather struggle for money and have a partner than be alone and never have to give money a though.

Buddingblonde

Sambucus_Nigra wrote: »

I got made redundant last Nov and my next contract ends in March. There's no point in not sleeping and getting stressed as this will not help you. I'm not worried as something else will come along when the time is right. You will just make yourself ill and unemployable if you are stressed out.

I am glad that you are able to cope like this and I wish I was able to manage my situation in the same way - at the moment however I am struggling. I am getting a lot of support from my mum (who has been a star) but aside from her, support is a little thin on the ground. OH's own job isnt secure so trying to support each other is difficult.

KiKi

Buddingblonde wrote: »

Hi Kiki,
I have been the other side of the equation myself. I have found myself being the one with a good income and the no ties and expenses (when my sister was still a student and income was very tight for her and her OH at the time). It is hard being in a situation that you have to rely on yourself for everything all the time. I am sure that in many ways she will be jealous of my situation - I am certainly not jealous of hers. I would rather struggle for money and have a partner than be alone and never have to give money a though.

Yes, and it may well be part of her reason for holidaying at Christmas - being away from all the happiness of couples and kids and family! I don't go away, but I do spend Christmas on my own because my sisters go to the kids' grandparents' families.

You and your sister sound like very nice people, there just seems to have been a misunderstanding on both sides - which is explainable, but both parties took it the wrong way!

Perhaps you could chat with her over the weekend? I'm sure she'd appreciate you being the bigger person and making the call!

KiKi