My partner has left home with our son

Bloomin_Freezing2

damsidebear wrote: »

just off the phone to them, what lovely people and great to talk to just to off load i suppose granted they couldn't give me an answer what to do regarding returning my son to his mother tomorrow night or not but have advised me to contact the scottish child law centre for advice regarding the issue. so thanks again BF2

Glad they could help, well to a certain degree. Seems like they could be a useful source to you. Your solicitor tomorrow will tell you exactly what to do, but if you are anything like me, if there is info you need to find out, you want the info right now! (I'm far too impatient for my own good )

damsidebear

Bloomin_Freezing2 wrote: »

Glad they could help, well to a certain degree. Seems like they could be a useful source to you. Your solicitor tomorrow will tell you exactly what to do, but if you are anything like me, if there is info you need to find out, you want the info right now! (I'm far too impatient for my own good )

Yes i do want to know right now unfortunately the helpline at Scottish child law closes at 4pm so fingers crossed someone in the know looks in on this thread and can give me a definitive answer!

Caroline_a

When I split up with my ex, he 'stole' my child (she was 9) while I was out for the day sorting out my furniture (she was with her grandpa). According to the solicitor he 'didnt do anything wrong' as she was his child, but additionally, I was quite within my rights to go and 'take her back'. Your wife has no more right than you (probably less imho) to have her child live with her. If you do not take him back I'm pretty sure you have done nothing wrong at all, you are just ensuring that your child remains in his familiar environment, rather than being uprooted to a strange place.

I think you may be ok here. You are the one with the transport, it will be difficult for her to come and get him, all you need to do is say something like 'I think it's best for him to stay with me as this is his family home'. Just be careful that any screaming matches (and I'm sure there will be some) are not instigated by you or in front of the child.

Caroline_a

Oh... and I just went and got her back. He tried to use her as a shield but unfortunately made the mistake of promising in front of her that he would bring her back the following day. Had he broken his promise then she would have known him to be a liar, and so he had to do it, but without a set residence order I think both of you are within your rights to have the little one with you. The courts will decide (if you both cannot) where he will live.

space_rider

I think not taking your son back to his mother is going to be the wrong thing to do. First he will be expecting to see his mum and will get upset. Also she is probably going to inform the police and I feel you will make it difficult for access in the future. Please just for now think about it in an unemotional way just so that you don`t cause problems for yourself in the future. The courts for now would probably award custody to his mother due to his age and you may spoil any chance just by not bringing him back.

I split up from my ex about 10 years ago but I did move to a house within a few miles from him just so our daughters could stay with their Dad 3 days a week from Thu- Sun and so they could go to the same school. Our youngest was 5 at the time. I would never have stopped them from having as near normal relationship with their Dad as possible and they have a brilliant relationship with both of us and we are amicable. We never went to the courts for access as I gave him the access that he wanted and quite rightly deserved.

I don`t believe a child should stay with whichever parent just because of the sex of the parent but which parent will be the best for the childs emotional and physical welbeing.

I have other friends who have done what is best for the children between them, so I do know it is possible even given the distance.

Kimitatsu

CAn I suggest though that if you are not going to take him back you spend the night at your Mums? That way, you have a witness to whatever is said (mum could come to you just as easily!) and also there is someone to look after your son if your ex partner decides to kick off and cause a scene.

It also means that there is someone to call the police should they be needed, to calm the situation down.

I can understand that she does not want to be thought of badly - but just tell everyone that she has gone away for a few days to recuperate, that way she leaves the door open to return.

Your son is settled at nursery - the fact that nursery have offered a supporting statement is hugely in your favour (ask them for it tomorrow) your Mum is his carer whilst you are at work and he will start school with his friends shortly, your partner currently has no income (as a student she cannot claim benefits) and you are fully employed. You need to emphasise that you will not restrict contact but that during the week she would need to travel to see him at his home and that he can visit her every other weekend.

HTH

Bloomin_Freezing2

space_rider wrote: »

I think not taking your son back to his mother is going to be the wrong thing to do. First he will be expecting to see his mum and will get upset. Also she is probably going to inform the police and I feel you will make it difficult for access in the future. Please just for now think about it in an unemotional way just so that you don`t cause problems for yourself in the future. The courts for now would probably award custody to his mother due to his age and you may spoil any chance just by not bringing him back.

I split up from my ex about 10 years ago but I did move to a house within a few miles from him just so our daughters could stay with their Dad 3 days a week from Thu- Sun and so they could go to the same school. Our youngest was 5 at the time. I would never have stopped them from having as near normal relationship with their Dad as possible and they have a brilliant relationship with both of us and we are amicable. We never went to the courts for access as I gave him the access that he wanted and quite rightly deserved.

I don`t believe a child should stay with whichever parent just because of the sex of the parent but which parent will be the best for the childs emotional and physical welbeing.

I have other friends who have done what is best for the children between them, so I do know it is possible even given the distance.

Sorry but I disagree with this part, surely because of his age he should stay with as much familiarity as possible, which is with his father, in his family home, with his own bedroom and toys. Continue going to the same nursery with his friends and continue to be looked after by his grandmother when his father is working.

But I am not the judge to make the dicision, it's just my opinion. I'm not trying to be confrontational, it just makes sence to me. The child is not old enough to make his own decisions, although at a family court the child would be spoken to and asked what his opinions were. There is so much that would have to be taken into account.

busiscoming2

damsidebear, I have been following your thread and wish I could give you the answers you are lookng for. You sound like such a caring dad and I really wish more fathers would be as accomodating in the event of a split. It is so nice to hear a father that wants his child for the right reasons and not just to use as a weapon against the mother.
I really hope this situation eases for you and you all come to a suitable arrangement.

clearingout

I agree with Kimitatsu - having a witness to anything that happens over the next few days will help keep things 'cool'. I think you are saying you live in Scotland? My own experience, for what it's worth, is English....

You are the father, keeping the child is not an issue. The police in England will not get involved UNLESS she lies through her teeth and says he's 'at risk'. My ex 'kept' our then 10 month old who was still breastfed overnight and despite court orders etc. refused to get involved.

You need to see a solicitor immediately and get the ball rolling. In England, you can get what's called an 'ex parte' hearing on the same day. You turn up at court, pay your money and sit there until a judge has 5 minutes to see you - you will be looking for some kind of temporary residency order whilst CAFCASS get involved (I don't actually think there is a cafcass in Scotland, is there?! there must be something similar, however) and help make a decision. Emphasize to your solicitior you are looking to be amicable - you are willing to talk and will go to mediation etc. but that for now, you consider it in your son's best interests that his life is maintained. Your situation, on paper at least, sounds 'better' than hers as you have income and are living where your son has always lived and offering him his usual routine. I would contact the nursery immediately - do it via e-mail NOW and make it clear that you are not, under any circumstances, authorising his removal from the nursery (she may try and give notice behind your back) and that he will continue there for as long as he is in your care. Follow it up in proper writing, hand it to the manager tomorrow and have a personal word. Keep a copy and demand a response/acknowledgement in writing.

Open a Word document and draw up a 2 column table. Date in one column, details of what has happened in the day in the other. write the detail of any conversations you have with her now, whislt it's fresh in your memory. You never know when you are going to need the detail, or indeed, what detail. Better to be over zealous (I have pages and pages!) than regret not having something later. The first 12 months of my separation are well document - more often than not now (2 years later), I just write 'nothing of consequency' but I am still keeping the diary!

Get yourself onto the Families Need Fathers website and have a look there - you may even find some local support with contact details. I also think that www.wikivorce.com is very helpful on these issues - there are people there with knowlege of Scottish law but the issue really is whether they are on line when you need them!

Keep your head. Don't say anything you might live to regret. Don't do anything you might live to regret (when things get heated, it is easy to lash out - I have often said that there were times in the early days of my separation that I'd have used a kitchen knife on my ex if there'd been one handy and I'm not usually that kind of person but stress, fear and guilt do funny things to people so just be aware of that and keep yourself in check). Good luck.

space_rider

I just don't think he should do anything to rock the boat blooming freezing. Things could turn out amicable but I can't see how not taking him back to his mum will help the situation. A child belongs exclusively to neither parent and I understand that his nursery toys bedroom etc is at his Dad's. But if it goes to court hastily and he gets a court official who awards residence to his mum his father then will have to go through the courts for access and the mum can say he said he would bring him back and he didn't and they decide he can't be trusted.