My partner has left home with our son

marshallka

clearingout wrote: »

I feel quite sure the child will adjust, and quickly, but is it fair that he has to?

Mum has made a decision for HER. Why is that automatically the right decision for THEIR child?

The options as I see them are:
a) stay with dad in home child has always known, stay at nursery, stay with grandma, routine is pretty much as it was before only mum is removed for a large period of time.
b) go with mum to new home, go to new nursery, get to know other grandma, dad is removed for a large period of time, routine is entirely new.

I know which makes more sense to me! Of course, there could be way more to this but 'bad' dads are not generally posting on websites trying to get advice about the best thing to do. They just tend to do what they think is right and to hell with the law and the consequences!

Sounds to me then that you are saying that mums that live in houses whereby they have put their child first maybe all along (by sticking with the father of the child and trying to make things work which is 50/50 these days) and then realised that the relationship is not working out (and obviously getting stressed by things as the OP mentioned) and the house belongs to the "father" alone they have no rights whatsoever. They have no choice than to give up their kids and move to the only roof they have that they obviously feel safe in ATM being their parents.

Maybe then by saying that it is a lesson to all unmarried mums in that if they decide to move into a home that belongs solely to your partner you have no rights in law and anything you decide is selfish so think twice.

If your relationship does not work out (obviously to many that it takes two to make a relationship work!!) for whatever reasons and you decide to move out you should leave behind your child as it would be wrong to take the child with you and only thinking of yourself..... hmmmmm....... not my view here!!!

Bloomin_Freezing2

Sounds like the thread is going slightly off track here. The OP posted saying his partner had up and left with his son with no prior warning and wanted advice as to what to do as he didn't want to lose his son, and wanted him home.

Should we all just have said to him 'Tough! The boy belongs with his mum, as do all children. Leave them to their new life and try to fit in some weekend visits'?

This poor guy (as we can only assume he had done no wrong as we do not know both sides of the story) has basically been shat on and wants some help to achieve the outcome that he desires.

clearingout

marshallka wrote: »

Sounds to me then that you are saying that mums that live in houses whereby they have put their child first maybe all along (by sticking with the father of the child and trying to make things work which is 50/50 these days) and then realised that the relationship is not working out (and obviously getting stressed by things as the OP mentioned) and the house belongs to the "father" alone they have no rights whatsoever. They have no choice than to give up their kids and move to the only roof they have that they obviously feel safe in ATM being their parents.

Maybe then by saying that it is a lesson to all unmarried mums in that if they decide to move into a home that belongs solely to your partner you have no rights in law and anything you decide is selfish so think twice.

If your relationship does not work out (obviously to many that it takes two to make a relationship work!!) for whatever reasons and you decide to move out you should leave behind your child as it would be wrong to take the child with you and only thinking of yourself..... hmmmmm....... not my view here!!!

You make some good points and I am not in disagreement. In fact, I fought for my own children through the court system when my ex husband decided he was the better parent for them - and one of his criteria was that he earned more and was better placed to care for them. He tried desperately hard to make me homeless by refusing to pay the mortgage on our family home, a home purchased on two full time wages whilst at the point of ex leaving, I was working only one day a week (and I was pregnant). I know how terrifying it is to not know what the hell is happening in your life and to be wanting very much to just glue it all back together.

The problem here is we are focusing on the rights of mum or dad and not the child. The child has a right to a decent, settled life and a relationship with both parents and his wider family. Pullling a child away from the life he has known is not necessarily the right thing to do just because it's right for mum. I think what the OP is looking for is just to hold onto his son in the short term whilst mum works out what it is she wants - he is hoping that their relationship might be saved (although I note that mum is saying this will not be the case). It would be better, would it not, to leave routine the same for the child whilst the couple worked out what was going on for them? If they were to work things out, the child would be backwards and forwards like a yo yo which can't be good for him either!

marshallka

clearingout wrote: »

You make some good points and I am not in disagreement. In fact, I fought for my own children through the court system when my ex husband decided he was the better parent for them - and one of his criteria was that he earned more and was better placed to care for them. He tried desperately hard to make me homeless by refusing to pay the mortgage on our family home, a home purchased on two full time wages whilst at the point of ex leaving, I was working only one day a week (and I was pregnant). I know how terrifying it is to not know what the hell is happening in your life and to be wanting very much to just glue it all back together.

The problem here is we are focusing on the rights of mum or dad and not the child. The child has a right to a decent, settled life and a relationship with both parents and his wider family. Pullling a child away from the life he has known is not necessarily the right thing to do just because it's right for mum. I think what the OP is looking for is just to hold onto his son in the short term whilst mum works out what it is she wants - he is hoping that their relationship might be saved (although I note that mum is saying this will not be the case). It would be better, would it not, to leave routine the same for the child whilst the couple worked out what was going on for them? If they were to work things out, the child would be backwards and forwards like a yo yo which can't be good for him either!

Blimey cleaningout, you have had your fair share then yourself.

I realise what you are saying also but I think sometimes if you desert a child that can then be used against you with a good solicitor backing you. It is hard on the OP but again, we have not heard the partners reasons (her believed reasons) for leaving....and we do not know how the relationship was in the house, a house that belonged solely to the father (which must have been hard when a relationship is a partnership). I think a thread like this is good for throwing up pros and cons also and nothing bad against the OP but it does give you food for thought.

I wish the opening poster all the best whatever he decides to do himself and just hope that things work out right and fair to all concerned. In lots of cases like the above bitterness gets the better in the end (how can they do this to me) and no-one thinks about the child. Solicitors too can see money involved in a big custody battle and the child suffers in the end. Just hope this one is sorted amicably.

clearingout

In the end, the child will more than likely live more with one parent than he will the other. That's a fact of relationship breakdown and is distressing for all concerned. I hate that my children go off to dad's house and I know my ex hates it that he doesn't see them 100% of the time. I know the children hate that they live between two houses and mum and dad argue a lot. But at least they see both of us and in me having the majority of care, I know that they will grow up seeing both parents - I know my ex was trying desperately hard to erase me from his life and, consequently, our children's lives.

I have read some dreadfully sad stories of men who never see their children again following the breakdown of a relationship. Mud gets thrown. Lies are told. Perfectly decent fathers suddenly find themselves battling against lies. They lose their temper, the police are called and they get thrown in a police cell giving mum the ammunition she needs. Children are in the middle of all of that and what they want gets lost. There is nothing more terrifying, for both mum and dad, to feel that you might lose your child. Why should it always be the men who compromise?

We don't even know about the house situation - my ex owned his house when we met, I moved in with him pretty quickly. He wanted to put me on the mortgage but in those days prior to having children, I was very independent and it didn't seem fair. It never occured to me that I was putting myself in a difficult position should the relationship breakdown and I feel quite sure, if the ex had known he was going to have to give me a share of that house down the line he would never have suggested it! Circumstances took over and I ended up as an owner about half way through our relationship. Good job, really!

OP, I hope you have had a productive day and we have given you some food for thought. It's a horrible situation to be in. I hope if you take anything away from this discussion it's that your son needs you both and that you work out a way of making sure that happens, whatever may happen between the two of you.

damsidebear

thought I'd give a brief update for those of you who are interested, after speaking to a solicitor about my situation he did say a high % leaned in my favour the only thing in my partners favour th Court would consider was if she wasn't working and could offer more time to our child than i because i was working and i could only offer his existing 'carer' so to speak! mental if you ask me but there you go.

I called my partner after my meeting with solicitor, she continued to insist that our son would be put into a nursery near her and that 'they would be living there now too! we argued the fact about his existing nursery, my partner wanted nothing to do with it so i was informed if i didn't return our son to her by 8pm last night she was calling the police! and hung the phone up, i left it 10 minutes and called back, her friend answered, we talked and explained no one wanted to argue and i have no issue returning our son tonight (Friday) as long as i can bring him back home on Sunday evening so he can attend his nursery!

This was agreed and i took our son back to his mum, it seems to be a lot easier face to face when we are talking and we did talk! so as things stand she is quite willing to allow our son to attend his existing nursery 3 days a week the i can take him to stay with her the other days (solicitors idea) (can't believe i never thought about it!) and i think this just may work and be the least unsettling for our little boy! and of course hopefully in the long run we might be able to rectify our relationship sometime but our son is paramount in all this!

So there you have it, the solicitor was very good and offered a lot of advice however the one thing he wouldn't advise me to do was whether or not to return our son to his mother he suggested talking to her first and then decide as this was a very delicate situation to be in.

damsidebear

clearingout wrote: »

You make some good points and I am not in disagreement. In fact, I fought for my own children through the court system when my ex husband decided he was the better parent for them - and one of his criteria was that he earned more and was better placed to care for them. He tried desperately hard to make me homeless by refusing to pay the mortgage on our family home, a home purchased on two full time wages whilst at the point of ex leaving, I was working only one day a week (and I was pregnant). I know how terrifying it is to not know what the hell is happening in your life and to be wanting very much to just glue it all back together.

The problem here is we are focusing on the rights of mum or dad and not the child. The child has a right to a decent, settled life and a relationship with both parents and his wider family. Pullling a child away from the life he has known is not necessarily the right thing to do just because it's right for mum. I think what the OP is looking for is just to hold onto his son in the short term whilst mum works out what it is she wants - he is hoping that their relationship might be saved (although I note that mum is saying this will not be the case). It would be better, would it not, to leave routine the same for the child whilst the couple worked out what was going on for them? If they were to work things out, the child would be backwards and forwards like a yo yo which can't be good for him either!

In a nut shell Yes! you are spot on! I'm trying to do the best initially for our son and then us as a couple and a family!

DUTR

damsidebear wrote: »

thought I'd give a brief update for those of you who are interested, after speaking to a solicitor about my situation he did say a high % leaned in my favour the only thing in my partners favour th Court would consider was if she wasn't working and could offer more time to our child than i because i was working and i could only offer his existing 'carer' so to speak! mental if you ask me but there you go.

I called my partner after my meeting with solicitor, she continued to insist that our son would be put into a nursery near her and that 'they would be living there now too! we argued the fact about his existing nursery, my partner wanted nothing to do with it so i was informed if i didn't return our son to her by 8pm last night she was calling the police! and hung the phone up, i left it 10 minutes and called back, her friend answered, we talked and explained no one wanted to argue and i have no issue returning our son tonight (Friday) as long as i can bring him back home on Sunday evening so he can attend his nursery!

This was agreed and i took our son back to his mum, it seems to be a lot easier face to face when we are talking and we did talk! so as things stand she is quite willing to allow our son to attend his existing nursery 3 days a week the i can take him to stay with her the other days (solicitors idea) (can't believe i never thought about it!) and i think this just may work and be the least unsettling for our little boy! and of course hopefully in the long run we might be able to rectify our relationship sometime but our son is paramount in all this!

So there you have it, the solicitor was very good and offered a lot of advice however the one thing he wouldn't advise me to do was whether or not to return our son to his mother he suggested talking to her first and then decide as this was a very delicate situation to be in.

So what are you going to do?
Lay back and take all the rubbish! ?
A high % leans in your favour , so it maybe worth exploring that avenue.
Don't forget to prepare yourself for the brown envelope from the CSA you will have to contribute 15% of your net salary, but from the flavour of your post, you are going to be raped for much more in total with little back in return.
Good luck, you are certainly going to need it now :eek:

damsidebear

DUTR wrote: »

So what are you going to do?
Lay back and take all the rubbish! ?
A high % leans in your favour , so it maybe worth exploring that avenue.
Don't forget to prepare yourself for the brown envelope from the CSA you will have to contribute 15% of your net salary, but from the flavour of your post, you are going to be raped for much more in total with little back in return.
Good luck, you are certainly going to need it now :eek:

I'm trying to keep my family together without going to court first and foremost, one day at a time and my son will continue to go to his existing nursery 'most of the week' i think thats a good compromise!

DUTR

damsidebear wrote: »

I'm trying to keep my family together without going to court first and foremost, one day at a time and my son will continue to go to his existing nursery 'most of the week' i think thats a good compromise!

I agree and I am in support of your quest, it is made more difficult if the other party is not willing to share the same outlook or principles.
It does not help with the majority of replies trying o make out as if you are somewhat even 50% to blame, yes children can adapt quite easily but how does that benefit the child in the long run having broken contact with their father? And spend so much time with someone who can act in such an irrational and irresponsible way (is she having an affair? :eek:) when such time comes that you meet a new partner who really does value you as a person, just watch and see how the child becomes a tool to further manipulate you, you have donated your juices and next your salary and for what ? A child you won't have any contact with! Is that what you hoped for from life?
Have a browse around the csa forum for an idea of what is in store for you with regards contact and maintainance