My partner has left home with our son

sjc3

damsidebear wrote: »

Last week (Monday) my partner was going into work but never went! She informed me by phone that day she wasn't coming home! For 5 whole days she had no contact with our son, on Friday she phones to inform me that a lawyer’s letter was on its way to me regarding her going for full custody of our son! She comes down to pick up her things speaks to our son for all of 30 seconds and away she goes!

I really do respect you clearingout. I have read many of your posts advising parents in similar positions to the OP. I am also sure from your own experiences that you have far greater knowledge than I of how best to handle these situations. The reason I felt that the childs mother was unstable was because of what is written above. Break up going on or not, these are not the actions of someone really in control and with her sons best interests at heart. How exactly the OP explained all this to a 4 year old child is beyond me.

I would not know where to start with my daughter if my husband suddenly behaved in the same way. I know she would be left distraught by it too.

Caroline_a

I had this happen to me, in fact my ex took my daughter when she was with her grandfather for a visit for a couple of hours. I spoke to a friend of mine who was married to a solicitor. He advised that I just go and get her, which I did. Huge row ensued, and I backed off as ex was using her as a shield and I didn't want her getting scared. However he then agreed to bring her back the following day, which he did - but then put me into court for residency.... I won't go into details, it was a traumatic time. I did get residency but it was a long path with him lying about me ('she goes out to clubs' - yeah right!!).

Unfortunately breakups create nasty situations and although most people want it to be 'civilised' it rarely is.

clearingout

sjc3 wrote: »

I really do respect you clearingout. I have read many of your posts advising parents in similar positions to the OP. I am also sure from your own experiences that you have far greater knowledge than I of how best to handle these situations. The reason I felt that the childs mother was unstable was because of what is written above. Break up going on or not, these are not the actions of someone really in control and with her sons best interests at heart. How exactly the OP explained all this to a 4 year old child is beyond me.

I would not know where to start with my daughter if my husband suddenly behaved in the same way. I know she would be left distraught by it too.

thanks sjc3. I suspect what has happened is that mum has 'done her best' to make it work and it's not working for her so she's upped and left. In the 5 days she had without her son and partner, she's had plenty of time to take stock and get some legal advice. She'll probably have been told that if she's not careful, her partner will be in a position to say that she abandonned the child so she's done what she needs to do to get him back under her care. In a roundabout way, then, she'll believe she's acting in his best interests. The fact that the OP refused her access the one time (and who can blame him, he's got a lot to lose) will give her justification for now holding on to the child as she's not sure she'll be 'allowed' to see him again. It doesn't matter how well she knows the OP and in her heart, knows that if she gives it a bit of time, they'll work things through in the child's best interests, she's acting out of fear and upset and just wants to make sure that she's got what she wants - her son. It's all understandable (and helps when you've been there, done that!) but is obviously difficult to see it when you're in the middle of it.

sjc3

I feel for any parents that are going through this. It must just be horrific. I dont have any experience of a relationship with children involved breaking down, so I guess I dont know how I or my other half would react. I guess grief and fear can make us all do things that we wouldn't normally.

OP I hope this can be resolved and that eventually your little boy can spend time with you and his mum in a way that makes all of your happy.

angelil

So sorry for your situation OP; following this thread now and really hoping it works out for you x

damsidebear

Well spoke to my lawyer today, who noted all and advised what she was doing, was obviously wrong. I instructed my lawyer not to send a letter until I attempted to talk her over the phone!

(I now realize that was a waste of time) I eventually got in touch with my ex, I managed to speak to my son for a moment too, I tried to reason with her about our son has the right to see both his parents and possibly stay with her for a few nights and vice versa and let the courts decide where our son is to be brought up in the not so distant future

(she is adamant it is going to court as in her eyes we can't agree on anything) what I found annoying for all I wanted to focus on our son she was more bothered about what was best for her!

I asked her about seeing my son, she doesn't want our son coming home to stay over night with me and if I want to see him I would need to go to her house! She also commented she is seeing her lawyer tomorrow again (I have my doubts) and ask his opinion about our son staying with me over night!

Well I will be instructing my lawyer tomorrow to post the letter to her.

I hope the above makes some sense as i have rambled on a bit!

I hope i can still sit down with my ex and talk things through but it's not looking good right now.

P.S i should also point out throughout the phone call i stayed calm and tried to reason, in the end my ex hung the phone up on me.

sjc3

Im glad you managed to speak with your son. That is a good thing. He will know that daddy is there for him and trying to talk things through with his mum. Kids, even at his young age, will pick up on this.

You did well to stay calm and collected throughout the call. It must have been very difficult for you. I get the impression that you are walking on eggshells round your ex at the moment so as not to trigger her not allowing you to see your son. This must be causing havoc to your emotional state. Rest assured a bit that now solicitors are involved this side of things should settle down.

My brother and Sil split up a while ago when he discovered she had been having an affair. He went through what you are, but sil came round and began to not walk all over him once they each got solicitors. In the end she walked away from my brother and their child. Very sad situation. He is a lone-parent now doing just fab.

Stay strong through this

damsidebear

sjc3 wrote: »

Im glad you managed to speak with your son. That is a good thing. He will know that daddy is there for him and trying to talk things through with his mum. Kids, even at his young age, will pick up on this.

You did well to stay calm and collected throughout the call. It must have been very difficult for you. I get the impression that you are walking on eggshells round your ex at the moment so as not to trigger her not allowing you to see your son. This must be causing havoc to your emotional state. Rest assured a bit that now solicitors are involved this side of things should settle down.

My brother and Sil split up a while ago when he discovered she had been having an affair. He went through what you are, but sil came round and began to not walk all over him once they each got solicitors. In the end she walked away from my brother and their child. Very sad situation. He is a lone-parent now doing just fab.

Stay strong through this

It was difficult to stay calm i have no shame admitting this but feel good that i managed it, you are 100% correct about 'walking on eggsells' i honestly don't want to set her off but after our conversation earlier i see no choice but to advise my lawyer to issue a letter to her. I am at the best of times an emotional guy this is just so overwhelming at times i just burst out crying. Ihonestly hope we can solve this for all the right reasons! ASAP.

sjc3

Of course this is overwhelming. A good percentage of posters on this forum are parents. Not one of us would cope well with having a relationship break down and suddenly have a child that we loved unconditionally taken away from us. I would be an absolute mess if I were ever in your position.

You have seen a solicitor after trying to resolve things direct with your ex. Even after meeting the solicitor today you asked them to hold off sending out a letter so as you could have another try at communicating direct with your ex. She has made it clear that things will be handled through the courts from now on, I imagine that prospect must be frightening in itself.

Your solicitor sending out a letter wont make things any worse but will formalise things. No bad thing. It might focus your ex partners attention and make her see things more clearly.

I hope you have a strong support network of friends and family who are there helping you through this time.

damsidebear

sjc3 wrote: »

Of course this is overwhelming. A good percentage of posters on this forum are parents. Not one of us would cope well with having a relationship break down and suddenly have a child that we loved unconditionally taken away from us. I would be an absolute mess if I were ever in your position.

You have seen a solicitor after trying to resolve things direct with your ex. Even after meeting the solicitor today you asked them to hold off sending out a letter so as you could have another try at communicating direct with your ex. She has made it clear that things will be handled through the courts from now on, I imagine that prospect must be frightening in itself.

Your solicitor sending out a letter wont make things any worse but will formalise things. No bad thing. It might focus your ex partners attention and make her see things more clearly.

I hope you have a strong support network of friends and family who are there helping you through this time.

unfortunately in my opinion this will only enrage her even more but i have been left with no option!

On another note my son is worth every penny this possible court case may cost but according to my solicitor i dont qualify for legal aid but i'm guessing he means i don't qualify for 'advice and assistance' but looking at the actual 'legal aid calculator' for if and when a case goes to court i do qualify albeit i would need to make a contribution to the ammonut!

can anyone tell me what 'advice & assistance' is likely to cost?