Some Advice

paddy's_mum

Unfortunately, if - as you say - you cannot accept things, then prepare yourself for a great deal of heartache and misery when you box your father into a corner and he comes out swinging punches.

Do you know what hit my ears the hardest? It was when you said that you thought she must be after something. Have you any idea how damaging that allegation would be if your father or his new lady ever got to hear of it, especially as you also describe her as a nice person?

Hard as the situation is for you, you are going full pelt into family disaster if you won't find a way to deal with your feelings.

I have one more comment and it is this .. none of this is actually any of your business unless you are now to tell us that he is already suffering from senile dementia and all his friends and relatives are uniting to protect him.

I do understand that you are feeling very unhappy about all this but won't you heed the warnings? Your attitude is rushing you headlong over a precipice .....

Pollycat

Here's a very similar thread from earlier this year:
https://forums.moneysavingexpert.com/discussion/2667219=

post #31 is a view from the other side - the Dad's new partner - and although circumstances are different in that there was quite a few years from the death of the first wife to the meeting of the new woman, I think it gives a 'worst case' scenario of what might happen if the OP continues with her disapproval of her Dad's new partner.

And, ihatecapta, whilst I apologise for mis-quoting you from your earlier post, I think that instead of !!!!!footing around the OP as you suggest

ihatecaptcha wrote: »

But I think that telling her it's nothing to do with her is not the best way to help her get to a point where she can accept it.

maybe she needs to accept that she's not the most important person in her Dad's life and, going on what she's posted about her Dad's attitude to the way she and her brother are feeling, unless she changes the way she feels then she might just end up minus a grandad for her baby when it arrives.

That may be brutal but the OP needs to consider the possible consequences of this.

I do have sympathy for her situation but can see this ending in tears for her and her brother.

TroubledMind

Sorry but I do think you need to let your Dad make his own mistakes and be there to pick up the pieces if need be. If you try to stop him marrying he may well end up isolated from you and the rest of his family.
As for your brother moving out well sometimes when your parents re-marry the new wife sees the children as a threat, my ex-stepmum certainly did with me and my brothers and sister and she threw me out at 17, not really much you can do about it if your Dad won't listen though.:(

Pollycat

lisaf wrote: »

Also, would just like to say after reading most of the comments on this post - I'm glad none of you are in my family.

Lisa, so what does that mean?

That everybody who has a parent who has been widowed should want to put a limit on when it's OK for that parent to start dating again?
And only date people who the children think are suitable?

If you're that sort of person, I'm glad you're not in my family. :cool:

I think everybody who hasn't agreed with the OP can see where this might lead.

tasha-debt

lisaf wrote: »

Hi sharkeybabe,


Also, would just like to say after reading most of the comments on this post - I'm glad none of you are in my family.
Good luck sharkey
Lisa x

Totally agree with that comment, if I lost my mum then felt i was losing my dad I would be devastated. Sharkey talk to your dad hon, try and clear the air with him and see if you can come to an arrangement about your brother x

ihatecaptcha

Pollycat wrote: »

And, ihatecapta, whilst I apologise for mis-quoting you from your earlier post, I think that instead of !!!!!footing around the OP as you suggest

What is !!!!footing? Is it a censorship of p-u-s-s-yfooting? That's rather funny. But it's an odd word to use. Trying to be sympathetic to people when they're in pain is not what I would call p-u-s-s-yfooting. P-f-ing is when you're afraid to say what you really think.

(snip more sniping at OP)

That may be brutal but the OP needs to consider the possible consequences of this.

The possible consequences have been pointed out by many posters in this thread, usually thank goodness in a more sympathetic way. In the end, she is the one who has to live with the situation, and it will be up to her how she decides to handle it.

I do have sympathy for her situation but can see this ending in tears for her and her brother.

Think the tears have already arrived. Don't make her feel worse than she does already.

consultant31

Is there any way your brother could come to live with you for a while until he finds his feet?

My Dad died 3 years ago and Mum is still 'talking' to him every day, but as someone else said, women seem to take much longer to move on than men. I wonder if it has something to do with men needing to have someone look after them.

I do think you should find a way of dealing with this as your Dad isn't going to change his mind is he? If you can't take it in your stride I fear you will lose your Dad as well as your Mum.

I don't know how old your Dad is, but if he wants to move on, he perhaps thinks it needs to be sooner rather than later, before he's too old

Congratulations and good luck with your pregnancy

katie1234

I totally sympathize. My parents are divorced although pretty much the same scenario. My dad is unrecognisable to the person he was before he met his gf. I haven't seen him in almost a year and it's so hard to explain what it's like when someone takes over. As for your brother, he shouldn't have to move out. Your parents chose to have him so your dad has a duty to look after him. So what if some people move out when they're younger. Some don't and if he's not ready he shouldn't be pushed out. Comments on this thread that suggest u should deal with it etc I think are insensitive and unnecessary. Moving on is one thing, being selfish is another.

mountainofdebt

OP

I can fully understand where you are coming from .....not only have you lost your mum but your dad has apparently seemed to move on very quickly, that evidence of your mum is being erased from the family home and basically the son is being asked to leave home.

To me its almost as if your dad is being isolated from his family.

In my case my MIL died and within 6 months FIL had met someone else, and after a further 3 months, she had moved in. Very shortly afterwards the family home was completed gutted and it seemed that everything that had any connection to my MIL was removed.

As others have said, I doubt very much that the FIL would have agreed to the changes had he not minded, but to me at least it was wrong but as he wasn't my father I couldn't say anything and OH and (as far as I'm aware) SIL never said anything to him either.

However when FIL died alot of things come out - it seems that we all knew bits (including FIL's brother ) but none of us knew the whole story....needless to say OH was upset at what he learnt.

You say that the new partner was someone who your dad had been accused of having an affair with. Could it be that you associate this woman with an unhappy period in your parents' marriage and that if it had been anyone else, your reaction might have been different

Sounds as if though you need to be honest with yourself about your dad's relationship before you can talk honestly with him

meritaten

sorry - but if it was mum I feel that the posts may be different here.

OP - you need to talk to dad and tell him that as he hasnt sorted out mums headstone etc - you FEEL that he has forgotten her. there is a difference between respecting the deceased and getting on with your life.
his GF is his business - BUT - its up to HER to fit into your family - not the other way around!