Some Advice

ihatecaptcha

sharkeybabe wrote: »

Thank you for your comments and whilst I do understand where you are coming from, I feel like I have to be there to protect my brother.
Proc - you may have moved out at the age of 16 as did I, but my brother is not old enough (in his head) to live on his own - I would worry myself sick if he had to do that. The point with regards to this is that my dad should not be pratically throwing him out of the door, so he can move his GF in and make her feel comfortable.

I can well understand that you would feel protective towards your younger brother, following your mother's death. Do you think you have been trying to fill her shoes, be a mother to him and look after him? It would be very natural if you felt like that, but believe me it's not a good road for either you or your brother. At 20 years old he's an adult, he has to learn to cope with the ups and downs that life may bring him. Moving out to live on his own should be a great experience for him. You say he is a "young" 20, but as long as he stays on in the family home, he probably will remain "young". He needs to move out to grow up. After all, you will still be around to lend him a hand or give him advice if he needs it, and probably your father will too.

Would it help to talk to a professional counsellor about your grief for your mother? It's such a shock when someone dies suddenly. It can take a long time to get over it, especially when it's your parent.

tasha-debt

Proc wrote: »

Take the hint. I think it's been spelt out to you rather politely - possibly far more politely than your dad would explain it if he read these posts.

Your brother has no right to live there. He's lived there for 20 years? And what? The last 4 years your dad has done him a favour by keeping a roof over his head. He pays £400 a month to live there. Which means exactly that; move out and he no longer has to pay. If it's so extortionate why not just move out? Simple; because £400/month is nothing for living costs these days. You say he's a "young" 20 year old? Well maybe this would be a kick up the backside to grow up a little.

You may not agree with your dad's choices, but they are his choices. His home, his life. Stop interfering because you seem to think it's some kind of shared house.

edit; The penny has just dropped. You don't want her spending your inheritance money.

Im sorry but you are wrong. Imagine losing your Mum suddenly then within a year he feels like he is losing his Dad too, being asked to leave his family home so soon after losing his Mum is cruel....................... no matter how old he is he needs his Dad at the moment..... I would be devastated if it happend to me and my Dad asked me to leave my family home because he wanted to move his new girlfriend in.

Whats happened to familys sticking together in the bad times......

sharkeybabe

Proc - I really dont think there is a need to speak to me like that and I dont need to take a hint for anything- you know nothing of my or my familys situation and what I came here for was some advice on a delicate situation that I am personally going through at the moment.
My brother who as you said is 20 years old, but unfortuantely is not 100% able to live on his own - I dont think he would cope well with it. Nothing to do with giving his backside a kick and god help any child of yours if that is how you would treat them once they got to a certain age!
I am not interfering in my dad's life and I certainly dont think that his house is some kind of shared house, just a home that we all lived in whilst we were growing up and I just cant understand why my dad has suddenly changed heart with everything.

sharkeybabe

Thank you Tasha Debt your so kind! I agree with you, that I do want my dad to be happy but I also want my brother to be safe and happy to and at the moment he is not, he is devasted that all this is happening!
I have tried so many times to get my dad to help us arrange getting a plaque for my mum, but he is never interested. My DH has said already that maybe my brother and I should go ahead and do it ourself, but it feels wrong not to do it with my dad. But maybe that is something I will have to get used to.
Thanks again. xxx

Pollycat

sharkeybabe wrote: »

Proc - I really dont think there is a need to speak to me like that and I dont need to take a hint for anything- you know nothing of my or my familys situation and what I came here for was some advice on a delicate situation that I am personally going through at the moment.
My brother who as you said is 20 years old, but unfortuantely is not 100% able to live on his own - I dont think he would cope well with it. Nothing to do with giving his backside a kick and god help any child of yours if that is how you would treat them once they got to a certain age!
I am not interfering in my dad's life and I certainly dont think that his house is some kind of shared house, just a home that we all lived in whilst we were growing up and I just cant understand why my dad has suddenly changed heart with everything.

I think if your Dad were to read this thread, he'd have a different opinion.

sharkeybabe

I would hope my dad would understand the way I felt about things. But Im sure you are right Pollycat.

Pollycat

sharkeybabe wrote: »

Thank you Tasha Debt your so kind! I agree with you, that I do want my dad to be happy but I also want my brother to be safe and happy to and at the moment he is not, he is devasted that all this is happening!
I have tried so many times to get my dad to help us arrange getting a plaque for my mum, but he is never interested. My DH has said already that maybe my brother and I should go ahead and do it ourself, but it feels wrong not to do it with my dad. But maybe that is something I will have to get used to.
Thanks again. xxx

I think you want your Dad to be happy - but on your terms, not his.

I can only see you getting hurt if you don't accept what he wants to do.

You might not want to hear this, but are you sure your Mum & Dad were happy together?

sharkeybabe wrote: »

He got back in touch with an old "friend" of his and they started going out. This particular friend had been accused of having an affair with my dad a couple of years before my mum died, although he has always denied this.

Who did the accusing?

Although you and your brother are still going through the grieving process, maybe your Dad has had more time to come to terms with it.

patchwork_cat

Having lost both my parents and had a step father 'move on with his life' I know where you are coming from. The problem is there is nothing you can do about it. The only thing you can do is talk to your dad adult to adult about your brother and be supportive of your brother. This is a horrible situation .

Pollycat

sharkeybabe wrote: »

I would hope my dad would understand the way I felt about things. But Im sure you are right Pollycat.

But I think the whole point of you starting this thread is that your Dad doesn't understand the way you feel about things.

Caroline_a

Is your brother incapacitated in some way? you seem to be implying that he is unable to live on his own, rather than he doesnt want to, and at his age most students are living happily away from home without a backward glance. If so, (and I'm making an assumption here) could Social Services help to find him a supported place to live? In the long term it could be the best thing for him.

As far as your dad goes, I understand your unhappiness, but, just as you wouldnt have wanted your parents choosing your husband and dictating your life to you, I'm sure your dad doesn't want you to do the same to him. I don't mean to be unkind, and I'm sure you are still hurting a lot from your mum's death, but you need to understand that if this lady is now the one that your dad wants to spend the rest of his life with, then you will have to find a way to get on with her - or possibly lose your relationship with your father, which I'm sure nobody wants.

You have a new baby coming, and I'm sure your dad will be thrilled to be part of his/her life, but if you become bitter as a result of the new GF, then that may not happen... and that will be a shame for all, including the little one.