Some Advice

tasha-debt

sharkeybabe wrote: »

Thank you Tasha Debt your so kind! I agree with you, that I do want my dad to be happy but I also want my brother to be safe and happy to and at the moment he is not, he is devasted that all this is happening!
I have tried so many times to get my dad to help us arrange getting a plaque for my mum, but he is never interested. My DH has said already that maybe my brother and I should go ahead and do it ourself, but it feels wrong not to do it with my dad. But maybe that is something I will have to get used to.
Thanks again. xxx

Arrange a time with your Brother and tell your Dad why you are going to do, say you really want him to be there so the three people who loved your Mum the most can choose her plaque together but I agree if he shows no interest in this then I think your Brother and you should do it your self.

I think you really need to sit down with your Dad for a heart to heart. You need to explain to him that you want him to be happy but not at your Brothers expense. See if you can come to an agreement to let your Brother stay for say 1 more year. During that year you and your Dad can teach him the life skills he needs to move out and live an independant life. Some people need more help than others thats just a fact of life.

xxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxx

Edit: Just seen that you are pregnant, congratulations.

Miss_J

Sharkey, I kind of know where you're coming from. I had a similar experience many years ago. My mum died suddenly and unexpectedly when I was 15 and my dad fell apart, so much so that he was even hospitalised. I was the youngest child and had siblings aged 17, 19 and 21 however the 2 oldest at the time didn't live at home. My whole family life fell apart and it was a very dark time for me and the rest of the family. Gradually things improved and my dad started to see some hope in his life and started to get out and about, even taking holidays on his own to get used to it. 2 Years later my dad met a new partner, someone who was 20 years younger than him and me and my siblings were initially happy that he had found someone new.

This happy environment didn't last, my middle siblings were struggling with their grief and when my dad's new partner moved in the family relationship deteriorated. I could see it from both sides, I knew my dads partner found it very difficult to live in another women's house and gradually started changing things, something that met with anger from my middle siblings. My brother even moved back in at the age of 21 declaring it his family home, and things were very difficult between him, my dad and my dads partner.

I think the key is that grief is a very individual process, everyone goes through the grief process at different stages and some may even regress back to earlier stages in the grieving process, this may mean that some move forward quicker than others and this can lead to resentment from others that the person who has died has been forgotten. Have you looked to any support in terms of grieving, places like Winstons Wish (mainly children) or bereavement support, they may offer support to the whole family, which would allow everyone to air their feelings and perhaps then a calmer family relationship will ensue.

It's now 20 years since my dad met and remarried his new partner and for me my life has moved on. I'm glad that my dad reinvented his life, when he felt all was lost and I'm glad that he has a partner that is supportive and loving of him. For me I have a supportive stepmother, someone who sees herself as grandmother to my children and my children call her their grandma on earth. But the memories never die, my child know who my mum was and we all talk as a family (my dad and is partner too) about my mum and the memories we have. Sadly the same can't be said about my siblings, my middle 2 siblings have never really accepted my step mum, my sister refuses any contact with my dad or stepmum and my brother is very hit and miss in his relationship with her. My oldest sibling is very much like me and is happy that my dad has someone by his side.

It is such a difficult time any family but I really feel that if support had been available to my family 20 years ago we would still be close instead of torn apart. Please access your Gp and online support agencies and find someone who can help all your family.

Errata

sharkeybabe wrote: »

It was my dad's GF that told my brother that it was time to leave the house.

Pollycat - I have never once asked him not to move on without our permission - All I had said to him was that I understand if you feel you have to move on but not to be to upset if it takes my brother and I a bit longer. His responce to this was not to worry that nothing was serious and he wouldnt be getting heavily involved with anyone. Obviousley I know that things can change, but he should have still discussed this fully with us first. Also Polly - I hope you have more of a heart than I obviousley do. But I certainly hope that neither one of your parents put you through the heartache that mine has done to me and my brother.

Discussed things fully with you first? What would you have done if you didn't like what he planned to do, grounded him?
Whilst your reaction is not so unusual, it's intensity and your sense of entitlement with regard to what your father does is.
Many widowers marry again quickly if they have had an extremely happy first marriage and want to replicate it.

ihatecaptcha

Errata wrote: »

Discussed things fully with you first? What would you have done if you didn't like what he planned to do, grounded him?
Whilst your reaction is not so unusual, it's intensity and your sense of entitlement with regard to what your father does is.
Many widowers marry again quickly if they have had an extremely happy first marriage and want to replicate it.

Come on, cut her some slack. She's expecting her first baby and grieving that her mother won't be there to see her grandchild. People's view of a situation is not necessarily very clear with such strong emotions pulling and towing. She obviously feels like her father is being disloyal to her mother, and feels like she too would be disloyal to her mother if she didn't do everything in her power to fight off the person she sees as an interloper.

The hard facts are that the father is absolutely entitled to move on with his life and form a new relationship, and there's a much better chance of it working if he and his new partner can have their home to themselves. That's probably what is going to happen, regardless of objections from other family members, so let's just hope that the OP can come to accept it and accept the new partner as her baby's step-grandmother.

sueeve

Grief takes everybody in different ways. Your Dad, you say, was inconsolable, and has tried to ease this pain by the 'new' relationship. Your pain is made worse by this, and I imagine that is the situation with your brother. You all need support, and you are none of you strong enough to give it. I think that if you see your doctor he will be able to point you to support for you and your brother. If this new marriage works it may be in the long term good for all of you, but you are not ready for it as he is. So I really think you need to stand back from your father's way of dealing with loss and concentrate upon your own. Try to keep things very relaxed and non demanding with your father, and things will heal in the fulness of time. The longer you scratch at his wound the longer it will take.
I don't imagine that a plaque, or no plaque, will make any difference to the way he remembers the life he had with your mum, in all its joys and difficulties. But that is for him alone to know. Perhaps he can't face it at the moment.

Pollycat

ihatecaptcha wrote: »

Come on, cut her some slack. She's expecting her first baby and grieving that her mother won't be there to see her grandchild. People's view of a situation is not necessarily very clear with such strong emotions pulling and towing. She obviously feels like her father is being disloyal to her mother, and feels like she too would be disloyal to her mother if she didn't do everything in her power to fight off the person she sees as an interloper.

The hard facts are that the father is absolutely entitled to move on with his life and form a new relationship, and there's a much better chance of it working if he and his new partner can have their home to themselves. That's probably what is going to happen, regardless of objections from other family members, so let's just hope that the OP can come to accept it and accept the new partner as her baby's step-grandmother.

I don't think it's a case of cutting the OP some slack.
She's asked for advice and quite a few people have told her that - in their opinion - it's nothing to do with her what her father has chosen to do, exactly as you say in your 2nd paragraph.

I agree with Errata - why should the OP's Dad "have discussed this fully" with her and her brother first?

I think if the OP doesn't accept that it's up to her Dad what he does, it may well end up as a family rift and that would be very sad for all concerned given the coming birth of her baby.

swiss69

I think men see bringing up children as exactly that. Once you reach 18 a man is more likely to see it as job done, unlike mothers who seem to worry/fuss/be sensitive to childrens needs all of their lives.

I personally think its a bit harsh asking for your brother to move out just yet but your brother perhaps needs to be more accepting of the situation.

Parents often despair of the choices their children make in life but bite their lip and offer support and a shoulder to cry on when it all goes wrong. For some reason children find it very difficult to do the same when it concerns their parents

ihatecaptcha

Pollycat wrote: »

I don't think it's a case of cutting the OP some slack.
She's asked for advice and quite a few people have told her that - in their opinion - it's nothing to do with her what her father has chosen to do, exactly as you say in your 2nd paragraph.

I didn't say it's nothing to do with her, I said he's entitled to do it. That's a very different thing. Of course it's something to do with her. When a parent remarries it *always* has an impact on their children. It's often not an easy situation.

I think if the OP doesn't accept that it's up to her Dad what he does, it may well end up as a family rift and that would be very sad for all concerned given the coming birth of her baby.

I agree. But I think that telling her it's nothing to do with her is not the best way to help her get to a point where she can accept it.

Good luck, OP. I hope it works out ok for all of you in the long run.

clairehi

OP, I would feel exactly like you do. I lost both my father and MIL about 3 years ago. FIL has also "moved on" very quicky similarly to your dad.

It seems lke your Dad is thinking about his loss, but not yours. He can find himself another wife but you can never find yourself another Mum.

His new partner and relationship are a new part of his life that you cannot share, unlike his relationship with your Mum which was part of your family life from the day you were born . It is totally understandable that you are mourning the loss of your "birth family" as well as your Mum. Your Dad however may not have thought of
it like that.

Some people do not cope well with the loneliness of widowhood and are not very good at looking after themselves alone so they do jump into another relationship. your Dad may also feel that he does not want to waste any time as he now knows how fragile life is. he has not handled the situation with you and your brother at all well but that is just the way he is. All I can suggest is that you try and forgive your Dad for being so ham-fisted and recognise that although he is not perfect, he doesnt mean to hurt you on purpose.

it sounds like your brother does need to move out, although thiws would not be ideal for him, as living with the honeymoon couple would be intolerable. Are you able to help him in making plans and looking for somewhere to live?

lisaf

Hi sharkeybabe,

didn't want to just read and run! I'm totally with you on this one and would feel exactly the same. Men for some reason move on to another partner so much more quickly than women do.
A close friend of mine lost his Mum 2 years ago and she and his Dad had been together since they were about 14. He was naturally devastated but within about 6 months had met and moved in an alcoholic woman with mental health issues! My friend was not even that bothered that it was so quick but the fact that this woman was just a nightmare.
He now doesn't feel comfortable in his own home anymore and he and his Dad haven't spoken for ages. No matter how old your kids are surely a little more understanding and tact would be nice?
I also have a much younger brother still at home who so isn't ready to move out and is very young for his age in many ways and in your situation, I would offer him a home with me.
Also, would just like to say after reading most of the comments on this post - I'm glad none of you are in my family.
Good luck sharkey
Lisa x