Some Advice

Savvy_Sue

It may be worth leaving the things you can't change, and seeing what you can do about the things you can change.

You can't change what your Dad has done, or how he feels. You can't change his g/f's attitude.

But you and your brother can organise a headstone, if you'd like to do that, and if it would make you feel better, why not? Tell your Dad you'd like to do so - you may need his permission if he bought the plot, but I'm not sure - and consult him, but if it would make YOU feel better, why would you wait?

You and your brother can consider what he'd need in order to be able to move out: you don't say if he's studying, working or has a disability, but you could see if there is a Foyer in your area, or other supported housing for young people. Or does he have friends who'd be interested in a flatshare?

The thing is, your brother's not going to be happy at home, and it's not likely that he can do anything to change the situation there, so he also needs to think about what he CAN change.

Never mind what the situation would be in an ideal world - you have to deal with the world you're in.

Pollycat

ihatecaptcha wrote: »

What is !!!!footing? Is it a censorship of p-u-s-s-yfooting? That's rather funny. But it's an odd word to use. Trying to be sympathetic to people when they're in pain is not what I would call p-u-s-s-yfooting. P-f-ing is when you're afraid to say what you really think.

(snip more sniping at OP)

The possible consequences have been pointed out by many posters in this thread, usually thank goodness in a more sympathetic way. In the end, she is the one who has to live with the situation, and it will be up to her how she decides to handle it.

Think the tears have already arrived. Don't make her feel worse than she does already.

P U S S Y footing - the website censors this.
It doesn't mean "you're afraid to say what you really think".
Check it out in a dictionary.

Indeed it will be the OP (and her brother) who will have to live with the consequences.

And I meant even more tears than have been shed already.

The OP asked for advice, she'd already posted on another almost identical thread jut over 2 months ago with some pretty similar replies so I'm not sure what she expected to get this time round.

freyanneke_2

She expected to find a way to feel better about all this and find a way forwards.

Nixer

As has been said I think you need to focus on the stuff you can do something about i.e. your brother (and the plaque). Could you perhaps help him find somewhere to stay and get into a bit of a routine - perhaps he could come to yours for dinner one night a week or come round on sunday afternoon or something like that? It's probably not going to be very pleasant staying there anyway if she doesn't want him there.

Have you had any kind of counselling or independent support with your grief? I went almost round the bend with grief (I'm not saying you have gone round the bend btw!) about 18 months after my dad died and I did find counselling useful. I have considerable sympathy with some of what you are feeling, although I do think your Dad's life is his business.

Loanranger

You, your brother and your father had the most awful shock when you lost your mother so suddenly.
Perhaps your father has now decided to live every day as if it were his last.

It's his life and I don't agree with the other posters who have suggested having a good talk with him. He will not appreciate it. He may decide that you want him to choose between his new wife and his children. This would be disastrous and everyone will get hurt.

Leave him to sort out his life and where his son lives and start building bridges in the family in readiness for your new baby.

jakem_2

I think your dad has well and truly moved on, and not having a go, but I think he is a bit selfish as well.
Of course he is entitled to his own life, and to move on, but he seems to forget there are two children who it appears he is shutting out.

I agree in a way that your brother is old enough to move out, but that is not the issue, the issue is the GF, who is the interloper as such telling him to move out, out of his own home!!!

Has dad any comment to make about the GF giving the orders?, does dad want son to go?

I think its so wrong that dad has been swept along, and is now a bit tunnel visioned, and not even thinking about his son, or even listening to what you have to say.

If it goes tats up, and if you think she has a bigger agenda, then he will be the one lost out, as he will have alienated his son, and you.

paddy's_mum

I'm getting more cross with this situation by the minute - far too many people are describing the Dad as though he's some sort of bundle in a game of pass-the-parcel!

He's not - he's a grown man who has done every jot of his duty in providing for and rearing two children to adulthood and no longer has obligations of any sort whatever towards them! I wonder how the 'children' would react if he were to intrude on the decisions they as adults themselves are entitled to make and began dictating to them in the kind of terms that have been so evident in this thread :mad:

Dad can be as selfish as he wishes. He owes those children nothing. He has a life of his own to live and has made it abundantly clear that he will continue to do so with or without their approval.

It is not (as was previously referred to) ''our house''. It never was. It is the Dad's house and if he wishes to invite or allow a new partner into it, that does not make her an ''interloper'', a remark that I find wildly unjust!

For all any of us, including the OP, know, the Dad has asked New Lady to deal with pushing this son out of the nest so as to avoid being blamed for it, especially if he is of the anything-for-a-quiet-life type.

The ''issue'' here is not tunnel vision, or selfishness, or the onset of senility, or being in the clutches or a gold-digger, or dispossessing a child of the roof over his head. The issue is that a daughter is unable to see that unless she finds a way to deal with the loss of her position as her daddy's little darling as well as her continuing grief over the death of her mother, she will have created created created CREATED a family rift that may last until her father's own death.

By adopting a hostile attitude towards New Lady, the OP is going the right way to force Dad to choose. I'd bet money that he WILL choose Hopeful Future over Sad Past and that is the tragedy so clearly looming on the OP's horizon.

tasha-debt

paddy's_mum wrote: »

Dad can be as selfish as he wishes. He owes those children nothing. He has a life of his own to live and has made it abundantly clear that he will continue to do so with or without their approval.

When you have children you choose to be a parent for life and to say he owes them nothing is so so selfish. Sharkey does not want anything but her Dad's love and support of her and her Brother, that should be unconditional no matter how old they are.

The GF has entered their life’s at a time when the most devastating thing has happened to them. She should understand this and want to support her partner and make his life easier and happier. Yes the Dad has every right to move on if he wishes but a bit of understanding that his children have not moved on so fast is called for. Familes should pull together in the bad times.

Sharkey, if you are still reading this I hope you are have been able to talk to your Dad honey and resolve some of the bad feelings bewteen you all. Im sure when you have your baby this will pull you together as a family.

kegg_2

Would you leave your OH if your dad didn't like you having a partner?
Would you not have your unborn baby if your dad said it was too soon after the loss of your mum to be having a baby?

No i thought not , so why do you think you have the right to tell your dad how he should be living his life. He has lost his wife but that doesn't mean he has to spend the rest of his life alone with maybe the odd date that you approve of.
You might not be ready to move on but he is. Why should he be on his own and lonely when he has found someone who can make him happy. It doesn't mean he loved your mum any less infact it could be the opposite as he is trying to recreate what he has before (a happy marriage and someone to share his life with)

As to the fact she is spending his money on redoing the house, so what it is his money and his house so nothing to do with you.

And your brother is an adult but you seem to think he is not capable of living on his own and has some sort of birthright to staying in the family home.
You haven't said if he has some sort of disability so i cant comment but even if he has i dont see you falling over yourself to offer your brother a home either.

Desperado99

Hi Sharkey,

No real advice to give, but just to say the first girlfriend is always the worst. It's hard to accept somebody else in your father's life. My dad's first girlfriend after my mum dying (18months afterwards) was a real piece of work and saw him as a bit of a cash cow.

Luckily it fizzled out after about 6 months and he now has a lovely girlfriend (he was actually her first boyfriend after her husband died and her daughter has had real problems accepting him!)

They may get married or they may not, but he is an adult and gets to make his own choices whether you like them or not.

best wishes, and I hope it all works out in the end