Some Advice

DVardysShadow

You need to pick a line between the issues which are worth working on and those where you have absolutely no business getting involved.

While the gf might be the root cause of your discomfort over your brother, you have to respect dad's choice of gf. So all you are left to deal with where you probably would be right to get involved is the situation of brother. A lot depends on his circumstances [job? education? etc?] as to when he should move out. I would say the only intervention should be to secure a period of time [3 months? to 2 years? depending on circumstances] over which he makes a transition to living on his own. And brother needs to play his part in sorting out his move from the home.

sharkeybabe

Thank you for all your replies. I cannot accept this new way of life my dad has adopted because although he is happy, he doesnt care that his 2 children are not and he wont discuss it with us. You may all think I am being selfish but none of you are in my situation and dont feel the way I feel. I understand that my dad has his own life and he needs to move on - my only request of him was to let us do the same in our own time and he promised that none of this would happen and yet it has.

Lynnemcf - Yes I am expecting a baby next year - but my emotions are not running a bit crazy, maybe I am reacting a bit harshly to what everyone else thinks I should be reacting but I would ask you all to put yourselfs in my shoes and see how you all feel then.

sharkeybabe

DVardysShadow wrote: »

You need to pick a line between the issues which are worth working on and those where you have absolutely no business getting involved.

While the gf might be the root cause of your discomfort over your brother, you have to respect dad's choice of gf. So all you are left to deal with where you probably would be right to get involved is the situation of brother. A lot depends on his circumstances [job? education? etc?] as to when he should move out. I would say the only intervention should be to secure a period of time [3 months? to 2 years? depending on circumstances] over which he makes a transition to living on his own. And brother needs to play his part in sorting out his move from the home.

Why should he have to move out of the home he has lived in for 20 years of his life and to which he pays nearly £400 a month to my dad in rent money??? Why? because my dads GF wants to be alone. She was aware that he lived at home before she moved in, so why the big change.

curlygirl1971

If it was my dad I would feel exactly the same - probably even worse! I think this is a natural reaction but not neccessarily the right way to feel. In my head, if not my heart, I agree with the other comments. It is his life and no one should expect him to be on his own or unhappy for the sake of, what is sadly, the past.

It does seem quick but I don't think you are going to alter or stop his course for now - sadly, you are going to have to live with it and hope for the best. Obviously with me not knowing him I can't comment on whether he is having some sort of breakdown or not or indeed if his motivations are geniunely 'I've grieved too long and hard and life is too short not grab another chance to be happy'. We've had family friends that have lost a life partner they were previously devoted to, been distraught......and then got married very quickly. It's hard to stomach and understand but I guess it's just what they need to do. It doesn't mean he didn't love your mum or that his life with her was meaningless. It just means he's alive and needs to live.

You have to stop thinking about the house as some sort of shrine to your childhood and your mum (this isn't a criticism as I think of my parents home in the same way). It's only natural that anyone moving in would want to make it their own home. Although I can appreciate you being concerned if she appears to be spending his money and not hers - but there is little you can do about this as you run the risk of ostracising your Dad.

With regards to your brother, then support him in whatever way you can - I know that when I was 20 I was still someone's child and can't imagine having to fend for myself at that age - I know many people are either ready at this point or have absolutely no choice and rise to the challenge. But it doesn't make it any easier when you are facing it and you are not ready. However he may feel a lot better with his own space - not his childhood home which is full of memories. He needs a new start as well. There are lots that you can do to make it easier for him including going looking at places with him. How about a houseshare so that he perhaps has people his own age and has some company? Perhaps he needs some kind of new hobby or activity outside of the family that will help him focus elsewhere?

Things will settle down - you and your brother will not always feel like this. You should start planning some things for yourselves to look forward to - just little things. You have a future - not just a past. But in all of this make sure that you look after yourself and do not let the weight of the world drag you under. You will find a way through this.

Pollycat

sharkeybabe wrote: »

Thank you for all your replies. I cannot accept this new way of life my dad has adopted because although he is happy, he doesnt care that his 2 children are not and he wont discuss it with us. You may all think I am being selfish but none of you are in my situation and dont feel the way I feel. I understand that my dad has his own life and he needs to move on - my only request of him was to let us do the same in our own time and he promised that none of this would happen and yet it has.

Lynnemcf - Yes I am expecting a baby next year - but my emotions are not running a bit crazy, maybe I am reacting a bit harshly to what everyone else thinks I should be reacting but I would ask you all to put yourselfs in my shoes and see how you all feel then.

It sounds like your Dad is going to do what suits him whether you and your brother accept it or not - and if you continue with this disapproval you may find he chooses his new partner over you.
How would you feel if that were to happen?

To be honest, it does sound like you're thinking of you and your brother rather than your Dad's happiness.

I don't think you had any right in the first place to ask your Dad to promise not to 'move on' until YOU were ready.

None of us may be in the same position as you are - but you did ask for advice. It just seems that you don't like the advice you're getting.

And for what it's worth, if it were my Mum or Dad in the same position as yours, I would hope that I could find it in my heart to be happy for them.

Pollycat

sharkeybabe wrote: »

Why should he have to move out of the home he has lived in for 20 years of his life and to which he pays nearly £400 a month to my dad in rent money??? Why? because my dads GF wants to be alone. She was aware that he lived at home before she moved in, so why the big change.

Maybe it's also your Dad who wants to be alone with the new lady in his life.

Maybe they discussed the situation before she moved in and it was your Dad who thought that it was time your brother moved out.

sharkeybabe

It was my dad's GF that told my brother that it was time to leave the house.

Pollycat - I have never once asked him not to move on without our permission - All I had said to him was that I understand if you feel you have to move on but not to be to upset if it takes my brother and I a bit longer. His responce to this was not to worry that nothing was serious and he wouldnt be getting heavily involved with anyone. Obviousley I know that things can change, but he should have still discussed this fully with us first. Also Polly - I hope you have more of a heart than I obviousley do. But I certainly hope that neither one of your parents put you through the heartache that mine has done to me and my brother.

Proc

sharkeybabe wrote: »

Why should he have to move out of the home he has lived in for 20 years of his life and to which he pays nearly £400 a month to my dad in rent money??? Why? because my dads GF wants to be alone. She was aware that he lived at home before she moved in, so why the big change.

Take the hint. I think it's been spelt out to you rather politely - possibly far more politely than your dad would explain it if he read these posts.

Your brother has no right to live there. He's lived there for 20 years? And what? The last 4 years your dad has done him a favour by keeping a roof over his head. He pays £400 a month to live there. Which means exactly that; move out and he no longer has to pay. If it's so extortionate why not just move out? Simple; because £400/month is nothing for living costs these days. You say he's a "young" 20 year old? Well maybe this would be a kick up the backside to grow up a little.

You may not agree with your dad's choices, but they are his choices. His home, his life. Stop interfering because you seem to think it's some kind of shared house.

edit; The penny has just dropped. You don't want her spending your inheritance money.

DVardysShadow

sharkeybabe wrote: »

Why should he have to move out of the home he has lived in for 20 years of his life and to which he pays nearly £400 a month to my dad in rent money??? Why? because my dads GF wants to be alone. She was aware that he lived at home before she moved in, so why the big change.

Why? Because dad and his new partner may prefer the space rather than £400/month.

If brother can find £400/month, he is well on the way to being able to look after himself. The only things to be settled are the timing and manner of his departure. If you are going to side with him staying there against the will of dad and gf, then that departure will be a horrid drawn out argument which will ultimately result in a swift move out of the door.

The only sensible and realistic aspirations in this situation are to stage his move amicably and take the pressure off dad and gf by giving some end to the situation. At least if you do it that way, and things don't work out for brother, ha stands a chance of keeping a bolthole to move back to temporarily if things go wrong.

It is better to settle for him moving out in a managed way than to run a battle to keep him there, which you and he will ultimately lose acrimoniously.

tasha-debt

sharkeybabe wrote: »

Hi all.

I am hoping someone out there can help me in what I feel is quite an upsetting subject for me to deal with.
Basically a bit of background, my mum passed away last July very suddenly and it totally rocked the whole family. My dad was understandably inconsolable and for a long time I was really worried about him and my younger brother who still lives at home.
My dad went on a bit of a spending spree and bought cars, clothes and started dining out and drinking alot more than he usually did, I was concernced at the time, but figured it was maybe better for him to channel his energies into this rather than sitting around an empty house moping.

Fast forward to April of this year and my dad announced to my brother and I that he was fed up being alone and wanted a girlfriend!! Now I wasnt entirely happy about this, as I thought he was rushing into things, but after lengthy chats with him etc I thought that he would be doing no harm and really as long as he was happy who am I to stand in his way.
He got back in touch with an old "friend" of his and they started going out. This particular friend had been accused of having an affair with my dad a couple of years before my mum died, although he has always denied this.
I had already met her previousley but my dad brought her to my house and introduced me to her again, I thought she was a nice person and she seemed to make my dad happy which in turn pleased me. In July 2 days after my mums aniversary, he announced that his GF was moving into his house and basically if my brother and me didnt like it, then we were to deal with it because it was happening whether we like it or not. This greatly upset my brother to be honest as he has been struggling with the death of my mum.
Things escallated and once she had moved in, really resented my brother being there and told my dad that he should really be looking at moving out - my bro is 20 years old however is not really an old 20 still quite young in the head. I have since found that his GF is quite controlling and has been spending a fortune of my dads money in changing the way our house is laid out, buying new furniture and generally taking over things there and has now made it really unbearable for my brother to live there.
My dad has now called us over the weekend to say that he and his GF are going to get married asap! I feel that this is just way to soon, I do not have a problem with him having a GF, but to get married less than 2 years since our mum has died, just feels really insensitive. He still has not put up a plaque at the cemetry for my mum - apparently he is to busy moving on with his life (his words not mine)

I dont really know what I am looking for here, but just feel that I really need advice on what to do in this situation - I feel like I am losing my family. My dad cant be bothered and to be honest, I feel like he is having some sort of breakdown or something. My brother is just inconsolable and I just cant believe that my dad would hurt us both like this.

If anybody has got down to the bottom of this thanks.
Sharkeybabe

Hi Sharkey Babe,

I would feel the same if I was in your situation. You and your Brother have had a horrible year, not only have you had to deal with the loss of your Mum, you feel you are losing your family as well. I think your Dad and his girlfriend should be more respectful to you and your Brother. I don't mean that your Dad should not be with this women but I do think your Dad is being cruel to your Brother. He needs time to grieve for your Mum still, he will still want your Dads love and support. I think you are a parent to your child no matter how old they are, your Brother needs your Dad.

On a pratical note can you, your Dad and Brother all set a time to order the plaque for your Mum's grave as it will help you to move on, have a place you can go and talk to your Mum etc.

I agree about being friendly to your Dad's GF as that will make things worse. Speak to your Dad and explain how you feel, he is still grieving too and grief can make people act different. If your Dad still wants your Brother to move out then I guess he has no choice. Hopefully he will find a place to live where he will be happy. If you havnt already I think you should both speak to someone about your Mums death.

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