Some Advice

Tish_P

Some members of my OH's extended family are involved in a bitter dispute at the moment over very different situation but with (I think) the same cause: grief involves anger, and people turn that anger on each other rather than dealing with it for what it is: a painful but natural part of the grieving process. I hope that both in their case and in Sharkeybabe's it works out OK without the decades of spite and estrangement that can result.

It's not selfish for your Dad to want to live in his own house with his partner, or for either of them to ask that your brother set a reasonable timescale to move out and become independent (unless he is disabled in some way that makes that impracticable?). Of course it is understandable that you think it's too soon - but that's about you and your grief and you can't expect your Dad to obey your emotional prompts. Like someone else said, you thought this year was an OK time to have a baby, and presumably you didn't hold a family conference to ask your dad and brother's approval.

Of course this is painful for you, but stewing and seething over your dad's "selfishness" is just asking for more years of pain. All you can do is give your brother what practical help you can, talk over your feelings with a trusted friend or counsellor, and get off your Dad's case.

clearmydebts

Sorry to hear of your loss. It sounds like you are going through a very hard time.

I understand what you are saying about your brother being a 'young' 20. My sister was also very young for her age and lived at home until 26.

I don't think any grieving 20 year old should be forced out of their home. He is already mourning his mother and then he is told he needs to move out??? Is your Dad making him move out Sharkey? If so, I think it is selfish of him. Fair enough if he wants to move on with his relationship, but he is still a Dad to 2 children and should continue to act as one.

robsmum_2

'Sharkey: I feel your pain and am sorry for your loss. There are many issues here and I don't feel this thread is really going to help you.

I have been in a similar situation to yours and the family is still split 8 years after my Dad's death. Half are very with Stepmum and the other half have nothing to do with her.

Loosing your Mum (from experience) is the most painful experience. I lost mine 5 years ago and it still hurts. It especially hurts to hear my siblings refer to SM as Mum.

I would advise you to take a step back, take really good care of yourself and be there for your brother. I would also reccomend you see a bereavement councillor - best move I made.

You need to allow yourself to grieve for both the loss of your Mum and also for the loss of your family home. You need to do this for your sake, your baby's sake and also for your brother.

I am also sorry that other posters have been so harsh.

Take care of yourself.

clairec79

Out of interest you say the GF told your brother to leave was it completely out of the blue or was it after she'd been redoing things in the house, changing it from your mothers home to her home (which it is now) and he complained and was more of a 'if you don't like it move out, I'm having blue curtains whatever you say'?

If it was the second I wouldn't say he's being forced or kicked out of his home, just told to stop moaning.

Grief affects everyone in different ways and on different time scales, there is no time that you would have felt 'yes, it's ok he can move on now'

I would suggest you speak to him about the plague and say it's something you want to help grieve and move on, and if he doesn't want to do it would he have objections to you and your brother taking a leading role but that you would want him (and only him and not GF) there when it's erected

belfastgirl23

To be honest, I don't think the rights and wrongs of the situation are relevant here. It is what it is, and clearly whether you complain or not, whether you like it or not, it's happening.

Over the years I've learned the hard way not to interfere within households other than my own, except perhaps by very gentle influence. You're hearing your brother's story but presumably there is another side as well, however much you might not want to hear it. At the minute, if you're sympathising with your brother you aren't actually doing any favours, you're just giving him reasons to feel aggrieved. I think you need to start supporting him to move out and encouraging him to think he can cope. One way or another that's what the deal is and by encouraging him to feel that it's unjust all you're doing is prolonging his agony.

As paddysmum says on the other thread too, think about the longterm here. Look ten years into the future. If this woman is still in your father's life (which is likely if he's wanting to marry her) then how do you want your relationship to be? If you aren't careful you are going to end up with a child who only sees its grandad a couple of duty visits a year. Is this what you want? The thing about men is that given the choice between their children and their new partner, there's a pretty good chance they'll choose their partner (sorry for the generalisation but I've seen it too often). You need to recognise that if you make him choose, there's a more than even possiblity that this is what he'll choose. Can you live with that?

Of course the other thing to point out is could you live with your dad's unhappiness if you force him to split up with this woman? With him calling you all hours of the day and night crying, or expecting you (or your brother) to do everything for him?

At the end of the day, all you can do here is control your own actions and reactions. I really would advise you to start actively looking for the good in both her and the situation. Your brother's at an age where quite possibly moving out is exactly what he needs. You are freed from any caring responsiblity for your dad and can focus on your new baby. And it doesn't sound like the person he's with is someone to really worry about, you don't seem to be saying she's a bad person rather that you don't agree with some of the things she's doing. Well that's fair enough but you need to respect her right to do them.

I'm not saying in any way that you don't have a right to your feelings, it's natural to feel what you do, but just step back and ask yourself how much of this is driven by you missing your mum? Often this kind of reaction is grief coming out sideways- could this be the case for you?

I hope it all works out for you.

paddy's_mum

Excellent post, belfastgirl23.

Sharkey - I do sympathise, and I know that sometimes how a person feels has no logic, or reason, or fairness - it just is. I'm curious to know what your husband has to say about the situation and your feelings of dismay, hurt and anger?

Several times through this thread, the idea of bereavement counselling has been mentioned, and I do think that it would give you a great deal of insight and help if you were to go.

In the final analysis, what have you to lose ... other than the damage that is already being caused to the relationship between you and the Dad you so clearly love?

I wish all of you well.

sassyblue

Sharkey how awful you're going through this, l think you and your brother need to sit down with your dad and have a good talk, especially about a headstone for your mum. Regardless of how you feel about this woman and how he's living his life your father should be reasuring you not giving you ultimatums.

It doesn't help that your mum accused your dad of having an affair with this woman either, and she should come into the family with a nice attitude otherwise she's going to cause trouble.

Ignore those posters who tell you to get over it and get on with your life, you're clearly looking for a sensible way through this to help everyone involved, if your dad and this woman don't want to do that it'll end up with you and your brother feeling as bitter as those posters.

Good luck. x

PHYTHIAN

Can't give any advice on what you should or shouldn't do but don't envy your situation at all.

From aged 15, I have only had 3 relationships, 2 very serious. One became my 1st wife and lasted 15 years. After two months I met someone and that lasted just over a year. A week after that fizzled out I met the lady who was to become my 2nd wife ; we have now been together for 12 years. I realise that is not your situation but it may give an inkling to your dad's emotions. Maybe me and he are similar in that we simply prefer to be in a relationship rather than on our own.

Hope that might help explain your dad's 'state of mind' and hope things calm down and work out OK for you all.

Pollycat

sassyblue wrote: »

It doesn't help that your mum accused your dad of having an affair with this woman either, and she should come into the family with a nice attitude otherwise she's going to cause trouble.

I can't see where the OP said that it was her Mum who accused anybody about her Dad having an affair with this woman.
The OP seems to say that it was the woman (now Dad's new lady) who was accused, not her Dad.

sharkeybabe wrote: »

This particular friend had been accused of having an affair with my dad a couple of years before my mum died, although he has always denied this.

I did ask that question a few days ago.

Pollycat wrote: »

Who did the accusing?

consultant31

I reckon the OP was not happy with the responses she was getting and has left the thread