Some Advice

sharkeybabe

Hi all.

I am hoping someone out there can help me in what I feel is quite an upsetting subject for me to deal with.
Basically a bit of background, my mum passed away last July very suddenly and it totally rocked the whole family. My dad was understandably inconsolable and for a long time I was really worried about him and my younger brother who still lives at home.
My dad went on a bit of a spending spree and bought cars, clothes and started dining out and drinking alot more than he usually did, I was concernced at the time, but figured it was maybe better for him to channel his energies into this rather than sitting around an empty house moping.

Fast forward to April of this year and my dad announced to my brother and I that he was fed up being alone and wanted a girlfriend!! Now I wasnt entirely happy about this, as I thought he was rushing into things, but after lengthy chats with him etc I thought that he would be doing no harm and really as long as he was happy who am I to stand in his way.
He got back in touch with an old "friend" of his and they started going out. This particular friend had been accused of having an affair with my dad a couple of years before my mum died, although he has always denied this.
I had already met her previousley but my dad brought her to my house and introduced me to her again, I thought she was a nice person and she seemed to make my dad happy which in turn pleased me. In July 2 days after my mums aniversary, he announced that his GF was moving into his house and basically if my brother and me didnt like it, then we were to deal with it because it was happening whether we like it or not. This greatly upset my brother to be honest as he has been struggling with the death of my mum.
Things escallated and once she had moved in, really resented my brother being there and told my dad that he should really be looking at moving out - my bro is 20 years old however is not really an old 20 still quite young in the head. I have since found that his GF is quite controlling and has been spending a fortune of my dads money in changing the way our house is laid out, buying new furniture and generally taking over things there and has now made it really unbearable for my brother to live there.
My dad has now called us over the weekend to say that he and his GF are going to get married asap! I feel that this is just way to soon, I do not have a problem with him having a GF, but to get married less than 2 years since our mum has died, just feels really insensitive. He still has not put up a plaque at the cemetry for my mum - apparently he is to busy moving on with his life (his words not mine)

I dont really know what I am looking for here, but just feel that I really need advice on what to do in this situation - I feel like I am losing my family. My dad cant be bothered and to be honest, I feel like he is having some sort of breakdown or something. My brother is just inconsolable and I just cant believe that my dad would hurt us both like this.

If anybody has got down to the bottom of this thanks.
Sharkeybabe

Errata

It may feel insensitive to you, but not to your dad. It's his life - let him live it.

Proc

Whether or not you think it's insensitive to move on so soon after your mother's death is entirely irrelevant. It's your dad's life, let him live it. I think the important bit is here:

as long as he was happy who am I to stand in his way

I can understand your concerns, but it's really none of your business. The best advice I can give is be supportive of him, and try and be nice to his missus. Don't put him into a position where he's forced to make a decision between "her or us" because then you will lose your family.

Don't get me wrong, I can understand your frustration, and see your point of view. It's just if you remove all of the emotion from the situation, you'd be in the wrong to try and interfere.

Your brother is 20. I moved out of home due to unfavourable circumstances when I was 16. He is old enough to fend for himself.

FBaby

I don't think the girlfriend is at fault, you dad invited her in the house making it 'their' house and it is undestandable she would want to make it feel at home, especially as it was your mum's before. However, your father attitude is really sad. He clearly is relinquishing in his new found happiness having no regards for the fact that his son might not share it. I feel for you but even more your brother. Unfortunately, there is absolutely nothing you can do as the more you try to make him open his eyes, the more he will think you are just being selfish, jealous and being defensive and that will only make him resentful. Bite your tongue, be there for your brother and hope your dad settles and finally realise that he still has two loving children.

sharkeybabe

Thank you for your comments and whilst I do understand where you are coming from, I feel like I have to be there to protect my brother.
Proc - you may have moved out at the age of 16 as did I, but my brother is not old enough (in his head) to live on his own - I would worry myself sick if he had to do that. The point with regards to this is that my dad should not be pratically throwing him out of the door, so he can move his GF in and make her feel comfortable.

Fbaby - I am trying to be supportive and say nothing, but as above, I am worried about my brother and also my dad. Although his GF seems nice, I fear the worst and I do not think she is with him solely for love. My gut feeling is telling me she is after something else.

Pollycat

sharkeybabe wrote: »

and has been spending a fortune of my dads money in changing the way our house is laid out, buying new furniture and generally taking over things there and has now made it really unbearable for my brother to live there.

I agree with Errata & Proc, it's not really your place to dictate to your Dad what he does.

Although you refer to it as 'our' house, it's not really, is it?
It's your Dad's.

I think if you show your displeasure about the direction your Dad has chosen to take with his life, you could end up being alienated from it.
Although you obviously feel that it's too soon, your Dad doesn't.

sharkeybabe

Pollycat - although I may not live in that house, I did for the whole of my childhood and have many memories of being there! I would also like to say that I am not trying to dictate to my dad what he does, infact I have only ever been supportive in what he is doing, except for the marriage, as I just do not understand why he needs to do this so soon!!

Errata

Why do you expect to understand what he plans to do with the rest of his life? You don't walk in his shoes.
How long do you think he should wait to get on with his life in order to satisfy your feelings? 5 years, 10 years ?

Pollycat

It does sound to me like you're dictating, but if you say you're not.....

You may have lived in the house for the whole of your childhood (as I did in my Mum & Dad's house and I too have many happy memories) but when I left home, I didn't consider it 'mine'.

Your Mum & Dad paid the mortgage, not you.

You say you're OK with him having a girlfriend so is it the fact that she's living in the house that you were brought up in that you don't like?

It's your Dad's life, why do you have to understand why he needs to get married so soon?

And it's only you who thinks it's too soon, your Dad obviously doesn't.

lynnemcf

No doubt your dad was broken hearted when your mum died, and it is understandable that it made him look at his life (the years he has left) and decide to live the remainder of his life to the full. He made a good choice in a partner with your mum, why wouldn't he make a good choice with his new partner? You need to support him in his new life, both you and he will miss your mum forever, but "life goes on" and if you make him choose between you and her then its likely you could end up being the loser. I can see from your signature that a baby is due, perhaps your emotions are running a bit crazy ... it was your childhood home but you have a whole new life, now its time to let your dad have his new life

Tish_P

Sharkey, I understand this must be really upsetting for you and your brother. But the other posters are right. Your dad has to make his own choices (and even his own mistakes, if that's what they are). How old is your dad? He may not feel like he can afford to wait many years before allowing some happiness back into his life. All you can do is deal with your own grief in your own way, help your brother become independent, and keep things as friendly as possible with your dad and his new partner.