I'm losing my dad to his new partner

milliemonster

2 yrs ago we lost my mum to breast cancer, my parents had been together since she was 16 and my dad 21, 50 years in total, completely devoted to each other and I knew the day my mum died, I would lose my dad too.

Within 6 months of my mum being gone, my dad was looking for a new partner on the internet, he is very naive and we were very worried about him, he claimed he just wanted companionship as he was lonely and that was fine but as I was still grieving for my mum, I found it very hard to deal with the thought of him with anyone else.

Since my mum died, I have involved my dad in everything we do, holidays, days out, meals, just time with us etc, I only live a mile away from him and love him being part of my family, he is incredibly important to me.

2 weeks before the first anniversary of my mums death, he sent me an email to tell me he'd met a lovely woman and hoped I'd want to meet her, he'd met her family etc and hoped I would be happy for him. I was in shock and found it very hard to deal with, esp with the timing, but I was more upset that he had emailed me rather than coming round to tell me, because I didn't respond straight away with my absolute thrill and joy at this, he sent me another email, telling me he was disowning me as it was clear I couldn't be happy for him, this was for a woman he had known 5 weeks.

The 'relationship' fell apart after a few more weeks as this woman was apparently too demanding on my dad and I was relieved, within a few weeks though, there was someone else, and he was talking about going to south africa with this other woman. That fizzled out too as Dad was insistent he just wanted a 'friend' and didn't want another full on relationship but this woman wanted more.

I spoke to my Dad at length, he told me he couldn't live on his own, he never had in his life and just couldn't do it, I would have him live with us but he didn't want that either. I understood how hard it must be for him continuing to live in the house we all shared as a family while I was growing up, and I talked to him about perhaps selling up and buying a smaller place of his own where he might feel happy to be on his own but with his family still around, and he could then still have his own space, free up a bit of money to supplement his pension and enjoy his life. I told him to take time to really think about this though as it was still early days and I didn't want him to take such a drastic step and regret it.

This was about this time last year, since then, my Dad has now got together with the widow who lives in the house opposite his, she helped out a lot when my mum was ill and was a very good friend to both of them. I have found it hard to accept that my dad cannot be on his own, but I like this lady, she is wonderful with my children and I know she has given my dad a bit of his life back.

However, I am finding it so hard, he since decided not to sell the house, but move in with her and rent his house out for an income. Since he has got together with this lady, we don't see him anymore, she has a very active social life and has included my dad in this now so much so that none of my Dad's family sees him at all anymore, I have tried talking to my dad on numerous occasions about this but he turns it around saying we don't want him to be happy, we don't like her etc etc which is just not true.

I miss my dad so much, I have invited them both round so many times, but am always turned down because she has something on, this has happened continually to my brother too, he now only speaks to my brother via text, and this is always initiated by my brother. My sister never hears anything from my dad and the only contact she has is when she calls him.

My dad is now completely uninterested in us as a family, his only concern is his new partner, on the few occasions he has come round, he comes alone, he doesn't really speak or make conversation and doesn't even stay long enough to drink a cup of coffee, I have always included his partner and made her feel welcome, but she rarely comes.

She has no family of her own, she never had her own children and I do wonder if she just has no idea what being part of a family is?

I don't know what to do to get through to him that me, his son, daughter and sisters just want to see him, to be included in his life, to feel that he is interested in us, we have all bent over backwards to try to accept that he wants a replacement for my mum as hard as that is to bear, he has put us through emotional hell over the last 2 years but I try so hard to be adult about it. We have tried so hard to accept his new partner, but it seems very clear she doesn't want to be part of his family, even though she denies this and he denies it vehemently.

I do go to their house and she always makes me feel welcome but I find it very difficult seeing him living with someone else across from the house I grew up in where someone new is now living, my brother can't face going to their house at all.

Has anyone else been in this situation? I am under so much stress and feel so hurt at the rejection, I lost my mum and am still grieving for her and miss her terribly, I sometimes feel I should just let my dad get on with his life without us now as that seems to be what he wants.

Person_one

Why don't you speak to his partner? Tell her you're happy that she's made your dad happy and helped him find a social life, but you miss him and you'd like to see him more, invite them both round but issue the invitation to her, not him and tell her you can do any day she's free. Make sure its clear that you aren't trying to exclude her.

If you try to see them as a couple, even though it hurts, your dad might be more understanding and feel less like he has to choose.

I'm sorry about the loss of your mother, this situation must be very hard.

paddy's_mum

Sad as it is to accept, your last sentence is your only real option since you cannot force your father to do as you want. At least if you were able to switch off a bit, you would be relieving some of the stress you feel.

Hard though it is to see someone (or in this case, several someones) step into your mother's shoes, men of his age are often totally unable to function alone - they're too used to being looked after, and are steeped in thinking that old dogs can't learn new tricks.

It may be that once you and your siblings stop pursuing him, he'll start to notice your absence/silence and come to seek you out. I hope so for all your sakes, but short of putting him in a straitjacket, I can't see any other way forward.

Perhaps a carefully phrased letter written to him and signed by all of you putting your sense of loss to him on paper might be a quiet and non-confrontational way to get him to look anew at the situation. Good luck.

Tish_P

It sounds like he is picking up on your disapproval, and maybe not dealing with it the best way, but it's understandable that he feels awkward around you when you disapprove so strongly of his choices. All the stress and sadness you are going through will be making this worse all round - have you tried grief counselling?

As for his new partner, unless she grew up in an alien pod of some kind, she knows what a family is. As you say, she is kind to you, and making your Dad happy. So don't let your grief for your Mum turn into resentment towards her. Could you invite her to a girls day out or something? So that it's clear you want them both to be a part of your life and aren't just tolerating her ?

youngie

you must stop regarding this woman as a replacment for your mum,I'm sure that is not how your dad sees her she is a new companion and they want to spend time together getting to know each other, try to remember how you were with new boyfriends in the begining of a new relationship you tend to focus on your new partner its not because you think any less of your family its just you want to be a major part of you new partners life.try to stay relaxed and remain welcoming to your dad and his new lady maybe she feels a bit uncomfortable within a family group as it is a situation she is not use too.I hope things settle down and that you can all be happy together

nickyhutch

I'm sorry to read about your Mum - that must be hard for you still.

Please be happy that your Dad is happy, though. The alternative - to be 70 odd and lonely - is heartbreaking (and having you and yours around isn't the same as having a companion like he seems to have found). This lady isn't replacing your Mum - she's a friend for the twilight years.

I think you need to think of them as a couple - invite them for tea, go round as a family to see them, out for Sunday lunch etc. This lady obviously thinks a lot of your Dad, which can only be a good thing, surely?

swingaloo

I think your title says it all.

You are not 'losing your dad', you may feel that you are but really its a case of your relationship has changed because he has a new partner.

I do understand your feelings. Its hard to see someone move on faster than you expect but everyone handles grief differently and often men who have been in long happy caring marriages cannot cope alone and feel the need to replace the relationship quickly.

It may be that your dad still senses the negativity about his choices even though you have tried to make this lady feel part of the family. Perhaps its too full on for her as well and they both need to come to you in thier own time rather than having lots of invites. Perhaos your dad also has slight feelings of guilt in his own way.

I think he has made a very good decision about keeping his home. You say you like this lady, I think you need to step back, however hard it may be and give them time.How do you think your mum would see it? My inlaws were together for 60 years and she died ten months before him. I always remember her telling me when she knew was dying that the thing that worried her most was that 'he will never manage alone'. He could cook and look after himself and she knew we would be there for him but she told me 'He wont be long behind me'.

She was right, his last few months were spent standing at the kitchen window crying and looking at the garden she loved so much. Thats not what you want for your dad. Because you love him so much, you have to accept his choices and let him enjoy the years he has left. Just as he acepted your choices when you left home and distanced yourself in a way. If she is as nice as you say then the companionship and comfort this woman gives him are invaluable. Im sure it would be a great relief to your mum to know that he was not sitting in a chair giving up on life.

Please dont feel the need to 'involve dad in everything you do'. Make time for your own family and give him space. He will come back to you with his new partner in his own time.

nickyhutch

Swingaloo, what a lovely post.

belfastgirl23

Some good advice here already.

I do think the only bit you can do anything about is yourself and your own reactions. You sound very ambivalent about the relationship to me. And that seems to be entirely normal, you will of course be missing your mum a lot.

I suppose first of all I'd say look on the bright side. You know the woman he's moved in with. You think she's a decent person and she's welcoming when you come around. She's not pushing him to sell up his house and sign over his future to her (we've all read about this here!). She is also quite possibly keeping her distance from you out of respect for your mums memory and not wanting to take her place. And he's happy.

I would also say that it's normal enough in the first flush of a new relationship to want to spend time with that person to the exclusion of others. Again understandably it's hurtful for you but this phase won't last. I think patience is your best bet with this, give them their space to experience this new love. In a way your dad will almost be like a teenager again, but hopefully he'll grow out of it. So in your case it's just about keeping the doors ajar and waiting for him to give them a push.

I think too though that you're feeling very sensitive about things at the minute and it's worth acknowledging that to yourself. I don't think any of this is about you at all but just about him and the situation he's in. And after losing his life partner he's entitled to a bit of 'time off', especially if you and your siblings are all happy and settled.

I think it will all settle down in the end and in the meantime you should try to take a step back and go with the flow for a while.

And as a PS have you tried inviting him VIA her to an event? So if it's your DDs birthday, give her a call and say you'd love to see them both there. It might make a difference her being personally invited rather than as a +1

thorsoak

Your dad honours your mum's memory in the best way: he chooses to love again - not in the same young love's way that he loved your mum, but as a companion in his later years. You say that the other lady is a widow - was she one of your mum's neighbours and did she know your mum? Maybe your dad knew her husband too - and so they can help each other keep the memories alive.

She isn't taking your mum's place - she may be filling the empty space in your dad's heart - but he is still your dad, and no-one - apart from your bitterness - can change this. Please don't let it.

simpywimpy

Its a testament to how lovely your mum was that your dad feels the way he does. He feels lonely and unable to live on his own because he was so happy with your mum for all those years. Had he hated being with her, he probably would have run a mile from another relationship. You do find that people from good, happy and long marriages are the ones who struggle the most to live alone

I would do as others have suggested and try and call and see the new lady when you know she is likely to be in on her own if possible and nicely chat and explain. She probably doesn't even realise there is a problem as your dad could easily not have mentioned it to her. If she is as nice as you think she is, she'll want to do what she can to keep you and your dad on a good footing.

I'm sorry for the loss of your mum and despite it looking like your dad has moved on very quickly, I'm sure he'd still much rather have your mum (((hugs)))