I'm losing my dad to his new partner

coolcait

milliemonster wrote: »

...
I knew the day my mum died, I would lose my dad too.

That must make it difficult for you, your dad, and his new partner to move on.

...as I was still grieving for my mum, I found it very hard to deal with the thought of him with anyone else.

As above.

.. I was in shock and found it very hard to deal with, ... I didn't respond straight away with my absolute thrill and joy at this, ...

How did you react?

The 'relationship' fell apart after a few more weeks ... I was relieved,...

A very telling reaction.

...I have always included his partner and made her feel welcome, ...

I'm not sure how you have "made her feel welcome" in real life, because I'm afraid that your view of her is not coming across as 'welcoming' through your posts

...we have all bent over backwards to try to accept that he wants a replacement for my mum ...

You're putting your own interpretation on your father's choice. He has chosen to have a new relationship - as most of us do throughout our lives. Did you have partners before your OH? How would you feel if your family and friends described him as "a replacement" for someone you loved before? Have any of you tried "bending over backwards to try to accept" that your father can still loves your mother, while also loving his new partner?

he has put us through emotional hell over the last 2 years ...

I wonder if he also feels that he has been put through emotional hell over the last 2 years? You could argue that his children are trying to prevent him from moving on with his own life, and expecting him to live the life they want him to live.

We have tried so hard to accept his new partner,

Really? That's not the attitude and message I'm picking up from the emotions in your posts - no matter what the words might be saying.

but it seems very clear she doesn't want to be part of his family, even though she denies this and he denies it vehemently.

Again, are you sure that she doesn't want to be a member of your family, rather than you and your siblings not wanting her as a member?

I do go to their house and she always makes me feel welcome

That sounds like wanting to be a member of your family...

but I find it very difficult seeing him living with someone else across from the house I grew up in where someone new is now living, my brother can't face going to their house at all.

.. and that sounds like a problem - which is not of your father's making, or of his partner's making. Which means that it's up to you and your siblings to work on your feelings about this, rather than blaming your father and his partner.

... I am under so much stress and feel so hurt at the rejection, I lost my mum and am still grieving for her and miss her terribly,

Completely understandable, and I'm sure I'm not the only one who teared up in sympathy on reading that part of your post. I am so sorry for your loss, and it's absolutely natural that you're still grieving for your mum.

I sometimes feel I should just let my dad get on with his life without us now as that seems to be what he wants.

You should let him get on with his life, but there's no reason why he shouldn't be able to keep his children and grandchildren in his life too - if you can also move on

milliemonster wrote: »

...

... Eventually they did come for dinner, but only stayed for dinner and then left as she had something else to do,

I'm not sure why this is a problem?

I just feel left out, left behind and that I'm not wanted or needed anymore now my dad has got over his initial grief.

OK, now I understand. But this is about you, and how you are feeling. Nothing wrong with that - you are dealing with a huge bereavement. But, these are emotions which you need to work out yourself, without seeing other people's choices as being about 'leaving you out', 'leaving you behind', 'not being wanted or needed any more'.

... I stopped 'inviting' them over months ago, I gave up to be honest and thought I would just let things slide,

Not exactly 'always welcome in my home', is it?

the funny thing is they invite lots of her friends over for dinner etc but have never invited any member of our side of the family over.

Why is that, do you think?

What would my mum say?, well to be honest she was very old fashioned and I know she would be horrified that he has moved in with the woman over the road, she would be disgusted with my dad's behaviour and how he has little time for his family now who have tried so hard to support him, ...

You don't know that at all. You firmly believe that to be the case, based on your knowledge of your mum, and your own feelings about the situation. You may be right. But you don't - and can't - 'know' how your mum would have reacted.

I know she is not trying to replace my mum, but she is for my dad if that makes sense, he is trying to capture what he had with my mum for all those years with his new partner.

That's your view of the situation. And, if your dad is trying to capture what he had with your mum for all those years, isn't that a lovely tribute to the relationship they had together? You don't often hear of people (consciously) trying to recapture what they had in a relationship from hell!

We have always been a close family and I feel so sad that I missed time with my mum, it made me realise how important time is, I can never have that back with my mum

That's very natural, and one of the hard parts of grieving

and I want to make the most of the time I have left with my dad,

Again, very natural. But it's not fair on him to deny him the chance of a new relationship so that you can meet your own needs.

but he even admitted himself that he wanted a new life for himself

and why not?

just because I am married with my own children does not mean that I don't need him as my dad, I need him just as much as I always did as a child, but in a different way, I want him to still need me too but it seems clear he doesn't feel that way anymore

And that's the child speaking, not the adult that you are now. I'm sure that everyone who reads your posts recognises that you are in so much pain yourself, and feels for you.

But, is that truly a reason for denying your dad the chance at happiness, asking him to effectively choose between his family and his new partner, and risking cutting him out of your life?

I do feel for you, millie. You're not in an easy situation. But, based on your posts - which is all any of us can ever go on - I think that the solution to your problem lies in you learning to deal with your own feelings about your dad having a new partner.

It's almost a cliche, I know, but have you had any counselling to help you deal with your bereavement? It might help you find a way to deal with the very difficult emotions which are being stirred up.

take care.

heretolearn_2

I've run out of patience with this now.

god help me that my son never turns out as unkind and selfish towards me as the two ladies moaning on here about their dads finding happiness again after being bereaved. Seriously, you are both behaving like brats. You expect young children to have a few issues with new partners, but for grown adults to be taking this attitude is disgusting. Your dad isn't just your dad. He is his own person as well you know. He isn't here on earth just to function for you in the role you want, when you want, how you want. Those poor men - being torn up by their own flesh and blood. Try thinking of them instead of yourselves for once.

OH is a fair bit older than me and I've kinda 'prepared' myself for him going first and being on my own again when I'm older. Might not happen that way, but odds are it will. Didn't know some adult kids could be so self-centred and judgemental that they would expect me to spend the rest of my life in mourning, unable to move on, or only to move on after how many years? to their timescale and agenda with a person they pick out for me in the way they think I should, but of course not to spend too much time with this new person, or live with them, or see them as a serious partner....

Grow up the pair of you. You are about to destroy your relationship with your fathers. Not him, YOU.

POPPYOSCAR

heretolearn wrote: »

I've run out of patience with this now.

god help me that my son never turns out as unkind and selfish towards me as the two ladies moaning on here about their dads finding happiness again after being bereaved. Seriously, you are both behaving like brats. You expect young children to have a few issues with new partners, but for grown adults to be taking this attitude is disgusting. Your dad isn't just your dad. He is his own person as well you know. He isn't here on earth just to function for you in the role you want, when you want, how you want. Those poor men - being torn up by their own flesh and blood. Try thinking of them instead of yourselves for once.

OH is a fair bit older than me and I've kinda 'prepared' myself for him going first and being on my own again when I'm older. Might not happen that way, but odds are it will. Didn't know some adult kids could be so self-centred and judgemental that they would expect me to spend the rest of my life in mourning, unable to move on, or only to move on after how many years? to their timescale and agenda with a person they pick out for me in the way they think I should, but of course not to spend too much time with this new person, or live with them, or see them as a serious partner....

Grow up the pair of you. You are about to destroy your relationship with your fathers. Not him, YOU.

A bit strongly put but nonetheless right.

You may not think it but your feelings have more than likely come across to your father and he may be keeping away from you as he feels so uncomfortable in your company now.

You only have to pick up certain statements from your posts to see why.i.e. you hate the thought of him with someone else, can't bear to see him living across the road from the house you grew up in etc.


It does not make any difference how long your mum and dad were together for or what your mum would have thought, your father is an individual in his own right and should live his life how he chooses.

It also would seem that you have not come to terms with your own grief and perhaps you should consider doing something about that.

ivylinn

Be happy that your support could provide your father with the strength to move forward.
That even after something as sad as bereavement, he could see life was not over and was something that could still be enjoyed.

At the moment He will be caught up in the excitement of a new relationship and new friendships.
You need to deal with your feelings about this, take a step back and let him live his life.
Remember it was probably hard for your dad to deal with the changes in the relationship between you and him, you found a partner, left home then started a family. The day he realised you were no longer a child will have been hard and he will have felt the same loss you feel now.

Try to relate to his partner as a friend, both of you care about your father so already have something in common.

Primrose

And who knows? Perhaps your mum, before she died, told your dad that once she was gone, she would hope that he could pick up the threads and be happy again. This is the kind of intimate and private conversation happy couples have with each other in serious moment, and they don't necessarily share these thoughts, even with their children. Your dad may therefore be doing just what your mum wanted for him after she had gone.

Mojisola

milliemonster - I hope you don't think the comments on here are unkind. You are obviously in a very unhappy emotional place at the moment but people are trying to give you an objective view of the situation.

Like many others, I think the answer is inside you. You are still missing your Mum so much that your view of the world is being affected by the pain you're feeling. Get some help to deal with the grief. It won't make things "better" but it should help you put things in perspective. You have to carry on living, for the sake of your OH and children, as well as yourself.

Tabatha_Kitten

My mum hadnt been dead 12 months and my dad found a woman on the internet, sold his house, moved to her hometown - over 150 miles away - then moved her in with him.
I totally understand how the op is feeling. Im totally cut up about it. I miss my mum loads, I think my dad is making a huge mistake, and I cant abide this new woman.
But, there is nothing I can do about it but smile, wish them well, and be as pleasent as I can to her.
Its his life, his money and nothing whatsoever to do with me.

frannyann

A small but important point here, is that people are failing to see their parents as sexual beings who want a certain type of affection and love, that family can not give. To assume that a man in his 60's and 70's is no longer capable of sexual feelings is to do a great disservice to them. Imagine how you'd feel being told you are 'too old' to enjoy caressing and touching another human being? Family are important I agree, but when you cuddle your partner at night, do wish to deny that feeling to your parent too?

Pee

If you are "trying" to make an effort with his new partner, maybe she doesn't feel very involved and very included.

Your Dad seems to have been aware there may be a problem with introducing you to new women in his life from the start.

I think it is often the case where someone has been in a long and happy relationship that when they lose their partner they are keen to start another relationship as they see a relationship as being very important in their lives and a great source of pleasure. If your dad hadn't loved your Mum and had spent 50 years arguing, he'd probably never want to go near another woman again.

It's great that you want to spend time with your Dad, I have to say my parents always want more time from me than I am able to give and they are still together and about ten years younger than your Dad. I so wish they had an active social life.

I would suggest you keep trying to involved your Dad, keep going to see him, and offer reassurance that you want her to be part of your family too, much the way as you probably see your partner as part of your Dad's family.

paddy's_mum

I've been on the receiving end of an almost identical 'new woman' situation and I can tell you that it is incredibly painful and vastly damaging to everyone involved.

My step-son has had hardly a kind word for or about me since the moment his father (widowed seven years before) told him that he'd asked me out for a meal. His attitude and behaviour have caused untold distress and unhappiness. He seemed unable to grasp that his father is entitled to happiness.

His behaviour has achieved not one iota of what he presumably wished to achieve. I'm still here and my husband still cleaves to me.

One thing has changed, though and the OP needs to recognise that she is in real danger of going the same route ... the relationship between father and son is irreparably damaged. Father still loves his son but no longer trusts him. Sadly, dislike has crept in since it is hard to carry on feeling friendly towards someone who claims to love you but would be overjoyed if your marriage fell apart.

It took a long time but hubby and I finally realised that my only crime towards my stepson is that I'm not his mother, and that the son should have had bereavement counselling when it became apparent that he had not dealt at all well with her death.

I no longer care what my stepson thinks or wants and the tragedy of it all is that he has brought about the thing he most feared. Milliemonster - don't make the same mistake because in the end, all you will achieve is destruction and unhappiness. Hope it all works out in the end for everyone involved.