I'm losing my dad to his new partner

sharkeybabe

heretolearn wrote: »

I've run out of patience with this now.

god help me that my son never turns out as unkind and selfish towards me as the two ladies moaning on here about their dads finding happiness again after being bereaved. Seriously, you are both behaving like brats. You expect young children to have a few issues with new partners, but for grown adults to be taking this attitude is disgusting. Your dad isn't just your dad. He is his own person as well you know. He isn't here on earth just to function for you in the role you want, when you want, how you want. Those poor men - being torn up by their own flesh and blood. Try thinking of them instead of yourselves for once.

OH is a fair bit older than me and I've kinda 'prepared' myself for him going first and being on my own again when I'm older. Might not happen that way, but odds are it will. Didn't know some adult kids could be so self-centred and judgemental that they would expect me to spend the rest of my life in mourning, unable to move on, or only to move on after how many years? to their timescale and agenda with a person they pick out for me in the way they think I should, but of course not to spend too much time with this new person, or live with them, or see them as a serious partner....

Grow up the pair of you. You are about to destroy your relationship with your fathers. Not him, YOU.

Now I will have my say back to your very insensitive post above. I am NOT a spoilt brat nor have I ever acted like one and in this sensitive situation that both Millie and myself are in, we are mearly worried about our fathers, not trying to ruin their lives and only want them on our terms.
Did it cross your mind that maybe we are still grieving for our mothers and that the thought of our father moving on so quickly after her death is totally destroying us!!!
I am NOT tearing up my father, I am mearly worried about him and I do not think that he is ready for such a huge committment as moving his new girlfriend into the home that him and my mum shared for over 25 years.
I do not have a problem with him having a girlfriend, I understand that he is human and needs company - what I dont like is that my brother is still at home, has already said that he is not comfortable about it, but my dad doesnt care - that is what is hurtful and in no way -your words "disgusting"

And for your information my OH is also older than me and will probably go before me so I do understand the feeling of having to go it alone - I would just have more respect to my OH's memory.

I think your above post is "disgusting" and although I know this is a public forum, I really wish that some people would think about how their words can deeply hurt a person. I hope your son is never as horrible to YOU as what you have been to myself and Millie.

tiff

My friends Mum aged 60 ish married her new partner on the actual 1 year anniversary of her deceased husbands death. Both adult children were devastated and one has no contact with her as she has sold up and moved to a city hundreds of miles away and only communicates by text.

paddy's_mum

I agee that heretolearn's words were on the harsh side but the essence of them is an honest and fair warnng of the danger involved in opposing a bereaved parent's wishes and freedoms.

I'd also point out that the comment "I really wish that some people would think about how their words can deeply hurt a person" applies to the opinions put to the errant fathers by their adult children about something that, however upsetting, is actually none of the children's business if father is over the age of consent.

As many posters have hinted/suggested, these tales appear to be more about the grieving process in the daughters and perhaps the advice to seek bereavement counselling is the only real way forward.

sharkeybabe

yes I agree that it is none of our business but when you love someone, parent or otherwise it can be extremely hard to keep your mouth shut, but I do understand what you are saying!

Tish_P

Sharkey - you say you're worried about your dad. What exactly are you worried will happen to him?

I think sometimes this kind of situation happens because loss of a loved one makes us fear for the people we have left. So we try to make our fears seem rational by exaggerating to ourselves the likelihood that something bad will happen to those people, and underestimate their ability to cope. The worry comes from love but it can cause horrible stress and be really damaging to relationships.

sharkeybabe

I am worried that he is going to be left hurt again!! I was the one who picked up all the pieces when my mum died (not that I resent that in the slightest) but I just dont ever want to see so much pain in my dad's eyes again. I know that this is all happening and I have no option but to put up and shut up but its very hard to do.

Tish_P

But anyone who cares about someone else can get hurt. Yes, it's possible that his new relationship may end. Don't you think that having survived the loss of his life partner, maybe he could handle a break-up? You have to accept that he knows the emotional risks he's taking, and the value of the time he has left, better than you do, and you have to let go of that worry before it drives a wedge between you.

Madmel

I've been in a similar situation but my mum died very suddenly. Within a few weeks my dad was going out for dinner with a particular woman, which surprised me quite a lot. However, this lady had been widowed herself just before my mum died. She was a neighbour and friend of my sister who had introduced them.

Being completely honest, I didn't like her very much, but for the sake of my dad I have always been polite and friendly towards her. They have been on holiday together, they were always dining out together and for a long time were very close.

Then I heard that her grown-up daughter was worried that my dad was gold-digging and only being nice to her mum in the hope of getting his hands on her wealth [this is a long way from the truth!] Her mum went mad and they had a big row which has not properly been made up. I decided that the daughter and I both wanted the same thing but we were going about it in different ways. My strategy was to be nice but as I live a long way from her, it's quite easy as we don't meet that often. The daughter was being a bit more like the ladies on here, and this made the mother all the more stubborn.

These things often have a habit of working themselves out. Dad's friend has had a couple of things go wrong and is leaning on him a lot for support and to back up her decisions. However, he is now seeing through her, has berated her for the way she behaves towards her daughter and has told her that whilst he enjoys their friendship, he never wants it to be more than that. He has phoned me twice every day for the last week carping on about her and whilst it's tempting to say "I knew it", what's the point?

Not long after mum died, my dad dined out with my best friend and confided in him that whilst he might be in his 60s, he actually only felt about 40, hence him looking longingly at younger ladies. Once my friend explained this to me, it gave me a whole new perspective and Dad & I joke about the potential suitability of particular younger ladies than me as step-mothers. Dad and I have a great relationship, hopefully because each of us respects the other enough to step back from their relationships, but to be there to provide a sounding-board or shoulder to cry on if necessary.

Try cutting the dads some slack, maybe meet up at a neutral venue like a pub for lunch. Build some bridges and see what happens. Good luck to both ladies!

heretolearn_2

Sharkey,

I know my post was a bit harsh, but everyone (including me) had been putting it nicely and not getting anywhere. Sometimes the truth hurts. I don't want to hurt you, what do I get out of that, but you are both at such a huge risk of permanently damaging your relationships with your fathers that maybe you need a bit less 'sympathy' (that I'm sure you get from your friends and family) and a bit more 'someone who's not involved, giving it to you straight'.

The OPs mother died 2 years ago but she still can't accept that her father finding a new partner is ok. That is not a healthy reaction, and her problem is with her own acceptance of her mum's death, not her father's behaviour. And you are afraid of your father getting hurt, we all care about our loved ones like that, it kills me to see my son teaming up with yet another walking disaster area, but I wouldn't want him to stop having relationships. There's always a risk.

I really hope it all works out and you are all happy in the end. Stories of families falling out for no good reason make me so sad.

sharkeybabe

Thanks Heretolearn, I know that your post wasnt necessarily a dig at me and I am sorry that I took it that way. What I should have said in my 1st post was that even though I might not agree with things that my dad is doing, I love him immensley and would not let anyone ruin our relationship. I do accept that he needs to move on and although I do not 100% agree that he is doing the right thing, I have to put up and shut up for the sake of our relationship if that makes any sense. I do like his new partner but as I said before do not think she is the right person for him, but I suppose that in my eyes, no one will ever be as good as my mum.

Maybe it is time, that I stop focusing on my own feelings and focus on my dads.