I'm losing my dad to his new partner

Jinx

From what I read I would say that the new partner knows exactly how the OP feels. She is welcoming to the OP and her family when they visit and the dad goes to the OPs house alone. I think thats because she knows the OP wants to have some time with her dad as shes missing him and maybe she thinks thats the right thing to do....

I think its one of those situations where the dad is just doing his own thing, happy in a new relationship. I believe he is not intentionally trying to cause offence, friction etc with his family -as an adult hes just making the decisions he wants to and hard as it may be I think you have to accept that. Im sure the new relationship will 'settle' and he'll be around more in time.

Primrose

This is a very emotional situation for you because it's natural for you to see your dad as "your dad" rather than being an individual in his own right, and as much as you love him, it may be very difficult for you to look at him without your own agenda and view him simply as an individual who is pretty hopeless at managing to live his life without the full time support of another woman. You perhaps saw your parents as equal partners and your mother's death has sadly, shown up huge inadequacies in your father's ability to cope on his own.

He is perhaps embarrassed at being found out in this inadequacy and maybe that is why he is cutting off contact with his family. He also perhaps feels a little guilty at the speed at which, in his family's eyes, he appears to have airbrushed your mother out of the family picture.

If you are making all the right social moves to include his new companion in your family lives and gatherings, there is little you can do. He has been sensible enough not to let go of his home in case things don't work out, so all you can do it let the situation settle down to its own level. This woman appears to have no family of her own and perhaps like your father, is looking for a companion for her twilight years. They are both adults and if your father is enjoying his new social life, let him get on with it. Events may even themselves out in time. Your father may suddenly start to realise that this woman is all he has got for the future, and if something happens to her, where will his lifeboat be then? I think you all need some time and space to move on in your own directions. Bereavement often takes much longer than people recognise to recover from, and for different people it will take a different guise. If you and your siblings stick together, you are not alone. Your father must travel along his own route to recovering his equalibrium, painful though it is for you. But don't give up completely. Why not plan a combined family Christmas event with your siblings and invite them both with plenty of notice, but ensure subtly that this is the only family Christmas event that they get invited to. Your dad may then perhaps understand that the rest of you are still "a family" and that if he declines, he is effectively isolating himself for the future.

milliemonster

Thank you all so much, you have brought tears to my eyes reading your responses and I do take everything on board that you say.

In the initial stages of their relationship about this time last year, I did try to keep a distance as I didn't want to appear too pushy, I told my dad at the time that she was welcome in my house any time, but I understood if she wanted to take her own time in getting to know me. Eventually they did come for dinner, but only stayed for dinner and then left as she had something else to do, and this is always the case, she always has something on, which is great as she has an active life and good on her, I just feel left out, left behind and that I'm not wanted or needed anymore now my dad has got over his initial grief.

I would have thought that after a year of this now, things would have settled down, and indeed they have, they live together and this is now their life, I stopped 'inviting' them over months ago, I gave up to be honest and thought I would just let things slide, the funny thing is they invite lots of her friends over for dinner etc but have never invited any member of our side of the family over.

What would my mum say?, well to be honest she was very old fashioned and I know she would be horrified that he has moved in with the woman over the road, she would be disgusted with my dad's behaviour and how he has little time for his family now who have tried so hard to support him, I know this as I know how she reacted to her own father who became friendly with a lady when her own mum died, and they didn't even become a 'couple' as such, they just spent a lot of time together, never lived together but she still didn't like it at all which I found strange, but that was my mum, I think this is why I find this so hard because I know how upset my mum would be about it all, but then she's not here is she?

I know she is not trying to replace my mum, but she is for my dad if that makes sense, he is trying to capture what he had with my mum for all those years with his new partner. We have always been a close family and I feel so sad that I missed time with my mum, it made me realise how important time is, I can never have that back with my mum and I want to make the most of the time I have left with my dad, but he even admitted himself that he wanted a new life for himself as he didn't have a family anymore, that really hurt, just because I am married with my own children does not mean that I don't need him as my dad, I need him just as much as I always did as a child, but in a different way, I want him to still need me too but it seems clear he doesn't feel that way anymore

Primrose

You seem, perhaps unwittingly, to have taken on your mother's legacy of disapproval to her own father's attitude when his wife died, and I wonder perhaps whether your father has decided that, having had to live with that attitude for many years, now your mother has gone, he's going to do his own thing and not allow other peoples' attitudes to weigh on him any further. Perhaps there were a lot of things your father felt about your mother and her attitudes which you might not necessarily have been aware of, which he no longer wants to be tied down by.

And to a certain extent your Dad is right about "no longer having a family". You do have your own life now, and your own children and this is obviously where your prime priorities lie, however much you have tried to include him in your life. This is a natural progression and perhaps as he grows older you should think that it may be no bad thing that there is somebody else to care for his needs and look after him. If he had nobody and was ill for a prolonged period, it could have a very profound influence on the way your own family was able to operate. So try and look for the advantages of him having somebody else to look after him. . Few people enjoy living alone and not having anybody to share their menial day-to-day experiences with. If he were depressed and 100% reliant on you, your life would be far more stressful and fraught so concentrate on your own family and your children while you are free to do so, knowing that your dad is taken care of. Perhaps he's having far more of an enjoyable social life than he did with your mother and wants to make up for lost time.

Things could change in the future. The relationship might not last for ever. While the sun is shining for him though, let him go on making his hay.

Kimberley82

I am very very sorry for your loss. I lost my step mum 18 moths ago, she helped raise me and was like a second mum to me.

My sister said something to me that helped, even though we had lost her, we still had our partners, he had lost the main person in his life. She had been a big part of our lives but she was his life. If this is what your dad needs to be happy then let him be.

If you feel you are loosing him put in more effort to make both of them part of your life. Have them over to dinner etc.

He might well feel hurt that you didnt accept his other relationships straight away. Clear the air and dont let things build up.

It sounds like you love him very much, and Im sure he loves you too, dont let this come between you.

Odette

Why dont you find out what they are doing as part of her amazing social life and try and join in? Do they have a hobby etc you could sidle up on? I know it sounds a little weird but if you really want to access him that much then why not try through her.
Otherwise I echo Primrose, if this lady and him are happy then leave them to it, your Dad is an adult and can do what he likes. I suggest you start working on your feelings of being left out.

heretolearn_2

I'm sorry for the loss of your mum.

But, you know, I hardly see my parents right now. They are in their 80s and making the most of life - they are here there and everywhere (down in Brighton for a week right now), belong to loads of clubs (and not the bingo daycare types, we are talking U3A activities and lectures, hobby clubs, a weekly pub lunch group, even Tai Chi until a couple of years ago) and I wish I had their social life instead of being stuck at work all the time! But do I feel left out or jealous? No. I'm so happy that they are still fit and healthy enough, and have enough joy for life to do all this stuff. Do I want them vegetating in front of the TV all day like a lot of older people? No way. Good on them!

Can't you be happy for your dad that he's found a companion who's opened up his social life and activities and improved the quality of his life and made him happy?

Don't keep thinking about your mum in relation to this. It's nothing to do with her, or you, to be honest. He loved your mum. He probably still loves your mum. But she isn't here now. That doesn't mean he is condemned to turning into Victor Meldrew with no life beyond his immediate family. This woman is not a replacement for your mum. You know you have to get a grip and get over that attitude. I'm sure they know how resentful you feel and that is what is putting them off being around you. Open up. Be generous. Not just in saying 'you are welcome to come round' but actually meaning it. Do you invite her in a 'I'm doing my duty here' way or in a warm and friendly way? You'll be a much happier person for it too.

Your dad is only 71. That's not that old at all, not these days. He doesn't have to give up on life just to keep you happy or just because he is now a widower. Whether he lives with a woman instead of getting married is entirely down to him as an adult. None of your business.

With regards to the feeling he doesn't need you any more and him saying he doesn't have a family any more - are you sure that's really what he said. Or maybe he meant 'family' as in young children. Lots of people go a bit mad once their kids are grown up and why not?

Perhaps you are being a bit too needy - if you are still in so very much pain about your mum 2 years later, could you go for some counselling? We grieve, but we move on, and the pain is replaced by happy memories of that person, although there will always be a small amount of regret that they are no longer here. But if you are breaking down and being very 'I neeeeeeeeeeed my daddy' with him, that would be quite off-putting. He has his own grief to deal with and while families support each other, he can't be your crutch.

I'm sure he loves you all and this is just a temporary blip in your relationship. I'm sorry if I'm right off the track with what I've said, I don't mean to offend, but honestly, you have to accept that your dad's life has changed and your family dynamics have changed, and get with it. Otherwise you risk actually seriously losing him and that would be awful for all of you, him included.

Good luck.

sharkeybabe

Millie - I am in pretty much the same situation as you so I know exactly how you feel. My mum passed away last July very suddenly, in the few months after my mums death my dad was a permanent fixture in my house and I loved having him there, allbeit in sad circumstances. About 3 months ago he called me to say he had met an old friend on facebook and that they were now "seeing" each other and that he was going to take things slowly. At the time, I was very angry and thought he was being very selfish to me and my younger brother (24 and 20 respectively) he agreed that he wouldnt be having a serious relationship with her and that she could never replace my mum. Fast forward to now and she is now moving into my mum and dads house, is trying to muscle in on my wedding in September, calls/texts me all the time and has been "telling" off my brother who still lives at home.
Before anyone says that I am being jealous and thoughtless of my dad's feelings I am not, I will add that my dad's GF is nice, but she is not someone I would like my dad to be with and I do feel like she is trying to take my mum's place. SHe wants to change my dad house etc and its just way to soon. When I voiced my opinions I was told in no uncertain terms that it was none of my business and my dad would do what he wants and this came from both of them. I am at my wits end with it all, and just dont know where to turn to.
Sorry for turning the thread into my problems.
Millie- you can pm me anytime.

Sharkeybabe

Mojisola

milliemonster wrote: »

Has anyone else been in this situation? I am under so much stress and feel so hurt at the rejection, I lost my mum and am still grieving for her and miss her terribly, I sometimes feel I should just let my dad get on with his life without us now as that seems to be what he wants.

I think this is the problem - you are still missing your Mum so much that you can't see things from your Dad's point of view.

You are probably right that his new companion doesn't appreciate that your family would normally spend more time together. We've had a couple of only children marry into the family and they found adjusting to a large family quite difficult. If you have had to create your own social circle, rather than having a ready-made one in a family, you think of them as your "family" but you have to work harder at the relationships. Friends can drift off if you don't keep the relationship going whereas families have the blood ties that keep them in contact.

If you're really struggling with grief it might help to talk to someone about it. Try https://www.crusebereavementcare.org.uk/

Depending on how old your children are, could you get them to visit with your Dad. He might realise what he's missing out on.

Above all, be happy for your Dad.

Jinx

sharkeybabe wrote: »

but she is not someone I would like my dad to be with and I do feel like she is trying to take my mum's place. SHe wants to change my dad house etc and its just way to soon. When I voiced my opinions I was told in no uncertain terms that it was none of my business and my dad would do what he wants and this came from both of them. I am at my wits end with it all, and just dont know where to turn to.
Sharkeybabe

I think with all these types of situations its about perspective. The dads in both cases want and need the company of another woman following a happy marriage, whereas the 'children' rebel against this for any number of reasons.

Ultimately as an adult child you have to let the parent get on with their life as Im sure they do yours. I bet they only wish you to be happy, why is it that they dont get the same courtesy? Because they dont agree with your view/timelines?? We only get one shot at life, would your mum really want everyone falling out even if they didnt agree? She would want your dad to be happy...