MSE Parents Club Part 15

onlyroz

Which one of you sees the most of him? It is fairly common for young children to prefer the parent that they see the least of - partly because they do less of the disciplining, and partly because the more absent parent tends to do more of the "play" activities rather than the chores like feeding, nappy changing, bathing etc. Try not to let it get you down - with a child of that age it's nothing personal. Just make sure that plenty of cuddles are on offer, and that you get a chance to do some of the playing as well as the chores.

pupsicola

gembaxter wrote: »

He won't settle in a bed with us. He has always slept in his own bed in his own room so he just thinks its play time when we rest together. :rotfl:

I think thats a great achievement of yours, the fact that such a young child will settle in his own bed in his own room. With my eldest the only way to get him to sleep was for me to lay down with him night after night then transfer him to his own bed. Your little one is showing such maturity and confidence. He gets that from you.

DancerSupreme

Well I have had a little sleep and feel a bit better. I am overwhelmed at the response and support so thank you everyone so much! My hubby has taken him out for 10 minutes and then when they get home I will disappear for a shower giving me another 5-10 minutes at least.

Yes he sees me the most. I am on anti-d's however have dropped them down over Xmas as I need to get to the surgery on the 4th Jan. We found out on the 27th the I am pregnant so I don't want to harm the baby as mine are quite strong. I know this won't help of course. I am going to maintain a low but safe dosage throughout the pregnancy. I cannot ruin our relationship now, he will blame he baby.

I think my son was in a particularly bad mood too this morning. He got up far too soon but was refusing to go back to sleep. My husband lets him jump in our bed when he wakes up a bit too early so this has got to stop. I am going to try the back to bed technique to get him to stay in his room until 7am like he used to. It was only when we took the side of his cot off that the early rising starting.

I love my son so dearly. I was told I couldn't have kids so he is a miracle in my eyes and a product of my loving relationship with my husband. I should make it clearer though that my hubby does an awful lot of the little things like nappy changes at weekends and he puts him to bed with me every night he is home. He is a fantastic father just very scared to discipline and always asks for my advice. He is a nervous parent!

After a couple of hours sleep the advice seems extremely practical and I will talk to my husband tonight. My son and I sometimes snuggle on the sofa to watch a film but again he needs to be in the right mood.

My PND immediately improved after my mat leave as I got some of my identity back. I do 25 hours a week and it feels like a great balance. I have never felt guilty about leaving my son at nursery and I have the added bonus that most days he loves it lol.

Hopefully the doctor can set us going on Tuesday with a new medication that is safe for the baby but will help me so I can be here for my family.

Thank you again everyone! You do not know how much today's support and kind words have helped! xxxx

DancerSupreme

pupsicola wrote: »

I think thats a great achievement of yours, the fact that such a young child will settle in his own bed in his own room. With my eldest the only way to get him to sleep was for me to lay down with him night after night then transfer him to his own bed. Your little one is showing such maturity and confidence. He gets that from you.

Thank you so much pupsicola xx

pupsicola

When you have a chat with your hubby later try some reverse psychology on him. He sounds like a great hands on dad. The more he can do confidently with your son, the easier this 2nd pregnancy will be for you. Tell him all the things you see him doing so well with your son on his own and ask if maybe he can do these things alone while you get some much deserved "me time". Showing such confidence in him when he is nervous about it will be ahuge boost to his morale. It will do you all good and if "mummy" isn't around all the time you son will look forward to your "special times" too. You can make yourself to available to your kids to the degree that they just take you for granted

The first few weeks of my 2nd pregnancy were tough. You dont have the luxury of being able to rest when needed as you do when having your 1st. I also forgot how totally exhausting the first trimester is and your hormones will be haywire at the moment.

Just be kind to yourself. Happy New Year.

Gingham_Ribbon

I agree with gravity's wise words.

Try to remember that your son loves you absolutely and doesn't yet have the capacity to hate. He is learning about his surroundings and about how other peope react when he does certain things and that's exciting for him. He doesn't understand other people's sadness yet.

You picked a fantastic man to be the father of your children. YOU did that for him and that is one of the best things you could ever do for him. That he goes to him and wants to play with him is wonderful. Try to see this as something you have given him and be glad that he's turning to his daddy.

I was bedbound for several months when our eldest was 2 years old. His daddy did everything for him and it took a long time for him to get over his insistance that Daddy put him to bed/read to him/play with him.

He's only just turned 7. Still a baby really and you would never know we had that gap in our relationship. With the right support, this is a time that he won't even remember.

delain

Happy new year everyone

Still decluttering here, ready for the TV/painting at the end of the month.

OH has gone to get my friend and bring her over

cazscoob

Happy new year everyone

I stand back as i have now caught the flu and dont want to pass it on! Had my sister, nephew and OH friend adn his g/friend around last night and it was a nice quiet one. However as the night went on the iller i felt and once in bed i was so sore i couldnt drop off.

When your all finished with your clearouts would you like to help with mine once better i plan on filling 4/6 boxes with the little ones toys and alternate them over the month. Charlie has so many toys he doesnt look at so my thought was that this would help? am off to fall asleep on the seatee and hope OH will make dinner

ladybirdintheuk

That is a great idea Caz. We only allow a few toys to stay in the living room, so she can get other things from her room if she wants to, but then they all go away at bedtime iyswim. And then I change which ones are staying in here every so often. at the moment pens and paper are the favourite though

Jojo_the_Tightfisted

I'm not going to hand hold or any such stuff now. And I am probably committing sacrilege as well.

It is OK to admit that being a mum is less than joyful at least part of the time. I would bet that the vast majority of mums would privately admit that they wouldn't spend 24 hours a day with their offspring if they were somebody else's child.


Nobody ever tells women that children are less than thrilling at some period of their development at best, beastly little monsters a lot of the time and at worst, completely detestable. I personally find tiny babies rather uninteresting (eat, poo, scream, scream, poo, eat, puke, sleep, scream - where is the joy in that?), and toddlers too prone to being little $*£(, but once they are around 4 and above, they're great little people, even when stroppy, naughty or, rare as it may be, rather sweet and funny. Other people enjoy having teenies around them, some think teenagers are great. At the same time, there are particular children who are completely adorable from about 9 months and some who you look at and shudder, thanking the stars you don't have any kind of responsibility towards them. Whether that is genetic or the responsibility of the parents, I neither know or care. I just know that it happens and I don't feel guilty in the slightest for it.

Evolution makes infancy an incredibly short time in our lives for a reason - if it were any longer, I think we would probably have a far smaller population. As it is, I don't think there are many other creatures in the natural world that would tolerate their young being so dependent for so long .

Dads, in my opinion, tend to get away with avoiding the less rewarding bits (at whatever age it is that they arise), which is why they don't see any brattishness as anything other than accidental - but it's about exerting power. At 19 months old, what other power can they have? They are aware of their separateness, they are becoming aware that they can make choices, that they can have some control over themselves - but they don't quite understand how this presses Mummy's buttons yet - if this is nipped in the bud then he can't progress to doing it for a reaction.

I do notice however, that whilst you say he has no interest in you other than when he's hungry, you are still upset with him when he wants to play with you thirty minutes later. But at the same time, you do all the discipline. So you are noticing when he does something wrong, but not rewarding him with your attention when he wants to interact with you in a way which would make you happier if you let it.

So like a badly behaved pup - or as one of the experienced mums on this site says (I may be paraphrasing), like ill mannered little savages that you teach to be pleasant members of society - you are unintentionally encouraging the wrong behaviour, which reinforces your own insecurities and low opinions of yourself. He has very limited concept of time, of empathy, or anything other than his little world of toy cars, Mummy's legs and the massive change when Daddy sweeps in with an explosion of happiness and play. He's forgotten what he did ten minutes ago, never mind half an hour ago, like a pet, he lives in the now. You are, as a part of your depression, living in the past, analysing and reliving and focusing upon the things that confirm your imagined status as a bad mother (which you aren't) rather than enjoying the silliness of driving cars around the bathroom or knocking plastic ducks off a chair.

I wonder if you would treat a snappy puppy by still brooding upon the snaps an hour later when he brings you a toy? I think you would treat it by forgetting any ideas of being inadequate and encouraging the gentleness through play, not letting it get to you.



Rather than beating yourself up about being unwell or failing him, just get yourself off to the GP and sort out exactly what you are doing re. your meds (Congratulations, BTW ), and remember LO has a fairly short memory - he won't remember that he's upset you 30 minutes after you sat down and felt bad about it, and certainly won't remember being allowed in the bed early for a few weeks if your husband (See! It is his job too) also puts him back in his own bed, particularly as you could be in a position of giving more of your attention to someone else this year, risking his focusing on a baby as the cause of Mummy not liking him. If Daddy is disciplining as well, then you aren't the bad guy all the time, which gives you both more space to enjoy each other's company.


Hope that doesn't sound mean. It's not meant to be.

You aren't a bad person, you aren't a bad mother to find this parenting lark less than fulfilling.

And the joy of finding somewhere you can safely leave your beloved child for a couple of hours is close at hand - preschool is a sanity preserver for many parents, even the self styled supermums!


You're human.