MSE Parents Club Part 15

MERFE

morning and Happy New Year everyone xxx

Baby did really well last night, I fed him at 8pm and was shattered so went to bed and he didn't get up till 2am bless him so he seems able to do a long stretch and its always at night so that is good. He got up at 5:30 next acting all starving and the other kids were up then too.

Once Daddy is dressed we will drive to the beach for the new years day stroll, hope its not too breezy out. I have explained to the little uns that they can't play on the beach it'll be too cold, even though we do it every year they still think if we are going to the beach they need shorts on and to take their buckets bless them. It's about a 40 min drive so we only go this one day in winter.

Hope everyone else has a really good day with whatever plans they have made.

got-it-spend-it

Morning and Happy New Year!

I've been MIA recently as I am now on my 8th day of flu' and feeling pretty miserable still. Went to bed at 9:30pm last night, but the good news is we both slept through till 7:30am.

I can't really think clearly enough to come up with any great resolutions so it will be the usuals of sticking to budget, reducing debt, re-joining Slimming World to lose that last 2 stone and de-cluttering the house.

DancerSupreme

I am really struggling. I have been suffering with PND so already feel like I failed.

He is 19 months old. He never wants me it is always his dad. He won't cuddle me or show me affection in any way yet if his dad asks for a cuddle he gets one. He hits me and kicks me and while my husband says its all an accident I don't see that because he does none of it to him. I am only wanted if daddy is not here and he needs feeding.

He expects me to play but obviously cannot understand why I feel so hurt after being told to go away for an hour before.

I know most will say "he is a child and doesn't know so grow up yourself" and that's fine but I cannot take it any more. He does understand to a certain degree.

I know I should love my child but I find myself feeling less and less for him every day.

Please no aggresive responses - I cannot take that today.

esmf73

Gm - have a hug - sound like you need one. Ask OH if he can look after your son for a few hours and take some time out for you - have a bath, go for a walk or just chill out. Then when you are feeling better about yourself as you, ask your OH if he can take a bit of a back seat in dealing with your son. It will take a while for your son to realise that you are going to be doing everything for him, and it will take patience and perseverence on your part. Be firm with him as I'm sure you are - tell him that hitting / kicking is not allowed and hold his legs when you change his nappy etc.

You can get this back. I had the same with my youngest but now he is absolutely fine and always demands kisses and hugs from mummy, telling me that he loves me. You sound like you're a bit fragile at the moment - get yourself into a better place first xxxxx

DancerSupreme

Thank you esmf - thing is I do most things now. Hubby won't do the putting him back in bed stuff.

Today is a bad day as hubby was working all night so obviously needs to sleep now. Just days like today I would quite happily walk out and not come back.

I suppose its because I have to do all the disciplining so therefore in his eyes I must be the cow.

xxx

pandora205

It's very common that dads see the best side of children, as they are often there less often than mums. They have novelty value and may also enjoy the sort of rough and tumble play that young children love. It isn't fair but it happens. It's important to involve them in the 'tough stuff' too - nappy changing and dressing spring to mind for this stage; homework and room tidying with older children.

However, it is possible that there are some attachment issues developing here too, as you have suffered from PND. When this happens the mother is not able to notice and respond to a baby's early communication thus not giving the attention needed. The result of this can be that as the baby develops they reject the mother's approaches. This can show itself as not seeking cuddles or comfort and as behaving negatively. It isn't a case of the mother's fault but it does show that change is needed, as this rejecting behaviour can be the beginning of longer term problems.

It is important to remember that the toddler doesn't reason as an adult would. He doesn't have the ability to choose his emotions or to manipulate others deliberately. He has no idea about your feelings and is self centred. In other words, he doesn't bear grudges but he has developed a pattern that can be changed. And the only way to do this is to change what the mother is doing (and thinking).

Most important is to develop the child's sense of security. This means being calm and not shouting, and reacting consistently, even when things are difficult.

Secondly, it is important to develop positive interaction and shared fun - and an ideal way of doing this is through play. Sitting down on the floor and joining in with building bricks or simple puzzles, joining in with cause and effect toys (activity centres etc.) or sharing 'small worlds' play, such as cars/people/tea set/tools is ideal.

Go gently on expecting cuddles and physical affection - this will take time but could be introduced using some 'flap' or interactive books and get close while sharing, or at bedtime.

There are some great parenting groups (e.g. The Incredible Years) that would help if you can find one in your area. You are not alone!

Last but most importantly, PND can be helped so involving your health visitor and GP is a good idea.

MatyMoo

Didn't want to read and run.

You always hurt the ones you love most springs to mind. Being so down yourself each little rejection from him must seem ten times harder but he is still your little boy and he needs you.

Sending you hugs and strength to get through this

Maty

chocaholic110

It could also just be a stage he's going through. My 2 year old DS says all the time he loves me and DD but won't say it about OH or DS. He won't give them a kiss either and if anything needs to be done for him he'll say "I want mammy to bath me", "I want mammy to make my juice", "I want Mammy to build my lego" but if they're the only ones there he quite happily does things with DH and DS. At the moment, he just very much prefers the females in the house. It can be very hurtful to my husband as he's lovely with him and is a very hands-on dad but I'm sure he'll grow out of it.

I think you might just need to persevere, even if it is hard (and I've had depression and know how hard it is) but just keep laying the foundations of your relationship and you'll get there.

SugarSpun

He's a smallish boy, and in his head Daddy is for fun times and Mummy is for discipline. Around his age is when kids start testing their boundaries to make sure that people still love them even when they misbehave, and need to learn how far they can normally go.

If Daddy does all the fun stuff and none of the discipline bits, then Mummy is going to take up the slack discipline-wise and is going to end up bearing the brunt of the boundaries-testing. It sounds as though he's doing the classic stuff that babies of that age do but that it's unusually one-sided in his/your case.

With PND on top of that you must be having a tough time of it. I wish I could give you a big hug, but in the meantime try and think of it as normal behaviour and when he asks you to play after pushing him away play with him and then after a while tell him how much you love it when you two can play together and how much you love him. He'll feel reassured and the phase might move on a bit faster. If your partner feels up to taking on some of the stuff you do, so much the better, it'll spread the load a bit more evenly and help you along just a bit more.

CRANKY40

It's a normal part of development. http://www.whattoexpect.com/toddler/behavior/resisting-affection.aspx I've read it somewhere else too. It's something to do with being completely confident that you love them so they test out their most atrocious behaviour on you.

The nobody loves me, everybody hates me thing is also down to depression. Are you currently having treatment for your PND. If you're not then get thee to a doctor, and if you are then it's worth getting back to the doctor anyway and seeing if it's worth changing your treatment. Being the mother of a toddler is hard enough without depression.

There is also an excellent book called "Toddler Taming" by Christopher Greene I think his name is. It tells you about all the horrible things toddlers can do, and how best to deal with some of them. I bought it because my pride and joy used to bang his head on the floor when not getting his own way. By the time I'd read the book I was quite relieved that headbanging was the only awful thing he did.

My son was also a daddy's boy, but the focus does shift as they get older. Hugs.