ex wants he kids for xmas eve/day, feeling depressed at the thought!!!

FBaby

If you go with it and end up in tears for missing your kids, do remember that YOU are doing the right thing by your kids by being fair and giving them the chance to establish a good relationship with their dad because in the end, that will help them tremendously with their confidence and feeling good about themselves which in the long term will mean they are much more likely to be happy and well adjusted adults.

I know it is hard when it feels all the compromise are on one side only, but remember, you are doing whatever you are doing for your kids, not for or against him.

Two years ago, I almost chocked and the feelings of the unfairness of it all. Besides the fact that HE chose not to spend the day with HIS family, therefore allowing me to spend the whole day with the children, despite the fact that he blackmailed them so they felt torn apart, and despite the fact that he spoilt them rotten with material things (a brand new expensive mobile phone for our 9 year old daughter amongst many other things) even though he hadn't given me a penny in maintenance for months and threatened me when I dared bring up the issue, I am glad I relented and let them go there for Christmas because THEY were happy and I knew I had done the right thing by them and in the end, that's the most important.

If you try to organise Christmas as if you were single, it's not as bad. I spent Christmas evening treating myself with my favourite food eating in bed, watching videos, going to sleep early so I could get up early on boxing day and go straight to Next and Debenhams for the sale getting the best deals, something I would not have been able to do if I'd had the kids.

BAILEYS6904

When I first split with the ex, we made an agreeement of the first Christmas eve, DS stayed with me, and then ex could take him for christmas pm and boxing day and vice versa for the next year. However, for the sake of DS, just before xmas day I asked if he wanted to come round to my house first thing in the morning, to watch him open his presents etc. He then negotiated to say i could have him for the whole day so i could go over to my dads for meal etc.

This arrangement has stuck for the last 4 years, and it works brilliantly. Dont get me wrong sometimes I could quite happily depart ex's head from his neck, but we have to try for the sake of DS. DS absolutely loves the fact that we can play 'happy familys' every xmas and that he doesnt have to chose, or worry about the parent thats not with him.

You have to be strong and do whats right for the kids. During the difficult fist couple of years (me and ex get on really well most the time now), all I had in the back of my head was when DS was older and started asking questions about the split up, or how things were or decisions made, I can hold my head up and look him in the eye and tell him that every decision I made I did with him in mind.

margaretclare

jamespir wrote: »

They're kids so they possibly are not gonna understand just yet

No, they won't understand, and they never WILL understand, if they're not taught!

The whole thing about Santa-with-reindeer is an American import. In England we have Father Christmas, but he takes second stage to the Bible story about the birth of Jesus, which is equally magical - the shepherds, the star in the East, the Wise Men bringing gifts, carol-singing etc. Oh, but this story does not involve a lot of shopping, spending money, buying the latest 'must-have' consumer toy, so it must fade into insignificance.

PS: I've just come across this: http://www.when-is.com/christmas-2010.asp
So in theory, you could celebrate Christmas twice.

flutterby_lil

Choccy moose - your step children have aged differently, one slower than the other lol - "Its the kids that should be put first here, not your feelings or his, he will be feeling the same emotions as you with regards to the children. My step kids are now 21 and 16 (they were 2 and 5 when she had the affair)"

nickyhutch

margaretclare wrote: »

No, they won't understand, and they never WILL understand, if they're not taught!

The whole thing about Santa-with-reindeer is an American import. In England we have Father Christmas, but he takes second stage to the Bible story about the birth of Jesus, which is equally magical - the shepherds, the star in the East, the Wise Men bringing gifts, carol-singing etc. Oh, but this story does not involve a lot of shopping, spending money, buying the latest 'must-have' consumer toy, so it must fade into insignificance.

PS: I've just come across this: http://www.when-is.com/christmas-2010.asp
So in theory, you could celebrate Christmas twice.

Whilst I appreciate (but don't agree with) your point, it's hardly helping the OP, is it? I think your point needs a thread in the Discussion Time area of the forum.

FatVonD

margaretclare wrote: »

When did Jesus arrive by reindeer?

If at all but I promise not to come knocking on your door with a copy of the Theory of Evolution under my arm if you promise not to impose your beliefs on me too

margaretclare

FatVonD wrote: »

If at all but I promise not to come knocking on your door with a copy of the Theory of Evolution under my arm if you promise not to impose your beliefs on me too

Santa Claus with reindeer has managed to get into the popular consciousness long after the Theory of Evolution was published!

If you support the theory of evolution you can surely not advocate mythical creatures with toy workshops situated at the North Pole!

FatVonD

margaretclare wrote: »

Santa Claus with reindeer has managed to get into the popular consciousness long after the Theory of Evolution was published!

If you support the theory of evolution you can surely not advocate mythical creatures with toy workshops situated at the North Pole!

Ah, 'tis part of the magic of being a kid, I'd not deny them a few years of believing that Santa exists, plenty of time for reality later

mr218

to the OP,

you seem to think that being scrupulously fair in contact with your ex is the best for your kids.

really is that the case. what would be the best for your kids? i think spending christmas with you would be the best for them. it incidentally happens to be the best for you too. you are trying too hard to be fair to him and in doing so not always being fair on your children. is it fair that your son has nappy rash because he could not as diligent as you.

i think as a child i would love to have a ritual in my house and not be carted around every alternate year.

i know you are trying to do your best. but what is best for your ex is not necessarily what is best for your children. so stand up for yourself. there is a whole lot of difference between you who always allows contact and makes it happen and those women who are extremely vile and make it difficult for their children to have a relationship with their dad.

do what is best for the kids. equal contact is not always the best for them

nickyhutch

mr218 wrote: »

to the OP,

you seem to think that being scrupulously fair in contact with your ex is the best for your kids.

really is that the case. what would be the best for your kids? i think spending christmas with you would be the best for them. it incidentally happens to be the best for you too. you are trying too hard to be fair to him and in doing so not always being fair on your children. is it fair that your son has nappy rash because he could not as diligent as you.

i think as a child i would love to have a ritual in my house and not be carted around every alternate year.

i know you are trying to do your best. but what is best for your ex is not necessarily what is best for your children. so stand up for yourself. there is a whole lot of difference between you who always allows contact and makes it happen and those women who are extremely vile and make it difficult for their children to have a relationship with their dad.

do what is best for the kids. equal contact is not always the best for them

How can you possibly know that, based on reading an internet thread?