ex wants he kids for xmas eve/day, feeling depressed at the thought!!!

Apricot

Im can put myself in the position of the child here...my parents split up when I was eighteen months old.
My parents never ever split christmas. I always spent xmas eve and xmas day with my mum, she was the one who did all the special little xmas rituals (stocking at end of bed, glass of whisky for santa and a carrot for rudolph). On boxing day I would go to my dads family and have a completely different xmas - I don't think I ever wanted to go to my dads for xmas day tbh.

If I ever have children and split up with their father I would do the same thing, christmas should be spent with the parent who is the primary caregiver (be that the mother or father) and then boxing day with the other. (Obviously both together is preferable but sometimes situations don't allow this)

choccymoose

princessleah_ wrote: »

Im can put myself in the position of the child here...my parents split up when I was eighteen months old.
My parents never ever split christmas. I always spent xmas eve and xmas day with my mum, she was the one who did all the special little xmas rituals (stocking at end of bed, glass of whisky for santa and a carrot for rudolph). On boxing day I would go to my dads family and have a completely different xmas - I don't think I ever wanted to go to my dads for xmas day tbh.

If I ever have children and split up with their father I would do the same thing, christmas should be spent with the parent who is the primary caregiver (be that the mother or father) and then boxing day with the other. (Obviously both together is preferable but sometimes situations don't allow this)

That is your opinion but have you ever thought your dad was never given the chance to do the rituals with you? Boxing day in our house is completley different to xmas day x

tattycath

Can I suggest something really radical? Why not endeavour to be a good parent and put your children before yourself. They have a right imho to have a relationship with mum and dad. Parents who split up from each other do not automatically slip up from there children. If that was the case, then all those mums who leave the dads should lose there kids should they not. Try to think of children not as weapons designed to beat parents you are !!!!!! off with, but as people who have rights. In my experience, the vast majority of parental disputes over children are the result of one or more of the parents thinking what they want is more important than what the children want. many of them will justify it to themselves and others by putting down the other parent at every opportunity. Almost all children, if given the choice want as full a relationship as possible with both parents. Imho, parents have a duty to help the kids get that as far as they can, regardless of how much they hate each other, etc. I left my ex when my children were young and we alternated christmas every year and the first year he had them was very hard but the kids were and still are paramount in all this. the misdemeanours of an ex don't matter a damn-it's the kids that matter.

choccymoose

tattycath wrote: »

Can I suggest something really radical? Why not endeavour to be a good parent and put your children before yourself. They have a right imho to have a relationship with mum and dad. Parents who split up from each other do not automatically slip up from there children. If that was the case, then all those mums who leave the dads should lose there kids should they not. Try to think of children not as weapons designed to beat parents you are !!!!!! off with, but as people who have rights. In my experience, the vast majority of parental disputes over children are the result of one or more of the parents thinking what they want is more important than what the children want. many of them will justify it to themselves and others by putting down the other parent at every opportunity. Almost all children, if given the choice want as full a relationship as possible with both parents. Imho, parents have a duty to help the kids get that as far as they can, regardless of how much they hate each other, etc. I left my ex when my children were young and we alternated christmas every year and the first year he had them was very hard but the kids were and still are paramount in all this. the misdemeanours of an ex don't matter a damn-it's the kids that matter.

Excellent level headed post, well said :T

mishkanorman

poet123 wrote: »

As it is not an option for you to go to him as he did to you last year I would say no. The situation is not equal. I would keep them athome and let him collect them at lunchtime. He caused the situation so he should be the one inconvenienced.

You jump to a massive assumption here, and if this had been a woman who had left the marital home because it was best for her but she still wanted to be a part of her childrens lives this thread would have read "how dare he try and stop you" "they are your children too"

We dont know why the husband left, it takes two to end a relationship and we dont know that HE caused it - sorry OP im being devils advocate here. I know some women who feel hard done by because the husband had found someone else, but in reallity they had been vile to their husband and if a male had treated a women in that way it would have been deemed domestic abuse.

OP, can totally see how you feel, sadly one of you is going to miss out on the special morning moments, i hope you find a solution that works for you all.

mishka

Rossy.

hallowitch wrote: »

Start as you mean to go on girl and tell him he cant have the kids Christmas day 2pm and its not up for negotiation

Because of?

Another women playing god with their kids lives.. Jesus no wonder you have fathers for justice.

Women far to often play god with a childs life.. Just because nature intended for a female to carry a child, it doesnt mean you've any more rights than the father.

poet123

mishkanorman wrote: »

You jump to a massive assumption here, and if this had been a woman who had left the marital home because it was best for her but she still wanted to be a part of her childrens lives this thread would have read "how dare he try and stop you" "they are your children too"

We dont know why the husband left, it takes two to end a relationship and we dont know that HE caused it - sorry OP im being devils advocate here. I know some women who feel hard done by because the husband had found someone else, but in reallity they had been vile to their husband and if a male had treated a women in that way it would have been deemed domestic abuse.

OP, can totally see how you feel, sadly one of you is going to miss out on the special morning moments, i hope you find a solution that works for you all.

mishka

I am basing my comment on what the op said. The father of her children left her for another woman, he did not end the relationship and then find another woman, he had been cheating on her. In my book that is causing the break up of the family.

A more honourable person would have walked away if there were relationship issues or she was being vile to him, not jumped into bed with someone else. So, no assumptions.....that seems to be your prerogative;)

kazmc

Rossy. wrote: »

Because of?

Another women playing god with their kids lives.. Jesus no wonder you have fathers for justice.

Women far to often play god with a childs life.. Just because nature intended for a female to carry a child, it doesnt mean you've any more rights than the father.

Err yes it does when the father chooses to walk away for another woman. How often do you hear of women leaving their children for another man?? Very very rarely and that's the difference

floss2

heretolearn wrote: »

We used to alternate years to have Christmas eve/christmas morning or christmas day (including christmas dinner/boxing day) Seems fair to me. Dads want to see kids faces Christmas morning too.

I must admit I felt a bit weird about it first time round when it wasn't my turn for Christmas morning, but then to be honest (and maybe I'm a horrible parent! lol) it was actually rather nice not to be woken up at 3am, and have a nice leisurely christmas breakfast in bed in peace and quiet instead!

Oh yes, it's so nice to be able to have a lazy day anticipating when you do Christmas with the kids!

zoesmummy_2006 wrote: »

fingers crossed i meet a sexy male who'll sweep me off my feet when i go out for my birthday next weekend and who's willing to be my xmas present til the kids come back lol xxx

Good on you, girl!

compforus

tattycath wrote: »

Can I suggest something really radical? Why not endeavour to be a good parent and put your children before yourself. They have a right imho to have a relationship with mum and dad. Parents who split up from each other do not automatically slip up from there children. If that was the case, then all those mums who leave the dads should lose there kids should they not. Try to think of children not as weapons designed to beat parents you are !!!!!! off with, but as people who have rights. In my experience, the vast majority of parental disputes over children are the result of one or more of the parents thinking what they want is more important than what the children want. many of them will justify it to themselves and others by putting down the other parent at every opportunity. Almost all children, if given the choice want as full a relationship as possible with both parents. Imho, parents have a duty to help the kids get that as far as they can, regardless of how much they hate each other, etc. I left my ex when my children were young and we alternated christmas every year and the first year he had them was very hard but the kids were and still are paramount in all this. the misdemeanours of an ex don't matter a damn-it's the kids that matter.

Hear hear... finally the voice of reason.

Since I got involved with my partner and I knew he had a very young child I have put the child first... before his Dad and his Mum and he isn't even mine... it is about the children..never about the parent or adults involved. We make our choices in life and take the consequences, good and bad. They can't, they are stuck with what is dished out.

I have watched as the mother systematically makes life difficult for my partner so he has to jump through hoops in order to be 'a Dad' to his child. I actually found it shocking as to how low people can stoop and how they use children as pawns in some emotional power struggle.

When he is at his Dad's I pop upstairs to say Good Night to him, he says he loves Mummy and he loves Daddy and Me too, he wants to be with all of us and when he is with one he misses the other... he wasn't even four when he started telling me that. Yet his mother will ring him up and repeat down the phone that she is missing him so much and 'is he missing her?' and the rest. He comes off the phone and has gone from being a happy little boy to a confused, insecure and frightened one. Being th 'Primary Care Giver' does not make the person necessarily the right one or a good one (this is a general observation not a personal one to you!).

Yes it is tough when your relationship breaks up, but it takes two to make it work. Get strong and think 'what do our children need to grow up confident and secure?' and research it.. Google it... contact support groups if you need to. I do not under-estimate your pain but as parents we have to steel ourselves and put children first... I would even go as far to say 'as adults' we should put 'any children' first.

Unfortunately this is the harsh reality and is everyday life to so many of us.