Nice new house, missus wants to live with parents, baby on way. Advice

Oldernotwiser

Sorry if I've missed this but what has she been doing while you've been spending all your spare time doing up the house? Did she just let you get on with it or did she pitch in?

nm123_2

OP, you sound wonderful.

Something tells me her parents have more to do with this than meets the eye.

Stick to your guns mate. Get the cottage 100% ready so it's in a condition she could live in and let her know that you need to be involved with the baby from Day 1 and that you are feeling lower on the priority list than her parents at this point in time. Offer for them to come and stay with you all in the cottage when the baby is born so that they can help, but emphasis that it is important that the 3 of you live together as a family.

I'm intrigued to know what kind of perfect place she is expecting to find, move in to and get ready for a baby within 3 months.

As a compromise I think you should offer to put the cottage on the market after the baby is born and she lives there.

Can you just ask her outright who is more important - her parents or you? Perhaps I'm oversimplifying things, but this seems to be the crux of it to me.

And as for feeling embarrassed when friends ask about the nursery etc - I think you should be honest and let them know she's thinking of not living with you. She should be embarrassed about being an adult who is in denial about growing up and the responsibilities she is going to need to take on.

My fear for you is, as others have also said, that if she ends up at her parents, you will always play second fiddle. Offer to have them come and stay and that you'll sell the house once baby is here and things have settled down and leave it at that. Take some control back and give her the options, stop letting her call all the shots.

BigBlackcat

OP, unfortunately your girlfriend doesn't share your maturity.

I see her still living at home after the baby arrives, with her Mum co-parenting YOUR baby.

She really needs to grow up, but there really isn't anything you can do to make her.

Hang on to your cottage (sounds lovely BTW). Do NOT move in with her parents, that will not help at all.

Vaila

op you dont sound unreasonable at all, in fact im sure its most peoples dream to live in a house that you own, i agree that your gf sounds a bit immature and rather silly if she does not want to live in your cottage as she hasnt bought it etc

Tuesday_Tenor

Hmmm, difficult one.

Taking everything at face value about your relationship, your present circumstances, and whose resources have gone into providing this home, on balance I think she's not thinking clearly and is being somewhat immature and unreasonable.

However, I can see why THIS might be a big thing in her mind:
>>>>> The biggest issue i think she has is because i went to view the house on my own ( she was away at Uni at time, i got it for a steal of a price so had to jump on it) £25k less than what it was worth.

For whatever (good to you at the time) reasons you did this, you did make a UNILATERAL decision at the time. Where was she hoping to work/live after university if she hadn't got pregnant? If she didn't know, could have gone anywhere, then I certainly don't in any way criticise your decision. However, if you were hoping to settle down together soon, then I can see why she's miffed at having such a major decision taken completely out of her hands.

She is resentful that you made a unilateral decision on something she clearly feels should have been a joint decision. She may be worried about what else you might make unilateral decisions on in future.

It may not be the type of house or the place she wants to be. Is it as suitable for a family as it was for you as a single man, or would be for you as a couple? Coming from a family dealing in property she may (reasonably or unreasonably) have very strong views on certain things.

I think you'll both need to do a lot of talking, bearing this in mind, and also what other posters have said about her feeling out of control due to the pregnancy. Things are moving quicker than either of you expected and you're probably both still a bit shocked.

Be tender with each other. You'll both be needing to try to do several different things together:

1) Understanding why you each feel as you do.

2) Working out what you want together long-term. Are you getting married?

3) Working out what the most practical way forward is for the next 12-24 months, recognising what compromises either of you might be making and to what extent these constitute problems to be addressed over time.

I can't think that you moving (medium-term) into her parents is going to be a healthy start, though some time with them may be exactly what SHE needs right now. I'm a bit puzzled why they aren't helping her to start her family life properly with you, in a house you have so carefully provided .... It may not be exactly the right place, all things considered, but it's a start ....

Best wishes as you work your way through this dilemma.

MERFE

I've not read the whole thread sorry and I completely agree with everyone who suggest your girlfriend is being a bit selfish. But I have a friend who lived quite happily with her OH for 6 years in his flat both saving to buy a house together, in the end they bought a house that he wanted which wasn't too much of a problem at the time, both out alot working, socialising etc and it is a lovely house but they are due to divorce soon. Whilst the house is not the only reason it was a major factor in causing arguements once she had their first baby and was stuck home alot of the time in a house she did not like or want to live in, I think it always played on her mind that it wasn't the house she wanted but she didn't ever speak to anyone about it because we would have told her she was mad, its a lovely house, she was lucky to have it etc Listen to your girlfriend she needs to be happy in the house so she can enjoy the time she has there with the baby when it comes and be glad she is being honest with you about her feelings towards the house.

pipsta

Tuesday_Tenor wrote: »

Hmmm, difficult one.

Taking everything at face value about your relationship, your present circumstances, and whose resources have gone into providing this home, on balance I think she's not thinking clearly and is being somewhat immature and unreasonable.

However, I can see why THIS might be a big thing in her mind:
>>>>> The biggest issue i think she has is because i went to view the house on my own ( she was away at Uni at time, i got it for a steal of a price so had to jump on it) £25k less than what it was worth.

For whatever (good to you at the time) reasons you did this, you did make a UNILATERAL decision at the time. Where was she hoping to work/live after university if she hadn't got pregnant? If she didn't know, could have gone anywhere, then I certainly don't in any way criticise your decision. However, if you were hoping to settle down together soon, then I can see why she's miffed at having such a major decision taken completely out of her hands.

She is resentful that you made a unilateral decision on something she clearly feels should have been a joint decision. She may be worried about what else you might make unilateral decisions on in future.

It may not be the type of house or the place she wants to be. Is it as suitable for a family as it was for you as a single man, or would be for you as a couple? Coming from a family dealing in property she may (reasonably or unreasonably) have very strong views on certain things.

I think you'll both need to do a lot of talking, bearing this in mind, and also what other posters have said about her feeling out of control due to the pregnancy. Things are moving quicker than either of you expected and you're probably both still a bit shocked.

Be tender with each other. You'll both be needing to try to do several different things together:

1) Understanding why you each feel as you do.

2) Working out what you want together long-term. Are you getting married?

3) Working out what the most practical way forward is for the next 12-24 months, recognising what compromises either of you might be making and to what extent these constitute problems to be addressed over time.

I can't think that you moving (medium-term) into her parents is going to be a healthy start, though some time with them may be exactly what SHE needs right now. I'm a bit puzzled why they aren't helping her to start her family life properly with you, in a house you have so carefully provided .... It may not be exactly the right place, all things considered, but it's a start ....

Best wishes as you work your way through this dilemma.

I bought the house at the time because she wanted me to get onto the housing ladder, purly with the intention of getting on the ladder. We didnt know at the time what she would be doing after uni, working home or away. I didn't buy the house intentionaly on my own to get my own way, i just wanted to get on the ladder whilst prices had hit rock bottom. The cottage was a dive when i bought it, damp, leaking but i saw so much potential for the price i couldnt sit on it. My partner was with me the day the offer was excepted and she was over the moon that i had just bought my first house. I have tried to include her as much as possible but with her being 200 miles away it was rather difficult. The house is not furnished yet and not painted to finishing colours (just white over new plaster) so plenty of decisions left to be had. Trouble is the more i ask her for her input it, she goes quiet on me and says "its your house, you choose"

Im trying so hard to make it as much as her's as mine ( even putting her down on deeds) its what I want, a home for both of us but she just will not come to the idea. I could understand if it were a sh*t hole but its not.

Ill try upload some photos.

Susan_Frost

Not read the whole thread.

gf was still in 6th form, 17, when you started out together, (I guess). I wonder if she really does still want to be with you. I know you say you both love each other, and I hope you do. Are you really sure of her feelings.

It seems you are really bending over backwards for her.

If she wants you to buy a house together then I would say fine. You always keep the house in your name. She can save her half of a deposit and you can buy something eventually. I would suggest you keep the house for yourself and dont sell for a deposit, rent it out if necessary.

As for where you live now. Well, that is difficult. I personally would say stay in the cottage.

If the relationship does break up then you will have a home and a home for the baby to visit. I think this could be a possibility for the future if her heart is not really in it.

Her whole family seem pretty savvy about housing, and to spend a couple of years in the cottage whilst saving up is not unreasonable. Sorry, but something is not right, and I think it is emotional rather than practical.

Errata

pipsta wrote: »

I bought the house at the time because she wanted me to get onto the housing ladder, purly with the intention of getting on the ladder. We didnt know at the time what she would be doing after uni, working home or away. I didn't buy the house intentionaly on my own to get my own way, i just wanted to get on the ladder whilst prices had hit rock bottom. The cottage was a dive when i bought it, damp, leaking but i saw so much potential for the price i couldnt sit on it. My partner was with me the day the offer was excepted and she was over the moon that i had just bought my first house. I have tried to include her as much as possible but with her being 200 miles away it was rather difficult. The house is not furnished yet and not painted to finishing colours (just white over new plaster) so plenty of decisions left to be had. Trouble is the more i ask her for her input it, she goes quiet on me and says "its your house, you choose"

Im trying so hard to make it as much as her's as mine ( even putting her down on deeds) its what I want, a home for both of us but she just will not come to the idea. I could understand if it were a sh*t hole but its not.

Ill try upload some photos.

She is telling you that you are not a couple, that you do not have a partnership, that she doesn''t want to share your life. I honestly don't know where you go from here, but things look very bad.

liney

I'd live with my husband in a cardboard box, and certainly in a newly refurbished cottage!

I'm sorry to say this, but I don't think it's about the house at all, i think it's about her being undecided on your relationship. If the house you live in is more important than her family being together then you have serious issues. Her family should be you and the baby now, with her mother in the extended family category.